____ Some people are so self-absorbed that they never stalk anybody.... Sickos (Donny Norris)
____ I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry. (King Julien)
____ Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post. (Tim Gauthier)
____ Just spilled a drop of my 5 Hour Energy Shot...I'm thinking 4 hours and 47 minutes now. (Dow Jones)
____ I saw a sign in the store that said "pants up to 80% off" so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on :( (Lisa James)
____ How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels? (Dave Hetterly IV)
____ I never form an opinion about someone until I really get to know them...unless they're a$$holes. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)

____ I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I saw a guy fall off his bike this morning. He looked around to see if anyone saw his fall. I made sure to make direct eye contact. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I like to run up and squeeze in with someone when they are walking through a revolving door. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ buying furniture from this store is not a very good Ikea. (Adam Apple)
____ If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape. (Sean Shipley)
____ Now that I'm drunk, I have the sudden urge to play Operation just to see if I could NOT kill someone. (Dave Murawski)
____ I hate those people who never complete their (Shafique Khatri)
____ I've just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone's taken the appendix out. (King Julien)
____ Everything magically appears when your wife looks for it. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I went running this morning! Yeah, apparently someone left the neighbor's gate opened and their pit bull got out. (Dow Jones)
____ You can tell what sort of a day it's going to be by whether I'm dressed for WalMart or for Target. (Paula Scholl Davis)
____ I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Before you judge me, know that I don't give a crap. Ok, go ahead. (Eric Caro)

____ I don't know why my wife insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit roll-ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... she knows damn well they wont fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box! (Jack Wagon)
____ This lady just told me that her coffee was superior to mine...Well Latte Da! (Donny Norris)
____ Well I just finished up some spring cleaning.  Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle. (Jack Olivar)
____ Whenever I see a mime performing on the street, I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money. (Adam Apple)