Saturday, February 25, 2012


____ Is it wrong to hate a certain RACE? I like 5k races but my team is starting 10k races which I don't like very much. (Basti Agustin)
____ There's a bloodmobile in town and I'll be going down tonight to donate a pint. They have some new guy in charge? His name is Dr. Acula or something like that. (Cary Conrad)
____ There is always that one person in gym class who thinks they're in the Olympics. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ One day, we will all live in the future. (Teresa Whitaker)
____ my wallet is like an onion, everytime i open it-- I cry. (Pamela Nichole DiGruccio)
____ I've noticed the drunker us women get, the more we want to sing song hits from the 80's (Shannon Seymour)
____ "I don't even have a glass." - a true pessimist. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you try to tell me why your candidate is the best, I switch parties regardless who you like just because I like to argue sometimes. (Beau Diggity)
____ Went to a fancy dress party as Humpty Dumpty last night. Got smashed. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Hates the terrifying moment when your cat or dog walks into the room, stares at something you can't see, and then runs away in a panic :/ (Gary Hensley)
____ I've been informed that Facebook plans to ban naughty language and near nude or rude photos in the near future. So as a test, ****, *****, Mother *****, Eat **** and Die! (Justin John Bernard)
____ Dora has taught me just enough Spanish, to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ Since starting my new 'hot cake' business, I have come to the conclusion that the expression "selling like hot cakes" doesn't mean what I thought it did. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door. (Cedric Stanley)
____ Am I the only one who has a ghost whispering in their ear that it's time to start drinking? (Jack Olivar)
____ I hate it when you use words that even Google can't find. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I think we all have that same look on our face when the neighbor catches us peeing in their backyard. (Cary Conrad)
____ Sometimes I shave one of my legs so that when i go to bed it feels like im sleeping next to a woman. (Clint Dempsey)
____ Have you ever womdered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack? (Eddie Olsen)
____ The wife said I dont agree with anything she says. I find that hard to believe. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I just saw a group of Nuns trying to figure out a parking meter, I know there's a joke in there somewhere but I'll have to get back to you. (Glenn Jamin)
____ When someone on my friend list pisses me off, I like to delete the hell out of them, and then request them as a friend again, send them a message saying: "I'm sorry, I have no idea how you got deleted." When they accept again, I delete the hell out of them again and send them a message saying; "bahahaha bahahaha!" That's the way I roll. (Dow Jones)
____ Damn, I'm hungry. Anybody have some spare bacon? I'll pay you on Tuesday for some bacon today. (Henry Andelmo)
____ I hate it when people use this space to talk about how they hate something. Like this post. This is exactly what I'm talking about! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm. (Clint Dempsey)
____ Damn, got up too late to go the gym again. That makes 12 years in a row now. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Sad Mustache Mann :-{( (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ Park and ride sucks, waddaya mean no beer on the bus? (Beau Diggity)
____ Sure...I'd be happy to not like that. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I like to log into Facebook and leave a status just to show I'm here. Or am I? (Juliet Rockspin)



____ I bet Superman has got lot of shirts with ruined buttons. (Shafique Khatri)
____ The Oscar buzz this year is around "The Artist," a silent movie. Not to be confused with "The Fartist," a silent but deadly movie. (William Hale)
____ I'm not racist! I can barely run 30 feet! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Dear Campbells: The first step to happiness sure as hell aint soup! (Lisa James)
____ You know how Facebook has been showing you notifications of "likes" and "comments", but you don't see them? That's just ME "liking" and "commenting" then deleting them. It's the little things that make my life complete. (Mustache Mann)
____ Dammit, that's the last time I open the fridge before knocking. Who knew there was a salad dressing? (Jack Olivar)
____ I have been drinking so much alcohol lately, a bottle of water is now opened only on special occasions. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ If Europe uses Euros, shouldn't Africa use Afros? (William Hale)
____ In the supermarket parking lot today I saw a runaway grocery cart bump into and total a smart car. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)

____ Don't let anyone's hate, negativity, ignorance or drama stop you from being the a$$hole you strive to be (Tom Guntorius)
____ Fluorescent colored clothing is coming back in style. Now how am I going to know who's gay? (Lisa James)
____ And, lo, The Lord sayeth unto them, "The checking of oneself shall prevent the wrecking of oneself." - Ice Cube 3:16 (William Hale)
____ Laugh and the world laughs with you, continue laughing and the world kind of trails off to silence, continue laughing further and they start looking at you with concern and backing away slowly. (Justin John Bernard)
____ I have a feeling that if you guys were my patients, I would have no problem getting you to take your pills. (Toni Daniels)
____ WANTED: SINGLE GIRL. Able To Cook, Love and has a Job, Must Have house & car. Please send picture of HOUSE & CAR. (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ Whenever someone has a problem with me I always tell them to write it down nicely on a piece of paper, fold it up really nice and neat, put it in an envelope, and shove it up their a$$. (Gary Hensley)
____ Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let's spend the night together" or am I reading too much into this? (Rhoda Noland)
____ I'd like to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years. (Gwen Masterson)
____ The best napkin in the world is my couch. (Adam Apple)
____ I have trouble falling asleep, so I wrap myself in my blankets like a burrito, but that only makes me hungry. So I get up for a snack. Then I wake up with my head resting on a bag of Funyuns, and I have no idea how I got there. And that's why I hate mornings. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ If you don't work and put, "Yay, it's Friday!" or "TGIF!" As your status update; I will find you and bitch slap you with the other end of my business arm. (Dow Jones)
____ Hair salons make me sad. I keep thinking of all the people who dyed there. (Juliet Rockspin)

Friday, February 17, 2012


I picked over 90 status updates to post from my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE today. And you all wonder why I get behind on the Fan postings! There were over 400 to pick one day! This is the funniest group of people on Facebook, in my incredibly important, yet biased, opinion. Thanks, guys.

First, here is the status update I wrote for the Fan page today:

____ hates it when I'm trying to Facebook stalk someone and I realize I have to scroll through 100 lame birthday wishes before I can get to their good stuff again. :(

Fan stuff:
____ It must be awkward for Ice-T to order iced tea without sounding like a douche. (Matt Procella)
____ Just so we're all clear, everyone here knows that when a doctor leaves the room he's just going to check WebMD, right? (Jack Olivar)
____ I told my a$$hole neighbor I could trust him about as far as I could throw him. So I threw him. Off a cliff. Guess I can trust him more than I thought. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Was wrongfully accused of stealing office supplies from work today, and got fired. Screw them. I'll just start my own business. Selling office supplies. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Boy! I really stuck my foot in my mouth this time! Really.....I'm pretty flexible. (Donny Norris)
____ "&" looks like a man dragging his ass across the floor. (Adam Apple)
____ I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning. As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!" I said, "Who the hell was that? Stop the car, son." (Hollywood Allan)
____ Once I spent 13 years without sex, drugs and alcohol. Then my dad threw me a 14th Birthday party (Adam Apple)
____ NOoooOoo.... I didn't say you WERE stupid..... I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it. (Mustache Mann)
____ When I'm in a restaurant and the waiter says "enjoy your meal" and I say "you too" I immediately grab a salad fork and stab him to death, cuz I'll be damned if I'M gonna look like an idiot. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ They say the first thing to go when you get older is your memory. That's sad. Anyway...did you know your memory is the first thing to go when you get older? (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I don't like it when people try to embarrass me. As if I need their help! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I feel like I need an archenemy, I have a lot of time on my hands and I think I'd be really good at plotting someone's demise. (Jack Olivar)
____ What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee you racist bastards! :) (William Hale)
____ Actual Text Convo:
Wife: Hey babe, what u wnt 4 supper.
Me: food
Wife: Ha!, what kind of food, silly.
Me: Let's go for edible this time.
Me: Ok, I'm really sorry and I love you. (Donny Norris)
____ I was just called a "walking HR complaint". Proud day for me. (Toni Daniels)
____ I just stopped two ladies from running their grocery carts into one another, so if anyone like needs an air traffic controller or something, call me. (Toni Daniels)
____ The only thing standing between you and your goals is the excuses you make up.....also your complete lack of talent and initiative probably has something to do with it. (Jack Olivar)
____ Look, you knew I was crazy before you got into the wheelbarrow... (Donny Norris)
____ There is a little deli across town that makes the best cheese steak po'boys you will ever taste and they serve them with these delicious curly fries and I am gonna eat this tuna fish sandwich my wife made me for lunch and I hate everybody. (Donny Norris)
____ Making cold calls to hospitals. Just to see who's dead. (Lisa James)
____ I had a near-life experience...I nearly quit Facebook. (Glenn Jamin)
____ I always wanted to be a detective or forensic expert but sadly now the only detective or forensic work I get to do is trying to find out which one of my kids spilled the juice on my beautiful sofa...and cleaning up the crime scene. (Stephanie Manera)
____ WoW! Your resume is SIX pages long! That is IMPRESSIVE. And going to take at least another minute of my time to shred. (Rae Broman)
____ When I get the facebook timline it's gonna look like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing! (Glenn Jamin)
____ So here I am in the Internet Cafe with this biggest damn bully I've ever seen reading every word I ty (Adam Apple)
____ I gotta go do a doodie.~ Me asking to be excused from a meeting. (Donny Norris)
____ My friends think I never listen to their opinions. Like I give a sh*t what they think. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "I bring nothing to the table" ~ a really bad waitress (Jack Olivar)
____ Mmmmmm! This biscuit I'm eating this morning tastes a lot like someone forgot to sprinkle powdered sugar on top and put sweet raspberry filling in the middle. (Dow Jones)
____ I remember as a kid, always beating my brother at tennis. But instead of a ball we used a frog. Looking back, I feel absolutely horrible now. I should have let my brother win a few games. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If I had to describe myself with 3 words they would be"I suck at math" (Eddie Olsen)
____ My computer just asked me if I would like to "continue unprotected". I like where this is going... (Steven Phipps)
____ Men only like skinny girls cause they are too weak to argue and salads are cheap. (Carrie Leigh)
____ If you still do NOT have the timeline, yet click "like". Just trying to see who else has avoided it. :) (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ How do I know if my check engine light is broken? Is there a check check engine light light?
(Matt Procella)
____ Dear Fork,
I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon (Hollywood Allan)

____ Motivational speech of the day: Life is a milkshake, suck it up! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Just did my taxes, guess what? I owe the government 1 kidney, my first born child and 3 million dollars. I hate these new tax laws. (Gwen Masterson)

Monday, February 13, 2012


This is part four of the most recent status updates posted on my FAN PAGE. Did you miss parts one, two and three? Go HERE, HERE and HERE. You're welcome.

____ Man, My imaginary friend just unfriended me on Facebook. (Donnie Howell)
____ I'm drinking in celebration of St. Patrick's Day. I know it's a long way away but it's never too early to get a head-start. (Tom Guntorius)
____ My body is a WonderBreadland. (Toni Daniels)
____ Both of my Facebook friends agree that I'm popular. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Can I legally kill someone now if they are still singing Christmas tunes? (Caleb Killion)
____ I think my mind just feels safer in the gutter. There's no place like home. (Melinda Morethantheusual Huffman)
____ I'm often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I'm still just warming up. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Real might is exercised in restraint and that is the only reason that I have not killed you with my mental powers. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm the OJ Simpson of getting the straw in a Capri Sun. (William Hale)
____ If you write a status about the amazing stuff you did while being soooo wasted, then you couldn't have been wasted because you remembered it, liar. (Juliet Rockspin)


Part Two is HERE, and Part One is HERE. This is Part Three. Any questions?

____ I think whoever writes the TV Guide should start a psychic hotline. That dude is spot on every time, eerie. (Donny Norris)
____ If you tell me you "heard it from a little birdie", I'm more likely to have you committed than believe anything you said. Birds don't talk, you loony bastard. (Jack Olivar)
____ My son had to poop, but the men's room was out of order, so I took him into the ladies room. They freaked out. I thought women would be more understanding. I mean, he's 21, but he's still my son! (Mustache Mann)
____ “Yoko Ono-she-dih’int!” -Real Housewives of The Beatles (William Hale)
____ I always punch the waitress right in the face so that my girlfriend knows she's the only one for me. (Matt Procella)
____ This is one of those nights where nothing is bacon any sense. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Someone just called me an attention whore, and I'm really sad about it. Heartbroken, in fact. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll just sit in my room and cry all night. Or kill myself. Not that anyone would miss me. Bye guys. Don't worry about me. It's better this way. I love you all...Killing my self now...Hello? (Danny Coleiro)
____ Apparently, when a friend asks you what you think her “stripper” name would be, ”Desperation” is NOT the answer she was hoping for. On an unrelated note: I have an open spot on my friend’s list. (Rae Broman)
____ Ok people, lets do this, please. If you are a man, curtsey to everyone you greet today (remember to gracefully hold the hem of your imaginary dress). If you are female, bow stiffly to everyone you greet (be sure to tip your imaginary hat to the males). DO IT. (Donny Norris)
____ I like being nostalgic cause that's how I rolled. (Gold Robo Dancer Guy)
____ Since I didn't drink this weekend my liver is stuttering and backfiring and very sad and confused. (Lisa James)
____ I don't need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!!! (Carrie Leigh)
____ Did you hear? They now make musical bras. Unfortunately, mine is an A flat. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. (Egg Head)
____ To HELL with Rogaine, they didn't like the slogan I pitched to them. It is genius. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTT HAIR! (Donny Norris)
____ "I'm locked up 24/7. I eat the same dry crap every meal. I have to put up with your whiny ass. And you wonder why I sh*t in your shoe. Jackass" ~Your cat (Jack Olivar)
____ Yoga is just very slow breakdancing for White people. (William Hale)
____ I think I'm gonna try this thing that I hear people talking about all the time...."leave the house." Later, peeps! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Today, I looked at the cover of a book and judged it. So don't tell me what I can and can't do, a$$hole. (Danny Coleiro)
____ A penis is like an elbow...preferred Not to be put on the table during dinner (Adam Apple)
____ I feel awful. I just ran over my neighbor. I have NO clue what he was doing on the sidewalk at this hour. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Poke me once, shame on you. Poke me twice, we're getting married and having kids! (Mustache Mann)
____ "I really should get up and do something." - Something I might say later. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Just so you know ladies, the imaginary relationships I'm having with all of you are going pretty well right now. Muahhhzzz (William Hale)
____ "Why is this wheel in my head still spinning?" -Pat SayJackDaniels (Lisa James)
____ I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass..... (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I'm pretty sure my spirit animal is an animal cracker, and it's trapped inside a box with other helpless animal crackers. (Jack Olivar)
____ "Manuscript" is probably the classiest place to hide the word "anus." (Mike Seriously)
____ You call it multiple personality disorder, I call it being mayor of the little town in my head. (Donny Norris)
____ I just spent 20 minutes winking back at a dude in the cafeteria before realizing that he was having a stroke. (Toni Daniels)
____ I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate bastard decided to bounce off my windshield (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Let's play a fun game. You roll these dice and I kick you in the face. Ready? Go! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Bored at a party? Go into the kitchen, turn the oven onto full blast, locate the canned food supply, place unopened cans in said oven, leave. That's what I just did, I'll be back tomorrow. (Mike Seriously)
____ Just picked out my fiancée's wedding ring. I have no idea how it got up my nose in the first place. (Hollywood Allan)
____ It's amazing how I can exchange 3, maybe 4 sentences with someone I first meet and decide that I want them to die a slow, agonizing death. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Has anyone joined that Blue Öyster Cult? Is it cool? (Jack Olivar)
____ I remember one time in Home Ec ..uh.. I mean ninja training.. (Donny Norris)
____ our shoulders touched in the street and you're still asking why am I proposing? Weirdo. (Adam Apple)
____ Oh man...I just opened a can of worms. My guess is that the expiration date on these baked beans probably passed a while ago. (Jack Olivar)
____ Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Let me do it. (Lisa James)
____ Can anyone help me cut down this tree? Axing for a friend. (William Hale)
____ To all the people who are reading this but pretending not to be here cause it's the weekend. Gotcha! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I've had this chip on my shoulder since I was a little kid. I wonder if it's still safe to eat? (Mustache Mann)
____ I seem to have lost my mind this morning. If you find it, can you please pick it up? I'd put on some gloves first if I were you's a dirty thing. (Jack Olivar)
____ I want to be the late bird. I dont care too much for worms and I don't like waking up so early :( (Stephanie Manera)
____ You'd think as many times as I've been up this creek I'd remember to bring a paddle! (Carrie Leigh)
____ That which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Unless that something cuts off my arms in the process, because that would probably make me weaker. (Jack Olivar)
____ The horticulture class I signed up for was just some stupid lady talking about gardening... :( (Donny Norris)
____ "Oh this guy looks great today..lets poop on him." ~ Pigeon. (Shafique Khatri)
____ You suck. You should fix that. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I'm changing my name to ¥. Not really sure what the fuck that is, but it looks pretty cool! My friends, however will call me "The facebook frequenter formerly know as Dow" and I will be like all pissed off and say "No mofos! I said to call me ¥" and they will be like, "We don't know how to pronounce ¥" (Dow Jones)
____ Anybody want some Hot Cross Buns? I'll be getting up off this chair in a minute, they are just about ready. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I'm not quite a Cougar, I'm more of a Puma (Melissa Davenport)
____ Chuck Norris can access Facebook from a phone booth. (Laurie Hicks)
____ My spell czech has never failed me (Adam Apple)
____ Can't wait for this weekend: Sex, naps, and rock'n'roll! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Do you love me enough that if I had no arms you would pick my wedgie for me? (Carrie Leigh)
____ Want a really flat stomach? Don't open your parachute. (William Hale)
____ I was trying to look all tough at the seafood restaurant but I didn't have the mussels. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I just saw what came out of me, so I highly doubt I am beautiful on the inside. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I've never been called sophisticated but then again I have never been called an uptight dickweed either. (Donny Norris)
____ Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. However, for less than a dollar a day you can help us dig a well in their village so that those poor children won't have to climb that hill daily. (Gary Hensley)
____ I drink vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning. (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I just drank someones old snapple. It tasted like crapple. (Lisa James)
____ A real man does NOT watch another man beat a woman or wait for the cops. He steps in and shows that man how it feels to get beat! PERIOD! (Mike Seriously)
____ Thou that poketh me still hath no mercy ye vile wretched wretches. Have not I resigned to defeat and bowed in humility before thee. Yet ye would rather continue to debase me and defile the rules of pokedom. I will break these chains of time constraints and poketh there with mighty pokes from a quiver that will never be depleted. I will be the victor and there will be no quarter and as you languish in a pokey hell ye shall remember my name. (Donny Norris)
____ Sometimes when I spin around and around in circles I feel dizzy and need to take a nap so yeah, I get dogs. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I never thought I would ever say these words but here it goes..."these words".(Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Procrastina - eh, I'll finish it later. (Lisa James)
____ Wanna see a magic trick? Alright, take off your clothes and pick a number between 68 and 70 . (Shafique Khatri)
____ I like my women like I like, uhh, I like my women like I like my uhmmm, ok, lets just say I just like my women like something and lets leave it as that. (Beau Diggity)
____ How to be a bouncer: 1) be an a$$hole. 2) stand near a door. (Jordana G-star)


This is part deux of the status updates I've liked on my FAN PAGE recently. Part one is HERE.

____ I love fair food! Candy apples, cotton candy, sausage-on-a-stick, those boil-in-a-bag goldfish... MMM! (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Have you ever had that moment where you start to post something, then you hit backspace a million times because you suddenly realize that you're going to publicly announce what a complete and utter dumbass you are? Yeah, a lot more people I know need to do that. (Jenni More)
____ Remember when we used to have innocent thoughts? Me neither. (Jody Walker Stratton)
____ I did some hard time...I logged out of my Facebook for a whole hour and a half. (Stephanie Manera)
____ My calculator is missing the minus button, but on the plus side it still works. (Fitzroy Røbèrts)
____ I jumped because mack daddy made me. (Juliet Rockspin)
____I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him. (Jeanie Erwee)
____ My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker...Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Its amazing how many bad decisions can be justified or explained away by just saying, "I was drunk" or "I was in love" Both of which impair good judgement, logic, and common sense. But if I had to choose, I'd choose drunk. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Me. (Needs somebody to like me.) (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I'm just gonna say one thing today: I will never shut up! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ This mornings poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm trying to think outside the box. Will somebody please let me out of this box?! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Two people who really hate each other can suddenly really like each other if they can find someone else they can both really hate together. (Egg Head)
____ Did you ever have a day that you wanted to simply click on start>shutdown>restart? (Beau Diggity)
____ Monday came in like a lion and went out like a little bitch. (Lisa James)
____ I decided to post all my statuses in capitals from now on. This one was posted in London. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Sometimes when I see people jogging outside, I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting "Eye of the Tiger" just to give them some motivation. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Chuck Norris was born May 6, 1945. The Nazis surrendered May 7, 1945. Coincidence? I think not. (Caleb Killion)
____ If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I wouldn't spend so much time on Facebook. (Chris Peacock)


If you came to my blog today looking for a bunch of one-liners that have been posted repeatedly on other websites, I apologize. You aren't going to find those. Instead, you will find a bunch of unique and truly clever Facebook status updates that were posted on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE by some seriously funny people. Thank you for making me laugh every single day. A lot.

____ I just wanted you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I've made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of you, but I've decided I need to spend more time with my family. So....see you after breakfast. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ At my funeral I'll be performing a "Weekend At Bernie's" style interperative dance to Ice, Ice, Baby so people can remember me in death as I was in life: Awesome. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ All I wanted was for somebody named Frank Lee to ask to borrow ten cents from me so I could say " Frank Lee my dear, I don't give a dime." Is that too much to ask? (Donny Norris)
____ My bucket list:
1. Buy bucket
2. Add ice
3. Add 12 beers
4. Sign into FB and drink. (Mustache Mann)
____ I asked my boyfriend if I was low maintenance and he either had a giggle attack or the worst case of hiccups I've ever seen :( (Lisa James)
____ Boobies are just fat being all sexy. (Jenni More)
____ I know how to kill you six different ways with a pork chop bone so don't take the last helping of macaroni.. (Donny Norris)
____ I was once bitten by a black widow. I suppose it was my fault for interupting the funeral (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I always sit in my bed and my computer on my knees and think to myself...I wish I'd bought a laptop instead. (Adam Apple)
____ I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Wonders why every time I swear in a status I lose another friend. F*#kers can't take a joke? (Juliet Rockspin)
____ So apparently after last night I found out my sleep number was 151....Bacardi 151 knocked my ass out. (Jack Olivar)
____ I put a booger on my finger before I "poke" you. (Mustache Mann)
____ Pardon me, Ma’am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up! (William Hale)
____ I remember once. True story. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ ...and that's how the tacos got on the roof. (Donny Norris)
____ Using the same theory as "fight fire with fire", I invented a bathroom air freshener that smells like sh*t...... (Mustache Mann)
____ I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as heck. (Donny Norris)
____ who is Frank and why does everyone want to be him? (Adam Apple)
____ It still takes me a while before I completely trust any woman whose name is mentioned in "Mambo No. 5". (Shafique Khatri)
____ I don't know who this Marty Graw person is, but he sure throws a hell of a party. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I'm like a well oiled machine that someone forgot to oil. (Matt Procella)
____ I hate when I'm trying to delete a message in Facebook and it's not going away fast enough and it keeps asking me stupid questions like [delete messages] then [delete all] then I click yes, then another window pops up [delete whole conversation] OH my fgod yes, yes..DELETE, you stupid son of a bitch, what are you trying to do? Get me in trouble?!! (Stephanie Manera)
____ Obviously medicine companies don't know what fruit tastes like. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Today is “Sunday” Post this on 10 people's walls and tomorrow will be “Monday”. Believe me it works…..(Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ "That Shit Crêpe" - Jay-Z and Kanye's new restaurant (William Hale)
____ You know what I HATE? People who answer their own questions. (Chris Peacock)
____ It's not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but should I be concerned that the highest number of 'likes' I've got tonight were all for status updates about my imminent death? (Danny Coleiro)
____ This chick at the bar said I'm not very good at small talk. I guess I need to brush up on my interesting midget facts. (Jack Olivar)
____ I wonder if any boots have ever been made for Christopher Walken (Melissa Davenport)
____ Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F**king sundae drivers... (Ann McClain)
____ I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering. (Lisa James)
____ I tried ironing's okay, I needed new clothes. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Monday peed on my weekend. (Lisa James)
____ I once killed a man with a squash. Ok I didn't kill him and it wasn't a squash but damn the details. (Donny Norris)
____ I was born with a special gift.. I attract douchebags. (Toni Daniels)
____ Bad: Waking up and finding a penis drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced. (Anthony Vierra)
____ Your smart phone belongs to an idiot. (Melissa Davenport)
____ Once a year I do this thing with my ex where I call her in the middle of the night, sing, "♪♫ I just called to say... (long pause).. SCREW YOU!!!" then hang up. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ If you never jumped from one couch to the other to save yourself from the lava then you didn't have a childhood (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ My wife has been giving me the silent treatment today. I just wish I knew what I did to upset her. So I can do it again when she starts to talk again. (Hollywood Allan)
____ So, it's bring your kid to work day.. good thing I just gave birth to this bottle of Jäger. (Toni Daniels)
____ "Haven't seen you in a while." ~My dignity. (Toni Daniels)
____ Well, I remember taking shots, trying to make bacon in the toaster, and then waking up in the yard! ~What I'll be saying tomorrow morning (Mike Seriously)
____ Getting my drink blouse. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness has never hired a hitman! (Jenna Withsweet Tatts)
____ When I yawn, I wonder if deaf people think I'm screaming... (Lawrence Pagan)
____ my computer beat me at chess AND kicked my ass at kickboxing (Adam Apple)
____ I like to give pigs red bull.......................Just to make a lot more things seem true. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I like those Birthday reminders on Facebook because occasionally they remind me of the friends I need to Delete. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Hand Sanitizer……because you might not be allowed to drink at work, but you can DAMN well smell like you have!! (Rae Broman)
____ All I wanna do is drink about 36 jello shots, eat a whole pizza and wake up the Jack in the Box parking lot wearing nothing but socks and a cape. Is that too much to ask??? (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ SWF, 38, bipolar, severe PMS and carpal tunnel, seeks SM, who owns a beer store and has access to unlimited prescription pills and chocolate. (Susan Evon Cross)
____ I went out to mow the lawn today and realized it was January and it was covered in snow, so I drank a ton of beer instead. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ You can tell you're a real John Wayne kind of man when it doesn't even matter what color bendy straw you use in your chocolate milk. (Gary Hensley)
____ I just started using the new time line on facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh*t. (Dow Jones)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


I love This is too funny not to share:

Saturday, February 4, 2012


Thursday, February 2, 2012


Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness.
____ Facebook is the most bizarre group therapy session I've ever attended.
____ "You should take a picture of that meal and share it with me and everyone you know on Facebook!" -No one, ever.
____ I know life is unfair because the people I really want to stalk on Facebook never update sh*t. (from my Facebook Fan Page)
____ Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare ass pops up on their screen.
____ Fun Facebook Game: Accept a friend request from a person you don't know. Then, under all of their photos, comment "I don't remember who you are." (from my FAN PAGE)
____ Ventriloquists would be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts.
____ I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
____ spends most of my day trying to pretend that I'm not addicted to my phone.
____ This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it's not, because morning sucks.

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