If you came to my blog today looking for a bunch of one-liners that have been posted repeatedly on other websites, I apologize. You aren't going to find those. Instead, you will find a bunch of unique and truly clever Facebook status updates that were posted on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE by some seriously funny people. Thank you for making me laugh every single day. A lot.
____ I just wanted you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I've made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of you, but I've decided I need to spend more time with my family. So....see you after breakfast. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ At my funeral I'll be performing a "Weekend At Bernie's" style interperative dance to Ice, Ice, Baby so people can remember me in death as I was in life: Awesome. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ All I wanted was for somebody named Frank Lee to ask to borrow ten cents from me so I could say " Frank Lee my dear, I don't give a dime." Is that too much to ask? (Donny Norris)
____ My bucket list:
1. Buy bucket
2. Add ice
3. Add 12 beers
4. Sign into FB and drink. (Mustache Mann)
____ I asked my boyfriend if I was low maintenance and he either had a giggle attack or the worst case of hiccups I've ever seen :( (Lisa James)
____ Boobies are just fat being all sexy. (Jenni More)
____ I know how to kill you six different ways with a pork chop bone so don't take the last helping of macaroni.. (Donny Norris)
____ I was once bitten by a black widow. I suppose it was my fault for interupting the funeral (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I always sit in my bed and my computer on my knees and think to myself...I wish I'd bought a laptop instead. (Adam Apple)
____ I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Wonders why every time I swear in a status I lose another friend. F*#kers can't take a joke? (Juliet Rockspin)
____ So apparently after last night I found out my sleep number was 151....Bacardi 151 knocked my ass out. (Jack Olivar)
____ I put a booger on my finger before I "poke" you. (Mustache Mann)
____ Pardon me, Ma’am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up! (William Hale)
____ I remember once. True story. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ ...and that's how the tacos got on the roof. (Donny Norris)
____ Using the same theory as "fight fire with fire", I invented a bathroom air freshener that smells like sh*t...... (Mustache Mann)
____ I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as heck. (Donny Norris)
____ who is Frank and why does everyone want to be him? (Adam Apple)
____ It still takes me a while before I completely trust any woman whose name is mentioned in "Mambo No. 5". (Shafique Khatri)
____ I don't know who this Marty Graw person is, but he sure throws a hell of a party. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I'm like a well oiled machine that someone forgot to oil. (Matt Procella)
____ I hate when I'm trying to delete a message in Facebook and it's not going away fast enough and it keeps asking me stupid questions like [delete messages] then [delete all] then I click yes, then another window pops up [delete whole conversation] OH my fgod yes, yes..DELETE, you stupid son of a bitch, what are you trying to do? Get me in trouble?!! (Stephanie Manera)
____ Obviously medicine companies don't know what fruit tastes like. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Today is “Sunday” Post this on 10 people's walls and tomorrow will be “Monday”. Believe me it works…..(Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ "That Shit Crêpe" - Jay-Z and Kanye's new restaurant (William Hale)
____ You know what I HATE? People who answer their own questions. (Chris Peacock)
____ It's not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but should I be concerned that the highest number of 'likes' I've got tonight were all for status updates about my imminent death? (Danny Coleiro)
____ This chick at the bar said I'm not very good at small talk. I guess I need to brush up on my interesting midget facts. (Jack Olivar)
____ I wonder if any boots have ever been made for Christopher Walken (Melissa Davenport)
____ Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F**king sundae drivers... (Ann McClain)
____ I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering. (Lisa James)
____ I tried ironing today....it's okay, I needed new clothes. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Monday peed on my weekend. (Lisa James)
____ I once killed a man with a squash. Ok I didn't kill him and it wasn't a squash but damn the details. (Donny Norris)
____ I was born with a special gift.. I attract douchebags. (Toni Daniels)
____ Bad: Waking up and finding a penis drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced. (Anthony Vierra)
____ Your smart phone belongs to an idiot. (Melissa Davenport)
____ Once a year I do this thing with my ex where I call her in the middle of the night, sing, "♪♫ I just called to say... (long pause).. SCREW YOU!!!" then hang up. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ If you never jumped from one couch to the other to save yourself from the lava then you didn't have a childhood (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ My wife has been giving me the silent treatment today. I just wish I knew what I did to upset her. So I can do it again when she starts to talk again. (Hollywood Allan)
____ So, it's bring your kid to work day.. good thing I just gave birth to this bottle of Jäger. (Toni Daniels)
____ "Haven't seen you in a while." ~My dignity. (Toni Daniels)
____ Well, I remember taking shots, trying to make bacon in the toaster, and then waking up in the yard! ~What I'll be saying tomorrow morning (Mike Seriously)
____ Getting my drink on..........my blouse. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness has never hired a hitman! (Jenna Withsweet Tatts)
____ When I yawn, I wonder if deaf people think I'm screaming... (Lawrence Pagan)
____ my computer beat me at chess AND kicked my ass at kickboxing (Adam Apple)
____ I like to give pigs red bull.......................Just to make a lot more things seem true. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I like those Birthday reminders on Facebook because occasionally they remind me of the friends I need to Delete. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Hand Sanitizer……because you might not be allowed to drink at work, but you can DAMN well smell like you have!! (Rae Broman)
____ All I wanna do is drink about 36 jello shots, eat a whole pizza and wake up the Jack in the Box parking lot wearing nothing but socks and a cape. Is that too much to ask??? (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ SWF, 38, bipolar, severe PMS and carpal tunnel, seeks SM, who owns a beer store and has access to unlimited prescription pills and chocolate. (Susan Evon Cross)
____ I went out to mow the lawn today and realized it was January and it was covered in snow, so I drank a ton of beer instead. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ You can tell you're a real John Wayne kind of man when it doesn't even matter what color bendy straw you use in your chocolate milk. (Gary Hensley)
____ I just started using the new time line on facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh*t. (Dow Jones)
