____ None of my friends ask if I want to know what they're thinking anymore. They just blurt it out on Facebook and hope I care. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I just passed a breathalyzer...back to the cop! Like I need THAT to know that I'm drunk. Idiot! (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm sad because my hamster died. Well, he's not "technically" dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn't those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing? (Jack Olivar)
____ Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people. (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ I pooped in a plastic egg and put it in my neighbors bushes. Cant wait for his annoying kid to find it. (Mys ter E)
____ My a$$hole neighbor has this unhealthy obsession with washing eggs off the side of his house and car. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ 11 airbags? Pretty soon cars will be padded, human sized hampster balls. (Lisa James)
____ Second only to my giant hamster ball for zombie defense is my razor blade hula hoop. (Donny Norris)
____ I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him! (Juliet Abram)
____ The smile on my face doesn't mean my life is perfect. It means I'm way too drunk to change my expression. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)