Thursday, December 1, 2011


Some of you may have noticed that I've posted no new FAN PAGE status updates for awhile. I have so many to post that I don't even know where to start! Stay tuned for more, and THANKS EVERYONE!

____ Kids are so ungrateful! My generation's zombies didn't run. They walked...Uphill...In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it. (Nobo Dy)
____ This year for Christmas, I'm writing statuses for all my Facebook friends. It's cheap and they'll be funnier... Win, Win. (Mustache Mann)
____ Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you're out shopping today and you notice the floor feels weird it's because you're standing on someone's aunt. (William Hale)
____ Love makes your heart race, but so does methamphetamine.. so it'll probably make you feel good for a little while and then you'll die. (Toni Daniels)
____ Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that. (Helen Long)
____ That would suck if your name was Rick Shaw and you lived in China. (Arthur Mabry)
____ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber. (Kristie Jackson)
____ I can't help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper. (Nobo Dy)
____ Sorry, I don't know why that happened. Facebook made all these changes and they randomly blocked a bunch of my friends that I can't stand. (Arthur Mabry)
____ That awkward moment when someone really hot talks to you and you suddenly forget what language you speak. (Shafique Khatri)
____ The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE. (Ari Abalos)
____ You could probably bounce a coin off my abs if you have low expectations of bouncing and are a money-throwing weirdo. (Mya Sisnice)
____ I'm already done with my Christmas Shopping! Yeah, I'm easy to buy for. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'd bite my nails less if there wasn't always chocolate frosting under them. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ This “random acts of kindness” thing is hard. I’m going back to violence. (Nobo Dy)
____ I hate when the definition of a word has other words in it that I have to look up also. (William Hale)
____ Just changed my wifi name to, "I watch you get naked" to stir up some chatter before the neighborhood Christmas Party...Also, because I do. (Harley Quinn)
____ My psychologist didn't really mean it when she encouraged me to “bare all”... (Donny Norris)
____ doesn't exercise on weekends because I know that at some point I'll be running in heels and climbing through a 2nd story window. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I had a talk with my friend about the past, the present and the future.. it was tense (Adam Apple)
____ Apparently the sub-woofer I hooked up in my office earlier this morning is NOT “appropriate for a work environment”…but I was playing Christmas carols so I am claiming religious persecution. (Rae Broman)
____ I'm not like most people. I judge the book and the cover separately. (Toni Daniels)
____ When are we all going to stop pretending that Hyper-Color underwear wouldn't have been pretty awesome? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Please, if I ever offend you, it's because I meant to. (Nobo Dy)
____ If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ If you ever get caught looking over the dressing room wall while stalking someone just simply ask "hey, do you know what time it is?". That takes the creepy out of it. (Tim Beavin)
____ I tried to daydream but my mind wanders (Rita Filakia)
____ Innuendo, a word that defines itself. (Justin John Bernard)
____ Never mind the meaning of life, I'd just settle for someone telling me how to put on a shirt without getting deodorant down the side of it. (Harley Quinn)
____ Tater Tots = Little potatoes that are snacks. Hater Tots = Little kids that are a$$holes. (William Hale)
____ My O face is exactly the same face of me looking at a plate of bacon. (Nobo Dy)
____ The only reason I got into business was the hope that one day I could start answering my phone with "Go!". (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?" (Chris Hallman)
____ 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husband. And 100% of pets say this crazy woman won't shut up. (John Jordan)
____ For Christmas this year I'm giving the kids the same thing I always give them: something to cry about. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I'm done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I'm invading their "personal space." (Mya Sisnice)
____ Don't you hate when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything? (Tom Guntorius)
____ People will always talk about you behind your back when you are way ahead of them. (Donny Norris)
____ Now that Thanksgiving is over, can we please go back to being ungrateful bastards? (Danny Coleiro)
____ always tries to sneak X-Men characters into my conversation. That's just part of my Mystique. (William Hale)
____ would rather miss the 3-point-shot than make it and have no one see. (Donny Norris)
____ Whenever I'm at the playground I like to push kids on the swings. If you push hard enough you can knock the wind out of them and then there's no line for the slide.(Lisa James)
____ But what if bygones want to be something else? (Leilani Christi)
____ I like to start conversations with 'zymurgy', so that if it becomes an argument I can be 100% certain that I've already had the last word. (Danny Coleiro)
____ having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. (Adam Apple)
____ I have a client sitting out in the waiting room absolutely ruining my Journey song since she has angry birds playing at top volume. I'm about to show her how Angry girl works when I sling shot a stapler at her face. (Donna Lee Ivins)
____ People with multiple personalities freak me out. Speak for yourself. You both shut up. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm probably gonna get some heat for this, but I'm turning up the thermostat anyway. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak. (Chris Hallman)
____ When I don't want to wait in line at the bar I tell the bouncer that I'm also a bouncer. Then point to my boobs. ...Then kick him in the nads for laughing and slip through the door. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I put the team in teamwork.. now you do the work. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm not gonna lie, every time I stop at a red light, I secretly hope that those Chinese guys from "Better Off Dead" pull up beside me (Jack Olivar)
____ Does it mean I'm old because I remember the McDonald's sign saying "now serving #1" ? (Mustache Mann)
____ I love all my Facebook friends ..except for you # 139. You, sir, are an a$$hole. (Dennis Cox)
____ Don't know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ How about instead of wearing Shape Ups you just, you know... f***ing exercise? (Toni Daniels)
____ This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving. (Mustache Mann)
____ The good thing about water is that you can have it in your work place. Now, what's special about VODKA is that it looks like water & ... (Renthia Nancy Kaukungwa)
____ To get the ladies in the office gossiping about themselves, I hid a can of opened and rotten tuna in the ladies room trash can. (Mustache Mann)
____ Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy. (Nobo Dy)
____ Dance like no one's watching and post like no one's listening...Because they aren't. Your statuses don't talk, stupid. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BOURNE!" - Matt Damon's Dad probably. (Nobo Dy)
____ suggested to my coworker that we meet in the break room and play a game of rock, paper, scissors to decide who has to stay late to work on a project today. He showed up unarmed so either he is about to forfeit or he misunderstood me but I'm about to stab him anyways. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm a leader, not a follower. Unless it's a dark place. Then f*** it, you're going first! (Toni Daniels)
____ Belongs to an elite secret society that meets regularly to discuss world events, the economy, conspiracies, and the New World Order. We meet every Friday at the bar. We call ourselves; "The Innebriati". (Lisa Hanson)
____ Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba. (William Hale)
____ Spotted the same hot guy on the elevator at work two days in a row now. So yeah...I am pretty sure he is stalking me. (Rae Broman)
____ Told my four-year-old that he was a big boy now and that he should stop using baby words. Now we're going to watch Winnie the Sh*t on DVD. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I don't mean to be negative but - . (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Autocorrect is a who're! (Shannon Seymour)
____ If you don’t feel like writing a long email to somebody, just write a short sentence and then add “Sent from my iPhone.” (Barksdale Janell)
____ The voices in my head are telling me to stop being delusional and that I have earphones on. (Adam Apple)
____ I remember my childhood fondly. Every time I drive down a dirt road, I look for those ramps like in the Dukes of Hazzard...oh...and Daisey with those short shorts...Okay, I just look for Daisey. (Mustache Mann)
____ My lactose intolerance brings all the soys to the yard. (Mya Sisnice)
____ I can't help but care a little when I throw my hands in the air. Sorry, rappers. (Mya Sisnice)
____ My car hasn't needed an oil change in over a year. Every time I use the dipstick to check, it says the bottle's still full. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ My yoga pants have come to terms with the fact that they are really just "sit on the couch & watch movies pants." (Harley Quinn)
____ I LOVE chewing on squid, and when I say "chewing on squid", I of course mean drinking bourbon til I pass out. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I never think faster than when my wife starts a conversation with "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" (Danny Coleiro)
____ Friend requests: Hot chick: You're in. Hot chick pic: You're in. "Like" whore: You're in. Funny interactions: You're in. Some random dude: Message sent. Dude with interactions with no liking ability: Message sent. Anyone I already know I don't like: Hell no! Get a friend request from and you don't accept: I cry in my basement in the fetal position and wonder why for 48hrs. (Nobo Dy)
____ I wish I could say I don't miss hangovers. I have a feeling this one is going to wear out its welcome. (Dorraj Koob)
____ I just had a GPS installed in my life. It keeps urging me to go back four years and turn left... (Robbie Evans)
____ I bet wrongly convicted death row inmates don't think it's cute at all when the President pardons turkeys. (William Hale)
____ I found out that Santa wasn't real when my plan to drug him and rob his sleigh put my dad in the ER having his stomach pumped :( (Donny Norris)
____ The person above my post likes to be on top (Adam Apple)
____ Happy "Pretend Your Dog Knows How to Sign Its Name on Greeting Cards" season! (Toni Daniels)
____ He's making a list & checking it twice....sounds like Santa has OCD. (Rob Parsley)
____ "Can't wait to watch these cheesy-made-for-TV-Christmas-movies!" - no one (Lisa James)
____ I have never ONCE seen a meter maid clean a parking meter. WTF? (Rae Broman)
____ The average man has had sex in a car 15 times, That is something to keep in mind next time you are looking for a used car! (Nikki Sholar Tucciariello)
____ I've always been that "Bridge Jumping" friend your parents tried to warn you about. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ Dear Stalkers, I am going to bed now, and will be up again tomorrow morning at around 8. Until then, *BLEEP* is going to happen. Take a break. (Danny Coleiro)
Everyody was NOT kung-fu fighting. I went camping that day. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Algebra is a weapon of Math Distruction. (Adam Apple)
____ I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn’t pronounce it. (Chris Hallman)
____ Anybody else feel insulted when an ugly person hits on them? (Justin John Bernard)
____ Gross!!! Beer does NOT taste good over Cocoa puffs. I'm switching back to Froot Loops. (Mustache Mann)
____ Ok everybody. We are a team, so here is the plan. If it needs to be said, let me do the talking. If it needs to be done, let me do it. We should be fine if we stick to the plan. (Donny Norris)
____ doesn't mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed (Adam Apple)
____ I must be pretty useful because a hot chick just called me a tool. (Tim Beavin)
____ If I were a sex symbol it would probably be the "less than" symbol :< (Nobo Dy)
____ If you chew tobacco, I'm gonna go ahead and assume you can't afford health insurance....or cigarettes. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If you speak in third person…it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag. (Rae Broman)
____ I've just eaten* sixteen bunches of grapes**
*drunk **bottles of wine (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I ever get Amnesia, don't waste Thousands of Dollars taking me to a Psychologist. Just show me my Facebook account. (Tom Guntorius)
____ How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? (Jack Olivar)
____ I just drew a jelly smile on my toast with a squeeze bottle but I still don't believe it is happy. (Donny Norris)
____ Do you think Michael Jackson will be the leader of the Zombie apocalypse? (Tom Guntorius)
____ This is SH*T! - me pointing to a pile of dog poo. (Lisa James)
____ Having a baby to save a marriage is a terrible idea but having one so u can board the plane 1st is actually kinda clever. (Imraan Jussab)
____ I think the hardest thing about being a vegetarian would be hiding your stash of bacon and steaks from your vegetarian girlfriend. (Justin John Bernard)
____ Life is short and sweet like an oompa loompa that fell into a candy vat. (Lisa James)
____ I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the people I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!" (Heather Robbins-Puliafico)
____ The world needs a hero - I'll go change my clothes (Carrie Leigh)
____ I'm as modest as the next guy, although I have every reason not to be. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help. (Cody Tucker)
____ We're all mature, until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap... (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ I don't know... something about bacon. Just like it and move on. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Soi farI’mm pretry happy withh the resukts of my Blacj Friday $59 firsr eye, half offf the secomd eye, Lasik Eye Surgerydeal. (Robert Quinn)
____ Santa is getting Clasuer and Clauser (Adam Apple)
____ I think that in the poem The Night Before Christmas the real reason Santa laid his finger aside of his nose was because he was clearing the soot from his sinus passages. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear Facebook: You keep offering up people for me to "friend", but then you get all concerned and ask me how I know them. You can't be the pimp and the cop! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ The best way to clear the slate with a girl is to tell her that you're worried about how thin she's been looking lately. (Thomas Christopher)
____ I only tip cows if their service is outstanding. (Jack Olivar)
____ Why is it that people who spit when they talk are the same damn people who think that they have to be right up in your face for you to hear them? (Donny Norris)
____ I always make sure to change very provocatively just in case I have a stalker... I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone! (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ Somewhere in the world right now a couple is patiently waiting for Viagra to kick in. (Nobo Dy)
____ Due to a coal shortage, Santa will be giving all bad little boys and girls Nickelback CDs (Thomas Christopher)
____ :-)~~~~ Gene Simmons smiley face, probably (Julie A Ostmann)
____ I love getting up early in the morning and going for a nice long run, followed by an intense workout at the gym. - Somebody who isn't me. (Bob Brittain)
____ My neighbour's dog wouldn't shut up so I gave him a "barking ticket." I don’t think he took me seriously. (Mya Sisnice)
____ When I get multiple friend requests on MySpace, my pager goes crazy. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ I usually will only lift heavy objects when a pretty woman is in my presence. (Tim Beavin)
____ I spend most first dates asking a girl about the street she grew up on & her first pet's name so I'll at least have access to her passwords. (OverDose)
____ I enjoy the challenge of oncoming traffic. (Nobo Dy)
____ "So there's something better than me?!?!" ~ sliced bread (Jack Olivar)
____ Next person to call me short will be kicked in the butt!!! That's all I can reach anyways. (Khayya Currie)
____ Today's hairstyle is called, "And I didn't brush my teeth either." (Jenni More)
____ Why do people add me on Facebook and never say anything? ... Just hanging around watching like a rapist in a van. (Charissa Sharp Evans)
____ Hey, all of you hot ladies on Facebook: You become increasing less attractive with every kissy faced self portrait you upload. (Michael T. Mandolfo)
____ BACON ( Noun)- The main reason I'm not a vegetarian. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I think that little thing that would stop me from hitting the post/comment/like/ is broken (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ During a meeting today, my boss suddenly dropped dead. Oh how we laughed. (Danny Coleiro)
____ is posting my thought for the day: ...... done! (Carla Cervantes)
____ Caps are powerful because when you say "I am very very happy", it isn't as meaningful as when you say "I am HAPPY!" USE YOUR CAPS WISELY, OR ELSE...I'll put caps in your ass. (Arthur Mabry)
____ It's alright guys. You don't have to like anything. I already love myself. (Nobo Dy)
____ a b c d e f g h I j k l m n o p q r S T F U v w x y z (Shafique Khatri)
____ The only thing we have to cheer is beer itself..~me (Andrew Steven Tafoya)
____ One day, we give thanks for the things we have. The next day, we fight people for cheap products made in China. But then again, I'd punch a you for a waffle maker. And maybe I did... (Jerry King)
____ I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Why is it that the same people who tell you that you seem distant are the very ones who are too close for comfort? (Donny Norris)
____ Can't quite recall whether or not I canceled my date for Friday night or not. Shout out to vodka for keeping things exciting! (Rae Broman)
____ You know what really gets under my skin? An insulating layer of subcutaneous fat. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ BITCH'IN: Used as an adjective as in "MY WIFE IS BITCH'IN" is good. Used as a verb as in "MY WIFE IS BITCH'IN" is bad. (Donny Norris)
____ BLAHLALALALALALALA! ~ My "fall back" response if I see I'm losing the argument. (Donny Norris)
____ It's sucks seeing my kids growing up :( Now I feel kinda' funny playing in their sandbox all by myself. Ehh, I'll get over it once I finish this cool sandcastle! (Tim Gauthier)
____ I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years." She said, "That's a mirror". (Harley Quinn)
____ I can tell you nice things but they'll all be about me. (Nobo Dy)
____ In the sitcom of my life I share an apartment with a prostitute and every night before bed I'd say "sleep tight" Oh how we'd laugh. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Drinking a Skinny Girl margarita & all of a sudden I feel like a reality whore. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean... (Mike Foster)
____ A little annoyed that my GPS gives me directions for my trip according to if I'm traveling by car or foot, but not by LSD. (Harley Quinn)
____ The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going? (Jack Olivar)
____ When I got to the part of the job application that asked, "How much money per hr/per yr" I wrote "How much you got?" because I didn't wanna sound greedy... (Chris Hallman)
____ I've had enough family freakin' togetherness. Tomorrow I will challenge husband and kid to a game of hide and go seek and then sneak out and go to a hotel. (Shauna Parsons)
____ I just woke up from a 2 hour nap when I wasn't tired. So if you wanna know what the face of depression looks like, I'll be glad to send a picture (Jack Olivar)
____ Good Morning Bitches! Not dead and very much I guess we keep going on with the Ha Ha's... (See More)
____ I'm not a hypocrite, I just want to punch people in the face so they don't make the same mistakes that I did! (Amber Delaney Moss)
____ Why do people say "your guess is as good as mine"? No, it's not. My guesses are the best. (Lisa James)
____ I got a close up look at a Smart's just two mopeds, a beach chair and some paper mache. (Nobo Dy)
____ “You know there’s a pill for that” – what I would like to say to most people I meet. (Nobo Dy)
____ If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that we're not quite ready for a Spelling Bee. (Toni Daniels)
____ I'm a pathological liar. True story. (OverDose)
____ Thanks anyway, Red Bull, but we both know that if you really did give me wings I'd just break them flying into a window. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Four Whores and seven beers ago~ Abraham Drinkin' (Mustache Mann)
____ killed a spider with my wife’s bare hands (Adam Apple)
____ *nodding head* "Oh, I understand now!" ~ me not understanding anything that you're saying (Mustache Mann)
____ At this point, I just age against the machine. (Mya Sisnice)
____ After watching Twilight last night…I am convinced that Bella and I have some things in common. We both attract closeted homosexuals….and neither one of us can act. (Rae Broman)
____ I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me. (Shawn Troxel)
____ When people ask me "Plz" just because it's shorter than "Please",I feel perfectly justified to answer "No" just because it's shorter then "Yes". (Gitsrik)
____ Cows would live longer if they weren’t made of steak and leather jackets (Adam Apple)
____ Just went to the “Dislike” community page on facebook and liked three things. Score! (Juliet Abram)
____ To make a long story short: Stry. (Lisa James)
____ Today's Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bulls**t. (Charissa Sharp Evans)
____ I once stood in the back and said "Everyone attack!!", but it didn't turn into a ballroom blitz. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ RockStars and Cops have so much in common. They both want you to have your hands in the air. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Don't worry kids, Grandma's fine! ...It's Santa that got run over by a reindeer. Btw - there'll be no Christmas ever, ever again. (Grandma's not looking so great now is she?) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend (Tom Guntorius)
____ If only the good die young then maybe Santa shares his list with the Grim Reaper, huuuuuuuh??...(Donny Norris)
____ The road less traveled does not have 3G....I'm turning around. (Harley Quinn)
____ If I owe you an should probably know that I am already drowning in debt. (Rae Broman)
____ that awkward moment when the server hands me the mixed girly drink and my boyfriend my beer. (Lisa James)
____ insert a funny status here: ________ because I f***ing give up. (Bob Brittain)
____ WATER - Giver of life…. Destroyer of witches…. Improver of t-shirt contests. (William Hale)
____ If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Sometimes I wear a cape because I'm a SUPER MUTHER F**KER! (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ "Misery loves company." must have been the driving force behind bring your child to work day. (Rae Broman)
____ When you work 7 days a week EVERY DAY IS FRIDAY!!! Haha, just kidding! I wish I was dead. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ To the idiot who got behind me, flashing his light and honking, and then tried to pass me on the shoulder: Yes, I sped up on purpose so you would have to take that exit, and it's a LOOOOOONG freaking way before you will have a chance to turn around. HA! (Donny Norris)
____ loves technology! My car just told me that I was too drunk to drive! Well, it didn't actually say that but, I woke up, upside down in a, it must have been trying to tell me that. (Mustache Mann)
____ Occasionally I like to look through my old statuses and smile smugly at my sparkling wit. (Jenni More)
____ My mind says, "Clean this nasty house!" My body says, "Bitch, shut up!" (Jenni More)
____ My life has become a never ending game of "illegal or just frowned upon?" (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ You can tell how much someone respects you based on the quality of silverware they put out when setting the table. FYI - my entire childhood I thought used popsicle sticks were knives. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ It’s cute how the outdoors tries to compete with the internet. (Adam Apple)
____ thinks that my dignity and boundaries are hanging out again. I can't seem to find either one. :((Toni Daniels)
____ I'm open to new things if they are similar to old ones and get me high or drunk or laid. (Nobo Dy)
____ <------- Believes that no one is a better judge of character than old dogs and little babies. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear Lucky Charms, Please stop putting cereal in my box of marshmallows. Thank you. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Sometimes I feel like porn is the least embarrassing thing I look at on the internet. (Nobo Dy)
____ Ladies: If after one date you tell me, "OMG, you're exactly like me!" That kinda scares me off. I know what I'm like.(Mustache Mann)
____ The next person that tells me I have no shame...probably knows me pretty damn well. (Rae Broman)
____ If there is one thing I've learned in life: an opossum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ When someone says literally, most of the times its not literal. The world is full of liars. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ Every scar tells an interesting story. Except acne scars, those are pretty boring stories... (Thomas Christopher)
____ I hate having to explain myself. Don't ask me why. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one has insurance. Don't kill him." (Sean Shipley)
____ woke up thirty minutes ago, and it's already been "one of those days". (Danny Coleiro)
____ Well, he never showed up for our date, so I'm assuming my imaginary doctor boyfriend is off saving lives or something. That's SO like him! (Mya Sisnice)
____ True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled. (Carrie Danley)
____ wanna go deaf for a few minutes? bring a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait...where did this come from?" (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ I took one of my girlfriends vitamins this morning and if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me. (Chris Hallman)
____ Just pointed at my bag of gummie sharks and said "you're next" as I walked out of the kitchen with a piece of toast. So yeah, big night ahead of me. (Leilani Christi)
____ Better get off of Facebook soon. It's Friday night, and these cats won't Bedazzle themselves... (Lisa Hanson)
____ accidentally called a phone sex line for married people. It was just a long uncomfortable silence till the operator said “make it quick.” (Mya Sisnice)
____ My inner voices are giving me all sorts of New Year's resolution ideas. No wait.. That's just the dishwasher running. (Jenni More)
____ Whenever I block someone from Facebook, I pretend I'm the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld: "No soup for you!" and then I laugh and laugh. (Toni Daniels)

I will add more later.