____ I'm going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I wonder if this gun is loa (Danny Coleiro)
____ A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that my old lady dropped them on the way from the dryer. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm really confused...what exactly is this magical "one trick" all ponies can do? (Jack Olivar)
____ My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can't drive a bus. (Mike Seriously)
____ I'd like to go back in time, to when I said "When I grow up, I wanna go to college, be an engineer or an Astronaut or a successful lawyer" and change it to: "When I grow up, I wanna barely graduate high school, start drinking and womanizing, get a factory job, get married, have two kids, get divorced and become addicted to something called Facebook." Just imagine the sense of accomplishment I would have right now. (Mustache Mann)
____ It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. (James Baud)
____ Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing? (OverDose)
____ Every once in awhile when I am walking with my family, I like to scream and take off running, just to see if they love me enough to follow. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ When I was young I used to flush pizza down the toilet, which pissed off my Dad, but made the Teenage Ninja Turtles pretty happy. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Ford F150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra. As a married man, these are the only pickup lines I am allowed to use. (Mys ter E)
____ If I ever put stuff in storage I'm going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars. (Warped Intentions)
____ It's pretty lame that blacking out doesn't mean that everyone else forgets too. (Shannon SeeMore)
____ Funny how three little words can brighten your mood. "Free drinks tonite." *wipes tear from eye* (Connie Day)
____ You wouldn't believe how long it took me to post this from my new Progresso phone can! :( (Jack Wagon)
____ The first 30 years of childhood are always hardest. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Apparently “You probably don’t hear this a lot, but I think you’re quite attractive” isn't a very good pickup line. (Sean Shipley)
____ Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Got in trouble for public urination. I guess you could say I was peenalyzed. (Lisa James)
____ I may not know what I'm doing, but at least I have no idea what's going on. (Chesty La Rue)
____ "I want a guy who treats me right, listens to me and makes me feel good. But until then, I'll keep dating a$$holes and complaining." – Women (Mike Seriously)
____ Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipshit" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry? (Jack Olivar)
____ Why is it that every time I walk down to the corner store at night I hear the song "Staying Alive" playing in the background? (Beau Diggity)
____ "Don't worry! I won't kill you!" is not a good pickup line when you meet a woman while jogging. (Susan Commerford Foisy)
____ I printed your status on toilet paper so I can wipe my ass with it. (Lisa James)
____ There's this cute girl staring at me from across the room! Silly me, it's a mirror. (Toni Daniels)
____ Could you Trojan® imagine if we Absolut® got free product McDonald's® just by Budweiser® mentioning them? I mean Nike® really!? Taco Bell® (Jack Wagon)
____ Where was I? No, I mean yesterday: where was I? Because I'm guessing these feathers came from somewhere. (Gail Pemberton)
____ You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise. (Jack Olivar)
____ "CONGRATULATIONS" to Snooki on giving birth to Danny DeVito. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Got pulled over today for "texting while driving". Stupid cop! I wasn't texting. I was playing Words With Friends. (Dottie Dunlap Mabry)
____ I may not have a Harley but I do have a stationary bicycle, a box fan, a leather vest and a washable tattoo, so...HELL YA! (Donny Norris)
____ Plumbers have the best job ever. At least it seems that way in the films I watch. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it's because she's a big dumb stinkyhead that's jealous of my awesome Transformers collection. (Sean Shipley)
____ The ridiculous situation when you discover that 31 of your Facebook friends share the same birthday and you only actually know 1 of them but there are three others that you converse with regularly and you don't feel like spending the time it will take to wish them all well so you decide to just pick the 4 out that you are the closest too but then you think, "OMG, what if the others notice and it hurts their feelings?!!", but then you think, "Hmmmm, isn't it kind of arrogant of you to think they would even notice?", then you begin to question your own character and opt to just type Happy B-day on all of their walls and spend the rest of your day searching your soul...(Donny Norris)
____ If one more person calls me dramatic, I swear to Christ I'm going to burn the world down. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Is there a job where you roll over and call in sick? I'd probably be really good at that job. (Jack Olivar)
Want more Facebook Status updates? Check out my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. It's hilarious and bizarre and awkward and magnificent. You'll be glad you did. Or, you'll run down the street screaming and clawing your eyes out afterwards.
