Wednesday, November 2, 2011


____ I bet we all look like a bunch of damn idiots to aliens.
____ Hey, inventors, why can't you create something that makes my "day after binge drinking" scent smell less like "hobo"?
____ seems to know a lot of people who like to get drunk & talk about all of the other times they were drunk.
____ On Facebook, people respect you for sharing your deepest secrets and flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
____ Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don't do that.
____ Sorry, dear. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
____ People at my work are weird. Not as weird as me and my thousands of imaginary MSIB friends, but weird nonetheless.
____ There are 2 kinds of people I can't stand: Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what in the hell is going on.
Facebook Status update about Facebook:
____ Facebook is great because I can make fun of Amish people and they'll never know.
____ Oh, Thursday, you are such a tease.
____ My dog's actual speaking voice probably sounds nothing like my impersonation of him.

FYI: I post a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE every day! Here are a few recent ones:

____ That awkward moment when your friend steals your Facebook status update and gets a ton more "likes" than you did. :(
____ Whenever I read a boring status update, I like to silently add "in bed" to the end of it and read it again. Then I laugh and laugh and marvel at my creativity.
____ Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
____ The person you WISH would deactivate their Facebook account is never the one that actually does.
____ It doesn't matter if you have 1 "like" or 100. If you made just ONE person smile today, you're doing it right...

Not good enough for you? My readers post hilarious stuff all day and night. I don't like to tell people what to do, but you should become a FAN. This instant. I mean it.