Thursday, November 22, 2012


I was just thinking about the turkey I will consume today for Thanksgiving, which made me think about how turkeys gobble, which made me think of the word "gobbledygook" which I love because it means "nonsense", and then I thought of all of you and it made me really thankful that you've been a part of the remarkable nonsense that is my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. Have a Thanksgiving filled with gratefulness, but don't forget to add in some high jinks, too. Here are a few Thanksgiving status updates my fans shared:

____ The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Give spanks. Not thanks. (Lisa James)
____ Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends, and a Happy Ungrateful Bastards Day to everyone else. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Thanksgiving is the time of year when we all gather together and give thanks that we don't have to be around this bunch of assholes but once a year. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I'm making deviled eggs for Thanksgiving, because they say you are what you eat, and I'm full of wicked yokes. (Eric Caro)
____ So Thanksgiving is about being grateful, well I'm grateful for you bastards liking my posts. Does that count? (Sonia Lerma)
____ Isn't it ironic that a turkey goes gobble gobble, and on Thanksgiving that's what we do to them? (Dow Jones)
____ I'll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it's the only time their clothes look festive. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm kind of shocked turkeys live as long as they do with those pop-up timers lodged in their chests. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Wal-Mart said that the employee walk out on thanksgiving will not affect our shopping, since we are already used to waiting for an hour to check out. (Lisa James)
____ So I've always wondered...all those turkeys I see this time of year with pilgrim hats, were they like trying to fool the pilgrims, or were they cannibals, or what?
(Jack Olivar)
____ Mom says that if I'm a good girl & don't use my potty mouth.. I can sit at the big kid table this Thanksgiving. She's so silly. (Toni Daniels)

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


No more Twinkies really pissed my readers off.

____ Maybe Zombieland had it right when Woody Harrelson couldn't find those Twinkies. Now we know why. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Hostess is going out of business, so no more twinkies. In other news Kirstie Alley just commited suicide. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I'm going to get rich selling these Twinkies on eBay. (Lisa James)
____ Damn little Debbie, its her fault were losing Twinkie. I knew that broad was up to no good. (Sonia Lerma)
____ The guy at the tattoo shop laughed at me when I asked for a Twinkie tattoo on my dick last year. Who's laughing now? (Mys ter E)
____ Poor Colorado...they tell em they can smoke pot then take away Twinkies. For shame... (Stephanie Whitaker)
____ Thank goodness it was Twinkies and not Bacon... (Tom Guntorius)
____ So Jessica Simpson joins Weight Watchers and now Hostess goes out of business? Thanks a lot, bitch. (Mys ter E)
____ I get it...all that crap in the Middle East is because they had inside information that Hostess was closing. No wonder they've been so pissed. (Jack Olivar)
____ Suck It Up Cupcake - The Hostess Union (Lisa James)
____ WHAT! 10 TO 20!! FOR SELLING HO HO'S ON THE BLACK MARKET?!!!! Whooooa, your honor, there has been a BIG misunderstanding here. (Donny Norris)

Like these? Join the madness on FACEBOOK for the best topical Facebook Status updates!

Friday, November 9, 2012


My FACEBOOK FANS  posted an array of funny stuff in the last 8 days. Here's a sampling:

____ I couldn't get my fake scar tattoos off last night, so my roomate suggested alchohol. I drank a 12 pack and that STILL didn't help. (Lisa James)
____ You make a valid point, but there is a major flaw in your argument. You assume that I'm listening to you. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Christmas shopping done. I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads: "Sorry, the world was supposed to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!" (Donny Norris)
____ Take it from me, guys. The zoo is a really bad place to pick up cougars. I thought that one was flirting with me and now I'm missing most of a hand and bleeding a lot. (Jack Olivar)
____ If my girlfriend wakes up screaming from a nightmare, I like to pull the sheet over my face and whisper, "He's in the doorway..." (Mike Seriously)
____ "Just because it stretches...doesn't mean it fits" should be on the label of everything spandex. (Toni Daniels)
____ I want to go back in time. 30 minutes ago. When my 30 pack wasn't empty. Is it beer 30 yet/again? (Mustache Mann)
____ I swear my five-year-old son just repeats what he hears my wife say. Today, apparently, he's in a crap mood and on his period. (Danny Coleiro)
____ There's only one difference between when I see an ice cream truck or a police vehicle. The direction I run in. (King Julien)
____ Don't get pissed at me for drinking all your vodka. You were the one that said to make myself at home. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you can't beat them, make them hit themselves - because that shit's funny. (Lisa James)
____ If I have a problem, Yo! I'll solve it! Check out my radius while my compass revolves it. Math, math, Baby. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you are reading this it means we're now dating. Love you... (Chesty La Rue)
____ I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes tickles as I swallow it. (Jack Olivar)
____ I clicked my heels 3 times.. and I'm still at work. Whatthef*ck, Dorothy? (Toni Daniels)
____ I would like to say thank you to all the people here that make me laugh, but I am an a$$hole so I wont. (Mys ter E)
____ In case you are wondering how patient a person I am, I am standing here cursing at my soda to stop fizzing so I can finish pouring it. (Jack Olivar)
____ My daughter is at the age where she can start doing chores and suddenly this whole "having kids" thing makes a lot more sense. (Sean Shipley)
____ Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy. (Toni Daniels)
____ I wish I could go back in time, like the 50's...when girls didn't poop. (Jack Wagon)
____ If the first thing you see after you die is a handbasket, you're in trouble. (Randy Masters)
____ Due to the rising cost of ammunition, I will no longer be able to provide a Warning shot. Thanks for your understanding. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I must give proper respect and admiration to the ladies out there that realize that they don't have to dress slutty and talk dirty in order to attract a man. Good for you! Live your life with style and class. The rest of you, come with me. (Brandon Eaves)
____ Slaps count as human contact...right? (Donny Norris)
____ Every time I think my posts suck ... I just go read everyone else’s and then I feel much better. I'm kidding...I re-read my own, then throw myself into oncoming traffic. (Jack Wagon)
____ Men and women stalk differently. Men will drive by at night. Women will show up at your job and smash your stuff in front of everyone. (Mike Seriously)
____ Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I'd like to be one of those people that hands out water to passing runners at marathons. Except instead of water, it'd be confetti & as they poured it over their heads I'd scream "OMG! YOU WON!!!" Then we'd jump around & cheer & hug & by the time they realized the real race was over I'd have a new friend. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I never cease to amaze myself with just how below average I am. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status. (Shane M Aine)
____ Colorado just changed their state mascot from Cam the Ram to the Grateful Dead Dancing Bear. (Jack Wagon)
____ You can try all you like, but you'll never understand me. (I'm incoherent most of the time, and I have a tendency to mumble). (Danny Coleiro)
____ I didn't see one iPhone in Back to the Future Part II. I don't know what to believe in anymore. (Mike Seriously)
____ I don't know what all you parents are whining about. Getting my niece to shut up is easy, I just keep giving her cupcakes...oh look my sister is here to pick her up. (Jack Olivar)
____ O' Douls! 'Cause I don't wanna get drunk. I just want to smell that way. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ Give a man a fish & he has food for a day. Teach him how to fish, he'll go fishing for the weekends and you can spend them with your lover. (Nathan Drake)
____ If I caught my partner cheating I'd just walk straight out and never go back! Until I got tired and hungry. (Shabana Essack)
____ I just did a crossword puzzle cuz I was that desperate for sex. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole. (Ben Iz Bshop)


____ Growing up, my mom forced me to eat greens. To this day I'm still banned from 37 golf courses. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Saw a girl with three lip-ring piercings on the subway this morning. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Autocorrect, I did NOT text "where do you lube?" You know very well I meant "where do you live?" (Stephanie Manera)
____ Mom: You failed your English test, didn't you? Kid: WHO TELLED YOU?! (Jessica Liberty)
____ So the other day, I bought a light bulb and gave it to my nephew to take it home. He stopped by his friend's place and I got home before him. That day I traveled faster than light. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ The world is $6 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to? (Hollywood Allan)
____ Days like today make me really wish they made Flintstone's Chewable Morphine. (Lisa James)
____ Just finished another Japanese novel. Like all the rest, it didn't make any goddamn sense. (Connie Day)
____ Support the United Zombie College Fund. Because A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste.™ (Brian Sullivan)
____ Somehow my 3 year old got to my phone so I snatched it away from her to see what she did to it. Turns out she looked up the lyrics to the song "Bad to the Bone" (Stephanie Manera)
____ I am not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Somewhere in an alternate universe, right now, at this instant, an accordion player is signing some hysterical chick's boob. (Donny Norris)
____ I hate when I'm put in a situation where I have to choose cause knowing me I'd choose d) All of the above. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I tried to add multiple relationships but apparently Facebook is a racist and against polygamy. (Lisa James)
____ I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools. (Jodi Ann)
____ You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you. (Sara Nicole Carlson)
____ I can't stand when my wife tells me to "grow up". Next time she does that, dude, I swear, I'm hopping on my Big Wheel and leaving that dookie head! (Dow Jones)
____ As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ It's pretty screwed up that you can't get a restraining order on someone just because they're 6... (Chesty La Rue)
____ I'm the most unreliable person I know. I still can't believe I was late for work tomorrow. (Nathan Drake)
____ You know those people who request a read receipt with their email? Let's kill them. (Donny Norris)
____ Hurricane Sandy...the worst thing to hit the Jersey shore since the Jersey Shore. (Mys ter E)
____ OH NO!!! My top shrank a little in the dryer. Ah what the hell, my boobs will stretch it out so I guess it'll be okay. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things. (Rita Filakia)
____ My "spirit animal" is Chester the Cheetah. (Eric Caro)
____ I want an application that can unfriend all the people who've been friends with me for over a year and have never liked or commented on any of my posts or messaged me. What's the point of having them? (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I'm so poor that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money. (LaDonna MsCarol Reed)
____ This post is just for you. (Donny Norris)
____ My girlfriend just told me she's pregnant! Just kidding. Blow up dolls can't get pregnant, or talk. :( (Nicholas Arulnathan)
____ Nothing better than tomato soup for lunch. And by "tomato soup" I mean a bloody mary. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ "Said No One Ever" -Says Everyone all the time... (Stacy Fournier)
____ After going through Kenny Rogers Greatest Hits, I have come upon the conclusion that Kenny Rogers has a limited number of hits. (Jeff Tessman)
____ They should make a show like Cash Cab called "Cat's Cab" where people get into a taxi and a cat is driving and all of these flashing lights go off, but instead of answering questions everyone dies because cats can't drive. (Jen Hollingsworth)
____ If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you. (Jack Olivar)
____ I bought an electronic cigarette today. I am not going to quit smoking. I just like the look on people's faces while I smoke it and pump gas. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ I woke up this morning and was immediately mad about something someone said a year ago. That's healthy right? (Sean Shipley)
____ Just opened an online Colonoscopy Clinic… all you need is a Webcam, some Astroglide and a Fire Poker. (Jack Wagon)
____ Why MSIB? Because, one day, when you think you're alone, you stumble upon this incredible underworld of misfits and realize that you're not. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Amazing... a really hot woman came up to me today and said "Hey, you're the guy who writes all those hilarious statuses on MSIB, right?" When I nodded, she asked me if they were all true stories. I admitted they were all made up. And then we enjoyed ten hours of passionate sex. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I threw a MY STATUS IS BADDEST party, it would just be a room full of people sitting in dark corners fighting over power outlets. (Jack Wagon)
____ Don't go over-analysing my statuses. If I made sense all the time I wouldn't need to be here so much. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I come to this page to read some hilarious jokes, escape the bs that is life and pretend I live in MSIB land...but some idiots still post their political crap here -_- Go. To. Hell. (Dmitriy Groesbeck)
____ Now that I have drunk my weight in alcohol, I can honestly say that I love you all and you are the best mates I've ever had. And and and I want a castle. And a pterodactyl. Because I love you guys. (Danny Coleiro)
Oh, and I wrote a few new status updates too:

____ Now that the election is over, I'd like to share some good news! Unfortunately, I can't think of anything because we are all going to die next month, and that's a bummer.
____ Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

That's the recap for this week. Don't use them all on the same day, come back often and stroke my ego  enjoy at your leisure.  Also, become a FAN ON FACEBOOK. Thanks for reading!