____ Why is it okay for ladies to walk around in men's boxers in public but when I wear my wife's thong outside people call the cops? (Eddie Olsen)
____ When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I'm tripping first. (Rhoda Noland)
____ 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d. (James Baud)
____ Check it out! They're are no typos in this post! (Mys ter E)
____ "Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you." (Donny Norris)
____ If you've never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie should adopt me. (Adam Apple)
____ Hi Google earth, please update location 4.025639 - 39.423074. I am sitting on the toilet in my yard. Thank You. (Chris Hallman)
____ Poor alcohol. It gets blamed for everything. (Mike Seriously)
____ I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night. I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand. (Mustache Mann)
____ If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I am just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine. (Carrie Danley)
____ I don't give a damn how old I am. When I come across bubble wrap, my inner 5 year old is coming out. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ By the time someone says "long story short" it's already too long. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Apparently, armored truck drivers don’t really like surprise hugs as much as I thought they would. (William Hale)
____ I tried to donate my blood but it got too close to a flame and caught on fire. (Lisa James)
____ just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work. ;p (Toni Daniels)
____ Everytime I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!" (Tiffany Mobley)
____ When life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide. (Lindsay Christensen)
____ Admit it, at least once in your life, you've tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position. (Vignesh Mallya)
____ I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. (Chris Batchelor)
____ I just invented an app for my phone that changes my ex-wife's swear words to something more soothing, like, "bacon". It was nice to hear her yelling "I think that you are the BIGGEST piece of BACON I've ever met!" Followed by, "I hope you rot in BACON!" Instead of being upset, I'm hungry! (Tim Gauthier)
____ "Hahaha, nice!" = "I'd like you to stop talking to me now." (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ The Past, the Present, and the Future walked into a bar. It was tense. (Kayla Campbell)
____ How the hell do ballet dancers spin around so much and not get dizzy? I spin around twice on my seat at work and I vomit in the trash can. (Jack Olivar)
