Tuesday, June 26, 2012


____ I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health.  The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk. (Jack Olivar)
____ My favorite shape is the vicious circle. (Lisa James)
____ The 3D version of the alphabet: A B C D D D E F ... (Adam Apple)
____ Note to self: Blaming the chair doesn't work when the fart was silent. (Donny Norris)
____ To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though. (Hollywood Allan)
____ If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too. We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first. (King Julien)
____ I'm beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ I hate when I forget my password... then have to waste 30 seconds of my life to reset it! (Jack Wagon)
____ I am going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, you can just tell them I'm outstanding. (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ That awkward moment when you compliment a guy's belt buckle...and I really hope that I don't have to explain why this is awkward. (Eric Caro)
____ I am going to concentrate on what's important in life. I'm going to strive everyday to be a kind and generous and loving person. After that I am going to sprout wings and fly to the moon. (Dottie Dunlap Mabry)
____ Its a funny sensation, holding a cold beer with your thighs while typing a Facebook status. (Dave Murawski)
____ My girlfriend told me to grow a pear...What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider? (Erek Beard)
____ I saw a sign today that almost made me piss myself. It said: "Bathrooms closed" (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ I have to confess, I'm so far out of the loop, I only get about half your jokes. (Quirky Sally)
____ 9 out of 10 doctors say that other doctor is a dumbsh*t. (Tom Guntorius)
____ My sleep number... is actually a very complex choreographed jazz hands routine. (Jack Wagon)
____ After witnessing a strip search at the police station I now understand why it's called a crack rock. (Donny Norris)
____ sometimes i wish that instead of a finger poking people it were a knife. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets. (Travis Wheat)
____ I dont need anyone to put me out of my misery, that's what booze is for. (Lisa James)
____ According to a recent study by the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people (Shafique Khatri)
____ Click "like" if you can see this status. (Eric Caro)

Monday, June 25, 2012

Snarky comments on Facebook


____ I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP! (Mustache Mann)
____ These birds I have for sale are just flying off the shelves. (Lisa James)
____ I dont have an iPhone. I can barely afford aPhone (Mys ter E)
____ You know those little music boxes with the ballerina on top? You know when it's just sitting there and you didn't wind it up or nothing? You know when the little ballerina's back is turned to you? You know when the music box plays three sour notes just out of the blue and the little ballerina twists around to face you? Yeah, that's scary as hell. (Donny Norris)
____ I wish making friends didn't involve talking to strangers. (King Julien)
____ I was just totally swept off my feet by this guy at the bar. Well, not my feet exactly, but this bar stool. Ok, maybe not swept per se, but...Alright, fine! I fell off the bar stool while he was watching. Happy now? (Mya Sisnice)
____ The total confusion exhibited at four-way stops makes me wonder how much longer we'll be at the top of the food chain. (Sean Shipley)
____ Some dyslexic people don't know their bowels from their elbows. (Adam Apple)
____ It's okay when Daisy Duck walks around in high heels and with no pants on but when I do it people are all "this is a church, young lady." (Wendy Pickering)
____ There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house. (Eric Caro)
____ How do you say, "YOU'RE A DOUCHE-BAG" in YOUR language? Asking for a friend*.
*everyone that knows you. (Mustache Mann)
____ Okay guys, seriously, thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk. (Gary Hensley)
____ This status would have been original but I had to copy and paste the word "original" because my dumass can't spel. (Rick Gilstrap)
____ If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I am about to dig up that time capsule I buried as a kid. Can't wait to see how much my puppy grew! (Susan Evon Cross)
____ I always look around the bar to see what level of women are there before I decide what level of drunk I have to become. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ Just sitting here at Wal-Mart watching the pajama convention. (Ime Anass)
____ Of all of the things I miss the most, my wife says the toilet is the most annoying. (Mys ter E)
____ People with no talent/skills have really got it made. No one's ever asking them to help out with anything. (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ Putting icy hot on the door handles of the bathroom stalls makes for an interesting day. (Dave Murawski)
____ I added some bath salts to my weed and now I want to munchie your face off. (Lisa James)
____ Freaks come out at night. I should know. I went out last night. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Just got a stain on my shirt but it's ok because life is meaningless. (Adam Apple)
____ I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I love all of you on this page, except for those who don't have pet unicorns. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I've always wanted to be around when someone says pandemonium is breaking out because I love pandas. (Jack Olivar)


Thursday, June 21, 2012


____ If that old woman who lived in a shoe lived in one of mine she would have slit her wrists shortly after moving in. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's ok. (Jack Wagon)
____ Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty. (Mustache Mann)
____ I don't want this status. You can have it. (Lisa James)
____ Sometimes I feel like people are just using me for my likes. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ My son graduated from high school yesterday. That means I can finally stop cutting up his food for him, right? (Toni Daniels)
____ I've always wanted to know how long "forever" was, and by looking at some people's Facebook relationships it appears to be around 2 to 4 weeks. (Chris Batchelor)
____ Brussel Sprouts are victims of cannibalistic, witch doctor cabbages...and that's why I refuse to eat them. (Donny Norris)
____ Sorry guys, I had to step away for a few days. It was my turn to be the lead singer of Journey. (Funni Cide)
____ To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really bitchy when I dropped my son off.(Todd Landon Wildig)

____ Roses are red, Violets are red, Shrubs are red, Trees are red, OMG! My yard is on fire! (Cedric Stanley)
____ F.Y.I.  a slice of bread does not substitute as toilet paper (Dave Murawski)
____ The last time I was asked out by a man, he was the bartender and I'd apparently "had enough". (Chesty La Rue)
____ I need to do a pregnancy test, but I'm worried that the questions are going to be too hard (Lamija Husic)
____ I'm on vacation......BUT MY LIVER IS WORKING OVERTIME!!! (Eric Caro)
____ Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days', they always seem to stop at 1973. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what? (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm just $999,999 away from being a millionaire! (Shonda MobWife White)
____ My coworker just spent 30 minutes talking about the deal she got on rubber bands. Ok, it may have only been 1 minute, but it took a good 29 to remove her spleen with a chainsaw. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I think it's so funny how my teen wants so much to post on my wall and let everyone know that I fart a lot when I'm at home but she can't cause I blocked her. Nice try.(Stephanie Manera)
____ Started belly dancing today. Didn't have to do much at all, just gave a little shake and belly danced all on its own.  (Donna Hudon)
____ I was going to tell you a joke about pizza. But nevermind, it's too cheesy. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I got 98.988 problems and rounding up is one of them. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ I don't get you women. Candles are romantic. Homemade gifts are romantic. How are these ear wax candles I just lit "killing the mood"? (Jack Olivar)
____ Fluffed Marshmallow flavored Vodka, WTF? I'm a grown up, so can I get vodka flavored vodka? PLEASE? (Carrie Leigh)
____ I ain't sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.(Christina Breazeale)

Thursday, June 14, 2012

____ My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise. (Donny Norris)
____ Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party. :-( (Eric Caro)
____ My favorite color is beer. (Tom Guntorius)
____ "Um, isn't it on the back of the car?" Another thing NOT to say when a cop asks you to see your license. (Mustache Mann)
____ I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?" (Jack Wagon)
____ They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, I'm in a posh restaurant right now, and I've got a spider in a matchbox that says otherwise. (Danny Coleiro)
____ What part of the potato do tots come from? (Matt Procella)
____ God I hope this guy was already dead before we started making out. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car. (Jason Mykl Snyman)
____ Check it out! They're are no typos in this post! (Mys ter E)
____ A woodpecker just called me a paranoid little weirdo in morse code. (Adam Apple)
____ There should be an eject button in cars for people who touch my perfectly positioned vents. (James Baud)
____ which is why I start sentences in the middle. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I get out of my car a lot faster now that I've made Fran Drescher the voice on my GPS. (Jacob Grant)
____ Something is bliss, I forget what. And I'm OK with that. (Rajat Behl)
____ If I found apple slices in my Happy Meal when I was a kid, I would have lost my damn mind. (Connie Day)
____ Nothing screams "annoying douchebag" like the ladies I try to hit on. (Gerti Kola)
____ Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button. (King Julien)
____ I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look. (Toni Daniels)
____ Giving someone a trash bag full of yellow Starbursts is so much more fulfilling than saying "I hate you". (Shannon Seymour)
____ I just don't understand my next door neighbour. He keeps going on about how he'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but he went mental when he found out I'd put cameras all over his house. (Mya Sisnice)
____ There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: You have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. (Ben Barton)
____ The awkward moment when you accidentally press "like" on your ex's status update. (MindFreak Covert Operative)

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

____ Anyone with 600 Facebook friends shouldn't have to take their own picture. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ People who say "cash money" are "idiots dummies." (Juliet Rockspin)
____ I'll know love when I see it. That's why I refuse to get corrective lenses. (Mustache Mann)
____ Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday. (Carrie Danley)
____ Today, I saw a license plate frame "My car, daddy's money" on a battered Chevy Aveo. Daddy had 600 bucks, eh? Calm down, princess. (Donna Binky West)
____ Wow, my neighbours get horrible phone reception under their bed. (Kylie Toyne)
____ "Hi...are my nipples even?" Today's elevator greeting. Wish me luck! (Toni Daniels)
____ Rice cakes do not taste like cake at all. Lies! All Lies! (Lisa James)
____ I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on. Some people think it looks funny, but I personally think it makes a lovely hat. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to us ladies to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. (Jenni More)
____ When someone I don't know likes one of my statuses I think, "Will this be the story we tell our grandkids?" (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If I ever got a job at Disney, I'd probably say "What kinda Mickey Mouse operation is this!?" so much I'd be fired by lunchtime. (Eric Caro)
____ If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor. (Mike Seriously)
____ Read this status carefully. It's never going to make the blog, and it'll be gone forever when a few more posts knock it off the page. And then you'll be sorry.(Danny Coleiro)
____ I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses. (Shannon Seymour)
____ WooHoo! I just won $500 on a lottery ticket. I just knew buying 1000 tickets today was a good investment (Mys ter E)
____ I hate waking up after a night of drinking to realize I spent a bunch of money on something stupid. Anyway, I'm off to the airport to pick up my Russian mail order bride. (Sean Shipley)
____ I just snatched your little ray of freaking sunshine and flushed it down the toilet. How ya feeling now? (Carrie Leigh)
____ It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a Penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire text. A man is still looking at his thumb. (Egg Head)
____ I wish my cat would stop thinking outside the box. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Sometimes I'll add in a "haha" so I don't seem so murderous. haha. (Rajat Behl)
____ Friday: YES, ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WTF just happened?! (Andrew Lyngwa)
____ I don't like the way water looks at me. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol. (Slinky Shrupti)
____ I went to fill out a job application today. When I got to: "position applying for", I wrote "yours" followed by a ";-)" and an "LOL". I think I NAILED it! (Mustache Mann)
____ There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who learn by reading, those who learn by observing and those of us who just HAVE to pee on the electric fence. (Carrie Leigh)


____ Why is it okay for ladies to walk around in men's boxers in public but when I wear my wife's thong outside people call the cops? (Eddie Olsen)
____ When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I'm tripping first. (Rhoda Noland)
____ 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d. (James Baud)
____ Check it out! They're are no typos in this post! (Mys ter E)
____ "Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you." (Donny Norris)
____ If you've never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie should adopt me. (Adam Apple)
____ Hi Google earth, please update location 4.025639 - 39.423074. I am sitting on the toilet in my yard. Thank You. (Chris Hallman)
____ Poor alcohol. It gets blamed for everything. (Mike Seriously)
____ I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night. I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand. (Mustache Mann)
____ If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I am just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine. (Carrie Danley)
____ I don't give a damn how old I am. When I come across bubble wrap, my inner 5 year old is coming out. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ By the time someone says "long story short" it's already too long. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Apparently, armored truck drivers don’t really like surprise hugs as much as I thought they would. (William Hale)
____ I tried to donate my blood but it got too close to a flame and caught on fire. (Lisa James)
____ just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work. ;p (Toni Daniels)
____ Everytime I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!" (Tiffany Mobley)
____ When life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide. (Lindsay Christensen)
____ Admit it, at least once in your life, you've tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position. (Vignesh Mallya)
____ I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. (Chris Batchelor)
____ I just invented an app for my phone that changes my ex-wife's swear words to something more soothing, like, "bacon". It was nice to hear her yelling "I think that you are the BIGGEST piece of BACON I've ever met!" Followed by, "I hope you rot in BACON!" Instead of being upset, I'm hungry! (Tim Gauthier)
____ "Hahaha, nice!" = "I'd like you to stop talking to me now." (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ The Past, the Present, and the Future walked into a bar. It was tense. (Kayla Campbell)
____ How the hell do ballet dancers spin around so much and not get dizzy? I spin around twice on my seat at work and I vomit in the trash can. (Jack Olivar)

25 Facebook Status updates chock full of sarcasm and smart-ass:

____ The more laundry I do, the less crazy nudists seem. (Carrie Leigh)
____ STD's are like flyers. I don't want them but people on the street are always giving them to me anyway. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I don't have health insurance but I do have car insurance so whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I know there are people who really want to hate me, but it's nearly impossible when I'm kinda, sorta, REALLY amazing. (Eric Caro)
____ I'll never forget the first time my son said "I love you, Dad!" He was talking to the mailman, BUT how cute is that? (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm gonna paint the town red tonight cuz I'm REALLY into vandalism. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today. (Toni Daniels)
____ I appreciate the transparency that the Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" and "5 second rule" are a bit much. (William Hale)
____ To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What’s yours? (Tom Guntorius)
____ Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far, far away...and everything else in a big pile. (Gary Hensley)
____ Curling irons have a warning tag, saying "for external use only". Which one of you sick mofos made that necessary? (Dennis Scott King)
____ Symptoms may include insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, nausea, stroke or heart attack. (shrugs) At least my headache is gone. (Carrie Leigh)
____ "Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" said no one, ever. (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ Facebook just suggested that I "like" the exact beer brand I'm drinking right now. Currently searching my home for hidden cameras and plotting my escape. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ The only reason I wear a cape is because I'm super broke. (Mike Seriously)
____ I hate to bother any of you but, could one of you get me a case of beer? This alcohol poisoning has me stuck at home. :((Tim Gauthier)
____ Morning Mom Tip #843: A high ponytail is not only a quick and easy way to dress up an otherwise neglected head of hair, but if done tightly enough, it will keep your eyelids open just enough to see where the hell you're driving. (Jenni More)
____ I've recently put three girls in the "friend zone " so they can know how it feels for once. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I'm not saying you're stupid. I'm using hand puppets and other visual aids to explain it in a way you can understand. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I've understood a lot more of your statuses since I had the lobotomy. (Mustache Mann)
____ Did you see the new internet Barbie? It looks like a middle aged fat guy. (Adam Apple)
____ I came. I saw. I read. I shook my head. I left. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ My coffee started talking to me this morning and all I could think was, "This is NOT how I like my women." (William Hale)
____ My doctor is a weirdo, He keeps telling me I have a problem with my earring and I don't even have my ear pierced. (Hollywood Allan)
____ If one more penguin comes up and tells me I'm hallucinating, I'm going to beat it to death with it's own pogo stick. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Peek-a-boo! I see you! Cause I'm up here in the tree stalking you. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I speak fluent apology. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm not stalking. I'm concerned...all the time...about all things in your life. (Jack Olivar)
____ Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line by paying for their groceries with a check. (William Hale)
____ I'm not an addict, but if you have stuff I love, you are my bestest friend. (Slinky Shrupti)
____ My wife is eating tortilla chips. It sounds like she's eating glass shards and gravel. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ So this guy corrected my "good morning" with a "good afternoon" and I was all.. "go to hell you clock-watching freak"! (Shafique Khatri)
____ Just posted on my wall that Facebook wont let me post on my wall. Asked for help. 3 people posted advice and 5 others inboxed me. I NEED SMARTER FRIENDS. (Eddie Olsen)
____ "It is not the tuna" -Arnold Schwarzenegger, getting the wrong sandwich. (Lisa James)
____ Asses are made to be sat on and not spoken from. (Nikki Sholar)
____ Well I'm turning 40 in a few days and to celebrate, instead of planting a bunch of pink flamingos in my yard, I'm gonna bury all the exes that stole my youth. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ I really think you should change your mind. The one you have now SUCKS! (Mustache Mann)
____ If you ever want to feel stupid, read your Facebook status updates to someone who isn't on Facebook. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ So, I googled douchbag and BAM, there you were! (Carrie Leigh)
____ What if there's money hidden behind every wall in my house? What if there's a sale on sledgehammers? What if sh*t's about to get crazy? (Mike Seriously)
____ If you are always posting status updates about your “HATERS”, chances are I'm one of them. (Rae Broman)
____ Whoa! Just because I stalk you...doesn't mean you have the right to talk to me! (Jack Wagon)
____ Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I'll read 4 or 5 status updates and I'll cry, because they suck and I realize that I've wasted 2 or 3 minutes of my life that I can never get back; but then I smile, because I remember that there's leftover pizza from last night in the refrigerator. (Dow Jones)
____ Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Never tell a woman to calm down when she's drunk, it's like baptizing a cat. It's not gonna work. (Nikki Sholar)
____ Never trust anybody that won't lie for you. (Matt Procella)
____ I've been sober for 136 days now. Not in a row, but still. (Adam Apple)