____ If that old woman who lived in a shoe lived in one of mine she would have slit her wrists shortly after moving in. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's ok. (Jack Wagon)
____ Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty. (Mustache Mann)
____ I don't want this status. You can have it. (Lisa James)
____ Sometimes I feel like people are just using me for my likes. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ My son graduated from high school yesterday. That means I can finally stop cutting up his food for him, right? (Toni Daniels)
____ I've always wanted to know how long "forever" was, and by looking at some people's Facebook relationships it appears to be around 2 to 4 weeks. (Chris Batchelor)
____ Brussel Sprouts are victims of cannibalistic, witch doctor cabbages...and that's why I refuse to eat them. (Donny Norris)
____ Sorry guys, I had to step away for a few days. It was my turn to be the lead singer of Journey. (Funni Cide)
____ To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really bitchy when I dropped my son off.(Todd Landon Wildig)
____ Roses are red, Violets are red, Shrubs are red, Trees are red, OMG! My yard is on fire! (Cedric Stanley)
____ F.Y.I. a slice of bread does not substitute as toilet paper (Dave Murawski)
____ The last time I was asked out by a man, he was the bartender and I'd apparently "had enough". (Chesty La Rue)
____ I need to do a pregnancy test, but I'm worried that the questions are going to be too hard (Lamija Husic)
____ I'm on vacation......BUT MY LIVER IS WORKING OVERTIME!!! (Eric Caro)
____ Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days', they always seem to stop at 1973. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what? (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm just $999,999 away from being a millionaire! (Shonda MobWife White)
____ My coworker just spent 30 minutes talking about the deal she got on rubber bands. Ok, it may have only been 1 minute, but it took a good 29 to remove her spleen with a chainsaw. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I think it's so funny how my teen wants so much to post on my wall and let everyone know that I fart a lot when I'm at home but she can't cause I blocked her. Nice try.(Stephanie Manera)
____ Started belly dancing today. Didn't have to do much at all, just gave a little shake and belly danced all on its own. (Donna Hudon)
____ I was going to tell you a joke about pizza. But nevermind, it's too cheesy. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I got 98.988 problems and rounding up is one of them. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ I don't get you women. Candles are romantic. Homemade gifts are romantic. How are these ear wax candles I just lit "killing the mood"? (Jack Olivar)
____ Fluffed Marshmallow flavored Vodka, WTF? I'm a grown up, so can I get vodka flavored vodka? PLEASE? (Carrie Leigh)
____ I ain't sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.(Christina Breazeale)
