____ I bet Superman has got lot of shirts with ruined buttons. (Shafique Khatri)
____ The Oscar buzz this year is around "The Artist," a silent movie. Not to be confused with "The Fartist," a silent but deadly movie. (William Hale)
____ I'm not racist! I can barely run 30 feet! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Dear Campbells: The first step to happiness sure as hell aint soup! (Lisa James)
____ You know how Facebook has been showing you notifications of "likes" and "comments", but you don't see them? That's just ME "liking" and "commenting" then deleting them. It's the little things that make my life complete. (Mustache Mann)
____ Dammit, that's the last time I open the fridge before knocking. Who knew there was a salad dressing? (Jack Olivar)
____ I have been drinking so much alcohol lately, a bottle of water is now opened only on special occasions. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ If Europe uses Euros, shouldn't Africa use Afros? (William Hale)
____ In the supermarket parking lot today I saw a runaway grocery cart bump into and total a smart car. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Don't let anyone's hate, negativity, ignorance or drama stop you from being the a$$hole you strive to be (Tom Guntorius)
____ Fluorescent colored clothing is coming back in style. Now how am I going to know who's gay? (Lisa James)
____ And, lo, The Lord sayeth unto them, "The checking of oneself shall prevent the wrecking of oneself." - Ice Cube 3:16 (William Hale)
____ Laugh and the world laughs with you, continue laughing and the world kind of trails off to silence, continue laughing further and they start looking at you with concern and backing away slowly. (Justin John Bernard)
____ I have a feeling that if you guys were my patients, I would have no problem getting you to take your pills. (Toni Daniels)
____ WANTED: SINGLE GIRL. Able To Cook, Love and has a Job, Must Have house & car. Please send picture of HOUSE & CAR. (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ Whenever someone has a problem with me I always tell them to write it down nicely on a piece of paper, fold it up really nice and neat, put it in an envelope, and shove it up their a$$. (Gary Hensley)
____ Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let's spend the night together" or am I reading too much into this? (Rhoda Noland)
____ I'd like to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years. (Gwen Masterson)
____ The best napkin in the world is my couch. (Adam Apple)
____ I have trouble falling asleep, so I wrap myself in my blankets like a burrito, but that only makes me hungry. So I get up for a snack. Then I wake up with my head resting on a bag of Funyuns, and I have no idea how I got there. And that's why I hate mornings. (Juliet Rockspin)
Daniels)
____ If you don't work and put, "Yay, it's Friday!" or "TGIF!" As your status update; I will find you and bitch slap you with the other end of my business arm. (Dow Jones)
____ Hair salons make me sad. I keep thinking of all the people who dyed there. (Juliet Rockspin)
