Thanks to everyone who posts status updates on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. 13,700 people have chosen to take time out of their busy Facebook schedules to click the "LIKE" button. It wouldn't survive without the funny people who share their status updates, expecting nothing but the warm, fuzzy feeling they receive when others "like" it.
____ Whenever I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I remember I'm allergic to peppermint and drop to the floor in a seizure. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ So I've never done cocaine, but I have a question. Why do people do it in the bathroom? If you were doing a drug that you had to sniff really hard to do, isn't someplace where people poop not the ideal place? (Jack Olivar)
____ There's no place like home, unless you're homeless, in which case everywhere is like home. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I was wondering about my genealogy so I traced my family tree. Leaf it to me to trace my roots only to find out I'm the sap. (Jack Olivar)
____ You can learn a lot about people just by hiding under their bed. For example, this one likes to scream a lot. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ I ALWAYS hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van :( (Mike Seriously)
____ Sometimes instead of "poking" you, I just press my finger against your profile pic and do that little coochie coo motion and whisper "girlfriend". (Tom Guntorius)
____ The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing. (Mike Seriously)
____ Today I met a lady who not only knew the meaning of 'meretricious', but also had a mean right-hook. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My credit report said, "Return everything you just bought, except for the hooker heels...you're going to need those." (Toni Daniels)
____ I lost my shirt in the stock market today...also I think my pants. I got a little drunk at lunch, and apparently now I'm banned or some crap. (Jack Olivar)
____ What good is it to be cool if you don't get to wear a sombrero? (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ It's almost that time of year where I don't have to feel weird about eating cookies shaped like people. (Sean Shipley)
____ My hand is stuck in a jar of salsa right now. I'm just gonna leave it in there. This is who I am now. I'm tired of fighting. (Nadja Bara)
____ What's the difference between a pencil and a strawberry? One's a fruit, you idiot. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I love my Tiara ! I don't give a f*ck what those jealous bitches in my spinning class say. (Chesty La Rue)
____ My hands are almost exactly as cold as my heart right now. (Lisa James)
____ Ho, Ho, Ho and a bottle of rum - How I do my Christmas shopping. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If a recipe has more than 5 ingredients in it, I'm not makin' it. Because, weed & lazy. (Toni Daniels)
____ The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener. (Lisa James)
____ Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you. (Mike Seriously)
____ The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Can someone help me with this? I wanted some homemade honey, but I don't know how many bees to put in this blender...so far it tastes horrible. (Jack Olivar)
____ It's just occurred to me that I have never actually seen anyone lick their lips in anticipation of a good meal. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I think tomorrow evening, I am going to drive down to the local emergency room and call the boss from there and tell him, "I can't come in tomorrow, I am in the emergency room right now." If I hang up fast enough, I think that would not be considered a lie and a pretty damned good excuse for not going into work. (Beau Diggity)
____ Don't tell me I don't know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm going for a run I'm back. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing I'd like to do is see what I could get for it on Craigslist. (Street Slim)
____ New children's book I'm working on: "Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak". (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I'm not trying to sound racist, but all baby ultrasound pictures look alike. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Whoever won the powerball, will be praying hard for the world to not end this December. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted! (Mustache Mann)
____ Fb, should stop suggesting me people I may know. Why would I wanna add the people I have taken money from? (Bate Mann)
____ I never make condescending jokes here. Mainly because you probably wouldn't get them. (Danny Coleiro)
____ RIP Jimi Hendrix. Just think, if you were alive today, you could get 1800 hits on YouTube doing a cover of Gangnam Style & watch music slowly die. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ I've got bags of confidence...or "cocaine" as it's better known. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I don't have a narcissistic bone in my smoking hot body. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I saved a ton of money on Christmas gifts this year. Thank You Mayans. (Mustache Mann)
____ My love life is best best described as a portion of microwaved lasagna: Steaming hot in some parts, inexplicably frozen in others (Eric Caro)
____ We played some great drinking games when I went to Africa this summer...like, "the last one to find water dies". (Rita Filakia)
____ I finally met someone that used the words, "Cray, Cray". Where do I put the body, my yard is full. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ If you were looking for me this morning? I was passed out on my neighbor's lawn trying to blend in with the deflated-blowup-Santa lawn ornament...(Amy Smith Wexler)
____ "To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right. To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left." - Where you can find the bodies in my storage unit. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I knew she was "Trouble" from the moment the announcer at the strip club introduced her as so. (Mustache Mann)
____ I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero. (Connie Day)
____ It's so cute when I see people show affection in public...but when I do it, they're like "Sir, please get your penis out of my arm pit." (Jack Wagon)
____ The makers of the 5hr energy drink need to start making a 5hr nap drink. Fair is fair. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits. (Tom Guntorius)
____ So this cop stopped me and asked for my license. I offered him a donut & said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed...Oh, and I got arrested. (Shabana Essack)
____ Oh sure the White House is allowed to have a kill list but as soon as I have one everyone's all "you have the right to remain silent". (Lisa James)
____ You know how, at a party, when people find out that you're a doctor, they start showing you their cuts and bruises and asking for advice? Well, I've been telling women that I'm a gynecologist and it doesn't work like that, apparently. (Danny Coleiro)
____ *finds four leaf clover* *buys lottery ticket* *wins lottery* *runs outside yelling in excitement* *gets struck by lightning* (Jack Wagon)
____ Listen, I’m a girl. So please don’t ask me what a transmission is because I don’t know anything about sports. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I taught my kids everything I know, which is why they're dumb as bricks. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I hate when you playfully give someone a wet willy and they act all surprised and grossed out. If you don't like that kinda thing, don't take so long at the ATM, lady! (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ If you say stuff like "Okeydoke!" when you put the car in drive, and "Alrighty!" when you put the car in park, you can just drop me off here. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ Is it too much to ask for an attractive, hot stalker? I mean, come on, seriously! (Chesty La Rue)
____ So did DMX ever find out where his dogs were? Did he put up posters or just write that song? (Jack Olivar)
____ We were so poor when I was a kid my Dad used to go outside on Christmas Eve and shoot a rifle in the air and tell us Santa just committed suicide. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I'm like one of those Matryoshka dolls, once you get through all the layers I'm pretty much empty inside. (Jack Olivar)
____ I attempted a leap of Faith today but accidentally kicked her in the head. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Driving by a hitchhiker holding their thumb up, thinking "Like". (Daniel Kilonzo)
____ Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver. (Gerti Kola)
____ I just threw up my weekend. (Danny Coleiro)
____ 98% of all band-aids are used to cover up a child's melodramatic bullshit. (Rita Filakia)
____ My soulmate will be the first girl I see who rocks air drums to the "In the Air Tonight" solo. (Eric Caro)
____ I can't be the only guy who created a Facebook profile called "Death" and started friend requesting all the senior citizens on here, right? (Jack Olivar)
____ Say "cheese!" because I want you to look like a complete f***ing idiot in this picture. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ The first person that falls asleep at my parties doesn't get written on or their hand in warm water. They get the phone numbers of their girlfriend and ex-girlfriend switched in their cell phone. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ A good sled can cost up to $300, but you can get one for under $100 if you're willing toboggan. (Randy Masters)
____ My parents always said I was a gifted child. Turns out they meant someone left me on their doorstep in a box. (Mys ter E)
____ Sprint is starting to treat me like I have no shirt and no shoes. (Mike Seriously)
____ When push comes to shove, I start stabbing. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
