Friday, April 27, 2012

____ Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot? (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I put the o in illiterate (Adam Apple)
____ Making butt shaped meatloaf. (Lisa James)
____ I'm ok with house hunting as long as it's done humanely and you eat all the houses you kill. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me. (Mustache Mann)
____ I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself. (Liam Sullivan)
____ Everyones first attempt at a passionate kiss looks like a mule trying to eat a sugar cube through a split rail fence. (Donny Norris)
____ I wrote a book called "How to Pick up Girls." Page 1 says: "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of people shrugging. (Eric Caro)
____ Looking at all the posts I make in here, you would never know I have a job. Looking at my paycheck makes me feel the same way (Mys ter E)
____ That was an awesome 2 hour nap! The best part is, I didn't hit a single tree or pedestrian. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I bought a self-help DVD online, called "How to Handle Disappointment". When the package arrived it was empty. (King Julien)
____ when my wife is angry with me, instead of giving me the silent treatment, she just keeps talking. (King Julien)
____ I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I'm up to 1 hour a day. I'm slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry which led to me playing a game of Uno. (Mys ter E)
____ Giraffe/camel...same thing. Unless you're looking at the toes. (Lisa James)
____ I do what I want, when I want, where I want! As long as my mum says its ok. (King Julien)
____ You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date. (Mustache Mann)
____ I never form an opinion about someone until I really get to know them...unless they're a$$holes. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Oh Lord, I've misread the NyQuil bottle again... (Donny Norris)
____ Women are weapons of cash destruction. (Adam Apple)
____ I never say I'm sorry because I don't like to lie. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I'm high on life! And pot. Well...mostly pot. But I love life! Probably because of pot. (Toni Daniels)
____ GIVE ME A BEET! ~ Hip hop Chef (Donny Norris)
____ I'm not nodding to say yes about your idea....The voices in my head are agreeing with me that you're an idiot. (Mustache Mann)
____ is it rude to put odor eaters in someones mouth while they're talking? (Lisa James)
____ I wish I cloud proofread my statuses before I post them, but if their ain't no squiggly line under it, I ain't seeing ship. :/ (Lamija Husic)
____ If I’m weird around you, that means I’m comfortable with you. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I consider everyone here at MY STATUS IS BADDEST to be a national treasure to me. Of course I'm eating paste right now. (Eric Caro)
____ Why do people with bad breath always want to tell you secrets? (Shafique Khatri)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

____ I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I just finished playing Operation with my nephew. Sooo much blood. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "OMFG! The TITANIC sank! the TITANIC sank!" - My Facebook status update from 100 years ago today. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the privacy of my own mind. (James Baud)
____ In honor of my 100th post on MSIB, baconvodkastatusrockslotsoflikes. (Dave Murawski)
____ I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Pacman? (King Julien)
____ I just found an onion ring in my french fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind. :( (Jack Wagon)
____ "Wow - absolutely nobody is using the Internet today!" -Me, whenever nobody likes my posts. (Danny Coleiro)
____ You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves. (Priscilla Freer Beaulieu)
____ I asked for a bowl of Alphabet soup at a Mexican restaurant. I couldn't understand how to eat it. (Dow Jones)
____ Why do kids think answering an important phone call is code for “start screaming”?
(Sean Shipley)
____ When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans? (James Baud)
____ My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button. (Tom Guntorius)

Monday, April 16, 2012


____ My favorite ingredient in this trail mix is the Xanax. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I think they call it the LIFETIME network because when you are forced to watch one of those stupid shoes IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT. (Donny Norris)
____ Where does Wi-fi go when it dissappears? Probably just around the corner laughing at me. (Glenn Jamin)
____ The day after my birthday I changed my birthdate to the next day on Facebook to test a theory. Yup, nobody cared then either. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Last night my status was "sleeping naked." I got "likes" from 4 girls, 1 guy and 6 mosquitoes. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA! (Shannon Seymour)
____ Feminine sanitation jokes are inappropriate. Period. (Silas Nyaga Sub-Area)
____ I broke up with my treadmill. We're not working out. :( (Melissa Pineiro)
____ I'd jump in front of a train for you. As long as its not moving. (Pooja Pandey)
____ I failed a health and safety test at work today. The question was "What steps would you take if there was a fire?" "Big damn ones" was the wrong answer. (David Gall)
____ Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. (Egg Head)
____ It's called a car alarm but it only wakes me and never wakes the car. (Adam Apple)
____ Admit it! You're just afraid of the like button! (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Darth Vader had a helluva case of emphysema. (Lisa James)
____ I'm sure I'll regret posting this tomorrow. That's why I'm posting it TONIGHT! (Mustache Mann)

Friday, April 13, 2012

____ If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain then you should move to Puerto Rico cause that's were the drink was invented and it rains like seven months out of the year over there and also I will never have to hear you sing that stupid song again. (Donny Norris)
____ Drinking promotes freedom of speech. Call me tonight and I'll tell what I really think of you! (Carrie Leigh)
____ "I Love My Wife" bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating. (William Hale)
____ If one more person makes a crappy joke about poop I'm dung with them! (Juliet Rockspin)
____ M C SQUARE is Einstein's Rap Name. (Adam Apple)
____ I never cease to be amazed by the levels of awesomeness I achieve on a daily basis. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ There should be a warning label on Captain Crunch which reads: "WARNING: Will probably f*** the roof of your mouth up." (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ Eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes... THEY'RRRRRRRRRE alright, I guess (Mike Seriously)
____ I don't like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth. (Mikel Khalil)
____ That awkward moment when you post a funny status and there's that one person who ruins it by saying something serious. (Jason Fundora)
____ "You won’t like me when I’m angry. Becase I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources." – The Credible Hulk (William Hale)
____ The cop asked me for my papers. I gave him my Zig-Zags. I think he prefers Jokers. :{ (Mustache Mann)
____ I have lost my mojo. If anyone finds it, let me know. It's wearing lipgloss, fishnets and smells like JLO perfume. (Susan Evon Cross)
____ When people ask me Plz because it's shorter than please, I tell them no because it's shorter than yes. (Shannon Seymour)


____ Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it's a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I have an irrational fear of Disco Music...It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees. (Donny Norris)
____ What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they're NOT adopted? (Mustache Mann)
____ You know how we were raised by television? I dread the day someone tells me they were raised by Facebook. (Fadi BouKaram)
____ I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked. (Arthur Mabry)
____ Love beer = forced to work. (Matt Rogers)
____ I hate when people comment on a status just to comment even though it has nothing to do with the original status. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ My ex texted me this morning: "I Miss You Baby." I replied: "We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a sh*t." (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Sometimes, I lose sleep wondering if I'm one of those "F* comes that guy" guys. (Eric Caro)
____ These little "hug" juice "barrels" are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp, lets make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice? Let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar. (Dave Murawski)
____ We have Peeps in my country too, only we call them "sugar". (Danny Coleiro)
____ I have a sinking feeling we are gonna see some lame Titanic jokes. (Mys ter E)
____ My mom really doesn't like the idea of me being a stay at home dad. Especially with me not having a wife or any kids. (King Julien)
____ Random fact #1546: Men who help with housework also tend to get laid more often. (Jenni More)
____ I was just informed that some of my posts probably don't make it to this blog because I use too much profanity. I just don't see what the f*** the problem is here! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

____ I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words. (Donny Norris)
____ I decided to face reality today. Won't be doing that again in a hurry. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ The ideal man goes home early, doesn’t flirt, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble and doesn’t exist. (Quirky Sally)
____ I was SO excited at work when they told me I was chosen for a random drug test! Turns out you shouldn't ask which ones you get to test. :( (Nikki Sholar)
____ Whenever someone asks me for directions I just start making sh*t up. I still wonder if that guy ever found Kaka Street. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I'm starting to think people are having babies solely for the Facebook likes. (James Baud)
____ The highlight of last week: Replacing the creamy middles of several Oreos with Pepsodent & dropping them off in the break room at work. (Eddie Olsen)
____ I'm a very organized person. I plan my day in such a way that I don't have to get up from my couch except for going to the loo and some days not even that. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days. (Mustache Mann)
____ I just wrote go f*** yourself on a piece of paper and put it in the suggestion box at work. (Jack Wagon)
____ my New Year's Resolution is to stop making late decisions. (Adam Apple)
____ If I think you're hot and I want to have real and/or imaginary sex with you, I'm going to like your status even if it's stupid. (Kristi Baden)
____ I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I'm sorry...I can't start a status with such ridiculousness. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I hate when someone calls me arrogant. Especially when they're clearly beneath me. (Tanya De Vito McMahon)
____ Most women are searching for a man who has a heart of gold...So they can cut it out of him and go hock it. (Donny Norris)
____ Defibrilators should be programmed to play "Kickstart my heart" by Motley Crew when you use them. (Lisa James)
____ Thanks to Facebook, whenever I go to a really great restaurant, I never tip the server. Instead, I write "Bob likes this" on the wall, flash them a thumbs up and walk out. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I have a dark complexion. It matches my humor and my heart. (Lisa James)
____ Believe me, I have been trying really hard to pay attention to what you have to say, but somehow, "not giving a crap" always get in the way. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ "Like" this on credit and I will post something tomorrow. (Donny Norris)
____ Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web. (Jack Olivar)
____ Hey, people who upload full movies to YouTube, get a life! Also, thank you. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I'm thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me." (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window. (Donna Hudon)
____ My friends all think I'm hilarious, but they're all potheads so I think that cancels it out. (Justin John Bernard)
____ If a group of necrophiliacs met a group of zombies, who would be chasing who? (Adam Apple)
____ I think we need to bring back the original lawn darts (Jarts, with the steel pointed ends of death). Natural selection isn't always a bad thing. (Mustache Mann)
____ Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today's responsibilities tomorrow's problem. (Jack Wagon)
____ Contrary to popular opinion, all the normal rules of driving still apply in a parking lot. (Carrie Leigh)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

____ None of my friends ask if I want to know what they're thinking anymore. They just blurt it out on Facebook and hope I care. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I just passed a breathalyzer...back to the cop! Like I need THAT to know that I'm drunk. Idiot! (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm sad because my hamster died. Well, he's not "technically" dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn't those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing? (Jack Olivar)
____ Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people. (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ I pooped in a plastic egg and put it in my neighbors bushes. Cant wait for his annoying kid to find it. (Mys ter E)
____ My a$$hole neighbor has this unhealthy obsession with washing eggs off the side of his house and car. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ 11 airbags? Pretty soon cars will be padded, human sized hampster balls. (Lisa James)
____ Second only to my giant hamster ball for zombie defense is my razor blade hula hoop. (Donny Norris)
____ I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him! (Juliet Abram)
____ The smile on my face doesn't mean my life is perfect. It means I'm way too drunk to change my expression. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)