____ just realized that you can "like" that someone was born on the timeline. I found all my ex's and commented Boo! (Lisa James)
____ I was sitting here trying to collect my thoughts, then I realized I don't have any. (Mustache Mann)
____ Once upon a time... I had a life. The end. (Jack Wagon)
____ Someone really, really needs to tell Gramma this planking thing was just a fad. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ The person whose status is below mine is a Douchebag. Oh Crap! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Like this if you're asleep. (Adam Apple)
____ Some see the glass as half full, some as half empty. I just use shot glasses. Less complication and they're only either full or empty. No optimism or pessimism. (Carrie Leigh)
____ Are you trying to call me dyslexic you dirty piece of this? (King Julien)
____ I hate it when my "Cool Hand Luke" or Princess Bride" or "Holy Grail" or "Blues Brothers" or "The Jerk" references are lost on people :( Where are you from??? Mars? (Donny Norris)
____ The secret of enjoying a good wine is to open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth. (Carrie Leigh)
____ The person whose status is above mine is so Awesome!! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ What do you get the girl who has everything? A round of antibiotics is probably a good place to start. (Eric Caro)
____ Don't you hate when you buy a bag of air and you find some chips in it? (Adam Apple)
____ What used to take under 5 minutes to use the bathroom.. now takes no less than 20. Thank you, MSIB. (Toni Daniels)
____ You know you're a geek when you have an iPhone, an iPod, a PC, a laptop, a GPS system and a PDA but you'd swap them all for a working lightsaber. (James Baud)
____ I remember the feeling of invincibility and empowerment I felt as I marched into battle along side my friends to protect our turf. We were prepared to do battle with the encroaching enemy and were ready for anything except we didn't know that they had brought adults with them to do their dirty work so we ran our asses off and narrowly escaped. True Story (Donny Norris)
____ You never know who your real friends are until you post something that is not funny. (Mys ter E)
____ Grandpa sure does like to work on his car... he's been under there changing his oil for 3 days. (Jack Wagon)
____ Facebook~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. (Rae Broman)
____ What's blue and rectangular? An apple in disguise. (Adam Apple)
____ I believe aliens are real. If I didn't, I would seriously question my mental health cuz SOMEBODY'S been mowing my lawn on a weekly basis. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Some immature dude kept throwing popcorn at everybody in the theater.. I must say that my aim is still spot on. (Donny Norris)
____ I scratch my head when I read your statuses. This head lice is killing me. (Tim Gauthier)
____ I never talk sh*t about my friends. Thats why I delete you first. (Mys ter E)
____ People who have a cartoon character for a profile picture are so sketchy (Mys ter E)
____ Don't be mean to me. It's Saturday. (Donny Norris)
____ Success is 'high fiving' the blinking hand after you've crossed the street. (Eric Jacques)
____ I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine. (Marc Cloke)
____ I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn. I spent roughly 7000 dollars. (Quirky Sally)
____ My GPS showed I was going to MSIB. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there. (Dotty Joyner)
____ I have to give a speech next week about the link between anxiety and insomnia, I have been up all night worrying about it. (Gary Hensley)
____ My morning ab workout... usually consists of me hitting the snooze button on my alarm clock. (Jack Wagon)
____ I can't come up with a status so I think I'll strip off my clothes, run outside and give my neighbors something to talk about. (Quirky Sally)
____ So which way is this handle on my life supposed to go anyway? (Jack Wagon)
____ Why do i have to clean my room if we're having guests for dinner? Its not like we're having dinner in my room? (Pooja Pandey)
____ Hi... can I borrow your pen? I need to stab you in the eye with it. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I decided to free my mind. Unfortunately it's not coming back. (LaDonna MsCarol Reed)
____ My life's going to change drastically. After December 21st. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ Disappointed the ATM didn't shoot out a burst of confetti to congratulate me for having enough to pull out twenty bucks. (Alice Kips)
____ I miss the days when you could solve your problems with Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ Henceforth I shall be ending all my status's with the words "true story" because I like those words. True story. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ Snooki sugned a deal to sell her own perfume. I'm totally gonna buy it because I want to smell like Jager and illiteracy. (He Dis)
____ Wondering why Google hasn't changed its icon for my birthday yet. (Amanda Elizabeth)
____ The primary function of a necktie is to show the direction of a man's brain. (Jody Walker Stratton)
____ A really funny thing happened to me today. Wait, no, nothing funny happened at all. I sat on the couch all day with the hangover from hell feeling sorry for myself. True story. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ ”what the f*ck is this sh*t!?” - me watching "Yo Gabba Gabba" with my niece. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
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