____ Growing up, my mom forced me to eat greens. To this day I'm still banned from 37 golf courses. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Saw a girl with three lip-ring piercings on the subway this morning. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Autocorrect, I did NOT text "where do you lube?" You know very well I meant "where do you live?" (Stephanie Manera)
____ Mom: You failed your English test, didn't you? Kid: WHO TELLED YOU?! (Jessica Liberty)
____ So the other day, I bought a light bulb and gave it to my nephew to take it home. He stopped by his friend's place and I got home before him. That day I traveled faster than light. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ The world is $6 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to? (Hollywood Allan)
____ Days like today make me really wish they made Flintstone's Chewable Morphine. (Lisa James)
____ Just finished another Japanese novel. Like all the rest, it didn't make any goddamn sense. (Connie Day)
____ Support the United Zombie College Fund. Because A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste.™ (Brian Sullivan)
____ Somehow my 3 year old got to my phone so I snatched it away from her to see what she did to it. Turns out she looked up the lyrics to the song "Bad to the Bone" (Stephanie Manera)
____ I am not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Somewhere in an alternate universe, right now, at this instant, an accordion player is signing some hysterical chick's boob. (Donny Norris)
____ I hate when I'm put in a situation where I have to choose cause knowing me I'd choose d) All of the above. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I tried to add multiple relationships but apparently Facebook is a racist and against polygamy. (Lisa James)
____ I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools. (Jodi Ann)
____ You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That's a ghost finishing sex with you. (Sara Nicole Carlson)
____ I can't stand when my wife tells me to "grow up". Next time she does that, dude, I swear, I'm hopping on my Big Wheel and leaving that dookie head! (Dow Jones)
____ As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ It's pretty screwed up that you can't get a restraining order on someone just because they're 6... (Chesty La Rue)
____ I'm the most unreliable person I know. I still can't believe I was late for work tomorrow. (Nathan Drake)
____ You know those people who request a read receipt with their email? Let's kill them. (Donny Norris)
____ Hurricane Sandy...the worst thing to hit the Jersey shore since the Jersey Shore. (Mys ter E)
____ OH NO!!! My top shrank a little in the dryer. Ah what the hell, my boobs will stretch it out so I guess it'll be okay. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things. (Rita Filakia)
____ My "spirit animal" is Chester the Cheetah. (Eric Caro)
____ I want an application that can unfriend all the people who've been friends with me for over a year and have never liked or commented on any of my posts or messaged me. What's the point of having them? (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ I'm so poor that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money. (LaDonna MsCarol Reed)
____ This post is just for you. (Donny Norris)
____ My girlfriend just told me she's pregnant! Just kidding. Blow up dolls can't get pregnant, or talk. :( (Nicholas Arulnathan)
____ Nothing better than tomato soup for lunch. And by "tomato soup" I mean a bloody mary. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ "Said No One Ever" -Says Everyone all the time... (Stacy Fournier)
____ After going through Kenny Rogers Greatest Hits, I have come upon the conclusion that Kenny Rogers has a limited number of hits. (Jeff Tessman)
____ They should make a show like Cash Cab called "Cat's Cab" where people get into a taxi and a cat is driving and all of these flashing lights go off, but instead of answering questions everyone dies because cats can't drive. (Jen Hollingsworth)
____ If you love something let it go. Unless it's like a bear or something, then when you let it go it'll probably eat you. (Jack Olivar)
____ I bought an electronic cigarette today. I am not going to quit smoking. I just like the look on people's faces while I smoke it and pump gas. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ I woke up this morning and was immediately mad about something someone said a year ago. That's healthy right? (Sean Shipley)
____ Just opened an online Colonoscopy Clinic… all you need is a Webcam, some Astroglide and a Fire Poker. (Jack Wagon)
____ Why MSIB? Because, one day, when you think you're alone, you stumble upon this incredible underworld of misfits and realize that you're not. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Amazing... a really hot woman came up to me today and said "Hey, you're the guy who writes all those hilarious statuses on MSIB, right?" When I nodded, she asked me if they were all true stories. I admitted they were all made up. And then we enjoyed ten hours of passionate sex. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I threw a MY STATUS IS BADDEST party, it would just be a room full of people sitting in dark corners fighting over power outlets. (Jack Wagon)
____ Don't go over-analysing my statuses. If I made sense all the time I wouldn't need to be here so much. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I come to this page to read some hilarious jokes, escape the bs that is life and pretend I live in MSIB land...but some idiots still post their political crap here -_- Go. To. Hell. (Dmitriy Groesbeck)
____ Now that I have drunk my weight in alcohol, I can honestly say that I love you all and you are the best mates I've ever had. And and and I want a castle. And a pterodactyl. Because I love you guys. (Danny Coleiro)
Oh, and I wrote a few new status updates too:
____ Now that the election is over, I'd like to share some good news! Unfortunately, I can't think of anything because we are all going to die next month, and that's a bummer. ____ Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(
That's the recap for this week. Don't use them all on the same day, come back often and stroke my ego enjoy at your leisure. Also, become a FAN ON FACEBOOK. Thanks for reading!
