Wednesday, October 24, 2012


My readers started preparing the Halloween Facebook Status updates early this year! I will continue to add to this list as they are posted on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. Thanks to all who contribute!

____ Halloween is the one and only time of the year that I don't judge what people look like at Walmart. (Jack Wagon)
____ A pinata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night. (Jack Wagon)
____ Some folks say if you go into a Halloween store late at night, you can see the ghosts of the Blockbuster employees who used to work there. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Halloween is the one time a year when you confuse your kids by having them accept candy from strangers. (Just Sage)
____ I don't wait for Halloween. I'm scary all year round. (Shabana Essack)
____ I had an awesome idea for decorating my yard for Halloween this year, but the county morgue said they couldn't release the bodies. (Beau Diggity)
____ If you think about it, Halloween isn't really that different than any other day, everyone's still pretending to be something they're not. (Connie Day)
____ Bet there'll be a lot of "ladies" waking up in the morning smelling of Vodka, face paint and regret... (Chesty La Rue, on the day after Halloween)
____ I was fired from my job as a meteorologist. Apparently it wasn't funny to dress up as a zombie on Halloween and just repeated say "Rainsssss, Rainsssss". (Jack Olivar)
____ Fun thing to do this Halloween...Insist on smelling their feet. (Donny Norris)
____ This year for Halloween, I will be dressed up as an ear of corn, saying something witty to someone in an insulting manner. It'll be A-MAIZE-ZING! (Dow Jones)
____ Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected...and he cried like a little kid. (Mark Andrews)
____ I think I'm going to pass out sticky notes with my best MSIB status updates to the kids for Halloween this year. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ For Halloween I am going to write "life" on a plain white t-shirt and offer lemons to strangers. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Halloween Costume idea: A zombie in a YOLO t-shirt. (Eric Caro)
____ My Halloween Milkshake brings all the boys and ghouls to the yard. (Jodi Ann)
____ You can get a lot of great Halloween costume ideas by watching the game show "Lets make a Deal". (Stephanie Manera)
____ Wanted: 20 good-looking women for elaborate Kama Sutra Halloween costume. Send photos. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For Halloween I'm going to dress up as Maury Povich, visit the hospital delivery room, and tell the guy he is not the father. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I'm going as a gong for Halloween. Maybe then I will finally get a chick to bang me. (Dow Jones)
____ This year for Halloween I will be passing out little 5 hour energy bottles. You're welcome. (Miguel Munoz)
____ I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string. (Donny Norris)
____ I bet that guy who offers free candy out of his van HATES Halloween. (Charles Fincher)
____ For Halloween, I think I will go as Scooby Doo and take off people's masks. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ This is a Halloween status. (Shafique Khatri)
____ This Halloween, I've decided to dress up as the scariest, most sadistic, angry, evil, heartless, remorseless monster I could think of. I'm going as my ex-wife. (Sean Shipley)
____ Every year it saddens me to see the staggering amount of toothless pumpkins and their deteriorating addiction to meth after Halloween. (Jack Wagon)
____ For Halloween this year I'm gonna wear an eye patch, a parrot on my shoulder and pee on all the teenagers...I'll be Aaargh Kelly. (Jack Olivar)
____ If this double chin doesn't count as a Halloween costume I am screwed. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ As Halloween approaches, I like to hang out at the grocery store and give the stink eye to people who buy anything but chocolate to hand out. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Step 1) give apples for Halloween. Step 2) wait for teenagers to T.P. your house. Step 3) collect T.P. from tree. I don't have to buy T.P. for the next 6 months. (Mo Ron)
____ This year for Halloween, I will be giving out Tide pods...tastes just like candy! (Laura L Carbonneau)
____ 6 bags of candy and not a single trick-or-treater. On a side note, can you die from a chocolate overdose? Asking for a friend... (Stacy Fournier)
____ I just put the "Boo" in "Booze"! Happy Halloween MSIB Family! (Jack Wagon)
____ This Halloween I'm gonna turn the lights off and pretend I'm not in. I don't give a damn, ships. My rules. (Shafique Khatri)
____ "What do you mean they weren't real vampires? They all died when I rammed a stake through their hearts and beheaded them, didn't they?" - Me, every bloody Halloween. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious. (Donny Norris)
____ I have a great costume idea to scare people on Halloween. My birthday suit. (Manish Bhardwaj)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


____ I'm going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I wonder if this gun is loa (Danny Coleiro)
____ A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that my old lady dropped them on the way from the dryer. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm really confused...what exactly is this magical "one trick" all ponies can do? (Jack Olivar)
____ My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can't drive a bus. (Mike Seriously)
____ I'd like to go back in time, to when I said "When I grow up, I wanna go to college, be an engineer or an Astronaut or a successful lawyer" and change it to: "When I grow up, I wanna barely graduate high school, start drinking and womanizing, get a factory job, get married, have two kids, get divorced and become addicted to something called Facebook." Just imagine the sense of accomplishment I would have right now. (Mustache Mann)
____ It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. (James Baud)
____ Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing? (OverDose)
____ Every once in awhile when I am walking with my family, I like to scream and take off running, just to see if they love me enough to follow. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ When I was young I used to flush pizza down the toilet, which pissed off my Dad, but made the Teenage Ninja Turtles pretty happy. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Ford F150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra. As a married man, these are the only pickup lines I am allowed to use. (Mys ter E)
____ If I ever put stuff in storage I'm going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars. (Warped Intentions)
____ It's pretty lame that blacking out doesn't mean that everyone else forgets too. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ Funny how three little words can brighten your mood. "Free drinks tonite." *wipes tear from eye* (Connie Day)
____ You wouldn't believe how long it took me to post this from my new Progresso phone can! :( (Jack Wagon)
____ The first 30 years of childhood are always hardest. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Apparently “You probably don’t hear this a lot, but I think you’re quite attractive” isn't a very good pickup line. (Sean Shipley)
____ Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Got in trouble for public urination. I guess you could say I was peenalyzed. (Lisa James)
____ I may not know what I'm doing, but at least I have no idea what's going on. (Chesty La Rue)
____ "I want a guy who treats me right, listens to me and makes me feel good. But until then, I'll keep dating a$$holes and complaining." – Women (Mike Seriously)
____ Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipshit" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry? (Jack Olivar)
____ Why is it that every time I walk down to the corner store at night I hear the song "Staying Alive" playing in the background? (Beau Diggity)
____ "Don't worry! I won't kill you!" is not a good pickup line when you meet a woman while jogging. (Susan Commerford Foisy)
____ I printed your status on toilet paper so I can wipe my ass with it. (Lisa James)
____ There's this cute girl staring at me from across the room! Silly me, it's a mirror. (Toni Daniels)
____ Could you Trojan® imagine if we Absolut® got free product McDonald's® just by Budweiser® mentioning them? I mean Nike® really!? Taco Bell® (Jack Wagon)
____ Where was I? No, I mean yesterday: where was I? Because I'm guessing these feathers came from somewhere. (Gail Pemberton)
____ You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise. (Jack Olivar)
____ "CONGRATULATIONS" to Snooki on giving birth to Danny DeVito. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Got pulled over today for "texting while driving". Stupid cop! I wasn't texting. I was playing Words With Friends. (Dottie Dunlap Mabry)
____ I may not have a Harley but I do have a stationary bicycle, a box fan, a leather vest and a washable tattoo, so...HELL YA! (Donny Norris)
____ Plumbers have the best job ever. At least it seems that way in the films I watch. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it's because she's a big dumb stinkyhead that's jealous of my awesome Transformers collection. (Sean Shipley)
____ The ridiculous situation when you discover that 31 of your Facebook friends share the same birthday and you only actually know 1 of them but there are three others that you converse with regularly and you don't feel like spending the time it will take to wish them all well so you decide to just pick the 4 out that you are the closest too but then you think, "OMG, what if the others notice and it hurts their feelings?!!", but then you think, "Hmmmm, isn't it kind of arrogant of you to think they would even notice?", then you begin to question your own character and opt to just type Happy B-day on all of their walls and spend the rest of your day searching your soul...(Donny Norris)
____ If one more person calls me dramatic, I swear to Christ I'm going to burn the world down. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Is there a job where you roll over and call in sick? I'd probably be really good at that job. (Jack Olivar)

Want more Facebook Status updates? Check out my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. It's hilarious and bizarre and awkward and magnificent. You'll be glad you did. Or, you'll run down the street screaming and clawing your eyes out afterwards.


____ I always wondered what it would be like to spend a day with Elvis. I bet everyone would stare. You know, cuz he's a corpse and all. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If you ever need nothing I am here for you. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Dear Coffee, I love you. What we shared this morning I will never forget. Sadly, I'm leaving you for someone else. Her name is Vodka, and my desire for her is strong. I'll be back tomorrow to beg for your forgiveness. Please be kind. Love, Me (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy. (Tom Guntorius)
____ It's really hard being a people person with all these restraining orders. (Mike Seriously)
____ Today's muffin top was brought to you by the fries & double cheeseburger I ate last night, and the letters "FML". (Stephanie Manera)
____ It’s depressing how kids these days never seem have cigarettes when I ask them for one. (Connie Day)
____ It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ People often regret telling me to make myself at home. (Status Monster)
____ If sober me won't do it...drunk me will. (Jack Wagon)
____ My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn't. (Sean Shipley)
____ Occasionally, I like to go the the supermarket, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier. (Chesty La Rue)
____ When I die, I want my tombstone to read: Here lies Matt Procella, he found a wrong way to eat a Reese's. (Matt Procella)
____ Judging you one status at a time. (Lisa James)
____ When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19. You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ You know when you're sitting at the movies and you reach over and take a sip out of the drink that belongs to the stranger sitting next to you? No? Oh. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ I should really get paid for all this free sarcasm I give away. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ Sometimes I wish my friends on Facebook were real. (Lisa James)
____ You would think they would at least have a curtain hanging up in this self checkout lane... well this is embarrassing! :( (Jack Wagon)
____ To the girl at Starbucks: stop piercing your face, you're screwing up the wifi in here. (Matt Procella)
____ NOoooOoo, I didn't say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it. (Mustache Mann)
____ Democrats and Republicans may not agree about politics, but they definitely agree about screwing you over. (Connie Day)
____ Some friends on my Facebook are like the people in the stock photos of the frames I buy at the store. I just don't know them :/ (Stephanie Manera)
____ I proofread my all my statuses to make sure I didn't any words out. (Gerti Kola)
____ I have a hot date tonight! Ok, I have a white van and some duct tape. WhateveR. (Mys ter E)
____ You still can resist yourself from reading this post two times. (Bate Mann)
____ There's something I need to get off my chest: Damn Cheetos crumbs...(Eric Caro)
____ I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle. (Susan Commerford Foisy)
____ Nevermind my cut finger or the black eye. The important thing is that the wine bottle is open. (Enrico Hartzenberg)
____ Everything was better in the good old days. For example, 5 days ago, it was Friday. (Gerti Kola)
____ I'm fluent at rejection in three languages. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm pretty sure PETA is probably still looking for the guy who coined the phrase "who let the cat out of the bag"? (Jack Olivar)
____ No honey, I don't "want to change you". I love YOU just the way YOU are, sweetie. Your mom will change that diaper when she gets home. (Mustache Mann)
____ Someday I'm going to trade in my "I'm stupid" t-shirt for the fancy "I'm with stupid" one. (Lisa James)
____ It's so hard, in today's world, to find someone who "gets me", so I have been truly blessed. His name's Frank, he's an aardvark, and he lives somewhere behind my frontal lobe. We sometimes start fires and laugh a lot. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you are not so happy with life, Come join us on Facebook. We'll make you forget you ever had one. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ They say that women forget about the ultimate pain of childbirth moments after its over. I leave one shoe on the floor five years ago, the wife stubs her toe, and I have heard about it ever since. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it. (Matt Procella)
____ Left-handed people are really impressive, doing all that stuff so well with the wrong hand. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I hate holding grudges. And babies. (Lisa James)
____ Looking for a woman who is like my mom in the kitchen and your mom in the bedroom. (Mys ter E)
____ Honey, do you have anything you'd like to say before football season starts? (Warped Intentions)
____ Sometimes I'll catch myself talking to myself when I'm alone and then we'll both laugh and laugh... (Chesty La Rue)
____ Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything. I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete idiots. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Is it just me or is CSI just like Scooby Doo but for old people? (Enrico Hartzenberg)