____ My "Dream Job" is sleeping. (Adam Apple)
____ When children shy away, I say, "I don't bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and
bite them hard. They need to understand life's not easy. (Rajat Behl)
____ You look as HOT as the last time I saw you! ~ Me, stumbling past the mirror in the mens room at a bar. (Mustache Mann)
____ All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan! (Carrie Leigh)
____ I bought a Time Machine! Ok, I bought a Watch (Adam Apple)
____ My neighbor is a douche. A great big douche. Not just a regular kind of douche. He is some sort of mutant mega-douche. He is the douchiest douche in the history of douches. Okay, sorry... carry on. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I think I would pretty good at naming things. I already came up with "Caramel Toe" as the best name for edible underwear. (Jack Olivar)
____ I hope I look as good as Steven Tyler does when I've been dead for two years. (Rajat Behl)
____ I can't afford a bigger TV so I moved the chair closer to the one I already have (Adam Apple)
____ I am just speechless!!! I mean that I have nothing to say. I can't think of even one word. NOT EVEN ONE WORD to post. I don't know what to write, to type. Nothing to express. I mean nothing have I got to say. Not anything comes to mind to post about. It is weird that I don't know what to post so I guess I won't post anything cause I can't think of anything to post about, I have no comments, nothing. (Donny Norris)
____ After a night of drinking, there's one thing I can't stand... & that's up. (Dotty Joyner)
____ Someone just called me uneducated. WTF does that even mean? (Mys ter E)
____ The Days of Good English are went. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I'm usually on the outside looking in because, you know, restraining orders. (Jack Olivar)
____ Sharing is Caring. Which must be why I don't share. (Lisa James)
____ I've just heard that there is a cure for dyslexia. It's like music to my arse. (King Julien)
____ Sometimes when I'm drunk and I accidentally run, stumble and go crashing through my neighbor's fence, I scream "Oh Yeah!" just before hitting the ground like I was purposely imitating the Kool-Aid Man....but usually it's too late and I end up just looking like an idiot. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ <---THIS chick takes Vodka shots...NOT joke requests. Unless you are offering up Vodka in return. And you don't mind crappy jokes. (Rae Broman)
____ If I delivered babies I would so use the disappearing magic scarf trick. (Lisa James)
____ "People you may know". Hahaha, I don't even know half the people on my friends list. (Lisa James)
____ "I LIKE BIG WORDS AND I CANNOT LIE" - Sir Sesquipedalian Mix A Lot. (Eric Caro)
____ Just when we thought there was nothing more to like, you came along, and now there's more of nothing to like. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Do you ever wonder how some people survive? (Beau Diggity)
____ My Imaginary Girlfriend dumped me. (Adam Apple)
____ Just had lunch and polished off a nice bowl of soup, except it wasn't soup, it was beer and it wasn't a bowl, it was a 12 pack. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ My neighbor seems like a decent guy. We spoke once and have waved at each other on several occasions. (Donny Norris)
____ I don't get all the hype. I just finished reading Hunger Games...worst diet book ever. (Jack Olivar)
____ I intensely abominate sesquipedalian people. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm not an alcoholic, I just like to collect empty bottles (Adam Apple)
____ I just finished off the last of the Valentine's Day candy...from 2008. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ No Facebook, I do not want to poke that person back. However, if you can give me the option to bitch slap them, please let me know! (Little Foot)
____ "Stop, collaborate and listen." ~ Vanilla Ice if he was a mediator (Jack Olivar)
____ I call bullsh*t on potholes! There's no weed in there, trust me, I checked. (Toni Daniels)
____ I'm not saying I'm messy, but if there's an opposite of O.C.D, I probably have that. (Jack Olivar)
____ Working from home is great, but I guess when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants. (Beau Diggity)
____ I wanna be buried in a spring loaded casket with loads of confetti. Why? Because then in the future, some archaeologist is going to have one awesome day at work. (Carrie Leigh)
____ Putting a Hershey's Kiss in your chair is as close as I will get to kissing your ass (Nikki Sholar)
____ "Oldie and a goodie" - gerontophile, probably. (look it up) (Eric Caro)
____ My status is so bad, it got arrested. (Juliet Abram)
____ I hate that 3-second lap dance you get at the movie theater when somebody walks by. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I’m writing a book that I will call "Girls don't fart and other myths I wish I still believed in” (Adam Apple)
____ "WE DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE WOMEN'S PRIVATES?" - Beavers, probably. (Eric Caro)
____ Just passed a guy wearing a "#1 Dad" T-shirt. On my way home now to ask my kids what the hell? (Jared Peick)
____ Just gave my cell phone some CPR. Because it was dying. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Why can't people let stuff go? I mean, wear Velcro stripper pants once to work and you're forever known as the "pants guy" apparently. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: "Bathroom closed." (Quirky Sally)
____ I bet nothing pisses a cop off more than a car driving the speed limit right in front of them (Glenn Jamin)
____ I have unlimited data on my phone so I can post random stuff when I am bored. But later when no one is looking I remove it so I dont appear stupid. Sometimes I forget and thats what you are reading now. But if I took it down already you are looking at a blank space. (Mys ter E)
____ I'm not an aggressive driver. I prefer "queen of strategic vehicular maneuvers." (Carol Kearney Block)
____ I̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶l̶i̶v̶e̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ y̶o̶u̶. Screw you, yes I can. :p (Shafique Khatri)
____ While most of my friends played Doctor as a kid, I played Mortician. I didn't have much faith in them being doctors. (Beau Diggity)
____ We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.” (Marc Cloke)
____ You know its time to call it a night when you misread comments and post something that has nothing to do with the status. (Dave Murawski)
____ You moron, don't you have any feelings for me? ~ my liver, to me. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I never quite understood the adage "Kill two birds with one stone." Was there a time in history with a surplus of birds and a shortage of stones? (Jack Olivar)
____ A great way to deal with stress at work is to get up and take a nice walk or bash a coworker with an office chair. (Sean Shipley)
____ Stop already with the elderly jokes. They're getting old. (Mike Titone)
____ ME: "Siri, what movie is playing at Clark Cinema?" SIRI: "Is he playing park with your enema? Is this correct?" Ehhh, close enough. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I hate waking up at Walmart. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ Wisdom doesn't always come with age. Sometimes age just shows up by itself. (Dotty Joyner)
____ What's the appropriate amount of time before I start farting in front of the new boyfriend? (Chasity Myers)
____ Do you think Bruce Springsteen calls his kids "Steenagers"? Please say yes. (He Dis)
____ Went to check on my nest egg and it just coughed up a bunch of smoke. (Lisa James)
____ If I actually thought before I updated my status I'd have a total of two statuses. (He Dis)
____ After a marathon of watching Dexter, CSI, Law and Order, and Criminal Masterminds I'm pretty sure I could kill you 50 different ways and make it look like an accident. (Justin Sayson)
