____ ”and another thing!...” -Me, when I'm drunk. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ NO,I'M NOT DRUNK. I'M JUST TIRED FROM BEING UP ALL NIGHT DRINKING. (Erwin Charming)
____ I'll bet if it ever really rained cats and dogs, Bob Barker would be pissed because who's gonna neuter them all? (Jack Olivar)
____ Back in my day, you knew who your real friends were. Because they ranked you in order of importance on MySpace. (Michael Wenk)
____ Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie. (Rajat Behl)
____ Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!? (Donny Norris)
____ The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I find that some of the best status's are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici... (Chesty La Rue)
____ Everybody using ASAP... needs to calm the f*ck down! (Jack Wagon)
____ Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they’re dead. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Don’t mess with me. I know how to sit still for a tattoo. (OverDose)
____ The biggest book I ever wrote was the list of things I don’t give a %$&^ about (Adam Apple)
____ I love the Clorox bleach commercial where the kid says "Mommy, I went poo poo" and sh*t in the tub. We need more commercials like that. (Toni Daniels)
____ Sick of seeing pics of everyones food. I am posting a few of mine on their walls. Post digestion. (Lisa James)
____ I changed my a$$hole neighbor's tire for him today...from "inflated and in fine-working condition" to "hacked to pieces with a hatchet". (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Life...it's just an "F" in lie. (Chesty La Rue)
____ At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ "If you can't beat them, join them". Then become their friend and when you build up trust, and they least expect it, beat the crap out of them then. (Dow Jones)
____ Do I miss being married? Sure, what could be better than being in a relationship with a female, bipolar version of Darth Vader? (Sean Shipley)
____ I've was reading a magazine in the waiting room at the doctor's office earlier. Apparently Posh Spice and David Beckham are now an item?! (Tom Guntorius)
____ It's raining here. Is it raining where you are? I love Facebook. (Jack Wagon)
____ Oooooh, It's SHARK week and NOT "shart" week...embarrassing :/ (Donny Norris)
____ Sometimes when I am filling up my car with gas, I like to take the antenna off the car challenge the person at the next pump over to a sword fight. (Beau Diggity)
____ Teaching your kids to swim isn't hard...You just throw them in the deep end and either they learn to swim or you get your social life back. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I've been using creamer in my coffee for years and I'm still single! Screw you Coffee-Mate! :( (Jack Wagon)
____ Today is going to be another exhausting day of judging people and pretending to listen. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I was just looking in the mirror this morning, thinking about who I was. I suppose you could say I was reflecting. (Jack Olivar)
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