I picked over 90 status updates to post from my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE today. And you all wonder why I get behind on the Fan postings! There were over 400 to pick from...in one day! This is the funniest group of people on Facebook, in my incredibly important, yet biased, opinion. Thanks, guys.
First, here is the status update I wrote for the Fan page today:
____ hates it when I'm trying to Facebook stalk someone and I realize I have to scroll through 100 lame birthday wishes before I can get to their good stuff again. :(
Fan stuff:
____ It must be awkward for Ice-T to order iced tea without sounding like a douche. (Matt Procella)
____ Just so we're all clear, everyone here knows that when a doctor leaves the room he's just going to check WebMD, right? (Jack Olivar)
____ I told my a$$hole neighbor I could trust him about as far as I could throw him. So I threw him. Off a cliff. Guess I can trust him more than I thought. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Was wrongfully accused of stealing office supplies from work today, and got fired. Screw them. I'll just start my own business. Selling office supplies. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Boy! I really stuck my foot in my mouth this time! Really.....I'm pretty flexible. (Donny Norris)
____ "&" looks like a man dragging his ass across the floor. (Adam Apple)
____ I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning. As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!" I said, "Who the hell was that? Stop the car, son." (Hollywood Allan)
____ Once I spent 13 years without sex, drugs and alcohol. Then my dad threw me a 14th Birthday party (Adam Apple)
____ NOoooOoo.... I didn't say you WERE stupid..... I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it. (Mustache Mann)
____ When I'm in a restaurant and the waiter says "enjoy your meal" and I say "you too" I immediately grab a salad fork and stab him to death, cuz I'll be damned if I'M gonna look like an idiot. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ They say the first thing to go when you get older is your memory. That's sad. Anyway...did you know your memory is the first thing to go when you get older? (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I don't like it when people try to embarrass me. As if I need their help! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I feel like I need an archenemy, I have a lot of time on my hands and I think I'd be really good at plotting someone's demise. (Jack Olivar)
____ What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee you racist bastards! :) (William Hale)
____ Actual Text Convo:
Wife: Hey babe, what u wnt 4 supper.
Me: food
Wife: Ha!, what kind of food, silly.
Me: Let's go for edible this time.
...THIRTY MINUTES PASS...
Me: Ok, I'm really sorry and I love you. (Donny Norris)
____ I was just called a "walking HR complaint". Proud day for me. (Toni Daniels)
____ I just stopped two ladies from running their grocery carts into one another, so if anyone like needs an air traffic controller or something, call me. (Toni Daniels)
____ The only thing standing between you and your goals is the excuses you make up.....also your complete lack of talent and initiative probably has something to do with it. (Jack Olivar)
____ Look, you knew I was crazy before you got into the wheelbarrow... (Donny Norris)
____ There is a little deli across town that makes the best cheese steak po'boys you will ever taste and they serve them with these delicious curly fries and I am gonna eat this tuna fish sandwich my wife made me for lunch and I hate everybody. (Donny Norris)
____ Making cold calls to hospitals. Just to see who's dead. (Lisa James)
____ I had a near-life experience...I nearly quit Facebook. (Glenn Jamin)
____ I always wanted to be a detective or forensic expert but sadly now the only detective or forensic work I get to do is trying to find out which one of my kids spilled the juice on my beautiful sofa...and cleaning up the crime scene. (Stephanie Manera)
____ WoW! Your resume is SIX pages long! That is IMPRESSIVE. And going to take at least another minute of my time to shred. (Rae Broman)
____ When I get the facebook timline it's gonna look like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing! (Glenn Jamin)
____ So here I am in the Internet Cafe with this biggest damn bully I've ever seen reading every word I ty (Adam Apple)
____ I gotta go do a doodie.~ Me asking to be excused from a meeting. (Donny Norris)
____ My friends think I never listen to their opinions. Like I give a sh*t what they think. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "I bring nothing to the table" ~ a really bad waitress (Jack Olivar)
____ Mmmmmm! This biscuit I'm eating this morning tastes a lot like someone forgot to sprinkle powdered sugar on top and put sweet raspberry filling in the middle. (Dow Jones)
____ I remember as a kid, always beating my brother at tennis. But instead of a ball we used a frog. Looking back, I feel absolutely horrible now. I should have let my brother win a few games. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If I had to describe myself with 3 words they would be"I suck at math" (Eddie Olsen)
____ My computer just asked me if I would like to "continue unprotected". I like where this is going... (Steven Phipps)
____ Men only like skinny girls cause they are too weak to argue and salads are cheap. (Carrie Leigh)
____ If you still do NOT have the timeline, yet click "like". Just trying to see who else has avoided it. :) (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ How do I know if my check engine light is broken? Is there a check check engine light light?
(Matt Procella)
____ Dear Fork,
I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon (Hollywood Allan)
____ Motivational speech of the day: Life is a milkshake, suck it up! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Just did my taxes, guess what? I owe the government 1 kidney, my first born child and 3 million dollars. I hate these new tax laws. (Gwen Masterson)
____ I've been on MSIB for a few days now, made a few friendships, now I think it's time we take this relationship to the next level and you guys loan me some money. (Gwen Masterson)
____ I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!" (Glenn Jamin)
____ I think ADHD is just a bunch of hype, but I"ll let you know after I'm done playing a game of darts while I fold this laundry, and Oh! Look, I just found a shiny new penny, I'm thinking Regis is getting really old. Does anybody else wanna do handstands? (Juliet Rockspin)
____ "I know you've worked hard this year. Let me tell you, life is not so easy. Sometimes things may seem unjust. But don't give up. Just focus on working hard and with enough dedication and commitment and awewqei iojfisfjwoe fojoi asoijwo aswoir osiiowqi ooisio wwhquq ..." ~Me, watching in amazement as my manager turns into this gibberish-speaking a$$hole. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I thought it would be romantic to just sit and watch her sleep. Apparently my neighbor disagreed and now the police are on their way. (Jack Olivar)
____ I bought my ex a chair but the state won't let me plug it in. (Justin Sayson)
____ Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free? (Carrie Leigh)
____ It's funny how many beers my neighbors go through... when they're not home. (Mustache Mann)
____ I think my dentist has fillings for me... (Donny Norris)
____ One of you is my secret admirer. You just don't know it yet. (Jenni More)
____ The guy driving me home tonight hit Chivalry, then backed up and rolled over him again, then again and again. Yup, he's dead. (Melissa Davenport)
____ It's very hard to sleep alone. But I suppose I'm still glad I had the exorcism. (Jack Olivar)
____ Why the hell am I watching this crap again? Ah, that's right...because the remote is all the way over there. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I complained because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no legs. And then I complained anyway, because my feet really really hurt. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Auto-correct has got to be my worst enema. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I noticed your status only had one like and I felt really bad at first, then I realized it was a new record for you. Way to go champ! (Eddie Olsen)
____ Do you remember back in the day?.......... It was just a few hours ago. I was just wondering if some of you could remember that far back. (Tim Gauthier)
____ I refuse to eat any cured meats until I find out what they were cured of. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Double negatives are a no-no. (Ari Abalos)
____ Yesterday I was stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. I forgot to push the button. :-/ (Carrie Leigh)
____ If Thursday had an ass I would kick it into Friday. (Lisa James)
____ I learned how to ski on my face walking the dog today. Damn squirrels. (Carrie Higgins)
____ My ex and I have this cute little game we play where he asks me to make a promise and I NEVER keep it. (Rae Broman)
____ I am not a violent person. Except when I get mad and punch people in the face for no reason. Other than that I'm completely a non-violent person (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I feel like I should put "don't judge me" after all my Facebook posts lately. (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I'm sorry.. "ihave/noclue/what/imsaying..cannot be found, please check the spelling". (Tim Gauthier)
____ My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down." (Jeff Benton)
____ The next person that post about what they do in the bathroom is going on my sh!t list. (Eddie Olsen)
____ I just found the most gorgeous chandelier which I think will add class and sophistication when I hang it above the toilet. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I have over 800 Facebook Friends and I only like 3 of them. (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I just set up an interview with Men's Wearhouse for the Operations Mgr position. Would it be weird if I showed up early and got fitted for a new suit and then spun around from the mirror and said this? "Okay, I'm ready for my interview... I like the way I look!" (Glenn Jamin)
____ Sometimes I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!" (Sean Shipley)
____ Today, an employee of mine called off work. I'm pretty sure she's just hungover. Plus, I'm self-employed. (Courtney Realz)
____ I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I'll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go because I've put on, like, a hundred pounds. (Christina Breazeale)
____ Whenever I feel kinky I just get a massage until the kinks are gone. (Eddie Olsen)
____ Pirates like their women scurvy. (Courtney Realz)
____ Yelling "YOU MONSTER!" after someone farts in a public bathroom feels pretty great. (Matt Procella)
____ Well it's time for me to log off Facebook and MSIB and get some work done. Take care good friends. HA! WHO AM I KIDDING!? I DON'T HAVE A DAMN JOB! (Dow Jones)
____ So, uh, come here often? (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ It's funny how easily accidentally leaving just one vowel out of a status can make you sound like an Indian Chief from the movies. You know what mean? (Glenn Jamin)
____ I put the "snot" in Sonata...and got kicked out of the Hyundai dealership. (Jack Olivar)
____ I don't want to alarm you but you "might" be attacked by a monkey today. It could happen. (Donny Norris)
____ I don't like it when people try to embarrass me, as if I need their help! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Speed bumps? Challenge accepted. (Jen Hollingsworth)
____ I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet. (Egg Head)
____ I'm currently in the stages of planning my Friday morning hangover. (Melinda Morethantheusual Huffman)
____ I love a hot chick in a football jersey. Or a regular shirt. Or a dress. Or naked. Whatever, I'm easy. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I haven't been this happy since the time I found myself with an oversized purse at an all-you-can-eat dessert bar. (Jody Walker Stratton)
____ Trying to read my mind is pointless. What's in there is completely illegible. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes. (Eddie Olsen)
____ I was cruising around today when this guy driving a Chevy pick-up truck got all mad at me for cutting him off...on my tricycle. (Juliet Rockspin)
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