Wednesday, March 28, 2012


____ Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME! (SamGirl Sunday)
____ if I don't spend any money on anything for the next 3 days...I still won't have any money. :((Lisa James)
____ My wife is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type. (Adam Apple)
____ If a tree falls in the woods, do the other trees make fun of it? (Lisa James)
____ Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Apparently, that HOT guy in my office doesn't realize I am going to CONTINUE giving him the silent treatment until he acknowledges my existence. (Rae Broman)
____ I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me. (William Hale)
____ 3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :( (James Baud)
____ I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store (Jack Olivar)
____ I bought a cake...I had a cake....I ate the cake. MYTH busted! (Mustache Mann)
____ Just got done spanking my monkey. HEY, it pooped on the floor! No real Monkeys were injured during the creation of this status. (Mustache Mann)
____ ♪♫All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom♫♪ ~ Hip Hop Terrorists maybe (Jack Olivar)
____ I tell people my ass is tight because I work out when in actuality it's from all the squatting in the woods. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I think Hotel California was written about Facebook. (Donny Norris)
____ Bon Jovi, everyone! ~ me on my first day in French class. (Egg Head)
____ Those celery sticks I had for breakfast tasted like a midlife crisis comes A LOT sooner when you drink a fifth every night. (Rae Broman)
____ Ever since I joined MSIB, my speed reading and scrolling abilities have improved. However, my comprehension and giving a sh*t remains the same! (Jack Wagon)
____ My coworker was so clumsy today. This morning he walked into my fist five times. (Adam Apple)
____ I hate when I go to a restaurant and I sit down and my waiter comes over and it's Grover. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I'm the fsatest tyyeper i9n the worsld. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ When a police officer asks for my insurance I explain that my plan will only cover him/her once we're legally wed. And that we belong together. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you've never farted in a cup then handed it to a friend asking them "does this smell funny to you?", you probably can't deal with me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Someone at work has been stealing my lunch from the refrigerator. Tomorrow, I'm bringing a cat food sandwich. BON APPETIT MOTHER F*CKER!!! (Eric Caro)
____ I was going to order that P90X workout video today when I thought, "baha.... hahahaha.... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I drank till she was pretty, but I ran out of beer before SHE could do the same. Now I sit. All alone. (Mustache Mann)
____ It's funny how Disney films sometimes have hidden subliminal messages. For example, play Cinderella in reverse and it's the story of a woman who learns her place. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I give the thumbs up ALL THE TIME. (If you replace thumbs with middle fingers) (Lisa James)
____ ever wondered how many weirdos have printed your profile pic, put it in their wallet, and gone around telling everyone you're their girlfriend? (Nikki Sholar)
____ Procrastination ...... I'll make a joke about it later. (David Gall)
____ Why does everybody assume that I play the banjo? I do but DANG! (Donny Norris)
____ I don't want a baby because they're way too lazy. (Lisa James)
____ I always go to work on my birthday... just for the free cake! (Jack Wagon)
____ I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline" (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I am looking forward to the 3D Titanic movie because I anticipate that that scene where the two young lovers are at the front of the ship pretending to fly will make for an awesome Kate Winslett boobie shot. (Donny Norris)
____ Today is one of those days where f*ck you. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A CHALLENGE! I just kinda sidestep and stroll off whistling with my hands in my pockets. (Donny Norris)
____ I’ve given the finger so many times today, I think it’s stuck in position. That means I'm all set for the rest of the week. :) (Toni Daniels)
____ I love my job as a stone rocks! (King Julien)
____ Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. (Hollywood Allan)
____ My best friend is Hilarious! (Well, her name's Hilary, and she's Greek) (Danny Coleiro)
____ I posted a joke on the wall at work and no one liked it. :( (Mys ter E)
____ I was sitting on the toilet when the girl in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I hate being Bipolar. It's great! (Hollywood Allan)
____ A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ My Optician told me in 8 years I'd have 2020 vision. (King Julien)
____ You can tell me it was curiosity but I have a feeling it was obesity that killed that fat ass cat. (Jack Olivar)
____ "Want to get a drink?" "Later" "How about now?" "Later.." "Now?" "Later.." "Now?" - If the Windows Auto Updates pop up was your friend. (James Baud)
____ FYI: No, I’m not feeling violent.... I’m feeling creative with weapons. (Sara Lavoie)
____ I think I'm gonna listen to my Seal CD on the way home. Ooooowwa Ooooowwa Ooooowwa!
I taped it at SeaWorld. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm kind of a hipster because I broke my hip way before osteoperosis set in. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I was going through customs at the airport and was asked if I had any drugs. Apparently "what do you need?" was the wrong answer. (Shafique Khatri)
____ My wife keeps nagging me to drive more slowly but I've put my foot down. (Tom Guntorius)
____ So the new Titanic 3D is out? Maybe they'll see the f*cking iceberg this time. (Tom Guntorius)
____ This is proof enough that I can function properly after only 4 hours of sleep. (Beau Diggity)
____ Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!? (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I wonder how many people sh*t in sh*ts creek? (Lisa James)
____ Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron. (Nikki Sholar)
____ after finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127. (Adam Apple)
____ Women don't poop, they hold it in and it comes out as drama. (Daniel Kilonzo))
____ These mushrooms look suspicious. I'd better eat ALL of them. (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ Waiting for my favorite day of the week... Weedsnesday. (Mignonette Pola Bukid)
____ Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze? (Quirky Sally)
____ I only have two rules 1) Never forget. and 2) .... Uhm... Dammit! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I have all the money I WILL EVER NEED - - - - if I die by 5:30pm today. (Sara Lavoie)
____ People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz. (Shafique Khatri)
____ The zoo is a safe place to fart. (Tex Hester)
____ Sometimes I post stuff for the funny comments (Mys ter E)
____ As I handed my mother her 50th birthday card, she said, "One would have done." (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ If a "g" falls in the woods, he would probably get all caught up in his gold chains and never make it out. (Lisa James)
____ "I wish I could answer phone calls with my Walkman" -Steve Jobs in the 80's. (James Baud)
____ My dad used to say "always fight fire with fire", which is probably why he got kicked out of the fire brigade. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ Today is my Tuesday. (Donny Norris)
____ "APRIL FOOLS!!!" - Mark Zuckerburg, about the new Timeline...probably not... (Eric Caro)
____ Who else here is a master baiter? Yeah, I enjoy fishing too. (Stephanie Manera)
____ There once was a fellow who was kinda mellow, He sat on his couch and facebooked. His wife didn't like it, took his Ipad and spiked it. Thank God he still has his nook. (Donny Norris)
____ NAKED LADY WALKING RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE OF 7TH!! And that's how I got the last 2 donuts. (Donny Norris)
____ Doctors advised Willie Nelson that having his deviated septum fixed would ruin his career... (Donny Norris)
____ My name is Daniel, not that anyone cares. (Daniel Ngwane)
____ What if I only want half the shebang? wtf. (Lisa James)
____ High mai naym is Miz.Speld. I'll bee yore teechur tooday. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I had a dream that I was the bottom of a vodka bottle. (Mys ter E)
____ Ok guys I just finished my lunch so now I'm off to work...on a new status idea! (King Julien)
____ Supervision. Not as cool as it sounds, huh? (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ I need a major attitude adjustment.. and I think I just found it in this bong. (Toni Daniels)
____ Sometimes, when I don't want anyone to talk to me, I stand on a busy street corner with a clip board. (Sean Shipley)
____ I'm pretty jealous of strippers because having their periods is a legitimate excuse to not come in to work. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth. (Wendy Whalen)
____ Me. Stalk? No,I just observe....behind a night.... In the rain. (David Gall)

Sunday, March 25, 2012


____ just realized that you can "like" that someone was born on the timeline. I found all my ex's and commented Boo! (Lisa James)
____ I was sitting here trying to collect my thoughts, then I realized I don't have any. (Mustache Mann)
____ Once upon a time... I had a life. The end. (Jack Wagon)
____ Someone really, really needs to tell Gramma this planking thing was just a fad. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ The person whose status is below mine is a Douchebag. Oh Crap! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Like this if you're asleep. (Adam Apple)
____ Some see the glass as half full, some as half empty. I just use shot glasses. Less complication and they're only either full or empty. No optimism or pessimism. (Carrie Leigh)
____ Are you trying to call me dyslexic you dirty piece of this? (King Julien)
____ I hate it when my "Cool Hand Luke" or Princess Bride" or "Holy Grail" or "Blues Brothers" or "The Jerk" references are lost on people :( Where are you from??? Mars? (Donny Norris)
____ The secret of enjoying a good wine is to open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth. (Carrie Leigh)
____ The person whose status is above mine is so Awesome!! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ What do you get the girl who has everything? A round of antibiotics is probably a good place to start. (Eric Caro)
____ Don't you hate when you buy a bag of air and you find some chips in it? (Adam Apple)
____ What used to take under 5 minutes to use the bathroom.. now takes no less than 20. Thank you, MSIB. (Toni Daniels)
____ You know you're a geek when you have an iPhone, an iPod, a PC, a laptop, a GPS system and a PDA but you'd swap them all for a working lightsaber. (James Baud)
____ I remember the feeling of invincibility and empowerment I felt as I marched into battle along side my friends to protect our turf. We were prepared to do battle with the encroaching enemy and were ready for anything except we didn't know that they had brought adults with them to do their dirty work so we ran our asses off and narrowly escaped. True Story (Donny Norris)
____ You never know who your real friends are until you post something that is not funny. (Mys ter E)
____ Grandpa sure does like to work on his car... he's been under there changing his oil for 3 days. (Jack Wagon)
____ Facebook~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. (Rae Broman)
____ What's blue and rectangular? An apple in disguise. (Adam Apple)
____ I believe aliens are real. If I didn't, I would seriously question my mental health cuz SOMEBODY'S been mowing my lawn on a weekly basis. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Some immature dude kept throwing popcorn at everybody in the theater.. I must say that my aim is still spot on. (Donny Norris)
____ I scratch my head when I read your statuses. This head lice is killing me. (Tim Gauthier)
____ I never talk sh*t about my friends. Thats why I delete you first. (Mys ter E)
____ People who have a cartoon character for a profile picture are so sketchy (Mys ter E)
____ Don't be mean to me. It's Saturday. (Donny Norris)
____ Success is 'high fiving' the blinking hand after you've crossed the street. (Eric Jacques)
____ I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine. (Marc Cloke)
____ I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn. I spent roughly 7000 dollars. (Quirky Sally)
____ My GPS showed I was going to MSIB. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there. (Dotty Joyner)
____ I have to give a speech next week about the link between anxiety and insomnia, I have been up all night worrying about it. (Gary Hensley)
____ My morning ab workout... usually consists of me hitting the snooze button on my alarm clock. (Jack Wagon)
____ I can't come up with a status so I think I'll strip off my clothes, run outside and give my neighbors something to talk about. (Quirky Sally)
____ So which way is this handle on my life supposed to go anyway? (Jack Wagon)
____ Why do i have to clean my room if we're having guests for dinner? Its not like we're having dinner in my room? (Pooja Pandey)
____ Hi... can I borrow your pen? I need to stab you in the eye with it. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I decided to free my mind. Unfortunately it's not coming back. (LaDonna MsCarol Reed)
____ My life's going to change drastically. After December 21st. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ Disappointed the ATM didn't shoot out a burst of confetti to congratulate me for having enough to pull out twenty bucks. (Alice Kips)
____ I miss the days when you could solve your problems with Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ Henceforth I shall be ending all my status's with the words "true story" because I like those words. True story. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ Snooki sugned a deal to sell her own perfume. I'm totally gonna buy it because I want to smell like Jager and illiteracy. (He Dis)
____ Wondering why Google hasn't changed its icon for my birthday yet. (Amanda Elizabeth)
____ The primary function of a necktie is to show the direction of a man's brain. (Jody Walker Stratton)
____ A really funny thing happened to me today. Wait, no, nothing funny happened at all. I sat on the couch all day with the hangover from hell feeling sorry for myself. True story. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ ”what the f*ck is this sh*t!?” - me watching "Yo Gabba Gabba" with my niece. (Shaunna Shurtliff)

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Saturday, March 24, 2012


____ My "Dream Job" is sleeping. (Adam Apple)
____ When children shy away, I say, "I don't bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and
bite them hard. They need to understand life's not easy. (Rajat Behl)
____ You look as HOT as the last time I saw you! ~ Me, stumbling past the mirror in the mens room at a bar. (Mustache Mann)
____ All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan! (Carrie Leigh)
____ I bought a Time Machine! Ok, I bought a Watch (Adam Apple)
____ My neighbor is a douche. A great big douche. Not just a regular kind of douche. He is some sort of mutant mega-douche. He is the douchiest douche in the history of douches. Okay, sorry... carry on. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I think I would pretty good at naming things. I already came up with "Caramel Toe" as the best name for edible underwear. (Jack Olivar)
____ I hope I look as good as Steven Tyler does when I've been dead for two years. (Rajat Behl)
____ I can't afford a bigger TV so I moved the chair closer to the one I already have (Adam Apple)
____ I am just speechless!!! I mean that I have nothing to say. I can't think of even one word. NOT EVEN ONE WORD to post. I don't know what to write, to type. Nothing to express. I mean nothing have I got to say. Not anything comes to mind to post about. It is weird that I don't know what to post so I guess I won't post anything cause I can't think of anything to post about, I have no comments, nothing. (Donny Norris)
____ After a night of drinking, there's one thing I can't stand... & that's up. (Dotty Joyner)
____ Someone just called me uneducated. WTF does that even mean? (Mys ter E)
____ The Days of Good English are went. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I'm usually on the outside looking in because, you know, restraining orders. (Jack Olivar)
____ Sharing is Caring. Which must be why I don't share. (Lisa James)
____ I've just heard that there is a cure for dyslexia. It's like music to my arse. (King Julien)
____ Sometimes when I'm drunk and I accidentally run, stumble and go crashing through my neighbor's fence, I scream "Oh Yeah!" just before hitting the ground like I was purposely imitating the Kool-Aid Man....but usually it's too late and I end up just looking like an idiot. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ <---THIS chick takes Vodka shots...NOT joke requests. Unless you are offering up Vodka in return. And you don't mind crappy jokes. (Rae Broman)
____ If I delivered babies I would so use the disappearing magic scarf trick. (Lisa James)
____ "People you may know". Hahaha, I don't even know half the people on my friends list. (Lisa James)
____ "I LIKE BIG WORDS AND I CANNOT LIE" - Sir Sesquipedalian Mix A Lot. (Eric Caro)
____ Just when we thought there was nothing more to like, you came along, and now there's more of nothing to like. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Do you ever wonder how some people survive? (Beau Diggity)
____ My Imaginary Girlfriend dumped me. (Adam Apple)
____ Just had lunch and polished off a nice bowl of soup, except it wasn't soup, it was beer and it wasn't a bowl, it was a 12 pack. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ My neighbor seems like a decent guy. We spoke once and have waved at each other on several occasions. (Donny Norris)
____ I don't get all the hype. I just finished reading Hunger Games...worst diet book ever. (Jack Olivar)
____ I intensely abominate sesquipedalian people. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm not an alcoholic, I just like to collect empty bottles (Adam Apple)
____ I just finished off the last of the Valentine's Day candy...from 2008. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ No Facebook, I do not want to poke that person back. However, if you can give me the option to bitch slap them, please let me know! (Little Foot)
____ "Stop, collaborate and listen." ~ Vanilla Ice if he was a mediator (Jack Olivar)
____ I call bullsh*t on potholes! There's no weed in there, trust me, I checked. (Toni Daniels)
____ I'm not saying I'm messy, but if there's an opposite of O.C.D, I probably have that. (Jack Olivar)
____ Working from home is great, but I guess when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants. (Beau Diggity)
____ I wanna be buried in a spring loaded casket with loads of confetti. Why? Because then in the future, some archaeologist is going to have one awesome day at work. (Carrie Leigh)
____ Putting a Hershey's Kiss in your chair is as close as I will get to kissing your ass (Nikki Sholar)
____ "Oldie and a goodie" - gerontophile, probably. (look it up) (Eric Caro)
____ My status is so bad, it got arrested. (Juliet Abram)
____ I hate that 3-second lap dance you get at the movie theater when somebody walks by. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I’m writing a book that I will call "Girls don't fart and other myths I wish I still believed in” (Adam Apple)
____ "WE DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE WOMEN'S PRIVATES?" - Beavers, probably. (Eric Caro)
____ Just passed a guy wearing a "#1 Dad" T-shirt. On my way home now to ask my kids what the hell? (Jared Peick)
____ Just gave my cell phone some CPR. Because it was dying. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Why can't people let stuff go? I mean, wear Velcro stripper pants once to work and you're forever known as the "pants guy" apparently. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: "Bathroom closed." (Quirky Sally)
____ I bet nothing pisses a cop off more than a car driving the speed limit right in front of them (Glenn Jamin)
____ I have unlimited data on my phone so I can post random stuff when I am bored. But later when no one is looking I remove it so I dont appear stupid. Sometimes I forget and thats what you are reading now. But if I took it down already you are looking at a blank space. (Mys ter E)
____ I'm not an aggressive driver. I prefer "queen of strategic vehicular maneuvers." (Carol Kearney Block)
____ I̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶l̶i̶v̶e̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ y̶o̶u̶. Screw you, yes I can. :p (Shafique Khatri)
____ While most of my friends played Doctor as a kid, I played Mortician. I didn't have much faith in them being doctors. (Beau Diggity)
____ We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.” (Marc Cloke)
____ You know its time to call it a night when you misread comments and post something that has nothing to do with the status. (Dave Murawski)
____ You moron, don't you have any feelings for me? ~ my liver, to me. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I never quite understood the adage "Kill two birds with one stone." Was there a time in history with a surplus of birds and a shortage of stones? (Jack Olivar)
____ A great way to deal with stress at work is to get up and take a nice walk or bash a coworker with an office chair. (Sean Shipley)
____ Stop already with the elderly jokes. They're getting old. (Mike Titone)
____ ME: "Siri, what movie is playing at Clark Cinema?" SIRI: "Is he playing park with your enema? Is this correct?" Ehhh, close enough. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I hate waking up at Walmart. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ Wisdom doesn't always come with age. Sometimes age just shows up by itself. (Dotty Joyner)
____ What's the appropriate amount of time before I start farting in front of the new boyfriend? (Chasity Myers)
____ Do you think Bruce Springsteen calls his kids "Steenagers"? Please say yes. (He Dis)
____ Went to check on my nest egg and it just coughed up a bunch of smoke. (Lisa James)
____ If I actually thought before I updated my status I'd have a total of two statuses. (He Dis)
____ After a marathon of watching Dexter, CSI, Law and Order, and Criminal Masterminds I'm pretty sure I could kill you 50 different ways and make it look like an accident. (Justin Sayson)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


I'm continuing a series of Facebook status updates that my readers have contributed over the last year. It's been great to see that so many of these have been used all over the internet since they originated HERE, at My Status Is Baddest. I have an amazing FAN PAGE with hundreds of new status updates a day!  Sure, there are other Facebook Status update websites out there, but I dare you to find one with more originality.

____ One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. (Chris Hallman)
____ Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window. (Donna Hudon)
____ True love is giving your spouse a bite of your sandwich...just a little bite though. (Donny Norris)
____ I was staring through my window and thinking to myself, "why am I watching my dog take a crap?". Then I read some Facebook friends' statuses, and I ran back to see if I could catch her finishing up. (Mustache Mann)
____ You know how we were raised by television? I dread the day someone's gonna tell me they were raised by Facebook. (Fadi BouKaram)
____ I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked. (Arthur Mabry)
____ Love beer = forced to work. (Matt Rogers)
____ Love walking up to random women in the mall and saying, "Sorry but it would never work between us." (Donny Norris)
____ Life is not like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. (Danny Edenfield)
____ can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes... THEY'RRRRRRRRRREEE alright, I guess (Mike Seriously)
____ I don't like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth. (Mikel Khalil)
____ That awkward moment when u post a funny status and there's that one person who ruins it by saying something serious. (Jason Fundora)
____ Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says:

8 minutes ago via iPad2 (William Hale)
____ My hangovers feel like someone is screaming at me in German. (Mike Seriously)
____ I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract. (Jacob Grant)
____ I went to fill out an application today. When I got to: "position applying for", I wrote "yours" followed by a " ;-) " and an "LOL". I think I NAILED it!! (Mustache Mann)
____ My boyfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, he’s not exactly my boyfriend yet. (Donna Young)
____ Mental note: Actual notes work better. (Makyra Nunes)
____ Sometimes when I post something I'll give it a "like" myself. You know, just to get the ball rolling. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ A real woman always keeps her house clean and organized, the laundry basket is always empty. She's always well dressed, hair done. She never swears, behaves gracefully in all situations and all circumstances. She has more than enough patience to take care of her family, always has a smile on her lips, and a kind word for everyone. Post this as your status if you, too, suspect that you might be a man. (Donna Hudon)
___ I bet all the cool math nerds call each other “Alge-bros.” (William Hale)
____ My main goal in life is to find out what my main goal in life is. Er... that was easy. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "Wish you were here" - me, thinking about the booze at home. (Lisa James)
____ The day after my birthday I changed my birthdate to the next day on Facebook to test a theory. Yup, nobody cared then either. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Last night my status was "sleeping naked." I got "likes" from 4 girls, 1 guy and 6 mosquitoes. (Jad Bou Karam)

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


I'm continuing a series of Facebook status updates that my readers have contributed over the last year. It's been great to see that so many of these have been used all over the internet since they originated HERE, at My Status Is Baddest. I have an amazing FAN PAGE with hundreds of new status updates a day! Sure, there are other Facebook Status update websites out there, but I dare you to find one with more originality.

____ The nice thing about Facebook is that people can't see me constantly rolling my eyes. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ If someone flirts with you in the daytime it counts double. (Adam Apple)
____ Does anyone know how to make stapling someone's face to their desk look like an accident??? (Mike Seriously)
____ I wish Facebook had a "Remember when you were skinny in high school but now you're FAT, LOL" button (Leilani Christi)
____ About a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee. (Adam Apple)
____ I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments and sheer lack of common decency, that you and I could be best friends in no time. (Mustache Mann)
____ I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night. (Rae Broman)
____ My goldfish has been planking since last Thursday. (Jenniffer Diane Sassano)
____ I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ The way to a man's heart is through low self esteem. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled. (Chris Hallman)
____ If I were rich, I'd hire someone whose sole responsibility was to stand at tops of stairwells and high five me when I got to the top. (Leilani Christi)
____ I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI van. (Rae Broman)
____ My friend wants a fairy tale wedding, so I’m going to poison her. I hope that’s what she meant. (Street Slim)
____ My body is not my temple. It's more like my bar and grill. (Mike Seriously)
____ My neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dumbass, I can still see him. (Rae Broman)
____ Forget Viagara, I need a pill that makes my wife like me for four hours. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I call the black licorice flavored jelly beans "disappointment". (Arthur Mabry)
____ If you leave me a message saying "call me when you have a minute" I can guarantee you I will be busy for the rest of the day. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Ghetto Winnie the pooh says "Tigger, please". (Mike Seriously)
____ If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?" (Chris Hallman)
____ My co-worker accidentally drank from my Starbucks cup and said "your coffee tastes like BEER". (Mustache Mann)
____ I finished reading 'The Neverending Story' last night, so myth busted, I guess. (Justin John Bernard)
____ My grandmother just asked me why I don't have any photos on Facebook. Well, at least I know their privacy settings are working properly. (Josiane Be)
____ Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets. (Yuri Bee)

Thursday, March 1, 2012


For the next few days, I'm publishing a bunch of status updates from my Fan Page, written within the last 12 months. Enjoy!

____ I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6. (Donny Norris)
____ Whenever I meet an honor student I tell them about their Mom's bad driving. (Kristie Jackson)
____ I get out of my car a lot faster now that I've made Fran Drescher the voice on my GPS. (Jacob Grant)
____ This beer just accepted my friend request! (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield. (Mike Seriously)
____ Sometimes I call the cops on myself just so my neighbours will think the party I'm throwing is awesome. (Donny Norris)
____ Age 22 isn't when you become a woman. You become a woman when people fall out of your vagina and step on your dreams. (Tiffany Mobley)
____ If you see someone jogging past 9 p.m, they just killed a person. (Mike Seriously)
____ I fart, because it's the only gas I can afford. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ they're called skinny jeans, not MAKE you skinny jeans!!! (Carrie Danley)
____ is at the DMV. Now I know where "those" people go when they're NOT at Wal-Mart. (Mustache Mann)
____ How to stop SNORING: place pillow tightly over partners face hold til snoring stops, then delete this message. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to win didn't you? (Adam Apple)

____ High 5’s are a great way to slap someone in the face by “accident”. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I don't mind people sneezing in public. It's that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me... (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme doughnut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all the disappointed faces. (Donny Norris)
____ ♫ SHOUT…SHOUT, type it all out! These are the things I can blog about. So log on… I’m linking to you… Log on. ♫ (William Hale)
____ Do not raise your voice. Improve your argument. (Apple Grace Alcantara)
____ If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion. (Mike Foster)
____ I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand. (Jennifer Gordon)
____ There's a movie I'm going to be forced to see. I won't say which one, but it looks like a real piece of smurf. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I'm so pissed right now! I'm about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please... (William Hale)
____ Two beer or not two beer--Shakesbeer (Apple Grace Alcantara)
____ Talking to yourself is completely normal. Arguing with yourself is also completely normal. However, if you lose the argument, then you need serious help. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)

More to come! Join the fun on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE!


This is an exciting day for My Status Is Baddest! I have figured out how to randomly select Facebook Fan Page status updates with more than 3 "likes" from the moment my Fan Page started last January! What does this mean? It means a trip down MSIB lane for all of us. Prepare for at least 1000 status updates over the next few days! Thanks everybody!

____ I can be as co-dependent as you want me to be. (Samgirl Sunday)
____ As soon as I learn how to un-read stuff, I'll be able to sleep. (Mustache Mann)
____ Two things I am thankful for- 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I think Sudoku is Japanese for DAMMIT! (Donny Norris)
____ If I knew karate, I would go all ninja on ya and chop you to pieces with my bare hands. But I don't, so carry on. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ My death bed confession is going to be epic. (Donny Norris)
____ I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie. (William Hale)
____ I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not. (Rae Broman)
____ Look you asked me to be your childs Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts. (Donny Norris)
____ On my treadmill sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight. (Adam Apple)
____ My trainer must be so happy with my fitness level because he said I'm getting atrophy... I've never been given an award before! (Mya Sisnice)
____ Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. We launch a bird into pigs! (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I ran 5 miles today. No I didn't. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change. (Donny Norris)
____ Facebook gives me a chance to have meaningful conversations with my friends. Only when there's an awkward silence, I can walk away and go make myself a snack. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I really don't see the need for pants for the rest of this day. (Toni Daniels)
____ I got up this morning and thought about going for a nice long run, then I started laughing and laughing, cuz....I don't do that. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I got tired of people stealing my lunch at work, so I put my beer in a Dr. Pepper 12 pack box. (Mustache Mann)
____ Did you see the new internet Barbie? It looks like a middle-aged fat guy. (Adam Apple)
____ It must be so much easier to be a drunk if you have a catheter. (Lisa James)
____ I don't know why people make such a big deal about me drinking alcohol in a taxi. I just wish they would sit there and shut up until I drop them off. (Tom Guntorius)
____ isn't cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Considering I'm sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you may want to chose someone else to take advice from today, guys. (Jack Olivar)
____ There's a time and place for sarcasm, and this is it. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I always conduct myself in a calm and rational manner because you never know when the space aliens or government are recording you. (Donny Norris)
____ You had me at "what's a restraining order?" (Mustache Mann)
____ anyone who doesn't like Family Guy, step forward because we can't be friends. (Lisa James)
____ I sometimes wish the internet would run out of ink....(Mustache Mann)
____ I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow. (Adam Apple)
____ There are so many maggots in my garbage, it can probably take itself out. (Nobo Dy)
____ They have security settings on facebook. Now all they need is an insecurity setting and you'll be all set. (Lisa James)
____ You guys need to stop holding secret meetings about my paranoia!!! (Mike Seriously)
____ I once told a joke so bad that the crickets didn't even chirp. (Donny Norris)
____ Everytime you post a picture on Facebook, I'm judging your furniture. (Melinda Morethantheusual Huffman)
____ Me and the wife have finally decided we don't want any more kids, so if anyone does we can drop them off tomorrow. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I went in and traced my lineage back to Wales. This explains my echolocation abilities. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm terming a new word. "Askhole"- A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them! (Carrie Leigh)