____ Let's run away together.. Lol jk, I have asthma. (Leesie Boo Broadnax)
____ Well stranger lady, your first mistake was liking my post. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ I'm in a public bathroom stall and this little kid peeks under the door while I'm peeing, and everyone laughs and thinks it's so cute...but I do it, and they call security. WTF. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ I'm going to rewrite history. History. (Manish Bhardwaj)
____ You made me so upset. I'm not texting to you anymore. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I know I'm not the only one who uses empty xmas wrapping tubes to bonk someone over the head. (Snuffle Real Loudiguess)
____ The Lottery's "Hey, You Never Know" slogan also works for genital warts. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ If you spend more time admiring your own posts then you do reading everyone else's, you're self absorbed. If you do the opposite, you're a stalker... Makes sense. (Mandeh Moo)
____ Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskksdhfousg. THIS IS KELLY'S HUSBAND, SHE HAS TO GO NOW, KELLY SAYS GOODNIGHT. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ I had Ants in my Pants until they all died in a horrible fire...because I lied :-( (Eric Caro)
____ Remember, kids: If you ever catch on fire 1) Open the door 2) Get on the floor 3) Everybody walk the dinosaur. (Mike Seriously)
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____ My Rice Krispies tell me to do some weird shit, so I let vodka make a lot of the decisions. (Rita Filakia)
____ I no longer bring women home because my dad stabs them with a knife to make sure they're not inflatable...and then I have to buy a new one. (Mike Seriously)
____ I stand up for what I believe in, which makes believing in sitting down really hard to do. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I don't know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I f***ing guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook. (Mike Seriously)
____ It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it. (Jack Olivar)
____ You know how you shine a laser on the floor and make your dog run into stuff? I was running through the house pointing the laser for the dog and I ran straight into the wall and damn near knocked myself out. The laser is no longer funny. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I woke up this morning from a dream I was swimming in a river of orange soda, then I realized it really was a Fanta sea. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Honey...your 10 lb makeup bag tells me all I need to know about your fake ass personality. (Toni Daniels)
____ Don't quote me on this... but I was told a secret that people who say, "Don't quote me on this" are the same people who can't keep a secret. (Jack Wagon)
____ I like to play this drinking game where I take a shot at every red light and this is why I'm not allowed to adopt children. (Mike Seriously)
____ I dont have a police record but I think I have a Sting cassette tape somewhere (Mys ter E)
____ Scroll down for the most hilarious post ever...
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. Scroll back up for the biggest lie ever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "Eat shit and die" ~ every fly's bucket list, probably. (Jack Olivar)
