Wednesday, June 13, 2012

25 Facebook Status updates chock full of sarcasm and smart-ass:

____ The more laundry I do, the less crazy nudists seem. (Carrie Leigh)
____ STD's are like flyers. I don't want them but people on the street are always giving them to me anyway. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I don't have health insurance but I do have car insurance so whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I know there are people who really want to hate me, but it's nearly impossible when I'm kinda, sorta, REALLY amazing. (Eric Caro)
____ I'll never forget the first time my son said "I love you, Dad!" He was talking to the mailman, BUT how cute is that? (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm gonna paint the town red tonight cuz I'm REALLY into vandalism. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today. (Toni Daniels)
____ I appreciate the transparency that the Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" and "5 second rule" are a bit much. (William Hale)
____ To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What’s yours? (Tom Guntorius)
____ Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far, far away...and everything else in a big pile. (Gary Hensley)
____ Curling irons have a warning tag, saying "for external use only". Which one of you sick mofos made that necessary? (Dennis Scott King)
____ Symptoms may include insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, nausea, stroke or heart attack. (shrugs) At least my headache is gone. (Carrie Leigh)
____ "Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" said no one, ever. (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ Facebook just suggested that I "like" the exact beer brand I'm drinking right now. Currently searching my home for hidden cameras and plotting my escape. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ The only reason I wear a cape is because I'm super broke. (Mike Seriously)
____ I hate to bother any of you but, could one of you get me a case of beer? This alcohol poisoning has me stuck at home. :((Tim Gauthier)
____ Morning Mom Tip #843: A high ponytail is not only a quick and easy way to dress up an otherwise neglected head of hair, but if done tightly enough, it will keep your eyelids open just enough to see where the hell you're driving. (Jenni More)
____ I've recently put three girls in the "friend zone " so they can know how it feels for once. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I'm not saying you're stupid. I'm using hand puppets and other visual aids to explain it in a way you can understand. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I've understood a lot more of your statuses since I had the lobotomy. (Mustache Mann)
____ Did you see the new internet Barbie? It looks like a middle aged fat guy. (Adam Apple)
____ I came. I saw. I read. I shook my head. I left. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ My coffee started talking to me this morning and all I could think was, "This is NOT how I like my women." (William Hale)
____ My doctor is a weirdo, He keeps telling me I have a problem with my earring and I don't even have my ear pierced. (Hollywood Allan)