____ If one more penguin comes up and tells me I'm hallucinating, I'm going to beat it to death with it's own pogo stick. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Peek-a-boo! I see you! Cause I'm up here in the tree stalking you. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I speak fluent apology. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm not stalking. I'm concerned...all the time...about all things in your life. (Jack Olivar)
____ Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line by paying for their groceries with a check. (William Hale)
____ I'm not an addict, but if you have stuff I love, you are my bestest friend. (Slinky Shrupti)
____ My wife is eating tortilla chips. It sounds like she's eating glass shards and gravel. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ So this guy corrected my "good morning" with a "good afternoon" and I was all.. "go to hell you clock-watching freak"! (Shafique Khatri)
____ Just posted on my wall that Facebook wont let me post on my wall. Asked for help. 3 people posted advice and 5 others inboxed me. I NEED SMARTER FRIENDS. (Eddie Olsen)
____ "It is not the tuna" -Arnold Schwarzenegger, getting the wrong sandwich. (Lisa James)
____ Asses are made to be sat on and not spoken from. (Nikki Sholar)
____ Well I'm turning 40 in a few days and to celebrate, instead of planting a bunch of pink flamingos in my yard, I'm gonna bury all the exes that stole my youth. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ I really think you should change your mind. The one you have now SUCKS! (Mustache Mann)
____ If you ever want to feel stupid, read your Facebook status updates to someone who isn't on Facebook. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ So, I googled douchbag and BAM, there you were! (Carrie Leigh)
____ What if there's money hidden behind every wall in my house? What if there's a sale on sledgehammers? What if sh*t's about to get crazy? (Mike Seriously)
____ If you are always posting status updates about your “HATERS”, chances are I'm one of them. (Rae Broman)
____ Whoa! Just because I stalk you...doesn't mean you have the right to talk to me! (Jack Wagon)
____ Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I'll read 4 or 5 status updates and I'll cry, because they suck and I realize that I've wasted 2 or 3 minutes of my life that I can never get back; but then I smile, because I remember that there's leftover pizza from last night in the refrigerator. (Dow Jones)
____ Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers. (Juliet Rockspin)
____ Never tell a woman to calm down when she's drunk, it's like baptizing a cat. It's not gonna work. (Nikki Sholar)
____ Never trust anybody that won't lie for you. (Matt Procella)
____ I've been sober for 136 days now. Not in a row, but still. (Adam Apple)