Part Two is HERE, and Part One is HERE. This is Part Three. Any questions?
____ I think whoever writes the TV Guide should start a psychic hotline. That dude is spot on every time, eerie. (Donny Norris)
____ If you tell me you "heard it from a little birdie", I'm more likely to have you committed than believe anything you said. Birds don't talk, you loony bastard. (Jack Olivar)
____ My son had to poop, but the men's room was out of order, so I took him into the ladies room. They freaked out. I thought women would be more understanding. I mean, he's 21, but he's still my son! (Mustache Mann)
____ “Yoko Ono-she-dih’int!” -Real Housewives of The Beatles (William Hale)
____ I always punch the waitress right in the face so that my girlfriend knows she's the only one for me. (Matt Procella)
____ This is one of those nights where nothing is bacon any sense. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Someone just called me an attention whore, and I'm really sad about it. Heartbroken, in fact. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll just sit in my room and cry all night. Or kill myself. Not that anyone would miss me. Bye guys. Don't worry about me. It's better this way. I love you all...Killing my self now...Hello? (Danny Coleiro)
____ Apparently, when a friend asks you what you think her “stripper” name would be, ”Desperation” is NOT the answer she was hoping for. On an unrelated note: I have an open spot on my friend’s list. (Rae Broman)
____ Ok people, lets do this, please. If you are a man, curtsey to everyone you greet today (remember to gracefully hold the hem of your imaginary dress). If you are female, bow stiffly to everyone you greet (be sure to tip your imaginary hat to the males). DO IT. (Donny Norris)
____ I like being nostalgic cause that's how I rolled. (Gold Robo Dancer Guy)
____ Since I didn't drink this weekend my liver is stuttering and backfiring and very sad and confused. (Lisa James)
____ I don't need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!!! (Carrie Leigh)
____ Did you hear? They now make musical bras. Unfortunately, mine is an A flat. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. (Egg Head)
____ To HELL with Rogaine, they didn't like the slogan I pitched to them. It is genius. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTT HAIR! (Donny Norris)
____ "I'm locked up 24/7. I eat the same dry crap every meal. I have to put up with your whiny ass. And you wonder why I sh*t in your shoe. Jackass" ~Your cat (Jack Olivar)
____ Yoga is just very slow breakdancing for White people. (William Hale)
____ I think I'm gonna try this thing that I hear people talking about all the time...."leave the house." Later, peeps! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Today, I looked at the cover of a book and judged it. So don't tell me what I can and can't do, a$$hole. (Danny Coleiro)
____ A penis is like an elbow...preferred Not to be put on the table during dinner (Adam Apple)
____ I feel awful. I just ran over my neighbor. I have NO clue what he was doing on the sidewalk at this hour. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Poke me once, shame on you. Poke me twice, we're getting married and having kids! (Mustache Mann)
____ "I really should get up and do something." - Something I might say later. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Just so you know ladies, the imaginary relationships I'm having with all of you are going pretty well right now. Muahhhzzz (William Hale)
____ "Why is this wheel in my head still spinning?" -Pat SayJackDaniels (Lisa James)
____ I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass..... (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I'm pretty sure my spirit animal is an animal cracker, and it's trapped inside a box with other helpless animal crackers. (Jack Olivar)
____ "Manuscript" is probably the classiest place to hide the word "anus." (Mike Seriously)
____ You call it multiple personality disorder, I call it being mayor of the little town in my head. (Donny Norris)
____ I just spent 20 minutes winking back at a dude in the cafeteria before realizing that he was having a stroke. (Toni Daniels)
____ I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate bastard decided to bounce off my windshield (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Let's play a fun game. You roll these dice and I kick you in the face. Ready? Go! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Bored at a party? Go into the kitchen, turn the oven onto full blast, locate the canned food supply, place unopened cans in said oven, leave. That's what I just did, I'll be back tomorrow. (Mike Seriously)
____ Just picked out my fiancée's wedding ring. I have no idea how it got up my nose in the first place. (Hollywood Allan)
____ It's amazing how I can exchange 3, maybe 4 sentences with someone I first meet and decide that I want them to die a slow, agonizing death. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Has anyone joined that Blue Öyster Cult? Is it cool? (Jack Olivar)
____ I remember one time in Home Ec ..uh.. I mean ninja training.. (Donny Norris)
____ our shoulders touched in the street and you're still asking why am I proposing? Weirdo. (Adam Apple)
____ Oh man...I just opened a can of worms. My guess is that the expiration date on these baked beans probably passed a while ago. (Jack Olivar)
____ Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Let me do it. (Lisa James)
____ Can anyone help me cut down this tree? Axing for a friend. (William Hale)
____ To all the people who are reading this but pretending not to be here cause it's the weekend. Gotcha! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I've had this chip on my shoulder since I was a little kid. I wonder if it's still safe to eat? (Mustache Mann)
____ I seem to have lost my mind this morning. If you find it, can you please pick it up? I'd put on some gloves first if I were you though...it's a dirty thing. (Jack Olivar)
____ I want to be the late bird. I dont care too much for worms and I don't like waking up so early :( (Stephanie Manera)
____ You'd think as many times as I've been up this creek I'd remember to bring a paddle! (Carrie Leigh)
____ That which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Unless that something cuts off my arms in the process, because that would probably make me weaker. (Jack Olivar)
____ The horticulture class I signed up for was just some stupid lady talking about gardening... :( (Donny Norris)
____ "Oh this guy looks great today..lets poop on him." ~ Pigeon. (Shafique Khatri)
____ You suck. You should fix that. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I'm changing my name to ¥. Not really sure what the fuck that is, but it looks pretty cool! My friends, however will call me "The facebook frequenter formerly know as Dow" and I will be like all pissed off and say "No mofos! I said to call me ¥" and they will be like, "We don't know how to pronounce ¥" (Dow Jones)
____ Anybody want some Hot Cross Buns? I'll be getting up off this chair in a minute, they are just about ready. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I'm not quite a Cougar, I'm more of a Puma (Melissa Davenport)
____ Chuck Norris can access Facebook from a phone booth. (Laurie Hicks)
____ My spell czech has never failed me (Adam Apple)
____ Can't wait for this weekend: Sex, naps, and rock'n'roll! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Do you love me enough that if I had no arms you would pick my wedgie for me? (Carrie Leigh)
____ Want a really flat stomach? Don't open your parachute. (William Hale)
____ I was trying to look all tough at the seafood restaurant but I didn't have the mussels. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I just saw what came out of me, so I highly doubt I am beautiful on the inside. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I've never been called sophisticated but then again I have never been called an uptight dickweed either. (Donny Norris)
____ Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. However, for less than a dollar a day you can help us dig a well in their village so that those poor children won't have to climb that hill daily. (Gary Hensley)
____ I drink vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning. (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I just drank someones old snapple. It tasted like crapple. (Lisa James)
____ A real man does NOT watch another man beat a woman or wait for the cops. He steps in and shows that man how it feels to get beat! PERIOD! (Mike Seriously)
____ Thou that poketh me still hath no mercy ye vile wretched wretches. Have not I resigned to defeat and bowed in humility before thee. Yet ye would rather continue to debase me and defile the rules of pokedom. I will break these chains of time constraints and poketh there with mighty pokes from a quiver that will never be depleted. I will be the victor and there will be no quarter and as you languish in a pokey hell ye shall remember my name. (Donny Norris)
____ Sometimes when I spin around and around in circles I feel dizzy and need to take a nap so yeah, I get dogs. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I never thought I would ever say these words but here it goes..."these words".(Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Procrastina - eh, I'll finish it later. (Lisa James)
____ Wanna see a magic trick? Alright, take off your clothes and pick a number between 68 and 70 . (Shafique Khatri)
____ I like my women like I like, uhh, I like my women like I like my uhmmm, ok, lets just say I just like my women like something and lets leave it as that. (Beau Diggity)
____ How to be a bouncer: 1) be an a$$hole. 2) stand near a door. (Jordana G-star)
