____ I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk. (Jack Olivar)
____ My favorite shape is the vicious circle. (Lisa James)
____ The 3D version of the alphabet: A B C D D D E F ... (Adam Apple)
____ Note to self: Blaming the chair doesn't work when the fart was silent. (Donny Norris)
____ To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though. (Hollywood Allan)
____ If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too. We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first. (King Julien)
____ I'm beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ I hate when I forget my password... then have to waste 30 seconds of my life to reset it! (Jack Wagon)
____ I am going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, you can just tell them I'm outstanding. (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ That awkward moment when you compliment a guy's belt buckle...and I really hope that I don't have to explain why this is awkward. (Eric Caro)
____ I am going to concentrate on what's important in life. I'm going to strive everyday to be a kind and generous and loving person. After that I am going to sprout wings and fly to the moon. (Dottie Dunlap Mabry)
____ Its a funny sensation, holding a cold beer with your thighs while typing a Facebook status. (Dave Murawski)
____ My girlfriend told me to grow a pear...What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider? (Erek Beard)
____ I saw a sign today that almost made me piss myself. It said: "Bathrooms closed" (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ I have to confess, I'm so far out of the loop, I only get about half your jokes. (Quirky Sally)
____ 9 out of 10 doctors say that other doctor is a dumbsh*t. (Tom Guntorius)
____ My sleep number... is actually a very complex choreographed jazz hands routine. (Jack Wagon)
____ After witnessing a strip search at the police station I now understand why it's called a crack rock. (Donny Norris)
____ sometimes i wish that instead of a finger poking people it were a knife. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets. (Travis Wheat)
____ I dont need anyone to put me out of my misery, that's what booze is for. (Lisa James)
____ According to a recent study by the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people (Shafique Khatri)
____ Click "like" if you can see this status. (Eric Caro)
