Hi. My name is MY STATUS IS BADDEST, and I'm hooked on booze, phonics, chapstick, and the wit of the fine people who post on my FAN PAGE.
____ If you can’t take a joke.. don’t walk around looking like one. (Adam Apple)
____ This annoying woman behind me at the coffee shop is reading what I'm writing. Can't wait until she realizes... Thaaaaat's right Lady, look away. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I laugh at my own jokes when I'm reading your posts. (Nobo Dy)
____ Okay... We have Smartphones and Smart Cars. Can we start concentrating on making more Smart people now? (Mustache Mann)
____ Sat down in front of the computer specifically to look something up, and one hour later, I'm still here on Facebook, and totally forgot what I came here for. (Arthur Mabry)
____ "What the hell am I supposed to do now?" ~ Me when I'm not on Facebook. (Adam Apple)
____ Do the right thing today, go to someone's profile. Scroll down 4 months and like something. (Nobo Dy)
____ Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I am going to log off early tonight and spend some quality time with my wife because I am a good husband and I left my phone charger at work. (Donny Norris)
____ If a post is really good you will read it twice if a post is really good you will read it twice (Adam Apple)
____ I don't think first three letters in diet are accidental. (Nobo Dy)
____ If at first you don't succeed try try again is good advice but trust me, the judge doesn't want to hear it. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Some days I think that I would be much happier if I were single...and all the other days I know it for a fact. (Harley Quinn)
____ I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day. (Deb Esposito Corcoran)
____ I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings and so on, so on, you get it, whatever. (Leilani Christi)
____ When we're at work and I say hi, what I really mean is f*** you. (Bonnie Lou Demster)
____ “Check out my twelve pack abs!” ~ Me, strutting past the store clerk with a 12-pack under my shirt. (Tim Gauthier)
____ I am addicted to MUSIC!!!! FACEBOOK!!!!! MOVIES!!!! AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!! (Adam Apple)
____ I wonder what Water did to get kicked out of Earth, Wind and Fire? (Mya Sisnice)
____ The "Like" button is free you inconsiderate bastards. I love you. (Nobo Dy)
____ In theory, I LIKE your status. On paper, I don't. (Arthur Mabry)
____ <--- Insert mildly funny status here. Danny Coleiro and 498 others like this. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Monday spelled backwards is NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Lisa James)
____ Another reason weed is better than alcohol: never stone dialed an ex... By the time I grab my phone I forget why I have it, and just order a pizza instead. (Ryan Lucas Sherrer)
____ Well it’s time to get off my ass... and lie on my stomach (Adam Apple)
____ It saddens me to think about all the deserving people who will go without a bitch slap today. (Donny Norris)
____ Yeah, well I was an idiot the other day and looked for a "like" button on a text. F*** you, Facebook. (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ just read an article about McRibs. They're made from McRubber. (Lisa James)
____ I hate it when people tell me I need to get out more...and don't offer to be my designated driver. (Rae Broman)
____ The weather man said 6-8 inches. We got 4. I now understand the disappointment women have to endure. (Bob Brittain)
____ "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen" - no man, to any woman, ever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ There's nothing better than sitting on the couch in your underwear. I'm going to enjoy this until the department store security guys show up. (Barksdale Janell)
____ I'm wearing my Friday underwear on a Tuesday so today is going to rock! (Lisa James)
____ Jim Henson took it a little too far when he made Snooki. (Nobo Dy)
____ You know the book called "The Power of thinking without thinking"? I just bought the book without buying it. (GoldRobo DancerGuy)
____ I intend on answering every question today, with a cleverly placed movie quote. I'll be baack later to tell you how it went. (Jack Olivar)
____ "OMG...LEAVE me alone people!!" ~ ME checking my status notifications every 35 seconds. (Rae Broman)
____ I missed a period in my last status...thank god I’m a guy (Adam Apple)
____ Destiny's Child "I'm a Survivor" seems to lose some of it's gusto when you're lying in the fetal position singing it into a mars bar and sobbing. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ FINALLY took off the headband that I have been wearing since 6am...I no longer question why Marsha Brady was such a bitch... (Rae Broman)
____ I feel like Ms. Pacman gives women an unrealistic body image. (Mya Sisnice)
____ If I was a street bum I would wear a beret and paint pictures because "Starving Artist" seems more romantic.... (Donny Norris)
____ Sometimes you look at the makeup women wear and you have to wonder if back in kindergarten they also colored outside the lines. (Jack Olivar)
____ Turns out a crash diet doesn't mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon! (Nikki Sholar Tucciariello)
____ My bartender and I got into an argument and he told me that he was going to give me an Old Fashioned ass whipping. The next thing I knew he had thrown bitters in my eyes, sprayed me down with club soda and hit across the head with a bottle of bourbon...... I'm not even telling what he did with the lemon wedges and the sugar cube :/ (Donny Norris)
____ Papa's Got a Brand New Bag - James Brownweed (Nobo Dy)
____ I was carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out. (Chris Hallman)
____ Just saw several boys gathered in my neighbors yard. Figure it's probably related to someone's milkshake. Or a drug deal....Too soon to tell. (Harley Quinn)
____ Whenever I pull up to a stop light and there is someone there with a cardboard sign looking for a few bucks and I think about giving them some, I remember the hard day I had at my JOB and go buy some beer instead. (Bob Brittain)
____ If someone asks me a dumb question, I say "let me put on my thinking hat!" Then I put a condom over my head and stand there till they leave. (Toni Daniels)
____ Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I've got your back" (Cory Nation)
____ I still can't believe that wasn't butter. (Dorraj Koob)
____ Saying "and sh*t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I'm playing with barbies and sh*t! (Gerti Kola)
____ and alcohol are now friends. (Aneesh Mani)
____ If I don't see more than 7 likes on a status, I don't even bother reading it. (Dana O'Neal)
____ I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg! (Karen Vanselow)
____ I think it's time to turn my life around. ...so I have decided that last night is the last time I will ever kill anybody, EVER! Look at me being good. :-) (James Bowers)
____ 1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9. If you thought this was leading up to something good, well that's life. (Donny Norris)
____ If it's consistency you're shooting for, it's pretty simple to disappoint all of the people all of the time. (Sean Shipley)
____ I'm so poor I have to eat Tom and Jerry's Ice Cream. (Dennis Cox)
____ "I'm thinking of doing a pot joke." "That's stupid." "Shut up, kettle." (Nobo Dy)
____ Did you know that all liquor stores are open 24/7 when you have a brick? (Adam Apple)
____ The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft. (Shannon Seymour)
____ You know you should never judge a person from his profile picture. Judge them for their status updates. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Has never been in bad situation, only in really good stories. (Amanda Brinkley)
____ Some nights I drive to a cliff, stare blankly out into the ocean and think really hard about my life, just in case I'm part of a montage. (Mya Sisnice)
____ We were doing team building exercises at work yesterday. I wanted to call my team "The Incredible Edibles" but then no one wanted to be on my team and now the room gets quiet whenever I walk in. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ It's amazing how many of friends of mine who always said "it seemed like it was a good idea at the time", are now dead, or a dad. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If the cup is half empty then you are a wuss who can't handle a shot! (Donny Norris)
____ "Pump up the jam" - someone with a hearing problem. (Jack Olivar)
____ I wish I could go back to a time where I could say that I love grandma's muffins without someone laughing at me. (Donny Norris)
____ Whoever used this toilet before me should be rushed to the hospital. (Toni Daniels)
____ Every time I get in a taxi and it's not the Cash Cab, I jump out at the next stop and yell "Red Light Chaaaallenge" as the driver chases me. (Nobo Dy)
____ The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest. :/ (Shrupti Tarma)
____ I don’t care if you call me a narcissist... at least we’re talking about me. (Adam Apple)
____ You know that little blue button that says "share"? Well some of you need to pretend it isn't there. Thanks :) (Mustache Mann)
____ Why is there always an Awkward silence after any "moment of silence"? (Mustache Mann)
____ I did drugs for the first time today...I do them everyday, I'm just saying I woke up a few minutes ago. (Dennis Cox)
____ Hey, I bought you a new necklace. It's made out of rope and it's hanging from the ceiling. Why don't you go try it on? (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ Every now and then I look at my dog and remind him that he’s adopted and his real parents didn’t want him. (Jack Olivar)
____ There's A Rumor Going Around That I Like To Start Rumors (Tom Guntorius)
____ Just told a guy talking on his phone in the library to shut the hell up, and everyone applauded me, so I told them to shut the hell up too. (See More)
____ I hate being the only one pissed drunk at a party...It totally ruined my friend's son's sixth birthday. (Cody Tucker)
____ I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life" (Mya Sisnice)
____ Does hooking up with a bartender make you a slut OR fiscally responsible due to the discounted bar tab? Something to ponder.. (Jenni More)
____ The nurse left her blood pressure cuff in my room. When she was checking my blood pressure, I remember her saying "one size fits all". Guess what I'm doing now... (Mustache Mann)
____ It is always exciting when you find an onion ring in your Burger King french fries but not so much when you find a french fry in your onion rings. (Tim Beavin)
____ The "YEE" is high pitched but the "HAW" is a deeper tone, I'm tired of explaining this. (Donny Norris)
____ I already told Cher that I do believe in life after love.. so I'm not sure why she keeps askin'. (Toni Daniels)
____ Just when you have hope for all humans someone goes and answers a rhetorical question without sarcasm & we have to start all over again. (Sean Shipley)
____ So....This guy just asked me if I was a homosexual. I believe his exact words were..."Do you like Twilight"? (Shafique Khatri)
____ "No money? Bad credit? No credit? Chlamydia? Rapist? Coming into murder us? No problem!" - Car dealerships (Thomas Christopher)
____ Everyone has a family tree, unfortunately I have a family cactus filled with a bunch of Pricks. (StevieLyn Green)
____ My mom taught me all the really important stuff growing up. Like not to run with scissors when you can just throw them at your sibling. (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ I tried to change my password to "husband" but I got an error message saying it contained too many useless characters. (Toni Daniels)
____ If you have never drunk dialed your boss at 2am to inform her that you have come down with the swine flu and won’t be in tomorrow, you are probably a smarter drunk than me…and you are also not getting written up this morning. (Rae Broman)
____ If you want to experience the joy of having kids, give all your money to a bum, always let someone else have the last drumstick and take cold showers for the next 18 to 22 years. Yep, that about covers it. (Donny Norris)
____ Women who have fake botoxy lips should have to use this smiley ;() (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ I just captured a moth & safely released it outside... So guess it's a good thing nobody asked me to hang out. (Mya Sisnice)
____ The toughest part about problems is figuring out whether to throw food or booze at them. (Nobo Dy)
____ Every time I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel. (Hollywood Allan)
____ When you get married you will understand why Barbie and Ken are sold separately (Adam Apple)
____ I use the self check out aisle because I like to whisper "I own you now" everytime I scan something. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don't squish you guys. (Harley Quinn)
____ Weed... Deleting memories since....... I forgot :( (Shafique Khatri)
____ Fool me once shame on you fool me once shame on you ~ guy with a very bad memory (Adam Apple)
____ I'm living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Deleted 5 people today. I feel so POWERFUL! (Donny Norris)
____ I think I speak for everyone here when I say anything. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I treat my cell phones like I treat my men. I end up breaking them in less than a month and then they're totally dead inside. (Toni Daniels)
If you have a funny Facebook Status update you'd like to share, become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit it. Thanks, everybody!
