45 FUNNY STATUS UPDATES FROM MY READERS:

____ I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it's just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I'm drunk. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ If I had a kid I'd name him Marbles. That way when I eventually misplaced him and I tell people I lost my Marbles, they'd think I was being funny instead of being a neglectful father. (Jack Olivar)
____ Dijon found himself spread upon a bed lettuce atop a thin slice of turkey breast...enveloped by steamy buns...garnished with a sweet, sweet pickle... ~Excerpt from my new book "50 SHADES OF GREY POUPON." (Donny Norris)
____ I always feel sorry for the person behind me at the bottle return line (Dave Murawski)
____ Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited. (King Julien)
____ My refrigerator stopped running. Quick, give me some kids phone numbers! (Lisa James)
____ I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn't post it. It needs some work. (Jack Olivar)
____ This strip mall isn't at all what I thought it was. Well, this is embarrassing. :( (Jack Wagon)
____ The old man was so drunk last night that when he walked across the dance floor to go the the restroom, he won a dance contest. (Quirky Sally)
____ Days when my underwear matches my outfit make me feel like I've really got it together. (Liz Barrand)
____ I don't like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really!? You think someone else might want one?! (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means. (Gary Hensley)
____ I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients? (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ Working in a crematorium is a sure-fire way to urn a living. (Jack Wagon)
____ My job at the nonstick bakeware factory isn't panning out. (Lisa James)
____ Goodmorning fellow friends. Today we're going to talk about Creativity. You see, creativity is...umm hold on a sec. Google is still loading. (Daniel Ngwane)
____ I hate people who can't make up their minds. I love them. (Chesty La Rue)
____ If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy. (Matt Procella)
____ Look up in the sky...It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a...oh wait...it's a plane. (King Julien)
____ My nickname at work is "Why do you work here?" (Eric Caro)
____ Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. Its just a picture book with women bitching. (Lisa James)
____ When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.(Hollywood Allan)
____ Time heals all wounds...unless it's infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm listening to Slayer while doing dishes for 8 dollars an hour. I don't think there really needs to be a suicide note. (Matt Procella)
____ i just rocked down to Electric avenue, and then I took it higher. I am now awaiting further instructions. (Brad Smith)
____ I love it when my daughter says "Daddy, Daddy! I went potty all by myself! But then hate it when she holds out her hand and says "See!?" :( (Jack Wagon)
____ Guess who's got an amazing sense of direction? That's right ─────> (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I'm a kleptomaniac. It's ok though, I'm taking something for it. (Rajat Behl)
____ My son needed a Bone Marrow transplant & we found a perfect match in Argentina. The operation took place & was a great success. My thanks go out to Diego, Marrow Donor. (King Julien)
____ I'm done poking you guys. I just can't handle the abandonment when I poke and you disappear. :( (Toni Daniels)
____ This morning I was speaking with President Obama over the phone telling him how much I love to make up stories to post on MSIB. (King Julien)
____ Listen up people, don't ever let anyone push you around. Unless you are in a wagon, because that is fun as hell...especially drunk. (Jack Olivar)
____ What if you took a drug in another reality, and this whole life is the high? (Chesty La Rue)
____ I just got a Booty Call from Life. Apparently it still wants to keep screwing me. (Enrico Hartzenberg)
____ I have so much sand in my ass from the beach I have already made four little fartcastles on the floor. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ Jeez, drive into the hood with a tow truck and everyone runs to their cars. (Dave Murawski)
____ What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess. (King Julien)
____ I changed all the clocks to 5:00 and my boss is still a douche.(Lisa James)
____ Shaved head, pierced tongue and bisexual at 11 years old? I think it's time for Willow Smith to move with her auntie and uncle in Bel Air. (Tico Bethea)
____ My Neighbor doesn't think it's funny that I put his name on the sex offenders list and then put a trail of skittles from the park to his door. (Connie Day)
____ I was doing shadow puppets for my kid on my porch. All of a sudden five thugs beat the living crap out of me. Aparently the double crocodile is a bad gang sign. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ "Siri...find my weed!" (Toni Daniels)
____ It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.(Hollywood Allan)

17 FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FOR YOU TO USE. YOU'RE WELCOME.

____ Hey, person I went to high school with: If your Facebook friend request is more communication than we had in high school, the answer is no. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ The first rule of foot up your ass club is stfu. (Lisa James)
____ "My nickname is "Snooze" because I get hit on a lot!" - A really funny joke between me and my tenth margarita, as I sit here drinking alone. (Mya Sisnice)
____ All this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist. (Jack Olivar)
____ When I die I want my gravestone to say, "Don't just stand there, water my flowers!!" (Donna Scott)
____ What is wrong with me!!!? Asking for a friend. (Eric Caro)
____ Roses are red and violets are blue, which makes "violet" a really stupid name for them. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop. (Lisa James)
____ I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past. It's partly why I became a bus driver. (King Julien)
____ Siri never talks to me. Probably because I don't have an iPhone 4.  (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)
____ WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING A PSYCHIC HOTLINE IF YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHERE MY OTHER SHOE IS?!? (Brian Vicenti)
____ Apparently, 3.1 out of 8.4 people overcomplicate things. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I've been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house. (Jack Olivar)
____ Swallowing goldfish crackers with spaghetti noodles tied around them is the closest I'm going to get to fishing. So if you'll excuse me, I have a bottle of vodka to slam. The seas are about to get rough! (Jack Wagon)
____ I like to see things from others' perspective, but they don't appriciate me pushing them from their spot or climbing the top of their heads to see what they see. Mean people! (Slinky Shrupti)
____ Cat picture. Car picture. Stupid update. Cat picture.Food picture.Cat picture. Emotional rant. Cat picture. Emotional rant about a cat. Cat picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Cat picture. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?! (Donny Norris)
____ There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them. (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier)

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50 SMART, SARCASTIC AND FUN STATUS UPDATES

Repost from 6/24/11:

People who visit my blog regularly know that the Facebook status updates that my readers post are not your typical status updates. They are so, so much better. It only took me 62 hours to scroll through the past few days on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE to grab my favorites, so thanks to all who are contributing to the slow demise of my social life. Here are the first 43:

____ is hungry enough that my stomach sounds like Morse code for wanting a double bacon cheeseburger. (Nobo Dy)
____ Just going through my old FB statuses & deleting the ones no one liked so I don't look lame. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it. (Cody Sanders)
____ The awkward moment when you get in the van and there's no candy. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth. (William Hale)
____ The difference between my ex and a catfish is that one is a bottom feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ If your neighbors seem like the "nicest, quietest, friendliest" people, they probably have kidnapped humans in their basement zoo. (Jenni More)
____ honestly thinks that women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports. (Harish Agrawal)
____ is not as random as you think I salad. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music. (TaLeighea Iaintelin)
____ wishes the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract. (Jacob Grant)
____ Never trust a quiet toddler. (Linda Carey)
____ Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to wear khakis & a red polo, then head to Target and pretend to work there. (Nobo Dy)
____ My boss just ticked me off. How sad is it that my immediate revenge thought was: "Oh yeah, I'll just waste more company time on Facebook!" (Jacob Grant)
____ Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one." (Snehal Nakade)
____ if someone tells you you're their "everything", you should expect to be murdered at some point. (Jenni More)
____ Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up. (Snehal Nakade)
____ Hey, I found your nose! It was in my business again. (Stacey Alsky)
____ Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds. (David McNamara)
____ When I grow up, I want to be a kid. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert. (Jason Fundora)
____ tapes microwave popcorn to the ceiling because it's cheaper than a smoke alarm. (Nobo Dy)
____ If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies." (Nobo Dy)
____ You know that whole walking-away-in-slow-motion thing that heroes do in movies when something is exploding? I tried that today. Really wish I hadn't. Really, really wish I hadn't. (Jacob Grant)
____ hates it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it. (Oren Dee)
____ tried giving my boss a compliment today. Apparently "You have a great witch's cackle" isn't a compliment. (Jacob Grant)
____ was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one. (Nobo Dy)
____ Jiffy Lube’s motto should be “it’s always more than just an oil change” (Karen Vanselow)
____ went to the store to get "Where's Waldo?" but couldn't find it. Well played, Waldo. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)

____ How does Wile E. Coyote afford all those damn rockets?! (Sonia Gandhi Mojica)
____ This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions. (Nobo Dy)
____ thinks that your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers. (Sonia Gandhi Mojica)
____was bored, so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano." You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ Math questions are so stupid! They're like, "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?" Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?! (MrsFabulous Cervantes)


____ is licking the cake batter out of the bowl because I'm a fearless bitch who's not afraid of a little salmonella. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ How come Mario can smash through bricks, yet he dies when he touches a freakin turtle? (Jimi Anastasio)
____ If you see a plate of bacon running down the street screaming "HELP ME!" please return it to me. It's totally overreacting. (William Hale)
____ Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like meadows and rain drops? (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ As you're reading this, you should say to yourself, "Why am I talking to myself?" (Nobo Dy)
____ When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!" (Donna Young)

Thanks, everyone! Keep them coming!