____ I always wondered what it would be like to spend a day with Elvis. I bet everyone would stare. You know, cuz he's a corpse and all. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If you ever need nothing I am here for you. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Dear Coffee, I love you. What we shared this morning I will never forget. Sadly, I'm leaving you for someone else. Her name is Vodka, and my desire for her is strong. I'll be back tomorrow to beg for your forgiveness. Please be kind. Love, Me (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy. (Tom Guntorius)
____ It's really hard being a people person with all these restraining orders. (Mike Seriously)
____ Today's muffin top was brought to you by the fries & double cheeseburger I ate last night, and the letters "FML". (Stephanie Manera)
____ It’s depressing how kids these days never seem have cigarettes when I ask them for one. (Connie Day)
____ It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ People often regret telling me to make myself at home. (Status Monster)
____ If sober me won't do it...drunk me will. (Jack Wagon)
____ My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn't. (Sean Shipley)
____ Occasionally, I like to go the the supermarket, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier. (Chesty La Rue)
____ When I die, I want my tombstone to read: Here lies Matt Procella, he found a wrong way to eat a Reese's. (Matt Procella)
____ Judging you one status at a time. (Lisa James)
____ When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19. You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ You know when you're sitting at the movies and you reach over and take a sip out of the drink that belongs to the stranger sitting next to you? No? Oh. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ I should really get paid for all this free sarcasm I give away. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ Sometimes I wish my friends on Facebook were real. (Lisa James)
____ You would think they would at least have a curtain hanging up in this self checkout lane... well this is embarrassing! :( (Jack Wagon)
____ To the girl at Starbucks: stop piercing your face, you're screwing up the wifi in here. (Matt Procella)
____ NOoooOoo, I didn't say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it. (Mustache Mann)
____ Democrats and Republicans may not agree about politics, but they definitely agree about screwing you over. (Connie Day)
____ Some friends on my Facebook are like the people in the stock photos of the frames I buy at the store. I just don't know them :/ (Stephanie Manera)
____ I proofread my all my statuses to make sure I didn't any words out. (Gerti Kola)
____ I have a hot date tonight! Ok, I have a white van and some duct tape. WhateveR. (Mys ter E)
____ You still can resist yourself from reading this post two times. (Bate Mann)
____ There's something I need to get off my chest: Damn Cheetos crumbs...(Eric Caro)
____ I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle. (Susan Commerford Foisy)
____ Nevermind my cut finger or the black eye. The important thing is that the wine bottle is open. (Enrico Hartzenberg)
____ Everything was better in the good old days. For example, 5 days ago, it was Friday. (Gerti Kola)
____ I'm fluent at rejection in three languages. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm pretty sure PETA is probably still looking for the guy who coined the phrase "who let the cat out of the bag"? (Jack Olivar)
____ No honey, I don't "want to change you". I love YOU just the way YOU are, sweetie. Your mom will change that diaper when she gets home. (Mustache Mann)
____ Someday I'm going to trade in my "I'm stupid" t-shirt for the fancy "I'm with stupid" one. (Lisa James)
____ It's so hard, in today's world, to find someone who "gets me", so I have been truly blessed. His name's Frank, he's an aardvark, and he lives somewhere behind my frontal lobe. We sometimes start fires and laugh a lot. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you are not so happy with life, Come join us on Facebook. We'll make you forget you ever had one. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ They say that women forget about the ultimate pain of childbirth moments after its over. I leave one shoe on the floor five years ago, the wife stubs her toe, and I have heard about it ever since. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it. (Matt Procella)
____ Left-handed people are really impressive, doing all that stuff so well with the wrong hand. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I hate holding grudges. And babies. (Lisa James)
____ Looking for a woman who is like my mom in the kitchen and your mom in the bedroom. (Mys ter E)
____ Honey, do you have anything you'd like to say before football season starts? (Warped Intentions)
____ Sometimes I'll catch myself talking to myself when I'm alone and then we'll both laugh and laugh... (Chesty La Rue)
____ Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything. I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete idiots. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Is it just me or is CSI just like Scooby Doo but for old people? (Enrico Hartzenberg)
