____ My biggest fear is that I have already discovered time travel and I will bump into myself and spoil the surprise. (Donny Norris)
____ Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party. :-( (Eric Caro)
____ My favorite color is beer. (Tom Guntorius)
____ "Um, isn't it on the back of the car?" Another thing NOT to say when a cop asks you to see your license. (Mustache Mann)
____ I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?" (Jack Wagon)
____ They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, I'm in a posh restaurant right now, and I've got a spider in a matchbox that says otherwise. (Danny Coleiro)
____ What part of the potato do tots come from? (Matt Procella)
____ God I hope this guy was already dead before we started making out. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car. (Jason Mykl Snyman)
____ Check it out! They're are no typos in this post! (Mys ter E)
____ A woodpecker just called me a paranoid little weirdo in morse code. (Adam Apple)
____ There should be an eject button in cars for people who touch my perfectly positioned vents. (James Baud)
____ which is why I start sentences in the middle. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I get out of my car a lot faster now that I've made Fran Drescher the voice on my GPS. (Jacob Grant)
____ Something is bliss, I forget what. And I'm OK with that. (Rajat Behl)
____ If I found apple slices in my Happy Meal when I was a kid, I would have lost my damn mind. (Connie Day)
____ Nothing screams "annoying douchebag" like the ladies I try to hit on. (Gerti Kola)
____ Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button. (King Julien)
____ I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look. (Toni Daniels)
____ Giving someone a trash bag full of yellow Starbursts is so much more fulfilling than saying "I hate you". (Shannon Seymour)
____ I just don't understand my next door neighbour. He keeps going on about how he'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but he went mental when he found out I'd put cameras all over his house. (Mya Sisnice)
____ There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: You have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. (Ben Barton)
____ The awkward moment when you accidentally press "like" on your ex's status update. (MindFreak Covert Operative)