Monday, February 13, 2012


This is part four of the most recent status updates posted on my FAN PAGE. Did you miss parts one, two and three? Go HERE, HERE and HERE. You're welcome.

____ Man, My imaginary friend just unfriended me on Facebook. (Donnie Howell)
____ I'm drinking in celebration of St. Patrick's Day. I know it's a long way away but it's never too early to get a head-start. (Tom Guntorius)
____ My body is a WonderBreadland. (Toni Daniels)
____ Both of my Facebook friends agree that I'm popular. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Can I legally kill someone now if they are still singing Christmas tunes? (Caleb Killion)
____ I think my mind just feels safer in the gutter. There's no place like home. (Melinda Morethantheusual Huffman)
____ I'm often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I'm still just warming up. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Real might is exercised in restraint and that is the only reason that I have not killed you with my mental powers. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm the OJ Simpson of getting the straw in a Capri Sun. (William Hale)
____ If you write a status about the amazing stuff you did while being soooo wasted, then you couldn't have been wasted because you remembered it, liar. (Juliet Rockspin)

____ I went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch today...Christ, that was a long drive. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If I gained a pound for every time I was called stupid I would have more than a thousand dollars. (Adam Apple)
____ This morning when I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still cold and homeless". We laughed and laughed....and then he stabbed me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Wish some people would stop being useless and start being beer. (Lisa James)
____ We live in a society where people will have sex with you quicker than they will give you their home phone number or address, you know cause you might be a weirdo... Smdh (Donny Norris)
____ The fact that I am officially SINGLE again says ONE thing: Liquor sales are about to skyrocket. Again. (Rae Broman)
____ You know those times when you just can't think of anything good to write, so you just post some crap? KNOCK IT OFF!!!!! (Mustache Mann)
____ I say, count your chickens before they hatch. If any die, just subtract those from the total. It's pretty simple. (Mike Seriously)
____ You know you had an awesome night when: you notice that you parked the car on the front porch...and you have NO clue who's car it is. :( (Mustache Mann)
____ I listen to what my body tells me. This morning I said "how about a 6 am toning/yoga class?" My body replied "don't even think about it, fat ass!" (Carrie Leigh)
____ Never trust a psychiatrist who can't spell "paranoid schizophrenia" right. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed. (Donny Norris)
____ If ONE more person posts something about bacon, I swear to GOD, I'm gonna go make some bacon. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Women can keep secrets. I'm sorry. Did I say women? I meant dead women. (Rajat Behl)
____ When are they gonna make the cereal commercial where the talking frosted mini wheats are screaming from being eaten alive? That just seems more realistic. (Sean Shipley)
____ Don't go broke trying to look rich. Act your wage! (Jenni More)
____ Give me your finger. No, I don't want to pull it. I'm putting out a cease and desist order on the Facebook pokes. (Lisa James)
____ I write comedy for smart people... that´s why I dont get some of my jokes. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ It appears I am lacking in originality today, so I need a topic. And by "topic" I mean another shot of Vodka. (Rae Broman)
____ you think you have it bad? When we were kids, we didn't have a phone to read in the bathroom. We were stuck reading the back of the toothpaste! (Lisa James)
____ My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, Especially since his name is Steve. (Mya Sisnice)
____ I have no clue where my pants are. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Things people post when they have nothing to say:
1. It is what it is
2. It's just not meant to be
3. Everything happens for a reason
4. Word
5. The f***ing weather (Mike Seriously)
____ I am writing this status for my son's eighteenth birthday. He's still four, but it'll be worth all the scrolling when the time comes. Happy birthday son! xx (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sometimes I just walk into the middle of a crowd and start dancing like the Peanuts Gang. (Donny Norris)
____ Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase at the airport. My opinion: They need a new dog. (Melinda Morethantheusual Huffman)
____ I can't wait for the timeline so I can figure out where I've been and what the hell I've been doing for the last year! (Mustache Mann)
____ I scream. You scream. We all scream when we find a body in the freezer. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Yes, Don Cornelius killed himself...but joking about it is SOOOOUL lame. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I don't depend on anyone else to support me. Except my bra. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Vampires aren't on FB because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror. (Mike Seriously)
____ Every restaurant menu needs the "Add bacon" option. I don't care what kind of food you're selling, just put it on there, you'll thank me later. (Jack Olivar)
____ Step 1: Wake Up
Step 2: Put On Skirt
Step 3: Make World My Bitch (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Only smart, good-looking people will "like" this status. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ No one at work will question the handful of pills you are swallowing if you just say that it's what keeps you from murdering them all. (Sean Shipley)
____ I like to fart on my son's head and then say, "Don’t cry son, Daddy’s just playing Call of Doody with you." (William Hale)
____ If you ever get pulled over, crap your pants before the cop gets to your car then tell him you have the stomach flu. Worked for me this morning. A very uncomfortable ride to work, but well worth it. (Toni Daniels)
____ I wish I had a pet Sasquatch so I could train it to kill people I didn't like and no one would know he did it cuz those things are stealthy. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ In the South we don't pay no attention to that stupid ground hog. We go out and look at the bush hog, if there is frost on it, it's still cold. Dammit. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear wise owl: How many sips does it take to get to the center of IDGAF? (Lisa James)
____ Is now in a complicated relationship with Siri (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I got BOMBED tonight and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I've been reading a book called '1,000 sexual positions'. I've reached position 176 and apparently from now on I'm going to need a woman. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Before I judge somebody for their posts not making any sense, I try to run amok in their shoes. (Mustache Mann)
____ I think I've figured out why people think I've got a superiority complex. It's because I'm better than them. (Danny Coleiro)
____  I love it when I find money in the pocket of someone else's jeans.  (Toni Daniels)
____ I dont understand why people don't like me. I do everything I can to piss them off.  (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I always wondered what it would be like to spend a day with Elvis. I bet everyone would know...cuz he's a corpse and all. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ APPARENTLY, the nurses I work with don't like it when I yell "COME BACK TO BED!" when they are talking to their significant others while working the night shift. (Eric Caro)
____If you're drunk most of the time but don't think you have a drinking problem, congratulations, you are drinking exactly the right amount. (Clint Dempsey)