FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT 2013:

Last year, I didn't compile status updates about the New Year. Perhaps I was overwhelmed by the 300+ status updates posted daily on my FAN PAGE at the time. I'm going to post as many as I can find and post them now. Disclaimer: If the original status update referenced "2011", I changed it to "2012" because I felt like it and I'm the boss of you. Thanks for sticking around during this peculiar year. I can't wait to see what you unpredictable and demented people come up with in 2013!

___ My New Year's resolution is to take up a new hobby, like jogging. I just hope it doesn't interfere with my other hobby: lying. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ This year, instead of making New Year's resolutions, I'm making Old Year resolutions, where I look back at the things I did and pretend that's what I set out to do. (Danny Coleiro)
____ One of my New Year's resolutions is to see Snakes on a Plane. Not the movie. I just really wanna smuggle some snakes onto a plane this year. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm trying every microbrew and major brand beer from around the globe. Yup, THIS is my New Beer's resolution. (Mustache Mann)
____ If I remember New Year's Eve, there is something seriously wrong. (Adam Apple)
____ New Year's Resolutions are for people who don't have the willpower to stay the same. (Donny Norris)
____ Well, by this time Tuesday, I will have broken every single one of my resolutions. (Bob Brittain)
____ I'm randomly selecting one of your profile pics to print and make out with at midnight. (Mya Sisnice)
____ New Years Resolution #1: Don't throw up (Tom Guntorius)
____ My New Year's Resolution #1: Incorporate bacon into a majority of my meals. (Dotty Joyner)
____ All ready for my New Year's Eve party. I forgot the noisemakers so I just told my friends to bring their kids. (Lisa James)
____ Kiss me ~ it's midnight somewhere. (Helen Waite)
____ 2013 New years Resolution: Let's try NOT to be throwing up hot Gatorade at 8 a.m. on Jan 1st. (Amy Horisk)
____ For a couple of weeks now I've been trying to come up with a few meaningful, attainable New Year's resolutions but I've come to the conclusion that I'm perfect & I don't need to change a damn thing. (Jerry Pisano)
____ How much do you have to drink to forget a year? Whatever that is, that is what I will drink on New Year's Eve. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I tried to reflect back over this year but I can't remember past 5 p.m. yesterday. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm going to spend New Year's Eve the same way I spend any other night of the year...getting horribly smashed and falling asleep in my neighbor's shrubs. (Bob Brittain)

Need more? Try THESE.

MORE STATUS UPDATES ABOUT THE NEW YEAR:

Need a few more Facebook status updates about the New Year? Check out my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE today to see what my smart-ass readers have to say about it.

____ I've decided to raise the bar for my New Year's resolutions. This one is too short to lean against while drinking. (Mustache Mann)
____ My New Year's resolution is to get so smashed I black out for the cab ride home, puke on my neighbors porch and wake up in bed with strangers. Same as last years. (Chasity Myers)
____ Ever notice that the douchebag who says "See you next year!" on New Years Eve is always someone you wouldn't mind not seeing for the entire year? (Quirky Sally)
____ A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other. (Veronica Stone)
____ My biggest accomplishment in 2012 is writing "accomplishment" without typos. (Adam Apple)
___ My probation officer just called to see if I wanted to go party with her on New Years Eve...I smell a trap. (Tom Guntorius)
____ The lady at the liquor store just wished me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. It's like, come on, you know you will see me at least 4 more times before then. (Sean Kylen)
____ My New Year's resolution is to stop talking to those people who keep asking me about my New Year's resolution. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I don't do New Years Resolutions. I do New Years Reservations. First I pick a restaurant. Then I'm like, hope this year doesn't suck. (Lisa James)
____ I bid ye all a Happy New Year and thank ye for the last 365 days of mirth, merriment and hilarity. (Danny Coleiro)
____ New Years Resolution: Don't stick tongue in toaster. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ My New year's resolution is to beat the hell out of anyone who makes a New year's Resolution. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Well, now that all this Christmas love happiness and charitable crap is over, down to the important things...like what hooker dress to wear for New Year's eve. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Happy New Year, everyone! (I stole this status) (Kim Stewart)

Some of you got a little sentimental about our FAN PAGE, and it made me happy:

____ Happy New Year to the person behind the scenes of MSIB and to all who take center stage on a daily basis and keep me laughing constantly. You remind me that no matter how shitty life can be at times, laughter is a cure-all. And a special thank you to beer, I couldn't have done it without you. Happy New Year! (Bob Brittain)
____ It's been a great year for the MSIB fan page. I've met so many new amazing, funny, witty, and genuinely awesome people this year. So, as I'm going to be getting blasted this evening, a huge part of it is going to because of this room, and the awesome people I've met. Cheers! (Mike Seriously)
____ If I have to thank 1 person for making 2012 way better for me It will have to be the person behind MSIB for being the link to you people. You know who you are...love you. (Adam Apple)
____ Happy New Year to those who make me laugh every day when I've needed it most. This page & the people on it are a gift :) (Liz Barrand)

YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE YOU LOVE FACEBOOK AND YOU LOVE STATUS UPDATES, RIGHT?

You are likely here because you want a Facebook status update that will make your friends laugh. If that is the case, I like you already. There are a lot of grumpy people on Facebook this year. A lot of whiny people whining about a lot of stuff. You, however, have chosen to help your Facebook friends escape the negativity that may surround them. Facebook would suck without people like you!
If you've followed my blog for a long time, you may know that both of my parents are battling cancer. I could go into more detail, but I won't. I could write paragraph after paragraph about how hilarious and awesome they are and that they fill me with hope and gratefulness every day, but I won't.

**Mom and Dad dancing at a wedding reception last month. **

I will say that they make me laugh. All the time. They always have. Even now, their humor is captivating to me. However, right now they could use something unexpected to give them some laughter, joy, HOPE. My wish is for them to go to the mailbox and see it filled with funny postcards or letters by my humorous readers from all over the world. Please send some cheer to: Mom and Pop MSIB - P.O. Box 1824, Maryland Heights, MO, 63043. It will only take a few minutes to make their lives a little brighter. They can't travel, but I have readers from all over the globe and they would love to see who you are, where you are from, and why you know their weirdo kid. This is my Holiday wish. Happy Holidays to my second family over at MY STATUS IS BADDEST! Much love, MSIB :)

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD:

My FACEBOOK FANS have been very busy writing about our impending doom tomorrow. You'd think they would be out getting drunk or building that treehouse they always wanted, but whatever. Thanks, guys. I sure will miss you wacky bastards!

____ Can someone tell me why we are putting so much faith in the Mayans? They couldn't even predict Spanish guys in funny hats destroying their civilization much less the end of the world. (Jack Olivar)
____ The next time you come across a Mayan making a calendar, leave him the f*** alone! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Just two weeks 'til the end of the Mayan calendar and the start of the apocalypse. I hope it's not as devastating as Y2K was. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I hope the Mayans were right, because I've run out of storage space for all these f***s I don't give. (Danny Coleiro)
____ According to the Mayans this will be the last Monday ever. I hope they are right because I just flipped my desk, shot my boss with the stapler and told the whole office to suck my balls. Man I'm gonna miss Mondays, (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Preparation for End of the World, 15 days to go: Filling basement with lots of beer. (Lisa James)
____ I'm out of ice cream. Looks like the Mayans were right. (Imraan Jussab)
____ Sorry Mayans. The world won't be ending on the 21st of December. Apparently it already ended this morning when I left the toilet seat up. (Joe Felli)
____ You'd think we'd get the apocalypse off to spend with our families, but NOOO. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My wife and I were fighting over a really old calendar. She said it was hers, but it was actually Mayan. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If the Apocalypse doesn't happen, don't worry. People will be posting "It's not the end of the world!" jokes all f***ing day long on Facebook.(Mys ter E)
____ If the world dosen't end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.(Donny Norris)
____ I'm taking Pre-Orders for some new merchandise: "The World was supposed to end but I'm still alive and I all got was this lousy t-shirt". (Lisa James)
____ Thanks to the Mayans, we'll never get to experience 13/13/13. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I've been preparing for the zombie apocalypse my whole life by ordering my steaks rare and being completely dead inside. (Connie Day)
____ World is going to end in 5 days and YOU are worried about how I GOT INTO YOUR CAR? (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ I've decided to quit smoking. I want to be fit enough to lift a 32 inch flat screen during the "end of the world" looting coming up. (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ "Well, this is awkward..." - the Mayans. 22-12-12. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Tonight in MSIB news, the Mayan calendar draws to a close. A select few have prepared for the impending zombie apocalypse, which the government has openly stated will end mankind. The leader of the resistance, Donny Norris, states: "With proper, pre-planned stockpiles of food, ammunition, and knowledge of how to live off the land, mankind can survive. However, NHL fans? All hope seems doomed."  (Dave Murawski)
____ The Mayan Calendar predicted that on 12-21-12, there would be some really bad status updates about 12-21-12. Like this one. (Imraan Jussab)
____ I'd like to confess, before the world ends, that I don't really like anybody's status. Unless the Mayans were wrong. In which case, you're the best thing to ever happen to the Internet. (Danny Coleiro)
____ So what if I can't spell "Armagedon"? It's not the end of the world. (Les Chinyanga)
____ Does anyone know what time the world is ending on the 21st? That would be helpful information. (Lisa James)

EVEN MORE HOLIDAY SEASON STATUS UPDATES FROM MY READERS:

Tis the season to share the Holiday status updates my FACEBOOK FANS have shared:

____ As I scroll through my Facebook feed this holiday season, I find myself overcome with emotion and love. And then I remember I've had a lot of moonshine and I pass out on the floor. (My Status Is Baddest)
____ In my state it's not illegal to pepper spray someone on your property. Christmas carolers and UPS men be forewarned. (Thomas Christopher)
____ All I want for Christmas is for my family is to stop wanting for Christmas. (Norm Butler)
____ On the 12th drink of Christmas, I was drunk. (Lisa James)
____ This year, for Christmas, I want my money back. (Danny Coleiro)
____ It's that time of year again when commercials remind me that I will never get a car with a damn bow on it. (Carrie Leigh)
____ "Glo-o-o-o-o-or, o-o-o-o-o, o-o-o-o-oooor-ia... x32" - someone who wasn't very creative when it came to writing lyrics for Christmas carols. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I am officially in the Christmas spirit...by which, I mean, I hate everyone and everything and drink copious amounts of booze and pass out a lot. (Bob Brittain)
____ I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I'll pop open the red and drink that. (Ruth Mcconnachie)
____ For the sake of equality, I'm making snowboobs instead of snowballs this year. (Danny Coleiro)
____ So when someone asks you "Where is your Christmas Spirit?" are you supposed to point out your liquor cabinet? (Lori Anne)
____ Can't wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer. (Sara Lavoie)
____ "I know this time of year we concentrate on the North Pole, but my South Pole could really use some of your attention" - from my collection of failed Christmas pickup lines (Jack Olivar)
____ If you see me at the store and I'm wearing a big puffy coat zipped all the way up and I'm acting all anxious and shifty-eyed, don't strike up a conversation with me. I just got your Christmas gift. You don't want to be an accessory. (Dorraj Koob)
____ Does anyone know what a 'Fa Call' is? Because that's what my wife said she got me for Christmas this year. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Do you like real ones or fake ones? HEY! I was talking about Christmas trees, you pervert! (Dotty Joyner)

FACEBOOK, STOP BEING SO NOSY.

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES THAT WILL GET LIKES:

____ I hate going to elementary school concerts. I can never find a designated driver. (Connie Day)
____ Let's run away together.. Lol jk, I have asthma. (Leesie Boo Broadnax)
____ Well stranger lady, your first mistake was liking my post. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ I'm in a public bathroom stall and this little kid peeks under the door while I'm peeing, and everyone laughs and thinks it's so cute...but I do it, and they call security. WTF. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ I'm going to rewrite history. History. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ You made me so upset. I'm not texting to you anymore. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I know I'm not the only one who uses empty xmas wrapping tubes to bonk someone over the head. (Snuffle Real Loudiguess)
____ The Lottery's "Hey, You Never Know" slogan also works for genital warts. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ If you spend more time admiring your own posts then you do reading everyone else's, you're self absorbed. If you do the opposite, you're a stalker... Makes sense. (Mandeh Moo)
____ Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskksdhfousg. THIS IS KELLY'S HUSBAND, SHE HAS TO GO NOW, KELLY SAYS GOODNIGHT. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I had Ants in my Pants until they all died in a horrible fire...because I lied :-( (Eric Caro)
____ Remember, kids: If you ever catch on fire 1) Open the door 2) Get on the floor 3) Everybody walk the dinosaur. (Mike Seriously)
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____ My Rice Krispies tell me to do some weird shit, so I let vodka make a lot of the decisions. (Rita Filakia)
____ I no longer bring women home because my dad stabs them with a knife to make sure they're not inflatable...and then I have to buy a new one. (Mike Seriously)
____ I stand up for what I believe in, which makes believing in sitting down really hard to do. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I don't know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I f***ing guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook. (Mike Seriously)
____ It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it. (Jack Olivar)
____ You know how you shine a laser on the floor and make your dog run into stuff? I was running through the house pointing the laser for the dog and I ran straight into the wall and damn near knocked myself out. The laser is no longer funny. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I woke up this morning from a dream I was swimming in a river of orange soda, then I realized it really was a Fanta sea. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Honey...your 10 lb makeup bag tells me all I need to know about your fake ass personality. (Toni Daniels)
____ Don't quote me on this... but I was told a secret that people who say, "Don't quote me on this" are the same people who can't keep a secret. (Jack Wagon)
____ I like to play this drinking game where I take a shot at every red light and this is why I'm not allowed to adopt children. (Mike Seriously)
____ I dont have a police record but I think I have a Sting cassette tape somewhere (Mys ter E)
____ Scroll down for the most hilarious post ever...
.
.
.
.
.
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. Scroll back up for the biggest lie ever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "Eat shit and die" ~ every fly's bucket list, probably. (Jack Olivar)

NEED TO BORROW A FEW SMART STATUS UPDATES IN ORDER TO APPEAR HILARIOUS ON FACEBOOK? I HAVE 73-ISH.

Thanks to everyone who posts status updates on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. 13,700 people have chosen to take time out of their busy Facebook schedules to click the "LIKE" button.  It wouldn't survive without the funny people who share their status updates, expecting nothing but the warm, fuzzy feeling they receive when others "like" it.

____ Whenever I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I remember I'm allergic to peppermint and drop to the floor in a seizure. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place? (Jack Olivar)
____ There's no place like home, unless you're homeless, in which case everywhere is like home. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I was wondering about my genealogy so I traced my family tree. Leaf it to me to trace my roots only to find out I'm the sap. (Jack Olivar)
____ You can learn a lot about people just by hiding under their bed. For example, this one likes to scream a lot. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ I ALWAYS hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van :( (Mike Seriously)
____ Sometimes instead of "poking" you, I just press my finger against your profile pic and do that little coochie coo motion and whisper "girlfriend". (Tom Guntorius)
____ The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing. (Mike Seriously)
____ Today I met a lady who not only knew the meaning of 'meretricious', but also had a mean right-hook. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My credit report said, "Return everything you just bought, except for the hooker heels...you're going to need those." (Toni Daniels)
____ I lost my shirt in the stock market today...also I think my pants. I got a little drunk at lunch, and apparently now I'm banned or some crap. (Jack Olivar)
____ What good is it to be cool if you don't get to wear a sombrero? (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ It's almost that time of year where I don't have to feel weird about eating cookies shaped like people. (Sean Shipley)
____ My hand is stuck in a jar of salsa right now. I'm just gonna leave it in there. This is who I am now. I'm tired of fighting. (Nadja Bara)
____ What's the difference between a pencil and a strawberry? One's a fruit, you idiot. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I love my Tiara ! I don't give a f*ck what those jealous bitches in my spinning class say. (Chesty La Rue)
____ My hands are almost exactly as cold as my heart right now. (Lisa James)
____ Ho, Ho, Ho and a bottle of rum - How I do my Christmas shopping. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If a recipe has more than 5 ingredients in it, I'm not makin' it. Because, weed & lazy. (Toni Daniels)
____ The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener. (Lisa James)
____ Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you. (Mike Seriously)
____ The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Can someone help me with this? I wanted some homemade honey, but I don't know how many bees to put in this blender...so far it tastes horrible. (Jack Olivar)
____ It's just occurred to me that I have never actually seen anyone lick their lips in anticipation of a good meal. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I think tomorrow evening, I am going to drive down to the local emergency room and call the boss from there and tell him, "I can't come in tomorrow, I am in the emergency room right now." If I hang up fast enough, I think that would not be considered a lie and a pretty damned good excuse for not going into work. (Beau Diggity)
____ Don't tell me I don't know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm going for a run I'm back. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing I'd like to do is see what I could get for it on Craigslist. (Street Slim)
____ New children's book I'm working on: "Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak". (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I'm not trying to sound racist, but all baby ultrasound pictures look alike. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Whoever won the powerball, will be praying hard for the world to not end this December. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted! (Mustache Mann)
____ Fb, should stop suggesting me people I may know. Why would I wanna add the people I have taken money from? (Bate Mann)
____ I never make condescending jokes here. Mainly because you probably wouldn't get them. (Danny Coleiro)
____ RIP Jimi Hendrix. Just think, if you were alive today, you could get 1800 hits on YouTube doing a cover of Gangnam Style & watch music slowly die. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ I've got bags of confidence...or "cocaine" as it's better known. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I don't have a narcissistic bone in my smoking hot body. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I saved a ton of money on Christmas gifts this year. Thank You Mayans. (Mustache Mann)
____ My love life is best best described as a portion of microwaved lasagna: Steaming hot in some parts, inexplicably frozen in others (Eric Caro)
____ We played some great drinking games when I went to Africa this summer...like, "the last one to find water dies". (Rita Filakia)
____ I finally met someone that used the words, "Cray, Cray". Where do I put the body, my yard is full. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ If you were looking for me this morning? I was passed out on my neighbor's lawn trying to blend in with the deflated-blowup-Santa lawn ornament...(Amy Smith Wexler)
____ "To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right. To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left." - Where you can find the bodies in my storage unit. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)

____ I knew she was "Trouble" from the moment the announcer at the strip club introduced her as so. (Mustache Mann)
____ I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero. (Connie Day)
____ It's so cute when I see people show affection in public...but when I do it, they're like "Sir, please get your penis out of my arm pit." (Jack Wagon)
____ The makers of the 5hr energy drink need to start making a 5hr nap drink. Fair is fair. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits. (Tom Guntorius)
____ So this cop stopped me and asked for my license. I offered him a donut & said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed...Oh, and I got arrested. (Shabana Essack)
____ Oh sure the White House is allowed to have a kill list but as soon as I have one everyone's all "you have the right to remain silent". (Lisa James)
____ You know how, at a party, when people find out that you're a doctor, they start showing you their cuts and bruises and asking for advice? Well, I've been telling women that I'm a gynecologist and it doesn't work like that, apparently. (Danny Coleiro)
____ *finds four leaf clover* *buys lottery ticket* *wins lottery* *runs outside yelling in excitement* *gets struck by lightning* (Jack Wagon)
____ Listen, I’m a girl. So please don’t ask me what a transmission is because I don’t know anything about sports. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I taught my kids everything I know, which is why they're dumb as bricks. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I hate when you playfully give someone a wet willy and they act all surprised and grossed out. If you don't like that kinda thing, don't take so long at the ATM, lady! (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ If you say stuff like "Okeydoke!" when you put the car in drive, and "Alrighty!" when you put the car in park, you can just drop me off here. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ Is it too much to ask for an attractive, hot stalker? I mean, come on, seriously! (Chesty La Rue)
____ So did DMX ever find out where his dogs were? Did he put up posters or just write that song? (Jack Olivar)
____ We were so poor when I was a kid my Dad used to go outside on Christmas Eve and shoot a rifle in the air and tell us Santa just committed suicide. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I'm like one of those Matryoshka dolls, once you get through all the layers I'm pretty much empty inside. (Jack Olivar)
____ I attempted a leap of Faith today but accidentally kicked her in the head. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Driving by a hitchhiker holding their thumb up, thinking "Like". (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver. (Gerti Kola)
____ I just threw up my weekend. (Danny Coleiro)
____ 98% of all band-aids are used to cover up a child's melodramatic bullshit. (Rita Filakia)
____ My soulmate will be the first girl I see who rocks air drums to the "In the Air Tonight" solo. (Eric Caro)
____ I can't be the only guy who created a Facebook profile called "Death" and started friend requesting all the senior citizens on here, right? (Jack Olivar)
____ Say "cheese!" because I want you to look like a complete f***ing idiot in this picture. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ The first person that falls asleep at my parties doesn't get written on or their hand in warm water. They get the phone numbers of their girlfriend and ex-girlfriend switched in their cell phone. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ A good sled can cost up to $300, but you can get one for under $100 if you're willing toboggan. (Randy Masters)
____ My parents always said I was a gifted child. Turns out they meant someone left me on their doorstep in a box. (Mys ter E)
____ Sprint is starting to treat me like I have no shirt and no shoes. (Mike Seriously)
____ When push comes to shove, I start stabbing. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)

BRILLIANT THANKSGIVING FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

I was just thinking about the turkey I will consume today for Thanksgiving, which made me think about how turkeys gobble, which made me think of the word "gobbledygook" which I love because it means "nonsense", and then I thought of all of you and it made me really thankful that you've been a part of the remarkable nonsense that is my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. Have a Thanksgiving filled with gratefulness, but don't forget to add in some high jinks, too. Here are a few Thanksgiving status updates my fans shared:

____ The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Give spanks. Not thanks. (Lisa James)
____ Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends, and a Happy Ungrateful Bastards Day to everyone else. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Thanksgiving is the time of year when we all gather together and give thanks that we don't have to be around this bunch of assholes but once a year. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I'm making deviled eggs for Thanksgiving, because they say you are what you eat, and I'm full of wicked yokes. (Eric Caro)
____ So Thanksgiving is about being grateful, well I'm grateful for you bastards liking my posts. Does that count? (Sonia Lerma)
____ Isn't it ironic that a turkey goes gobble gobble, and on Thanksgiving that's what we do to them? (Dow Jones)
____ I'll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it's the only time their clothes look festive. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm kind of shocked turkeys live as long as they do with those pop-up timers lodged in their chests. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Wal-Mart said that the employee walk out on thanksgiving will not affect our shopping, since we are already used to waiting for an hour to check out. (Lisa James)
____ So I've always wondered...all those turkeys I see this time of year with pilgrim hats, were they like trying to fool the pilgrims, or were they cannibals, or what?
(Jack Olivar)
____ Mom says that if I'm a good girl & don't use my potty mouth.. I can sit at the big kid table this Thanksgiving. She's so silly. (Toni Daniels)

TWINKIE / HOSTESS FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

No more Twinkies really pissed my readers off.

____ Maybe Zombieland had it right when Woody Harrelson couldn't find those Twinkies. Now we know why. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Hostess is going out of business, so no more twinkies. In other news Kirstie Alley just commited suicide. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I'm going to get rich selling these Twinkies on eBay. (Lisa James)
____ Damn little Debbie, its her fault were losing Twinkie. I knew that broad was up to no good. (Sonia Lerma)
____ The guy at the tattoo shop laughed at me when I asked for a Twinkie tattoo on my dick last year. Who's laughing now? (Mys ter E)
____ Poor Colorado...they tell em they can smoke pot then take away Twinkies. For shame... (Stephanie Whitaker)
____ Thank goodness it was Twinkies and not Bacon... (Tom Guntorius)
____ So Jessica Simpson joins Weight Watchers and now Hostess goes out of business? Thanks a lot, bitch. (Mys ter E)
____ Oh....now I get it...all that crap in the Middle East is because they had inside information that Hostess was closing. No wonder they've been so pissed. (Jack Olivar)
____ Suck It Up Cupcake - The Hostess Union (Lisa James)
____ WHAT! 10 TO 20!! FOR SELLING HO HO'S ON THE BLACK MARKET?!!!! Whooooa, your honor, there has been a BIG misunderstanding here. (Donny Norris)

Like these? Join the madness on FACEBOOK for the best topical Facebook Status updates!

LOOKING FOR FUNNY SAYINGS TO USE AS YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE? HERE ARE 40 TO GET YOU STARTED:

My FACEBOOK FANS  posted an array of funny stuff in the last 8 days. Here's a sampling:

____ I couldn't get my fake scar tattoos off last night, so my roomate suggested alchohol. I drank a 12 pack and that STILL didn't help. (Lisa James)
____ You make a valid point, but there is a major flaw in your argument. You assume that I'm listening to you. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Christmas shopping done. I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads: "Sorry, the world was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!" (Donny Norris)
____ Take it from me, guys. The zoo is a really bad place to pick up cougars. I thought that one was flirting with me and now I'm missing most of a hand and bleeding a lot. (Jack Olivar)
____ If my girlfriend wakes up screaming from a nightmare, I like to pull the sheet over my face and whisper, "He's in the doorway..." (Mike Seriously)
____ "Just because it stretches...doesn't mean it fits" should be on the label of everything spandex. (Toni Daniels)
____ I want to go back in time. 30 minutes ago. When my 30 pack wasn't empty. Is it beer 30 yet/again? (Mustache Mann)
____ I swear my five-year-old son just repeats what he hears my wife say. Today, apparently, he's in a crap mood and on his period. (Danny Coleiro)
____ There's only one difference between when I see an ice cream truck or a police vehicle. The direction I run in. (King Julien)
____ Don't get pissed at me for drinking all your vodka. You were the one that said to make myself at home. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you can't beat them, make them hit themselves - because that shit's funny. (Lisa James)
____ If I have a problem, Yo! I'll solve it! Check out my radius while my compass revolves it. Math, math, Baby. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you are reading this it means we're now dating. Love you... (Chesty La Rue)
____ I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away...it tickles as I swallow it. (Jack Olivar)
____ I clicked my heels 3 times.. and I'm still at work. Whatthef*ck, Dorothy? (Toni Daniels)
____ I would like to say thank you to all the people here that make me laugh, but I am an a$$hole so I wont. (Mys ter E)
____ In case you are wondering how patient a person I am, I am standing here cursing at my soda to stop fizzing so I can finish pouring it. (Jack Olivar)
____ My daughter is at the age where she can start doing chores and suddenly this whole "having kids" thing makes a lot more sense. (Sean Shipley)
____ Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy. (Toni Daniels)
____ I wish I could go back in time, like the 50's...when girls didn't poop. (Jack Wagon)
____ If the first thing you see after you die is a handbasket, you're in trouble. (Randy Masters)
____ Due to the rising cost of ammunition, I will no longer be able to provide a Warning shot. Thanks for your understanding. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I must give proper respect and admiration to the ladies out there that realize that they don't have to dress slutty and talk dirty in order to attract a man. Good for you! Live your life with style and class. The rest of you, come with me. (Brandon Eaves)
____ Slaps count as human contact...right? (Donny Norris)
____ Every time I think my posts suck ... I just go read everyone else’s and then I feel much better. I'm kidding...I re-read my own, then throw myself into oncoming traffic. (Jack Wagon)
____ Men and women stalk differently. Men will drive by at night. Women will show up at your job and smash your stuff in front of everyone. (Mike Seriously)
____ Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I'd like to be one of those people that hands out water to passing runners at marathons. Except instead of water, it'd be confetti & as they poured it over their heads I'd scream "OMG! YOU WON!!!" Then we'd jump around & cheer & hug & by the time they realized the real race was over I'd have a new friend. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I never cease to amaze myself with just how below average I am. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status. (Shane M Aine)
____ Colorado just changed their state mascot from Cam the Ram to the Grateful Dead Dancing Bear. (Jack Wagon)
____ You can try all you like, but you'll never understand me. (I'm incoherent most of the time, and I have a tendency to mumble). (Danny Coleiro)
____ I didn't see one iPhone in Back to the Future Part II. I don't know what to believe in anymore. (Mike Seriously)
____ I don't know what all you parents are whining about. Getting my niece to shut up is easy, I just keep giving her cupcakes...oh look my sister is here to pick her up. (Jack Olivar)
____ O' Douls! 'Cause I don't wanna get drunk. I just want to smell that way. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ Give a man a fish & he has food for a day. Teach him how to fish, he'll go fishing for the weekends and you can spend them with your lover. (Nathan Drake)
____ If I caught my partner cheating I'd just walk straight out and never go back! Until I got tired and hungry. (Shabana Essack)
____ I just did a crossword puzzle cuz I was that desperate for sex. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole. (Ben Iz Bshop)

46 FUNNY, WITTY, CLEVER AND HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

____ Growing up, my mom forced me to eat greens. To this day I'm still banned from 37 golf courses. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Saw a girl with three lip-ring piercings on the subway this morning. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Autocorrect, I did NOT text "where do you lube?" You know very well I meant "where do you live?" (Stephanie Manera)
____ Mom: You failed your English test, didn't you? Kid: WHO TELLED YOU?! (Jessica Liberty)
____ So the other day, I bought a light bulb and gave it to my nephew to take it home. He stopped by his friend's place and I got home before him. That day I traveled faster than light. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ The world is $6 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to? (Hollywood Allan)
____ Days like today make me really wish they made Flintstone's Chewable Morphine. (Lisa James)
____ Just finished another Japanese novel. Like all the rest, it didn't make any goddamn sense. (Connie Day)
____ Support the United Zombie College Fund. Because A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste.™ (Brian Sullivan)
____ Somehow my 3 year old got to my phone so I snatched it away from her to see what she did to it. Turns out she looked up the lyrics to the song "Bad to the Bone" (Stephanie Manera)
____ I am not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Somewhere in an alternate universe, right now, at this instant, an accordion player is signing some hysterical chick's boob. (Donny Norris)
____ I hate when I'm put in a situation where I have to choose cause knowing me I'd choose d) All of the above. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I tried to add multiple relationships but apparently Facebook is a racist and against polygamy. (Lisa James)
____ I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools. (Jodi Ann)
____ You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you. (Sara Nicole Carlson)
____ I can't stand when my wife tells me to "grow up". Next time she does that, dude, I swear, I'm hopping on my Big Wheel and leaving that dookie head! (Dow Jones)
____ As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ It's pretty screwed up that you can't get a restraining order on someone just because they're 6... (Chesty La Rue)
____ I'm the most unreliable person I know. I still can't believe I was late for work tomorrow. (Nathan Drake)
____ You know those people who request a read receipt with their email? Let's kill them. (Donny Norris)
____ Hurricane Sandy...the worst thing to hit the Jersey shore since the Jersey Shore. (Mys ter E)
____ OH NO!!! My top shrank a little in the dryer. Ah what the hell, my boobs will stretch it out so I guess it'll be okay. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things. (Rita Filakia)
____ My "spirit animal" is Chester the Cheetah. (Eric Caro)
____ I want an application that can unfriend all the people who've been friends with me for over a year and have never liked or commented on any of my posts or messaged me. What's the point of having them? (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I'm so poor that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money. (LaDonna MsCarol Reed)
____ This post is just for you. (Donny Norris)
____ My girlfriend just told me she's pregnant! Just kidding. Blow up dolls can't get pregnant, or talk. :( (Nicholas Arulnathan)
____ Nothing better than tomato soup for lunch. And by "tomato soup" I mean a bloody mary. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ "Said No One Ever" -Says Everyone all the time... (Stacy Fournier)
____ After going through Kenny Rogers Greatest Hits, I have come upon the conclusion that Kenny Rogers has a limited number of hits. (Jeff Tessman)
____ They should make a show like Cash Cab called "Cat's Cab" where people get into a taxi and a cat is driving and all of these flashing lights go off, but instead of answering questions everyone dies because cats can't drive. (Jen Hollingsworth)
____ If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you. (Jack Olivar)
____ I bought an electronic cigarette today. I am not going to quit smoking. I just like the look on people's faces while I smoke it and pump gas. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ I woke up this morning and was immediately mad about something someone said a year ago. That's healthy right? (Sean Shipley)
____ Just opened an online Colonoscopy Clinic… all you need is a Webcam, some Astroglide and a Fire Poker. (Jack Wagon)
____ Why MSIB? Because, one day, when you think you're alone, you stumble upon this incredible underworld of misfits and realize that you're not. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Amazing... a really hot woman came up to me today and said "Hey, you're the guy who writes all those hilarious statuses on MSIB, right?" When I nodded, she asked me if they were all true stories. I admitted they were all made up. And then we enjoyed ten hours of passionate sex. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I threw a MY STATUS IS BADDEST party, it would just be a room full of people sitting in dark corners fighting over power outlets. (Jack Wagon)
____ Don't go over-analysing my statuses. If I made sense all the time I wouldn't need to be here so much. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I come to this page to read some hilarious jokes, escape the bs that is life and pretend I live in MSIB land...but some idiots still post their political crap here -_- Go. To. Hell. (Dmitriy Groesbeck)
____ Now that I have drunk my weight in alcohol, I can honestly say that I love you all and you are the best mates I've ever had. And and and I want a castle. And a pterodactyl. Because I love you guys. (Danny Coleiro)

Oh, and I wrote a few new status updates too:

____ Now that the election is over, I'd like to share some good news! Unfortunately, I can't think of anything because we are all going to die next month, and that's a bummer.
____ Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

That's the recap for this week. Don't use them all on the same day, come back often and stroke my ego  enjoy at your leisure.  Also, become a FAN ON FACEBOOK. Thanks for reading!

38 HALLOWEEN FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

My readers started preparing the Halloween Facebook Status updates early this year! I will continue to add to this list as they are posted on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. Thanks to all who contribute!


____ Halloween is the one and only time of the year that I don't judge what people look like at Walmart. (Jack Wagon)
____ A pinata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night. (Jack Wagon)
____ Some folks say if you go into a Halloween store late at night, you can see the ghosts of the Blockbuster employees who used to work there. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Halloween is the one time a year when you confuse your kids by having them accept candy from strangers. (Just Sage)
____ I don't wait for Halloween. I'm scary all year round. (Shabana Essack)
____ I had an awesome idea for decorating my yard for Halloween this year, but the county morgue said they couldn't release the bodies. (Beau Diggity)
____ If you think about it, Halloween isn't really that different than any other day, everyone's still pretending to be something they're not. (Connie Day)
____ Bet there'll be a lot of "ladies" waking up in the morning smelling of Vodka, face paint and regret... (Chesty La Rue, on the day after Halloween)
____ I was fired from my job as a meteorologist. Apparently it wasn't funny to dress up as a zombie on Halloween and just repeated say "Rainsssss, Rainsssss". (Jack Olivar)
____ Fun thing to do this Halloween...Insist on smelling their feet. (Donny Norris)
____ This year for Halloween, I will be dressed up as an ear of corn, saying something witty to someone in an insulting manner. It'll be A-MAIZE-ZING! (Dow Jones)
____ Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected...and he cried like a little kid. (Mark Andrews)
____ I think I'm going to pass out sticky notes with my best MSIB status updates to the kids for Halloween this year. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ For Halloween I am going to write "life" on a plain white t-shirt and offer lemons to strangers. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Halloween Costume idea: A zombie in a YOLO t-shirt. (Eric Caro)
____ My Halloween Milkshake brings all the boys and ghouls to the yard. (Jodi Ann)
____ You can get a lot of great Halloween costume ideas by watching the game show "Lets make a Deal". (Stephanie Manera)
____ Wanted: 20 good-looking women for elaborate Kama Sutra Halloween costume. Send photos. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For Halloween I'm going to dress up as Maury Povich, visit the hospital delivery room, and tell the guy he is not the father. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I'm going as a gong for Halloween. Maybe then I will finally get a chick to bang me. (Dow Jones)
____ This year for Halloween I will be passing out little 5 hour energy bottles. You're welcome. (Miguel Munoz)
____ I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string. (Donny Norris)
____ I bet that guy who offers free candy out of his van HATES Halloween. (Charles Fincher)
____ For Halloween, I think I will go as Scooby Doo and take off people's masks. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ This is a Halloween status. (Shafique Khatri)
____ This Halloween, I've decided to dress up as the scariest, most sadistic, angry, evil, heartless, remorseless monster I could think of. I'm going as my ex-wife. (Sean Shipley)
____ Every year it saddens me to see the staggering amount of toothless pumpkins and their deteriorating addiction to meth after Halloween. (Jack Wagon)
____ For Halloween this year I'm gonna wear an eye patch, a parrot on my shoulder and pee on all the teenagers...I'll be Aaargh Kelly. (Jack Olivar)
____ If this double chin doesn't count as a Halloween costume I am screwed. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ As Halloween approaches, I like to hang out at the grocery store and give the stink eye to people who buy anything but chocolate to hand out. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Step 1) give apples for Halloween. Step 2) wait for teenagers to T.P. your house. Step 3) collect T.P. from tree. I don't have to buy T.P. for the next 6 months. (Mo Ron)
____ This year for Halloween, I will be giving out Tide pods...tastes just like candy! (Laura L Carbonneau)
____ 6 bags of candy and not a single trick-or-treater. On a side note, can you die from a chocolate overdose? Asking for a friend... (Stacy Fournier)
____ I just put the "Boo" in "Booze"! Happy Halloween MSIB Family! (Jack Wagon)
____ This Halloween I'm gonna turn the lights off and pretend I'm not in. I don't give a damn, ships. My lighthouse...my rules. (Shafique Khatri)
____ "What do you mean they weren't real vampires? They all died when I rammed a stake through their hearts and beheaded them, didn't they?" - Me, every bloody Halloween. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious. (Donny Norris)
____ I have a great costume idea to scare people on Halloween. My birthday suit. (Manish Bhardwaj)

37 MORE STATUS UPDATES FROM MY READERS:

____ I'm going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I wonder if this gun is loa (Danny Coleiro)
____ A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that my old lady dropped them on the way from the dryer. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm really confused...what exactly is this magical "one trick" all ponies can do? (Jack Olivar)
____ My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can't drive a bus. (Mike Seriously)
____ I'd like to go back in time, to when I said "When I grow up, I wanna go to college, be an engineer or an Astronaut or a successful lawyer" and change it to: "When I grow up, I wanna barely graduate high school, start drinking and womanizing, get a factory job, get married, have two kids, get divorced and become addicted to something called Facebook." Just imagine the sense of accomplishment I would have right now. (Mustache Mann)
____ It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. (James Baud)
____ Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing? (OverDose)
____ Every once in awhile when I am walking with my family, I like to scream and take off running, just to see if they love me enough to follow. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ When I was young I used to flush pizza down the toilet, which pissed off my Dad, but made the Teenage Ninja Turtles pretty happy. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Ford F150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra. As a married man, these are the only pickup lines I am allowed to use. (Mys ter E)
____ If I ever put stuff in storage I'm going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars. (Warped Intentions)
____ It's pretty lame that blacking out doesn't mean that everyone else forgets too. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ Funny how three little words can brighten your mood. "Free drinks tonite." *wipes tear from eye* (Connie Day)
____ You wouldn't believe how long it took me to post this from my new Progresso phone can! :( (Jack Wagon)
____ The first 30 years of childhood are always hardest. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Apparently “You probably don’t hear this a lot, but I think you’re quite attractive” isn't a very good pickup line. (Sean Shipley)
____ Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Got in trouble for public urination. I guess you could say I was peenalyzed. (Lisa James)
____ I may not know what I'm doing, but at least I have no idea what's going on. (Chesty La Rue)
____ "I want a guy who treats me right, listens to me and makes me feel good. But until then, I'll keep dating a$$holes and complaining." – Women (Mike Seriously)
____ Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipshit" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry? (Jack Olivar)
____ Why is it that every time I walk down to the corner store at night I hear the song "Staying Alive" playing in the background? (Beau Diggity)
____ "Don't worry! I won't kill you!" is not a good pickup line when you meet a woman while jogging. (Susan Commerford Foisy)
____ I printed your status on toilet paper so I can wipe my ass with it. (Lisa James)
____ There's this cute girl staring at me from across the room! Silly me, it's a mirror. (Toni Daniels)
____ Could you Trojan® imagine if we Absolut® got free product McDonald's® just by Budweiser® mentioning them? I mean Nike® really!? Taco Bell® (Jack Wagon)
____ Where was I? No, I mean yesterday: where was I? Because I'm guessing these feathers came from somewhere. (Gail Pemberton)
____ You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise. (Jack Olivar)
____ "CONGRATULATIONS" to Snooki on giving birth to Danny DeVito. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Got pulled over today for "texting while driving". Stupid cop! I wasn't texting. I was playing Words With Friends. (Dottie Dunlap Mabry)
____ I may not have a Harley but I do have a stationary bicycle, a box fan, a leather vest and a washable tattoo, so...HELL YA! (Donny Norris)
____ Plumbers have the best job ever. At least it seems that way in the films I watch. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it's because she's a big dumb stinkyhead that's jealous of my awesome Transformers collection. (Sean Shipley)
____ The ridiculous situation when you discover that 31 of your Facebook friends share the same birthday and you only actually know 1 of them but there are three others that you converse with regularly and you don't feel like spending the time it will take to wish them all well so you decide to just pick the 4 out that you are the closest too but then you think, "OMG, what if the others notice and it hurts their feelings?!!", but then you think, "Hmmmm, isn't it kind of arrogant of you to think they would even notice?", then you begin to question your own character and opt to just type Happy B-day on all of their walls and spend the rest of your day searching your soul...(Donny Norris)
____ If one more person calls me dramatic, I swear to Christ I'm going to burn the world down. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Is there a job where you roll over and call in sick? I'd probably be really good at that job. (Jack Olivar)

Want more Facebook Status updates? Check out my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. It's hilarious and bizarre and awkward and magnificent. You'll be glad you did. Or, you'll run down the street screaming and clawing your eyes out afterwards.

46 STATUS UPDATES FOR FACEBOOK, COURTESY OF MY READERS:

____ I always wondered what it would be like to spend a day with Elvis. I bet everyone would stare. You know, cuz he's a corpse and all. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If you ever need nothing I am here for you. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Dear Coffee, I love you. What we shared this morning I will never forget. Sadly, I'm leaving you for someone else. Her name is Vodka, and my desire for her is strong. I'll be back tomorrow to beg for your forgiveness. Please be kind. Love, Me (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy. (Tom Guntorius)
____ It's really hard being a people person with all these restraining orders. (Mike Seriously)
____ Today's muffin top was brought to you by the fries & double cheeseburger I ate last night, and the letters "FML". (Stephanie Manera)
____ It’s depressing how kids these days never seem have cigarettes when I ask them for one. (Connie Day)
____ It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ People often regret telling me to make myself at home. (Status Monster)
____ If sober me won't do it...drunk me will. (Jack Wagon)
____ My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn't. (Sean Shipley)
____ Occasionally, I like to go the the supermarket, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier. (Chesty La Rue)
____ When I die, I want my tombstone to read: Here lies Matt Procella, he found a wrong way to eat a Reese's. (Matt Procella)
____ Judging you one status at a time. (Lisa James)
____ When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19. You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ You know when you're sitting at the movies and you reach over and take a sip out of the drink that belongs to the stranger sitting next to you? No? Oh. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ I should really get paid for all this free sarcasm I give away. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ Sometimes I wish my friends on Facebook were real. (Lisa James)
____ You would think they would at least have a curtain hanging up in this self checkout lane... well this is embarrassing! :( (Jack Wagon)
____ To the girl at Starbucks: stop piercing your face, you're screwing up the wifi in here. (Matt Procella)
____ NOoooOoo, I didn't say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it. (Mustache Mann)
____ Democrats and Republicans may not agree about politics, but they definitely agree about screwing you over. (Connie Day)
____ Some friends on my Facebook are like the people in the stock photos of the frames I buy at the store. I just don't know them :/ (Stephanie Manera)
____ I proofread my all my statuses to make sure I didn't any words out. (Gerti Kola)
____ I have a hot date tonight! Ok, I have a white van and some duct tape. WhateveR. (Mys ter E)
____ You still can resist yourself from reading this post two times. (Bate Mann)
____ There's something I need to get off my chest: Damn Cheetos crumbs...(Eric Caro)
____ I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle. (Susan Commerford Foisy)
____ Nevermind my cut finger or the black eye. The important thing is that the wine bottle is open. (Enrico Hartzenberg)
____ Everything was better in the good old days. For example, 5 days ago, it was Friday. (Gerti Kola)
____ I'm fluent at rejection in three languages. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm pretty sure PETA is probably still looking for the guy who coined the phrase "who let the cat out of the bag"? (Jack Olivar)
____ No honey, I don't "want to change you". I love YOU just the way YOU are, sweetie. Your mom will change that diaper when she gets home. (Mustache Mann)
____ Someday I'm going to trade in my "I'm stupid" t-shirt for the fancy "I'm with stupid" one. (Lisa James)
____ It's so hard, in today's world, to find someone who "gets me", so I have been truly blessed. His name's Frank, he's an aardvark, and he lives somewhere behind my frontal lobe. We sometimes start fires and laugh a lot. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you are not so happy with life, Come join us on Facebook. We'll make you forget you ever had one. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ They say that women forget about the ultimate pain of childbirth moments after its over. I leave one shoe on the floor five years ago, the wife stubs her toe, and I have heard about it ever since. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it. (Matt Procella)
____ Left-handed people are really impressive, doing all that stuff so well with the wrong hand. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I hate holding grudges. And babies. (Lisa James)
____ Looking for a woman who is like my mom in the kitchen and your mom in the bedroom. (Mys ter E)
____ Honey, do you have anything you'd like to say before football season starts? (Warped Intentions)
____ Sometimes I'll catch myself talking to myself when I'm alone and then we'll both laugh and laugh... (Chesty La Rue)
____ Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything. I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete idiots. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Is it just me or is CSI just like Scooby Doo but for old people? (Enrico Hartzenberg)

DEAR COFFEE,

28 NEW FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES AND BONUS FUNNY PICTURE:

____ I think I'm getting a sore throat. Time to go lick the bosses phone. (Lisa James)
____ ”and another thing!...” -Me, when I'm drunk. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ NO,I'M NOT DRUNK. I'M JUST TIRED FROM BEING UP ALL NIGHT DRINKING. (Erwin Charming)
____ I'll bet if it ever really rained cats and dogs, Bob Barker would be pissed because who's gonna neuter them all? (Jack Olivar)
____ Back in my day, you knew who your real friends were. Because they ranked you in order of importance on MySpace. (Michael Wenk)
____ Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie. (Rajat Behl)
____ Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!? (Donny Norris)
____ The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I find that some of the best status's are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici... (Chesty La Rue)
____ Everybody using ASAP... needs to calm the f*ck down! (Jack Wagon)
____ Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they’re dead. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Don’t mess with me. I know how to sit still for a tattoo. (OverDose)
____ The biggest book I ever wrote was the list of things I don’t give a %$&^ about (Adam Apple)
____ I love the Clorox bleach commercial where the kid says "Mommy, I went poo poo" and sh*t in the tub. We need more commercials like that. (Toni Daniels)
____ Sick of seeing pics of everyones food.  I am posting a few of mine on their walls. Post digestion. (Lisa James)
____ I changed my a$$hole neighbor's tire for him today...from "inflated and in fine-working condition" to "hacked to pieces with a hatchet". (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Life...it's just an "F" in lie. (Chesty La Rue)
____ At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ "If you can't beat them, join them". Then become their friend and when you build up trust, and they least expect it, beat the crap out of them then. (Dow Jones)
____ Do I miss being married? Sure, what could be better than being in a relationship with a female, bipolar version of Darth Vader? (Sean Shipley)
____ I've was reading a magazine in the waiting room at the doctor's office earlier. Apparently Posh Spice and David Beckham are now an item?! (Tom Guntorius)
____ It's raining here. Is it raining where you are? I love Facebook. (Jack Wagon)
____ Oooooh, It's SHARK week and NOT "shart" week...embarrassing :/ (Donny Norris)
____ Sometimes when I am filling up my car with gas, I like to take the antenna off the car challenge the person at the next pump over to a sword fight. (Beau Diggity)
____ Teaching your kids to swim isn't hard...You just throw them in the deep end and either they learn to swim or you get your social life back. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I've been using creamer in my coffee for years and I'm still single! Screw you Coffee-Mate! :( (Jack Wagon)
____ Today is going to be another exhausting day of judging people and pretending to listen. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I was just looking in the mirror this morning, thinking about who I was. I suppose you could say I was reflecting. (Jack Olivar)

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31 STATUS UPDATES + A PICTURE TO SHARE

____ I'm writing a new book. It's called "Fifty Shades of Shut The F*ck Up." (Angie Marie)
____ Oh, nothing. Just doing a little late night stalking. (Lisa James)
____ I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I was at the grocery store check out line reading the cover of People Magazine when it dawned on me...I'm naked. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I literally get 1/2 of my news from piecing together actual events based off of your Facebook statuses. (Lone Rider)
____ I was fighting with this guy over who's lazier. I let him win. (Mahesh Shroff)
____ Where should we drink lunch today? (Ray Cukui Hernandez)
____ I have learnt how to play various kinds of violins...you could say I'm violingual. (King Julien)
____ Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? Asking for a friend. (Jason Mykl Snyman)
____ I have been through the desert on a horse with no name. Ok, it had a name but I forgot it. (Mys ter E)
____ I'm not one to brag, but I could have been in this years Olympics if they had an event where you fall over things without spilling your beer. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ I say, "Watching gymnastics" because it's manlier than saying, "Watching hairless muscled men in spandex unitards compete for jewelry". (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn't that funny anyway. (Gary Hensley)

____ I can always tell when my boyfriend wants sex, he begins the conversation with "I was thinking about what you said and you're right." (Rita Filakia)
____ I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. "Nude beach" is my personal favorite. (Mustache Mann)
____ If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine. (Lisa James)
____ If I suddenly repost your whole timeline... It's either cause I'm drunk and bored or high and bored or both and bored, but never just bored OK? (Jack Wagon)
____ you can lead one to your status, but you cant make them "like". (Jessica Kennedy)
____ If you can't trust a bunch of random strangers on the Internet, who can you trust? (Matt Procella)
____ :-) :-( :-D :-| ;) ;^) :'-) :/ (-_-) - HEYY!!! Stop playing with my emoticons!! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Being a trampolinist is a career of ups and downs. (Hollywood Allan)
____ If people could hear the five seconds after we hit "end" on a call, we would all have no friends. (Frank Enstein)
____ I can't stand people who waste my time...because time is money, got my money on my mind all the time and the mind is a terrible thing to waste. Something like that. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Kids next door are having a water war, so I'm going to take my daughter's super soaker and fill it with vodka. They'll think they've won till I take out my lighter. (Amy Smith Wexler)
____ If I have ever made you laugh, I have done my job. If I have ever made you throw up in your mouth some, I have exceeded all expectations! (Beau Diggity)
____ They should play the national anthem of the bronze medalist too, but with an air horn/cowbell ensemble so they know their place. (Jacque Bourne-Hubbard)
____ Two words-----Febreeze Underwear. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ Sure…all you ladies have plans to change me, but as soon as I crap my pants suddenly no one wants the job?!?! (Jack Olivar)
____ My boss told me 85,000,000 times today that I really need to stop exaggerating. (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ I hate everyone. Sorry. I mean I hate waking up too early. (Sean Shipley)
____ Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can't make coffee. (Daniel Kilonzo)

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Drunk Mosquitoes.

45 FUNNY STATUS UPDATES FROM MY READERS:

____ I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it's just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I'm drunk. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ If I had a kid I'd name him Marbles. That way when I eventually misplaced him and I tell people I lost my Marbles, they'd think I was being funny instead of being a neglectful father. (Jack Olivar)
____ Dijon found himself spread upon a bed lettuce atop a thin slice of turkey breast...enveloped by steamy buns...garnished with a sweet, sweet pickle... ~Excerpt from my new book "50 SHADES OF GREY POUPON." (Donny Norris)
____ I always feel sorry for the person behind me at the bottle return line (Dave Murawski)
____ Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited. (King Julien)
____ My refrigerator stopped running. Quick, give me some kids phone numbers! (Lisa James)
____ I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn't post it. It needs some work. (Jack Olivar)
____ This strip mall isn't at all what I thought it was. Well, this is embarrassing. :( (Jack Wagon)
____ The old man was so drunk last night that when he walked across the dance floor to go the the restroom, he won a dance contest. (Quirky Sally)
____ Days when my underwear matches my outfit make me feel like I've really got it together. (Liz Barrand)
____ I don't like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really!? You think someone else might want one?! (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means. (Gary Hensley)
____ I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients? (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ Working in a crematorium is a sure-fire way to urn a living. (Jack Wagon)
____ My job at the nonstick bakeware factory isn't panning out. (Lisa James)
____ Goodmorning fellow friends. Today we're going to talk about Creativity. You see, creativity is...umm hold on a sec. Google is still loading. (Daniel Ngwane)
____ I hate people who can't make up their minds. I love them. (Chesty La Rue)
____ If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy. (Matt Procella)
____ Look up in the sky...It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a...oh wait...it's a plane. (King Julien)
____ My nickname at work is "Why do you work here?" (Eric Caro)
____ Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. Its just a picture book with women bitching. (Lisa James)
____ When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.(Hollywood Allan)
____ Time heals all wounds...unless it's infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm listening to Slayer while doing dishes for 8 dollars an hour. I don't think there really needs to be a suicide note. (Matt Procella)
____ i just rocked down to Electric avenue, and then I took it higher. I am now awaiting further instructions. (Brad Smith)
____ I love it when my daughter says "Daddy, Daddy! I went potty all by myself! But then hate it when she holds out her hand and says "See!?" :( (Jack Wagon)
____ Guess who's got an amazing sense of direction? That's right ─────> (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I'm a kleptomaniac. It's ok though, I'm taking something for it. (Rajat Behl)
____ My son needed a Bone Marrow transplant & we found a perfect match in Argentina. The operation took place & was a great success. My thanks go out to Diego, Marrow Donor. (King Julien)
____ I'm done poking you guys. I just can't handle the abandonment when I poke and you disappear. :( (Toni Daniels)
____ This morning I was speaking with President Obama over the phone telling him how much I love to make up stories to post on MSIB. (King Julien)
____ Listen up people, don't ever let anyone push you around. Unless you are in a wagon, because that is fun as hell...especially drunk. (Jack Olivar)
____ What if you took a drug in another reality, and this whole life is the high? (Chesty La Rue)
____ I just got a Booty Call from Life. Apparently it still wants to keep screwing me. (Enrico Hartzenberg)
____ I have so much sand in my ass from the beach I have already made four little fartcastles on the floor. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ Jeez, drive into the hood with a tow truck and everyone runs to their cars. (Dave Murawski)
____ What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess. (King Julien)
____ I changed all the clocks to 5:00 and my boss is still a douche.(Lisa James)
____ Shaved head, pierced tongue and bisexual at 11 years old? I think it's time for Willow Smith to move with her auntie and uncle in Bel Air. (Tico Bethea)
____ My Neighbor doesn't think it's funny that I put his name on the sex offenders list and then put a trail of skittles from the park to his door. (Connie Day)
____ I was doing shadow puppets for my kid on my porch. All of a sudden five thugs beat the living crap out of me. Aparently the double crocodile is a bad gang sign. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ "Siri...find my weed!" (Toni Daniels)
____ It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.(Hollywood Allan)

17 FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FOR YOU TO USE. YOU'RE WELCOME.

____ Hey, person I went to high school with: If your Facebook friend request is more communication than we had in high school, the answer is no. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ The first rule of foot up your ass club is stfu. (Lisa James)
____ "My nickname is "Snooze" because I get hit on a lot!" - A really funny joke between me and my tenth margarita, as I sit here drinking alone. (Mya Sisnice)
____ All this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist. (Jack Olivar)
____ When I die I want my gravestone to say, "Don't just stand there, water my flowers!!" (Donna Scott)
____ What is wrong with me!!!? Asking for a friend. (Eric Caro)
____ Roses are red and violets are blue, which makes "violet" a really stupid name for them. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop. (Lisa James)
____ I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past. It's partly why I became a bus driver. (King Julien)
____ Siri never talks to me. Probably because I don't have an iPhone 4.  (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING A PSYCHIC HOTLINE IF YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHERE MY OTHER SHOE IS?!? (Brian Vicenti)
____ Apparently, 3.1 out of 8.4 people overcomplicate things. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I've been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house. (Jack Olivar)
____ Swallowing goldfish crackers with spaghetti noodles tied around them is the closest I'm going to get to fishing. So if you'll excuse me, I have a bottle of vodka to slam. The seas are about to get rough! (Jack Wagon)
____ I like to see things from others' perspective, but they don't appriciate me pushing them from their spot or climbing the top of their heads to see what they see. Mean people! (Slinky Shrupti)
____ Cat picture. Car picture. Stupid update. Cat picture.Food picture.Cat picture. Emotional rant. Cat picture. Emotional rant about a cat. Cat picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Cat picture. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?! (Donny Norris)
____ There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them. (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)

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Proposed Facebook Buttons:

50 SMART, SARCASTIC AND FUN STATUS UPDATES

Repost from 6/24/11:

People who visit my blog regularly know that the Facebook status updates that my readers post are not your typical status updates. They are so, so much better. It only took me 62 hours to scroll through the past few days on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE to grab my favorites, so thanks to all who are contributing to the slow demise of my social life. Here are the first 43:

____ is hungry enough that my stomach sounds like Morse code for wanting a double bacon cheeseburger. (Nobo Dy)
____ Just going through my old FB statuses & deleting the ones no one liked so I don't look lame. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it. (Cody Sanders)
____ The awkward moment when you get in the van and there's no candy. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth. (William Hale)
____ The difference between my ex and a catfish is that one is a bottom feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ If your neighbors seem like the "nicest, quietest, friendliest" people, they probably have kidnapped humans in their basement zoo. (Jenni More)
____ honestly thinks that women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports. (Harish Agrawal)
____ is not as random as you think I salad. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music. (TaLeighea Iaintelin)
____ wishes the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract. (Jacob Grant)
____ Never trust a quiet toddler. (Linda Carey)
____ Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to wear khakis & a red polo, then head to Target and pretend to work there. (Nobo Dy)
____ My boss just ticked me off. How sad is it that my immediate revenge thought was: "Oh yeah, I'll just waste more company time on Facebook!" (Jacob Grant)
____ Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one." (Snehal Nakade)
____ if someone tells you you're their "everything", you should expect to be murdered at some point. (Jenni More)
____ Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up. (Snehal Nakade)
____ Hey, I found your nose! It was in my business again. (Stacey Alsky)
____ Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds. (David McNamara)
____ When I grow up, I want to be a kid. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert. (Jason Fundora)
____ tapes microwave popcorn to the ceiling because it's cheaper than a smoke alarm. (Nobo Dy)
____ If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies." (Nobo Dy)
____ You know that whole walking-away-in-slow-motion thing that heroes do in movies when something is exploding? I tried that today. Really wish I hadn't. Really, really wish I hadn't. (Jacob Grant)
____ hates it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it. (Oren Dee)
____ tried giving my boss a compliment today. Apparently "You have a great witch's cackle" isn't a compliment. (Jacob Grant)
____ was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one. (Nobo Dy)
____ Jiffy Lube’s motto should be “it’s always more than just an oil change” (Karen Vanselow)
____ went to the store to get "Where's Waldo?" but couldn't find it. Well played, Waldo. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)

____ How does Wile E. Coyote afford all those damn rockets?! (Sonia Gandhi Mojica)
____ This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions. (Nobo Dy)
____ thinks that your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers. (Sonia Gandhi Mojica)
____was bored, so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano." You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ Math questions are so stupid! They're like, "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?" Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?! (MrsFabulous Cervantes)


____ is licking the cake batter out of the bowl because I'm a fearless bitch who's not afraid of a little salmonella. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ How come Mario can smash through bricks, yet he dies when he touches a freakin turtle? (Jimi Anastasio)
____ If you see a plate of bacon running down the street screaming "HELP ME!" please return it to me. It's totally overreacting. (William Hale)
____ Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like meadows and rain drops? (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ As you're reading this, you should say to yourself, "Why am I talking to myself?" (Nobo Dy)
____ When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!" (Donna Young)

Thanks, everyone! Keep them coming!

23 FACEBOOK STATUSES YOU MAY STEAL

____ I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health.  The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk. (Jack Olivar)
____ My favorite shape is the vicious circle. (Lisa James)
____ The 3D version of the alphabet: A B C D D D E F ... (Adam Apple)
____ Note to self: Blaming the chair doesn't work when the fart was silent. (Donny Norris)
____ To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though. (Hollywood Allan)
____ If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too. We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first. (King Julien)
____ I'm beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ I hate when I forget my password... then have to waste 30 seconds of my life to reset it! (Jack Wagon)
____ I am going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, you can just tell them I'm outstanding. (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ That awkward moment when you compliment a guy's belt buckle...and I really hope that I don't have to explain why this is awkward. (Eric Caro)
____ I am going to concentrate on what's important in life. I'm going to strive everyday to be a kind and generous and loving person. After that I am going to sprout wings and fly to the moon. (Dottie Dunlap Mabry)
____ Its a funny sensation, holding a cold beer with your thighs while typing a Facebook status. (Dave Murawski)
____ My girlfriend told me to grow a pear...What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider? (Erek Beard)
____ I saw a sign today that almost made me piss myself. It said: "Bathrooms closed" (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ I have to confess, I'm so far out of the loop, I only get about half your jokes. (Quirky Sally)
____ 9 out of 10 doctors say that other doctor is a dumbsh*t. (Tom Guntorius)
____ My sleep number... is actually a very complex choreographed jazz hands routine. (Jack Wagon)
____ After witnessing a strip search at the police station I now understand why it's called a crack rock. (Donny Norris)
____ sometimes i wish that instead of a finger poking people it were a knife. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets. (Travis Wheat)
____ I dont need anyone to put me out of my misery, that's what booze is for. (Lisa James)
____ According to a recent study by the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people (Shafique Khatri)
____ Click "like" if you can see this status. (Eric Caro)

Snarky comments on Facebook

26 FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE, COMPLIMENTS OF A BUNCH OF FUNNY PEOPLE WHO POST ON MY FACEBOOK FAN PAGE:

____ I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP! (Mustache Mann)
____ These birds I have for sale are just flying off the shelves. (Lisa James)
____ I dont have an iPhone. I can barely afford aPhone (Mys ter E)
____ You know those little music boxes with the ballerina on top? You know when it's just sitting there and you didn't wind it up or nothing? You know when the little ballerina's back is turned to you? You know when the music box plays three sour notes just out of the blue and the little ballerina twists around to face you? Yeah, that's scary as hell. (Donny Norris)
____ I wish making friends didn't involve talking to strangers. (King Julien)
____ I was just totally swept off my feet by this guy at the bar. Well, not my feet exactly, but this bar stool. Ok, maybe not swept per se, but...Alright, fine! I fell off the bar stool while he was watching. Happy now? (Mya Sisnice)
____ The total confusion exhibited at four-way stops makes me wonder how much longer we'll be at the top of the food chain. (Sean Shipley)
____ Some dyslexic people don't know their bowels from their elbows. (Adam Apple)
____ It's okay when Daisy Duck walks around in high heels and with no pants on but when I do it people are all "this is a church, young lady." (Wendy Pickering)
____ There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house. (Eric Caro)
____ How do you say, "YOU'RE A DOUCHE-BAG" in YOUR language? Asking for a friend*.
*everyone that knows you. (Mustache Mann)
____ Okay guys, seriously, thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk. (Gary Hensley)
____ This status would have been original but I had to copy and paste the word "original" because my dumass can't spel. (Rick Gilstrap)
____ If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I am about to dig up that time capsule I buried as a kid. Can't wait to see how much my puppy grew! (Susan Evon Cross)
____ I always look around the bar to see what level of women are there before I decide what level of drunk I have to become. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ Just sitting here at Wal-Mart watching the pajama convention. (Ime Anass)
____ Of all of the things I miss the most, my wife says the toilet is the most annoying. (Mys ter E)
____ People with no talent/skills have really got it made. No one's ever asking them to help out with anything. (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ Putting icy hot on the door handles of the bathroom stalls makes for an interesting day. (Dave Murawski)
____ I added some bath salts to my weed and now I want to munchie your face off. (Lisa James)
____ Freaks come out at night. I should know. I went out last night. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Just got a stain on my shirt but it's ok because life is meaningless. (Adam Apple)
____ I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I love all of you on this page, except for those who don't have pet unicorns. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I've always wanted to be around when someone says pandemonium is breaking out because I love pandas. (Jack Olivar)

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25 FUNNY, WITTY, CLEVER AND HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

____ If that old woman who lived in a shoe lived in one of mine she would have slit her wrists shortly after moving in. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's ok. (Jack Wagon)
____ Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty. (Mustache Mann)
____ I don't want this status. You can have it. (Lisa James)
____ Sometimes I feel like people are just using me for my likes. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ My son graduated from high school yesterday. That means I can finally stop cutting up his food for him, right? (Toni Daniels)
____ I've always wanted to know how long "forever" was, and by looking at some people's Facebook relationships it appears to be around 2 to 4 weeks. (Chris Batchelor)
____ Brussel Sprouts are victims of cannibalistic, witch doctor cabbages...and that's why I refuse to eat them. (Donny Norris)
____ Sorry guys, I had to step away for a few days. It was my turn to be the lead singer of Journey. (Funni Cide)
____ To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really bitchy when I dropped my son off.(Todd Landon Wildig)


____ Roses are red, Violets are red, Shrubs are red, Trees are red, OMG! My yard is on fire! (Cedric Stanley)
____ F.Y.I.  a slice of bread does not substitute as toilet paper (Dave Murawski)
____ The last time I was asked out by a man, he was the bartender and I'd apparently "had enough". (Chesty La Rue)
____ I need to do a pregnancy test, but I'm worried that the questions are going to be too hard (Lamija Husic)
____ I'm on vacation......BUT MY LIVER IS WORKING OVERTIME!!! (Eric Caro)
____ Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days', they always seem to stop at 1973. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what? (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm just $999,999 away from being a millionaire! (Shonda MobWife White)
____ My coworker just spent 30 minutes talking about the deal she got on rubber bands. Ok, it may have only been 1 minute, but it took a good 29 to remove her spleen with a chainsaw. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I think it's so funny how my teen wants so much to post on my wall and let everyone know that I fart a lot when I'm at home but she can't cause I blocked her. Nice try.(Stephanie Manera)
____ Started belly dancing today. Didn't have to do much at all, just gave a little shake and belly danced all on its own.  (Donna Hudon)
____ I was going to tell you a joke about pizza. But nevermind, it's too cheesy. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I got 98.988 problems and rounding up is one of them. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ I don't get you women. Candles are romantic. Homemade gifts are romantic. How are these ear wax candles I just lit "killing the mood"? (Jack Olivar)
____ Fluffed Marshmallow flavored Vodka, WTF? I'm a grown up, so can I get vodka flavored vodka? PLEASE? (Carrie Leigh)
____ I ain't sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.(Christina Breazeale)