Saturday, December 31, 2011


As the year comes to a close, I'd like to reflect on the people I've met through this blog and my FAN PAGE. I am a person with much to say, but I'm speechless when I scroll through the status updates you've all contributed this year. I'm so thankful for this ingenious group of people! What's that? Am I crying? No, my eyes are bleeding from reading all of your status updates because I keep forgetting to blink. Here are a few I liked:
____ I don't know why men think women are catty. I admire all my fellow females... Except this woman giving my outfit the stink-eye who's obviously a total Ho Bag. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I like how the question mark looks like an ear. Whaaat? (Lisa James)
____ There've been so many awkward moments, nothing is awkward anymore. (Nobo Dy)
____ You would be suprised how inexpensive your home entertainment system can be if you can acquire a 4 wheel dolly and a WalMart smock. (Donny Norris)
____ Whenever I read a hilarious status I convince myself that I thought of it first then I high five myself. (Adam Apple)
____ Nothing says "I am ready for a commitment!" like me when I am tanked. Or the fact that I still use plastic utensils. (Rae Broman)
____ Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new layout? (StevieLyn Green)
____ I don't really care if people don't "like" my posts. I will simply go on with my day by unfriending them, blocking them, finding out where they live, burning their house down and stealing their car. But the last thing I'm gonna do is get upset over something so trivial. (Bob Brittain)
____ My jokes are not always nonsense but when they are I ride my bicycle. (Adam Apple)
____ Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3. (Mya Sisnice)
____ Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on bitches. (Donny Norris)
____ I scream. You scream. The police come. It's awkward. (Jenni More)
____ So these 2 typos walk into a pube... (Nobo Dy)
____ The Mayans BETTER be right, I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013! Wish me luck... (Mustache Mann)
____ My favourite stereotype would probably have to be car stereos, because who doesn't love music while they drive? (Mya Sisnice)
____ My Christmas tree fell over last night so now I'm lying beside it, humming Lauryn Hill songs because we understand each other. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ whenever I get tagged in a post I'm all like "you rang?" (Lisa James)
____ I'm going to bed and you will like this post because it's just what you do and I will have oatmeal for breakfast and you will like that too. (Donny Norris)
____ Does everyone have a weird Facebook acquaintance that comments on all their sh*t, or is it just me? (Shafique Khatri)
____ I want to make love to you - Me, talking to my 17th beer. (Bob Brittain)
____ starts a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that it will trick people into thinking we already talked. (William Hale)
____ My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving. (Chris Hallman)
____ I hate it when someone makes eye contact with me and I can't decide whether to serve chicken or fish at our wedding. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You people sucke'... it sounds nicer with the e and accent mark right? (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink. I already have one. (See More)
____ I like my men like my Vodka: Gone in the morning. (Rae Broman)
____ I hate when girls use vague phrases that could mean anything, like "hook up" and "no." (Nobo Dy)
____You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.
(Shannon Seymour)
____ ◄ is looking forward to a weekend full of regretful behavior and irreversible decisions. (Tracy Love)
____ I'm pretty sure I could beat up a shark. (OverDose)
____ "Well, I tried." -any judge at the end of any given work day (Arthur Mabry)
____ Sometimes I like to storm into the office yelling "OK PEOPLE! I WANNA SEE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE!" while throwing underwear in everyone's faces and leaving before they realize I don't work there. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Like this status and I will post naked for the next hour. Won't do much for you guys, but it'll certainly liven up Starbucks. (Adam Apple)
____ This status brought to you by the fact that my autocorrect knows when I'm drunk. (Dorraj Koob)
____ Nothing in life is free. Other than the stuff you successfully steal. (Nobo Dy)
____ FYI- I have a high success rate at leaving people for dead. (Nobo Dy)
____ I haven't been in a relationship for so long, Facebook just asked if I am okay. (Toni Daniels)
____ "I can't believe it's not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder. (Mya Sisnice)
____ If I could do a back flip, you'd know it.... because that's how I would enter and exit every room. Always. (Lee Greenspan)
____ I WANNA ROCK! - Dee Snider at a quarry. (Bob Brittain)
____ Whoever said "You can't fold a piece of paper in half 8 times" has clearly never seen me use the last sheet of toilet paper. (Gerti Kola)
____ I tend to repeat my mistakes because I am usually so drunk that I don’t remember making them in the first place. (Rae Broman)
____ Lets get one thing straight - I am NOT cute - Cute is a puppy dog. Cute is an Anne Geddes photo. Cute is not a 28 year old chick fluent in sarcasm. Now that, well, that's hot. (Sara Lavoie)
____ My ex-wife is spreading false rumors about me being schizophrenic. Well, four people can play at that game. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I wrote this status with my tongue. (Adam Apple)
____ Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....." (Laurie Hicks)
____ On the Internet, you can be anything you want to be. I choose to be a ninja country girl with a bad attitude. Oh wait, no I wanna be an astronaut. Always wondered what it would feel like to get drunk and throw up in space. (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ "The camera adds £50." ~English electronics salesman (Rajat Behl)
____ In a parallel universe, my ass just laughed me off. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you watch my life backwards, I'm still losing. (OverDose)
____ Apparently the guy in the next stall doesn't want his feet tickled. (Rich Stevenson)
____ My parents don't wanna move to Florida when they turn 60...BUT THATS THE LAW DAMNIT!#@$%^&!! (Jordana G-star)
____ If this guy says "jazz hands" one more time I'm gonna jazz punch him in the throat. (Nobo Dy)
____ I want a pet penguin so I can name it Pengwyneth Paltrow and I can take it to the beach with me and feed it to a shark.(Rajat Behl)
____ Whenever I see the MSIB winky happy face, I feel like it knows something. (Sharon De Koning)
____ just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill - tomorrow I think I'll actually turn it on! (Dennis E Kirk II)
____ 365 more days til we all die! YAY! (Bob Brittain)
____ People who keep activating and deactivating their Facebook accounts must have some sad stories. And I don't care if I ever hear them. (Toni Daniels)
____ When my swear jar gets full, I'm gonna use the money to buy a f$%&ing puppy! (Shafique Khatri)
____ A little girl just told me that she liked my snuggie and this is the last sweater dress I will ever wear. (Jenni More)
____ Me-"Do you want dinner?" Him-"Sure, what are my choices?" Me-"Yes or no."(Shannon Seymour)
____ At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. I hate those things. My kids, they're cordless. :) (Sara Lavoie)
____ Ladies, you can cut the sh*t. When you take a tiny nibble out of that piece of chocolate and then put it back in the box we know that as soon as we're not looking you are gonna gobble it up along with 6 more faster than a cat can lick his ass. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm too drunk to drive! Give me 5 minutes. (Nobo Dy)
____ WHEW! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers." (Bob Brittain)
____ I do some of my most faithful renditions of cityscapes and portraits with my white crayon. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I feel cool when I get 8 or more likes on my status, but I get put back in my place when I see people with 50+ likes on what they had for breakfast. (Jacob Grell)
____ Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it's because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;) (Toni Daniels)
____ When you're feeling down I'll be there to feel you up. (Shannon Seymour)
____ "I'll be Bach" ~ Bach (every damn second of every damn day if he'd lived to see the 90's) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ No thanks Facebook,I DO NOT want to add that bitch from High School as a friend. I WILL, however, add EVERY SINGLE HOT guy from back then that rejected me and treated me like a loser.(Rae Broman)
____ I don't get FaceBook crushes. I get FaceBook smothering with pillows. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you take a tiny poop is it a dumpling? (Lisa James)
____ Operator: “911 please hold.” Me: “Stop murdering me for a sec, we're on hold.”
Murderer: “k.” (William Hale)
____ Which do you think Sandusky prefers? Boxers or wrestlers? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ No one realizes the true horror of alcohol until they run out of it. (Nobo Dy)
____ I'm wicked tired. It's like regular tired, except I'm evil. (Lisa James)
____ I was worried about side effects of taking Ambien so I asked my doctor. He asked me what I was doing inside his fridge at 3am. (Jack Olivar)
____ Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "I'd do me!" Then I realize that's pretty much my only option. So I do me. I do me good. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I know the light has changed twice people but I'm playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show. (Donny Norris)
____ No matter how nice I ask, nobody will take me to Funkytown. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Ever try batting your eyelashes at a guy you really like but wind up totally missing and bludgeoning him in the head instead? Lol, right? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Stroking someone’s hair while they're asleep and whispering goodnight is adorable. It only gets creepy when they wake up. (Mya Sisnice)
____ The Ignore button on my phone is my best friend tonight. (Nobo Dy)
____ Coworker: I wonder if you would take this quote off my hands, I'm really swamped. Me: Blee blah bloop woogah who ha walla walla spud monkeys of Gibraltar. Coworker: What you said is stupid and makes no sense. Me: So was your statement. (Donny Norris)
____ There must be something wrong with my email. I keep sending you naked pictures of me, and you're not responding. I'll send you a few more just to be sure. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I was sitting here watching my bulldog lick her arm pits and you know I just had to see if I could lick mine....I can. (Bob Brittain)
____ I studied Latin all through school...or should I say "oolskay." (Sharon De Koning)
____ The walk of shame is still exercise. (Shannon Seymour)
____ To be honest, I can't see myself giving a man a fish in the foreseeable future, let alone teaching him how to catch his own. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Wow, these skinny girl margaritas make you guys a lot funnier! (Sharon De Koning)
____ I love my wife. Sh*t, I meant Wifi. (Gitsrik)
____ My friend says I just don't understand irony. Which was ironic because we were at the bustop. (Gerti Kola)
____ I haven't had my mental health in years... Funny thing is, I don't miss it :) (Lisa James)
____ Is it my turn to talk out of? (Dennis Cox)
____ We have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "Boss", we say "stupid psychopathic git"... (Farhanah Khalit)
____ I take my best pictures running red lights... (Jay'Arr Zone'Dee Stewart)
____ Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops. And sometimes skips. (Tom Guntorius)
____ When I was young my family was so poor the only time we got to eat meat was when we bit our tongue. (Shannon Seymour)
____ My eyes woke up on the bong side of red. (Jenni More)
____ Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up (Adam Apple)
____ I think it's rather ironic that the state of Connecticut has two contradictory actions in it's name. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If it wasn't for my nowledge of English spelling and grammer, I would had nothing. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My friend David had his id stolen. So now we just call him Dav. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Got pulled over by the cops today & he asked me if I had a police record. I said, "Yes...'Every Breath You Take' & 'Don't Stand So Close to Me'", what is my lawyer's number? (Dotty Joyner)
____ I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses. (Donny Norris)
____ What would Elvis do? (Dennis Cox)
____ It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports. (Egg Head)
____ If a kidnapper sends you a ransom note with spelling and grammatical errors, it's okay to demand a new one before starting negotiations. (William Hale)
____ Two months ago I threw my friend a great party. I think he should go home now (Adam Apple)
____ When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your girl. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ Every time a door closes, another opens somewhere else. I think it's, like, an air pressure thing. (Jody Walker Stratton)
____ Shuffle all you want. Everyday I'm guzzling. (Rich Stevenson)
____ Blood may be thicker than water but it doesn't taste as good in Jello. (Bri Guy)
____ WooHoo!! I just got this status out of lay-away!! How does it look?! (Mustache Mann)
____ To those who have criticized the looks of Sarah Jessica Parker, I say "neigh". It would behoove you to stop making making such unbridled remarks. It is unfair to saddle her with this burden of ugliness. Someone needs to take the reins here and say, "Whoooooaa, this is going too far." Why do we need to trot out these same cracks every time her name comes up? If she were coming to my town, I would pony up the cash to see her. :/ (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ Baby, nothing makes you sexier than those 6 beers I just had. (Adam Apple)
____ just saw a sign that said "pass with care.". So when I drove by I yelled out, "hope you don't mind me passing you and that you get a faster car soon, have a good day", even though I don't give a sh*t. (Lisa James)
____ When we were little, we didn't care about what to wear. Our parents dressed us. Lookin' back at my old pictures, it seems they didn't care either. (Toni Daniels)
____ Part of my New Year's resolution is to take care of neglected children.. starting with my 2 kids... oh wait, 3. (Mya Sisnice)
____ Just saw an ad that read: "Fluffer wanted for movie set". They must have a lot of pillows, huh? Well, I sent my resume in, wish me luck! (Mustache Mann)
____ I miss the good old days when you didn't need plyers and a hack saw to get your medication out of the packaging. (Lisa James)
____ Important life lesson...You can't hide a booger under a glass table. (Carrie Leigh)
Well guess who's banned from bringing refreshments to the AA meetings? This is worse than the time I was in charge of activities at the retirement home... I still got the stripper pole. (Donny Norris)
____ My favorite memory of 2011, is having no memory of 2011. (Lisa James)
____ You might be old if you miss something from 'the good ole days' :( (Lisa James)
____ My wife said I should make abstinence my New Year's resolution, and I agreed with her 100%. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go look up "abstinence" in the dictionary. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I love spiders so much that if I was a super hero I'd be called "Batman Who Loves Spiders". (Mya Sisnice)
____ I would add each and everyone of you funny mother effers to be my Facebook friends but then you would know exactly how much of a thieving bastard i am:/ (David Burnham)
____ Facebook should add a hug and kiss button that way people can have a little foreplay before getting poked. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I laid my kids cereal out to form a big circle on the kitchen table, and told them "this is the circle of LIFE". I hope they have no further questions..... (Mustache Mann)
____ I didn't realize I wasn't supposed to kick the other girls in the crotch, it was my first kickboxing class. (Lisa James)
____ I've come to the conclusion that the majority of people who use the words "haters" and "swag" often have neither. (William Hale)
____ I'd say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. (Arthur Mabry)
____ People who clap at the end of movies also join in singing "Happy Birthday" at a restaurant for a stranger. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Sometimes I think you must wonder whether I'm stalking you or just joking around. Then I smile at how cute you look when you're sleeping & get back to naming our grandchildren. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Dear Toilet Paper Companies: We have ALL run out of toilet paper before. Please make the inside tube softer. ~ Sincerely, My Ass ~ (Sha Foxx Rivenbark)
____ Just once I want the same reaction as my 2 year old niece gets when I announce I just used the potty (Jack Olivar)
____ Does anybody know the expiration on whoop-ass? I opened a can last week and I’m not sure if it’s still good. (Gitsrik)
____ Who's up for a friendly game of "What's my alibi"? (Sean Shipley)
____ I had to break up with my boyfriend because he had so many different personalities I thought I was cheating on him every night. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ I could never be a spy in a third world country. I'd blow my cover as soon as the first spider touched me.(Shannon Seymour)
____ Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook WON'T fix it. (Sara Lavoie)
____ Instead of supporting the stop snitching movement, people need to support the stop doing dumb sh*t to get arrested movement. (Justin Sayson)
____ Thank god Pandora has a New Years Eve station because if not I would have NO IDEA what to listen to. (Lisa James)
____ I told my buddy's grandpa a joke yesterday and he laughed so hard he fell out of his porch swing and broke his hip and that's not funny...You people are sick. (Donny Norris)
____ Setting the bar high the previous year is the best way to drunkedly crawl underneath it the first few months of the next. (Rich Stevenson)
____ Remember that time when the Twilight film series was popular? What?! It's STILL popular? Well, f*&^. (Kyle MacDougall)
____ Ummmm...does anyone have an extra liver I can borrow for New Years Eve? Thanks in advance...(Mustache Mann)
____ In my original plan, I had a maid! (Carrie Leigh)
____ Ok so this lady told me I couldn't hold her baby because I was too drunk. Uuh, first off, don't bring your baby to a bar, am I right?!? And second, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar. Geeze. (Kim Carr)
____ How about instead of complaining about the quality of posts on here, you go away and GET FUNNY? (Mandeh Moo)
____ Sorry about all the typos lately, gays. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Maybe, just maybe the guy that was in charge of designing the Mayan calendar just died when he got to December 2012 and nobody else felt like continuing it because they were like, "why the hell were we planning that far ahead anyway?" (Michael Grantham)
____ I can only hope that some where in the world, someone else is doing the exact same thing as me. And if no one is...what are we fighting for....Holy crap this heating pad is hot on my ass! (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ So if they recommend you have four servings of fruit a day, how many Corona's with lime would that be? (Carrie Leigh)
____ A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.. :D (Fitzroy Røbèrts)
____ In a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment. (Eric Caro)
____ Choosy moms should just focus on the task at hand and make the damn sandwich! (Rich Stevenson)
____ If your ears burn because people are talking about you, what does it mean if your nipples itch? Just curious... (Nikki Sholar Tucciariello)
____ I'm not sexist; being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women. (Gary Hensley)
____ it's screw you o'clock riiiiight... now (Adam Apple)
____ If you don't like tater-tots, you're a b*tch. (OverDose)
____ I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks. As soon as I heard that first "Dun, Dun,” I'd be outta there! (William Hale)
____ I don't mean to brag, but most of the time I brag. (Adam Apple)
____ It's always that one damn person that talks to me and then all of sudden no one is safe. (Nobo Dy)
____ I gave blood today and they told me my blood type is "beer positive". (Mustache Mann)

Is your New Year's Resolution "Be funnier on Facebook"? Become a FAN and contribute your own status updates, or just borrow some from us. Thanks for stopping by!