____ Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME! (SamGirl Sunday)
____ if I don't spend any money on anything for the next 3 days...I still won't have any money. :((Lisa James)
____ My wife is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type. (Adam Apple)
____ If a tree falls in the woods, do the other trees make fun of it? (Lisa James)
____ Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Apparently, that HOT guy in my office doesn't realize I am going to CONTINUE giving him the silent treatment until he acknowledges my existence. (Rae Broman)
____ I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me. (William Hale)
____ 3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :( (James Baud)
____ I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store (Jack Olivar)
____ I bought a cake...I had a cake....I ate the cake. MYTH busted! (Mustache Mann)
____ Just got done spanking my monkey. HEY, it pooped on the floor! No real Monkeys were injured during the creation of this status. (Mustache Mann)
____ ♪♫All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom♫♪ ~ Hip Hop Terrorists maybe (Jack Olivar)
____ I tell people my ass is tight because I work out when in actuality it's from all the squatting in the woods. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I think Hotel California was written about Facebook. (Donny Norris)
____ Bon Jovi, everyone! ~ me on my first day in French class. (Egg Head)
____ Those celery sticks I had for breakfast tasted like a midlife crisis comes A LOT sooner when you drink a fifth every night. (Rae Broman)
____ Ever since I joined MSIB, my speed reading and scrolling abilities have improved. However, my comprehension and giving a sh*t remains the same! (Jack Wagon)
____ My coworker was so clumsy today. This morning he walked into my fist five times. (Adam Apple)
____ I hate when I go to a restaurant and I sit down and my waiter comes over and it's Grover. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I'm the fsatest tyyeper i9n the worsld. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ When a police officer asks for my insurance I explain that my plan will only cover him/her once we're legally wed. And that we belong together. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you've never farted in a cup then handed it to a friend asking them "does this smell funny to you?", you probably can't deal with me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Someone at work has been stealing my lunch from the refrigerator. Tomorrow, I'm bringing a cat food sandwich. BON APPETIT MOTHER F*CKER!!! (Eric Caro)
____ I was going to order that P90X workout video today when I thought, "baha.... hahahaha.... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I drank till she was pretty, but I ran out of beer before SHE could do the same. Now I sit. All alone. (Mustache Mann)
____ It's funny how Disney films sometimes have hidden subliminal messages. For example, play Cinderella in reverse and it's the story of a woman who learns her place. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I give the thumbs up ALL THE TIME. (If you replace thumbs with middle fingers) (Lisa James)
____ ever wondered how many weirdos have printed your profile pic, put it in their wallet, and gone around telling everyone you're their girlfriend? (Nikki Sholar)
____ Procrastination ...... I'll make a joke about it later. (David Gall)
____ Why does everybody assume that I play the banjo? I do but DANG! (Donny Norris)
____ I don't want a baby because they're way too lazy. (Lisa James)
____ I always go to work on my birthday... just for the free cake! (Jack Wagon)
____ I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline" (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I am looking forward to the 3D Titanic movie because I anticipate that that scene where the two young lovers are at the front of the ship pretending to fly will make for an awesome Kate Winslett boobie shot. (Donny Norris)
____ Today is one of those days where f*ck you. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A CHALLENGE! I just kinda sidestep and stroll off whistling with my hands in my pockets. (Donny Norris)
____ I’ve given the finger so many times today, I think it’s stuck in position. That means I'm all set for the rest of the week. :) (Toni Daniels)
____ I love my job as a stone collector...it rocks! (King Julien)
____ Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. (Hollywood Allan)
____ My best friend is Hilarious! (Well, her name's Hilary, and she's Greek) (Danny Coleiro)
____ I posted a joke on the wall at work and no one liked it. :( (Mys ter E)
____ I was sitting on the toilet when the girl in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I hate being Bipolar. It's great! (Hollywood Allan)
____ A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ My Optician told me in 8 years I'd have 2020 vision. (King Julien)
____ You can tell me it was curiosity but I have a feeling it was obesity that killed that fat ass cat. (Jack Olivar)
____ "Want to get a drink?" "Later" "How about now?" "Later.." "Now?" "Later.." "Now?" - If the Windows Auto Updates pop up was your friend. (James Baud)
____ FYI: No, I’m not feeling violent.... I’m feeling creative with weapons. (Sara Lavoie)
____ I think I'm gonna listen to my Seal CD on the way home. Ooooowwa Ooooowwa Ooooowwa!
I taped it at SeaWorld. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm kind of a hipster because I broke my hip way before osteoperosis set in. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I was going through customs at the airport and was asked if I had any drugs. Apparently "what do you need?" was the wrong answer. (Shafique Khatri)
____ My wife keeps nagging me to drive more slowly but I've put my foot down. (Tom Guntorius)
____ So the new Titanic 3D is out? Maybe they'll see the f*cking iceberg this time. (Tom Guntorius)
____ This is proof enough that I can function properly after only 4 hours of sleep. (Beau Diggity)
____ Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!? (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ I wonder how many people sh*t in sh*ts creek? (Lisa James)
____ I HATE IT WHEN THE POLICE WANT TO ACT LIKE FITNESS INSTRUCTORS AND CHASE ME EVERYWHERE. (Erwin Charming)
____ Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron. (Nikki Sholar)
____ after finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127. (Adam Apple)
____ Women don't poop, they hold it in and it comes out as drama. (Daniel Kilonzo))
____ These mushrooms look suspicious. I'd better eat ALL of them. (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ Waiting for my favorite day of the week... Weedsnesday. (Mignonette Pola Bukid)
____ Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze? (Quirky Sally)
____ I only have two rules 1) Never forget. and 2) .... Uhm... Dammit! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I have all the money I WILL EVER NEED - - - - if I die by 5:30pm today. (Sara Lavoie)
____ People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz. (Shafique Khatri)
____ The zoo is a safe place to fart. (Tex Hester)
____ Sometimes I post stuff for the funny comments (Mys ter E)
____ As I handed my mother her 50th birthday card, she said, "One would have done." (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ If a "g" falls in the woods, he would probably get all caught up in his gold chains and never make it out. (Lisa James)
____ "I wish I could answer phone calls with my Walkman" -Steve Jobs in the 80's. (James Baud)
____ My dad used to say "always fight fire with fire", which is probably why he got kicked out of the fire brigade. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ Today is my Tuesday. (Donny Norris)
____ "APRIL FOOLS!!!" - Mark Zuckerburg, about the new Timeline...probably not... (Eric Caro)
____ THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE EVER READ. (Donny Norris)
____ Who else here is a master baiter? Yeah, I enjoy fishing too. (Stephanie Manera)
____ There once was a fellow who was kinda mellow, He sat on his couch and facebooked. His wife didn't like it, took his Ipad and spiked it. Thank God he still has his nook. (Donny Norris)
____ NAKED LADY WALKING RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE OF 7TH!! And that's how I got the last 2 donuts. (Donny Norris)
____ Doctors advised Willie Nelson that having his deviated septum fixed would ruin his career... (Donny Norris)
____ My name is Daniel, not that anyone cares. (Daniel Ngwane)
____ What if I only want half the shebang? wtf. (Lisa James)
____ High mai naym is Miz.Speld. I'll bee yore teechur tooday. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I had a dream that I was the bottom of a vodka bottle. (Mys ter E)
____ Ok guys I just finished my lunch so now I'm off to work...on a new status idea! (King Julien)
____ Supervision. Not as cool as it sounds, huh? (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ I need a major attitude adjustment.. and I think I just found it in this bong. (Toni Daniels)
____ Sometimes, when I don't want anyone to talk to me, I stand on a busy street corner with a clip board. (Sean Shipley)
____ I'm pretty jealous of strippers because having their periods is a legitimate excuse to not come in to work. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth. (Wendy Whalen)
____ Me. Stalk? No,I just observe....behind a tree....at night.... In the rain. (David Gall)
