Tuesday, May 15, 2012

____ If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I was informed that all my statuses have sexual inuendos or booze in them. If you have a problem with that, I don't care. I'll be getting drunk and having sex. (Lisa James)
____ I don't understand fast food. I've been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower. (King Julien)
____ I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right". Is there a blinker thingy on here for wrong turns? (Mustache Mann)
____ "Half a dozen" - Because "six" is way too long. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you. (Carrie Leigh)
____ I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria. (Adam Apple)
____ Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops. (Donny Norris)
____ Don't hump to conclusions just because it's Wednesday. (Stephanie Manera)
____ 0 mutual friends, and you're not even from my country. How the hell did you find me!? (James Baud)
____ I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic. (Jack Wagon)
____ If I had a penny for every time someone has called me lazy...I'd have...Oh forget it, I'll count it later. (Shafique Khatri)
____ My wife is so hot. There's no air conditioning in the kitchen. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ Oh you got swag??? I bet that looks great on your welfare application. (Bald Beaver Hunter)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

____ Some people are so self-absorbed that they never stalk anybody.... Sickos (Donny Norris)
____ I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry. (King Julien)
____ Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post. (Tim Gauthier)
____ Just spilled a drop of my 5 Hour Energy Shot...I'm thinking 4 hours and 47 minutes now. (Dow Jones)
____ I saw a sign in the store that said "pants up to 80% off" so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on :( (Lisa James)
____ How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels? (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ I never form an opinion about someone until I really get to know them...unless they're a$$holes. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)

____ I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I saw a guy fall off his bike this morning. He looked around to see if anyone saw his fall. I made sure to make direct eye contact. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I like to run up and squeeze in with someone when they are walking through a revolving door. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ buying furniture from this store is not a very good Ikea. (Adam Apple)
____ If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape. (Sean Shipley)
____ Now that I'm drunk, I have the sudden urge to play Operation just to see if I could NOT kill someone. (Dave Murawski)
____ I hate those people who never complete their (Shafique Khatri)
____ I've just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone's taken the appendix out. (King Julien)
____ Everything magically appears when your wife looks for it. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I went running this morning! Yeah, apparently someone left the neighbor's gate opened and their pit bull got out. (Dow Jones)
____ You can tell what sort of a day it's going to be by whether I'm dressed for WalMart or for Target. (Paula Scholl Davis)
____ I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Before you judge me, know that I don't give a crap. Ok, go ahead. (Eric Caro)

____ I don't know why my wife insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit roll-ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... she knows damn well they wont fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box! (Jack Wagon)
____ This lady just told me that her coffee was superior to mine...Well Latte Da! (Donny Norris)
____ Well I just finished up some spring cleaning.  Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle. (Jack Olivar)
____ Whenever I see a mime performing on the street, I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money. (Adam Apple)

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

____ I was playing fetch with my neighbor's dog but he's too heavy to carry in my teeth and his fur tastes horrible. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ They should make car gas tanks more realistic, in the shape of asses. (Lisa James)
____ OH, IT'S ON NOW! -me, every time I switch the lights on. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ OMG! Debbie needs building supplies in Farmville and Josh played MOON on Words with Friends, OMG! OMG! OMG! (Donny Norris)
____ 5 push-ups today. Yep...went bra shopping with the wife. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ A wise woman once told me: (Tom Guntorius)
____ If I offer you some of my gummy bears, I am just trying to be polite. Don't you dare take any. (Connie Day)
____ Feel free to steal this status and pass it off as your own anytime! © 18 November, 2011 Danny Coleiro. All rights reserved. Portions of this document may not be reproduced through any means, including, but not limited to, scanning, uploading, reproduction, transmission, and distribution via the Internet or any other means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, photocopying or recording in any form, without express permission of the author. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you were really my friend, you would like my statuses, just because we're friends. (Quirky Sally)
____ People like you are the reason people like me take pills. And I'm ok with that. (Toni Daniels)
____ I wish that some people would realize that talking isn't necessary. (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ I don't like the term "stalking"...I prefer the term "aggressively pursuing a hopeful objective" or "collector of dolls made from your hair" (Justin John Bernard)
____ Good morning!!!! Just kidding. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ Men socialize by insulting each other but they really don't mean it. Women socialize by complimenting each other, they don't mean it either. (King Julien)
____ If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard. :/(Donny Norris)
____ Whoever said “Procrastination doesn’t pay” CLEARLY has never seen my average day at work. (Rae Broman)
____ My ideal job would be getting paid by a sassy black woman to back up all her statements with "mmmhmm!" And "Hooooo Damn! Girl!" (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Ok, I'm running a test to see who's reading my posts. Haha, no I'm not! I don't care who reads them. (Lisa James)
____...“and, so, that's where I'm at on the project, I couldn't have done it with out your input.” ~How I end every conversation when the boss walks in and catches me fraternizing with a fellow employee. (Donny Norris)
____ Mariah Carey doesn't have a TV in her bedroom so she has to watch Nick at night. (Mys ter E)
____ I'm not actually dangerously unbalanced. At most, I'm gracefully insane. (Sean Shipley)
____ I might put on a brave face, but those dolls with the glassy, blinking eyes freak me the hell out. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ If you put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig. A really hot pig, but still a pig. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Sometimes I make up words and slip them into conversations just to see if anyone is actually profettishing attention to what I'm saying. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I'm watching the rebroadcast of a game I never got to watch live and you tell me the score, I'll kill you. (King Julien)
____ This status is just a bookmark... so I know where I left off reading. (Jack Wagon)
____ The wife thinks I have a drinking problem. I think she has a bitching problem. (Dave Murawski)
____ Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Make no mistake, I am the BOSS in this house! BETTER OFF STAYING SILENT (Donny Norris)
____ Sometimes I click my heels 3 times before I shove them up your ass. For good luck. (Lisa James)
____ "Dear God, mama says that you aren't supposed to ask for money. So, if you could send me some gift cards I would be grateful." -my daughters (Carrie Leigh)
____ My mom loves to remind me of that birthday where I ran around in my diaper throwing cake at people. ITS BEEN A WHOLE YEAR MOM, LET'S MOVE ON. (Gerti Kola)
____ Monkeys probably make really funny faces when eating sour candies, but, thanks to PETA, we may never know. (Eric Caro)
____ My boss just gave me an award for Most Productive Employee for last month. I think our company is in BIG trouble. (Mys ter E)
____ 50 bucks says Jack & Diane gets a divorce. (Tom Guntorius)
____ The year is 1786. One man...on one horse...jumps over 14 carriages set on fire. Thus, the legend began for...Medieval Kenevil. (William Hale)
____ Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I'm scared that it's closed. (Lamija Husic)
____ I was given a disciplinary regarding my poor attendance at work. Unfortunately I couldn't make it. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I must learn to accept my own limitations. For example, I cannot dig a hole big enough nor deep enough to bury ALL the bodies. (Carrie Leigh)

____ This crazy chick figured out all the accounts I was stalking her with. What a psycho!! (Tom Guntorius)
____ The economy is so bad I just heard a guy ask a lady if she would like to go out for dinner OR a movie? (Donny Norris)
____ Uno gross face. (Just dusting up on my Spanish.) (Lisa James)
____ The easiest way for me to tell if a woman is really listening to me is if she rolls her eyes. (Nobo Dy)
____ Some stupid girl just called me immature which is ridiculous...because I'm 21 and a half. (King Julien)
____ I tried grilling a chicken at lunch time. "Ok, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?" (Shannon SeeMore)
____ My marriage is very successful because my spouse is a figment of my imagination. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I'm a firm believer in punctuality. So, what's wrong with showing up at the funeral home before my ex is dead? (Mustache Mann)
____ Took a random unmarked pill I found on the floor because times are tough and no matter what happens it'll make for a good Status. (James Baud)
____ I just found a giant booger under the desk. I will love him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and I will call him George. (Dave Prange)
____ I was invited to a penis recital...WTF? Oh my bad, it's a pianist recital. (Quirky Sally)
____ Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command. (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ I bet this status is not gonna make it to the blog. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Today I had some ice cream without sprinkles. Diets are brutal. (Jenni More)
____ So proud of myself. Even though I didn't make it to the gym earlier today, I got my ass up off the couch and changed the channel. (Stephanie Manera)
____ is having a screw driver...minus the orange juice. (Chasity Myers)
____ I'm glad you like my post. I just hope you don't try to comment and ruin it. (Ime Anass)
____ If you ever buy a toilette in which the manufacture states you can flush up to 15 golf balls without clogging it up, don't ever try it. That's all I am sayin'. (Beau Diggity)
____ I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option. (Quirky Sally)