YOU NEED HOLIDAY SEASON / CHRISTMAS STATUS UPDATES? WE HAVE HOLIDAY SEASON / CHRISTMAS STATUS UPDATES:

My FACEBOOK FANS have had a lot to say about "the most wonderful time of the year".These were originally posted last year. Enjoy!

____ All I want for Christmas is a go-go gadget bitchslapping arm. Is that too much to ask? (Lisa James)
____ My favorite part of Christmas is family dinner and all the drunken confessions. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that. (Helen Long)
____ Every time this status goes unliked a reindeer dies. (Rob Parsley)
____ My kids still think that mistletoe comes in sandwich bags. (Mustache Mann)
____ Santa is Satan misspelled. I'm on to you, Fatman. (StevieLyn Green)
____ Ok, I need you guys to vouch for me. I accidentally spelled Satan instead of Santa in Christmas lights and my neighbors are convinced my star of Bethlehem is a pentagram. Oh dear! (Donny Norris)
____ Just bought forty copies of Justin Bieber's latest CD as Christmas presents for all those who really pissed me off throughout 2012. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Yeah, I can see where decorating your office for Christmas takes priority over you actually doing the job you're getting paid for. While you're at it you might as well decorate the bathroom too, someone might actually give a sh*t in there. (Toni Daniels)
____ Don't know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ This is my Christmas letter. The kids are getting big and sh*t, some old people died this year and sh*t, you should be receiving the lame holiday post card with the gaudy holly borders of me and the fam on the beach this summer. We are having weather and sh*t and we love you and miss you and sh*t. -Me. This is how they might as well all read. (Donny Norris)
____ "Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count. (William Hale)
____ I hope my mum gives me money for Christmas this year instead of another musical jewelry box that plays "Someday My Prince Will Come." (Mya Sisnice)
____ I would like to beat the Christmas Spirit into some folks. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear Everyone I Know, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come just left and it looks like you're getting jack sh*t from me again this year. Merry Christmas! (Bob Brittain)

____ Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, will you be putting this up yourself? NO YOU SICK BASTARD!! I'm putting it up in my living room! (John Jordan)
____ We don't have mistletoe at Christmas, so we just kiss under the influence. (Tom Guntorius)
____ You have 5 minutes to repost this to 8 of your closest friends and loved ones or you will have 7 years of bad luck, a broken mirror, a black cat crossing your path, leftover spaghetti in your hair, 4 chicken wings, 2 ugly Christmas sweaters, and a partridge in a pair of trees. (Juliet Abram)
____ I'm making everyone's Christmas gifts this year, so if you were thinking about friending me you may want to wait until the New Year. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Lets just forget about Christmas past and remember to get my Christmas present. (Lisa James)
____ Ok, I've got Christmas covered. Tons of boxes wrapped and under the tree. Nothing is in them. I'm going to stage a break-in on Christmas Eve, hide the boxes and lie to the kids about all the cool stuff that got stolen. (Donny Norris)
____ I just stole Santa's naughty list! Ironically, it's almost identical to my friends list. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If Santa doesn't bring me something good I'm going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight. (Thomas Christopher)

Like these? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK... or Santa won't bring you squat. Do the right thing.

IT'S THANKSGIVING, PEOPLE. I FOUND SOME OF THE BEST FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT THANKSGIVING:

I'm thankful that the people on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE care enough to share their Facebook status updates about being thankful, or not being thankful, or rotten turkey, or various uses for turkey basters. They share a lot of information, actually. Too much...just like my own family, on Thanksgiving and every other day of the year. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

____ Walmart will be open on Thanksgiving evening, in case you need another Butterball or want to beat your children in public. (Stacy Fournier)
____ My favorite part of Thanksgiving is when I sit by myself and have Jim Beam and Skittles, just like the pilgrims. (Tom William)
____ I'm going to write a book called, "How To NOT Hate Yourself After A Thanksgiving Meal". It's going to be completely blank. (Jordan McDaniel)
____ This year I'm celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I'm going to invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house for an enormous feast. After that I'll kill them and take their land. (Captain Jerk)
____ Sitting at home all alone eating pizza and drinking rum and Coke. Best Thanksgiving ever! (Sean Shipley)
____ My family thinks I'm not going to drink this Thanksgiving. Little do they know, I've got 8 bottles of Vanilla extract hidden in the spice rack. (See More)
____ I hope this is the year Charlie Brown says "screw the football" and kicks Lucy's head off. (Bob Brittain)
____ Why is everyone telling me to have a "Happy Thanksgiving"? Isn't it enough I have to be thankful now you want me to be happy about it? (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Yeah, I wear sweatpants and a band shirt to Thanksgiving dinner because I'm classy. (Corey Watts)
____ Hau'Oli Mahalo Kokua! ~ Happy Thanksgiving to all!!! (Stephanie Manera)
____ Does anyone else find it ironic that Americans spend the most money on new things the day after they say they're grateful for what they already have? (Deb Esposito Corcoran)
____ If you tell me to be at your house at noon for Thanksgiving dinner and it's still not ready three hours later, I'm going to stab you with a fork. (OverDose)
____ I like to think that somewhere tonight a turkey that talks like Sean Connery has successful orchestrated an escape. (Donny Norris)
____ I have a few Thanksgiving jokes, but I'm saving them for when I'm hiding in the bathroom from my family. (Mike Seriously)
____ I was too lazy to make Thanksgiving dinner, so I just put pics of what it MIGHT have looked liked on the table for the kids. Clean up was easy though. (Mustache Mann)
____ You know that one relative you hate inviting to thanksgiving because he may flake out on everybody and you don't know if it's safe to keep any silverware around him? I'm doing better. (Dorraj Koob)
____ I can hardly wait for Thanksgiving so I can see Uncle "What's His Name" and catch up with those other people. (Donny Norris)
____ If you've never seen a guest pretend to give someone a turkey baster enema before, apparently you've never invited me over for Thanksgiving before. (Jack Olivar)
____ I just couldn’t wait to get here for thanksgiving so I can hear what everyone will say about why they're thankful for me (Adam Apple)
____ "Only one more day before I'll be elbow deep inside a dead animal's carcass" ~ Thanksgiving stuffing (Jack Olivar)
____ Happy Thanksgiving to the biggest bunch of lonely, offensive, dysfunctional, alcoholic, self-gratifying, pompous, rude, sarcastic, ugly, sunlight-hating, foul-mouthed people around. No wonder I like you all so much! (Bob Brittain)
____ I hope I thawed these Hungry Man turkey dinners long enough..... (Mustache Mann)
____ Thanksgiving at my house is usually served with a hearty dose of guilt, shame and regret.. followed by a piece of, am I really related to these people and a nice glass of what the hell. (Toni Daniels)
____ Decided to lay down, unbutton my pants and watch football after my Thanksgiving meal. The manager at Applebee's was not happy. (Toni Daniels)
____ It's that time year again where I'm always asked- "Is that a turkey in your pants, or are you getting arrested?" I'm getting arrested. (Mike Seriously)
____ I went out to the car to put the frozen turkey that the company gave me for Thanksgiving in my trunk and found the one they gave me last year..... Explains the smell. (Donny Norris)
____ May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump, may your potatoes and gravy have a nary lump. May your yams be delicious, And your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs! HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL.......... (Shafique Khatri)
____ I'm really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore. (Jack Olivar)
____ THANKSGIVING: Family Dysfunction at its best. (Dotty Joyner)
____ Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer. True Story. (Jerry Hoffmann)
____ Apparently in 1963 some starving pilgrims ate some indians and molested turkeys or something like that. I didn't really pay much attention to history class. Anyway to my extended MSIB family (who by the way I like much more than my actual family) Happy Thanksgiving! (Sean Shipley)
____ In the spirit of Thanksgiving I think I'll update my status in the same room as my family. (SamGirl Sunday)

____ The thing I like best about dinner rolls is that they give me something to soak up my tears with while I eat my Hungry Man turkey dinner by myself. :( (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm thankful for vodka and for having the type of family that will make sure I feel the need to drink mass quantities of it today. (Bob Brittain)
____ This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here. (Danny Coleiro)
____ The family and I decided to to smoke the turkey this year. It was awesome.... but then we were still hungry and had a bad case of the munchies. :( (Mustache Mann)
____ Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone! Except you, Nickelback. You guys should just shut up. (Thomas Christopher)
____ This year, for Thanksgiving...I am apparently drunk texting everybody in my phone book to let them know I am "thinking about them....and we have various issues to discuss". (Rae Broman)
____ Time to start thawing the Thanksgiving hot dogs ?? (R Scott Gilmore)
____ We may not celebrate it here, but in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm eating a kebab. Because it comes from Turkey. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and all those big balloons reminds me that I'm fat and that could be me next year. (Bob Brittain)
____ Ooo Ooo, you know what I'm super excited about? THE THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE!! ~ Boring people (Donny Norris)
____ How To Cook A Turkey:
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out (Shawn Troxel)
____ May your Turkey be Wild and your Cranberry be mixed with Grey Goose! (Jason Wright)
____ So, Thanksgiving is "relatively" annoying. (Adam Apple)

Like these? Like my page on FACEBOOK. I'll be thankful, I swear.

NEW, FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES? WE HAVE THEM. PLENTY OF THEM. 115 OF THEM, TO BE EXACT.

If you have visited my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE in the last two weeks, you may have seen a few of these hilarious status updates, shared by my readers, listed in order of "likes" they received. As always, I thank all of you for sharing your wit.

____ The first rule of condescending club is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you. (Jack Olivar)
____ Me: Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see. I got a fever of a hundred and three...
911 Operator: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?
Me: Maybe
911 Operator: Sir...please stop (Jack Olivar)
____ I woke up late. - obamas fault. I stubbed my toe - obamas fault. I hit a squirrel - obamas fault. I have indigestion - obamas fault. I hate you - obamas fault. (Lisa James)
____ Had a good workout at the gym today. 50 reps on the bench press. Working my way up to actually putting weights on the bar. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ ...so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down... (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Marriage is basically just 99% replying to each other with... "I don't care, what do you want for dinner?" (Jack Wagon)
____ Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you're in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work. (John Geiger)
____ My wife: “What’s Facebook like?” Me: “It’s amazing.” Her: “OK, I’ll join.” Me: “Oh look, Facebook just shut down forever. That’s too bad.” (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Wow.. I didn't know spandex could hold that much. (Toni Daniels)
____ America was not shut down properly. Would you like to restart America in safe mode? (Recommended) (Kara Felice)
____ I would never take a bullet for anyone, because taking something that's not yours is called stealing and stealing is just plain wrong. (Gary Hensley)
____ Personally I think that every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about." ...(Shauna Richards)
____ Bread is so lazy. All it does is loaf around. I'll leave now. (Stacy Fournier)
____ If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those. (Gary Hensley)
____ Call me crazy, but I don't think I really need to be in this mental institution. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure & called an ambulance. (Billy Guy)
____ Every time this status gets a 'Like' a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ No, Ignorance isn't bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid. (Lisa Brooks)
____ If you love her...let her go...*Grandma wanders into traffic* (Eric Caro)
____ Government shut down my ass, I never even noticed they were open. (Captain Jerk)
____ If I learned anything from my children, it's that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it. (Stacy Fournier)
____ No stupid people were harmed in the making of this status, I came up with this shite all by myself. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Marriage. When dating goes too far. (Olivia May)
____ I'm going to have to delete some relatives on account of their serious ass comments on my amazingly hilarious ass statuses. #buzzkill (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ "Hey man, got any pot?" - homeless plants (Lisa Brooks)

____ Please don't ask me how my weekend was. You don't care. You just want to tell me about yours. And I don't care. So don't. (Sean Shipley)
____ My friends are always saying how funny and awesome they think I am. Mostly because they are imaginary and I tell them what to think. (Stacy Fournier)
____ My great grandma raised 12 kids and had dinner on the table every night...I just went braless into Wendy's and got a frosty for dinner. (Long, Wide, and Thick)
____ How do you people get your ducks in a row? Mine aren't responding to verbal threats OR threatening gestures. (Lisa Brooks)
____ Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ "IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE." "Sir this is a Cheese grater." "WHERE'S YOUR MANAGER?!" (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: Sir, have you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age. (Rick Montgomery)
____ I got angry, threw my Nokia phone at a wall and watched as it smashed into a million pieces. The phone's fine though. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It's a lot easier to see what's coming when you're only driving at eleven miles an hour. (Harry Norbert)
____ Facebook: where 20-year stand-up comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis on MSIB. (James McCauley)
____ My wife wanted a puppy .I didn't want a puppy . So we compromised and got a puppy. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ I hate it when people try to be funny...is probably what everybody thinks after they read my posts. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I was super lazy today. It's like regular lazy but I wore a cape. (Chris P. Bacon)
____ If you watch Scarface backwards, it's about a man who gives up cocaine and crime and becomes a dishwasher to earn enough money so that he can achieve his dream of moving to Cuba. (Gary Hensley)
____ I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the Old West architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone... (John Geiger)
____ MSIB: We all deserve to have someone in our lives that sees us at our worst and yet somehow still approves. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Save your little napkin, bartender. I don't plan on having this drink long enough to set it down. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ I don't like being out of my comfort zone (aka: my bed). (Stacy Fournier)
____ Coworker: I don't even know what's wrong with me. *sighs*
Me: Oo Oooo, pick me, pick me! I know! *raises hand with answer* (Christopher Kutzler)
____ Sometimes I feel like my life is a foreign movie with no subtitles. I just keep nodding, smiling and thinking WTF. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I'm on this great new diet where I tell everyone about it and then it doesn't work. (Sean Shipley)
____ They can probably ditch the "Insane" part, as it's pretty much implied in the concept of a posse made entirely of clowns. (Gary Hensley)
____ Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping. (Chesty La Rue)
____ It's only October 3rd and I've already beaten the shit out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances. (Gary Hensley)
____ Try to live in the present. The moment you read that is no longer happening. This one is. Oops. That one's gone too. You suck at this. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours. (Olivia May)
____ You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I'm making a real puking pumpkin this year. I have saved up all my puke for a month! (Lisa James)
____ Hell hath no fury like a woman for no particular reason. (Donna Hudon)
____ Cop : Sir , have you been drinking ?
Me : *slowly unbuttons shirt to reveal underlying superman t-shirt* Its me. *winks*
Cop: please get out of the car. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ oooohhh, the handles on the mattress are to MOVE it!! I have been totally misusing them this whole time! (Lori Anne)
____ Here's a tip for you: When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again. This way, if they ever leave you, they'll get withdrawal symptoms, think it's love, and come back. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I'd welcome all you government employees to MSIB but we all know you guys have been here the whole time. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I love u. I hate u. I love u. I hate u. I love u. I hate u. Oh, don't mind me. I'm just being a woman. (Lisa Brooks)
____ Can't stand girls who try to sneeze all cute and dainty. It's a sneeze, not a mating call. Just emit it in a violent explosion like the rest of us do. (Stacy Fournier)
____ Quitting smoking cold turkey was easy for me. Quitting smoking tobacco on the other hand, was quite a challenge. (Olivia May)
____ Trust me dude, I’m just as excited as you are when I take my bra off. (Victoria Beaver)
____ Deep thought and deep sleep can look a lot alike. At least, that's what I tell my boss. (Stacy Fournier)
____ They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Crap You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it. (Billy Guy)
____ Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I'll finish this later. (Dina Malinchalk Sadler)
____ You say, "potato", I say, "whiskey". (Chris P. Bacon)
____ You know, when chemists die, we barium. (Les Chinyanga)
____ If you ever tell me to "turn that frown upside down" I will probably punch you in the windpipe, smile, and thank you for changing my mood. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If you go for a jog and you don't post it on Facebook, have you really jogged? (Stacy Fournier)
____ Dont trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers. (Les Chinyanga)
____ Cop : have you been drinking sir ?
Me : one medium double quarter pounder meal please.
Cop : please come out of the car.
Me : sprite (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ “Pets must be on a leash.” “No smoking.” “No alligators allowed.” I’m starting to think these rules were written just to target me and my smoking alligator. (Rick Montgomery)
____ It's truly amazing that taxi drivers spend their whole lives in a car, but never discover air conditioning. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done. (Gary Hensley)
____ You're only as old as you feel ... so today I'm like 98. (Olivia May)
____ I’m posing nude for an art class tomorrow...Nobody asked me to.I think they’re making ceramic bowls, or something. (John Geiger)
____ I wouldn't say I have a case of the Mondays...a keg would be more like it. (Rick Montgomery)
____ No, I'm not a terrible driver, I'm just a really good stunt woman. (Lisa Brooks)
____ Name Brands really are better. For instance, I found out that a "Tide Pen" works much better on a stain, then a regular pen. (John Geiger)
____ So texting while driving is now illegal, but I can still update my Facebook status, right? Asking for a friend. (Stacy Fournier)
____ Some thing's are better left unsaid, until you know...Beer. (Ime Anass)
____ I'm so Irish I drink water and piss Whiskey. (Tyler Talbot)
____ I could never live on the moon. I'm pretty sure it's always night time there. And I'm scared of the dark/space-sky. (Eric Caro)
____ When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music." When I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave the hardware store". (Mark Hung)
____ *wife stares at me* *I stare at her* *she frowns* *I smile* "You didn't notice my new-" "NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES." "Dress." (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ According to WebMD my penis has an elbow. (Jack Wagon)
____ Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. (Hollywood Allan)
____ You're not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone. (Randy Masters)
____ Justin Bieber vomited on stage twice during a concert. That settles it! She's pregnant. (Randy Masters)
____ Gaining weight while you owe me money is a BIG sign of disrespect. (Siphiwe Khumalo)
____ I'm at my most productive when I'm naked. And not at work. And asleep. I don't understand the question. (Victoria Beaver)
____ Psstt...I’m starting my plan to grow an Amish beard today. Sorry, guys – you can’t have all the fun. (Shauna Richards)
____ I just spent my "Halloween Candy" money on a couple of cases of Samuel Adams Oktoberfest beer. I hope the trick or treaters are happy with the Sweet'N Low packets and Bounce Fabric Softener sheets that they are getting this year. (Jack Thomas Jr.)
____ I don't like strange kids knocking on my door at night or the thought of spending tons of money on candy. This Halloween I'm wrapping my home in the crime scene tape I stole from the police station. (Captain Jerk)
____ Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja (Gary Hensley)
____ A sign seen at a drug rehab facility: "PLEASE KEEP OFF THE GRASS." (Steven Nibur)
____ *Playing game for first time* "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *2 minutes later* Me: "How the f*&$ do you play this sh*t?" (Olivia May)
____ Is it a crime to hand out chocolate covered scotch bonnet peppers for Halloween? (Beau Diggity)
____ Scientists still can't decide if insane people own multiple cats or if owning multiple cats makes people insane. (Sean Shipley)
____ One night stands are like elevator rides: We're only together for a certain purpose, for a very short time. Let's not ruin it by talking. (Donna Hudon)
____ Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths. (Sammy Coleman)
____ My daughter brought her new boyfriend home tonight. He was quiet but polite. Not once did he ask me why...I was holding an axe. (Harry Norbert)
____ I like when you like my status. Like if I could like your like that liked my status I would like it. Like you know I what I mean ? ¤LMS¤ (Brandon Elliott James)
____ My friend was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF. (John Geiger)
____ This "normal" that you speak of...it doesn't sound fun at all. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Last night I watched a movie about Stockholm Syndrome. At first I hated it, but halfway through I never wanted it to end. (Rick Montgomery)
____ I don't know if there is any weirder feeling than getting your socks wet in the toilet. (Viktor Marackov)
____ Don't be alarmed by the giant fart sound echoing across America. It's just the government shutting down. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ WORD OF THE DAY: "OBAMA" As in: I bought a 12 pack of beer and drank it OBAMA self. (Carla Albright)
____ If you leave beer in my fridge, that sh*t is no longer yours. (Siphiwe Khumalo)
____ I like to listen to sad music when I’m sad to make me double sad. (Imraan Jussab)
____ Miss MSIB : Okay ,one last thing before I feature you on my blog. Lets check your Google search history.
Me : I'll show myself out... (Karanbir Singh Tinna)

HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT FOOD:

My readers don't just take pictures of their food and post them on Facebook. They write status updates about food, too. A lot of them. There are disturbing amounts of status updates about food, actually. For more status updates (not necessarily about food), follow us on FACEBOOK.

___ I think I've found the perfect cure for hangovers, guys. This morning I dunked my bagel in vodka and put some olives on it. I'm calling it the martini bagel. (Jack Olivar)
____ If you see a plate of bacon running down the street screaming "HELP ME!" please return it to me. It's totally overreacting. (William Hale)
____ An easy way to "have your cake and eat it, too" is to buy two cakes. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. (Erek Beard)
____ All hope was lost. All faith was extinguished. Then, I found a bag of Cheetos on top of the fridge. (Juliet Roxspin)
____ I think my favorite part about Facebook is that no one can tell when I'm rubbing ice cream on my chest. (Chesty La Rue)
____ This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam. :( (Jack Wagon)
____ There had better be cheese at the end of this maze.  (Hollywood Allan)
____ My spirit animal is a hollow chocolate bunny. You know, the one with the ear bitten off. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Whenever anyone's all like "this is my jam", I'm all like "I prefer strawberry". (Jack Olivar)
____ I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing. (Hollywood Allan)
____ To supplement my income, I bought a food truck. After people pay, I simply drive away...100% income! (Dave Murawski)
____ I just saw the cast of Jersey Shore! Oh wait... That's just a pile of oranges. (Cory Nation)
____ If you cut up your pizza in little pieces, you can use them as a topping for your other pizza. (Kelly-Brooke Collins)
____ If you don't put your leftovers in Tupperware for at least two weeks before throwing them in the trash, you're doing it wrong. (Jack Wagon)

____ Considering it's only $55/year, Costco is like the cheapest restaurant ever, isn't it? (Jack Olivar)
____ To the girl Scout that tried to sell me Carmel delites. Eff you, they will always be called "Samoas". (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I'm not saying Burger King is slow, but I ordered the Angry Whopper & by the time I got it we were on speaking terms again. (Mo Ron)
____ I don't know how many calories are in these Shrinky Dinks...but they taste like sh*t. (Jack Wagon)
____ If you'd like to watch some real Hunger Games, catch me towards the end of the month after all my bills have been paid as I hunt for food in my kitchen. (Just Sage)
____ I saw guy at the store hand his girlfriend some “cutie” oranges and say “you're the real cutie.” Then I went to the bedding aisle and screamed into a pillow. (Michael Brown)
____ Eating 2 year old trail mix and updating my status about it because I'm one fearless bitch who's not afraid to be judged. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Just ate three cans of Spaghettio's and threw up violently. Now I know how Stephenie Meyer wrote the Twilight series. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Last one to like this is a rotten egg! (Mike Seriously)
____ Good news! This stigmata on my body turned out to be barbeque sauce. (Shabana Essack)
____ CNN reports a teenager invented a 20-second phone charger and an 80-year-old climbed Mt. Everest. I ate a donut in four bites. (David Blue Smith)
____ I wonder how long I'll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I've been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake. (Stephanie Manera)
____ There's never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit." (Mike Seriously)

FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS / LOVE / DATING / STALKING:

Love is expressed in many ways: A letter, a touch, a special song that says exactly what you are thinking but can't find the words to say yourself. Yes, there are many romantic ways to show love. Even on Facebook.

____ "Are you single?" "No, I'm in a committed endless discussion about where to have dinner." (Imraan Jussab)
____ The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ I think once we get past the restraining orders and the court dates and the stalking charges, we can really make this relationship work. (Gwen Masterson)
____ You call it stalking...I call it a complicated long distance relationship with lack of effort to make this thing work on your part. (Nikki Sholar)
____ You call it Russian Roulette. I call it coming home to my wife every day. (Hollywood Allan)
____ that awkward moment when you realize your husband DOES check Facebook. (Andi Rogers)
____ "In an unhealthy relationship" should definitely be a Facebook option. (Sean Shipley)
____ I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own. (Adam Apple)
____ Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd. (Sherman Dee Moose)
____ Can somebody lower their standards and fall in love with me, please? (Seb Diesel)
____ Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love. Sure, if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If you like someone, tell them. Or just stalk them on every social network and cry yourself to sleep every night. It's whatevs. (Matt Procella)
____ It's better to have loved and lost than to have me punch you in the esophagus. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Every now and then I like to reflect on marriage and think to myself, "Where would I be, if not for my husband?" Then I get all depressed and have to stop because I keep coming up with all these great answers. (Stacy Fournier)
____ You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date. (Mustache Mann)

____ As I sit here in my boxers playing xbox, drinking beer, and covered in cheetos dust with a gravy stain on my shirt; I can't help but wonder, how am I still single? (Sean Shipley)
____ Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist. (Rita Filakia)
____ There ain't no mountain high enough to keep me from getting to you. Unless its an actual mountain. Then forget it. (Ember Sclafani)
____ I thought that stalking my stalker would be a good idea, but we've both been stuck up this same tree for three days now. (Danny Coleiro)
____ You had me at "what's a restraining order?" (Mustache Mann)
____ I love watching Facebook relationships flourish into beautiful bonds...then watching them burn into a miserable and horrifying crash. (Jesse A Kinkead)
____ If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes. (Cassie Tarner)
____ Never try to be someone you’re not, because then people are like, “Hey! You’re not my husband!” and then they call the police. (Rick Montgomery)
____ I always give women flowers after we've gone out for a week or two since they usually need cheering up at that point in our relationship... (See More)

FUNNY STATUS UPDATES ABOUT WORK / JOBS / THE OFFICE:

Albert Einstein once said, "If A equals success, then the formula is A= X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." My readers have ignored Albert, thankfully, and have shared a bunch of humorous Facebook status updates about jobs. These will be particularly helpful for those of you about to graduate and enter the workforce. This is your future:

____ I wonder if I can figure out a way to get a hologram of myself to go to work tomorrow? (Beau Diggity)
____ My dream job is to be that guy at the mall who plays with those remote controlled helicopters all day. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn't have one damn ride. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Listening to customers at work has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ "Okay. Everyone here hates you and hopes you die" is, apparently, not what your boss is expecting when he exclaims "Tell me something I don't know!" (Danny Coleiro)
____ I don't have to be sitting on the "dock of the bay" to waste time, I do it perfectly fine in my office chair. (Crystal Mann)
____ If there are cameras in the elevators at work I'm in big trouble. (Toni Daniels)
____ I could never work for CSI. I would always want to run through the yellow crime tape like I just came in first place at a marathon. (Mike Seriously)
____ I love when my boss tells me I can work from home because, well, naps. (Jack Olivar)
____ Some people say I’m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we’re going to have to let you go." (Mike Seriously)
____ If falling asleep at work is wrong.....I don't wanna be caught. (Rob Parsley)
____ I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap...sell it for 1.8 million and retire. That's my plan. (Donny Norris)
____ Wrote my resume on a bar napkin. I got the job and they're sending me away on a 30 day business trip and they give you free key chains! :) (Jack Wagon)
____ I'm running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse? (Beau Diggity)
____ The only thing I'm really learning from this 401K meeting at work is that I'll probably never be able to retire. (Stacy Fournier)

____ Happy (outsourced) Labor Day! (Brandon M)
____ In 1987, my teacher made me write "I must hand my work in on time" five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway...I'm finally done. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This is ridiculous - I have so much work to do, I can barely get on Facebook. My boss is rude. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Apparently the height of my business success occurred at age 14 while playing Monopoly. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm not a doctor but I play one on Match.com. (Mike Seriously)
____ I worked as a photographer once and shot some weddings. Sooo much blood. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ FYI wearing camouflage at your desk so no one sees you sleeping doesn't work. (Thomas Christopher)
____ At work during break, I sometimes stand by the coffee machine and wonder if a beautiful co-worker will come by and pour coffee over herself in slow-mo. That would be hot! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ So how long does this MSIB season last? I kinda need to get back to my job and stuff. (Nathan Drake)
____ I just walked into my coworker's office out of the blue, hugged him, and said "Hey, bro. For what it's worth, I think it was bullsh*t and I'm gonna miss you!" Then I quickly walked out while he frantically shouted "What? What?!" behind me. Hahahaha (Donny Norris)
____ I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Unfortunately, at no point during my workday, does anyone ever have a reason to shout my name and then toss me a sword. (John Jordan)

Do you have a funny status updates to share about working (or not working, for that matter)? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and post it! Thanks for reading! Oh, and a special congratulations to Maria Dugo -my favorite graduate. You will go far in life, provided you don't listen to me or any of these people on my blog. Good Luck!

I DIDN'T FACEBOOK YOU. VODKA FACEBOOKED YOU. MORE STATUS UPDATES ABOUT DRINKING / BEING DRUNK:

ARE YOU TOO DRUNK TO COME UP WITH A FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE? MY BLOG AND FACEBOOK FAN PAGE HAVE PROVIDED WITTY, ALCOHOL-RELATED STATUS UPDATES SINCE 2009. HERE ARE SOME OF THEM:

____ Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk." (Jay'Arr Zone'Dee Stewart)
____ On Saturday mornings my kitchen counter looks like a beer memorial. (Lisa James)
____ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit on a boat all day drinking beer and holding a fishing pole. (Sarah Burns)
____ In college, I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking. (Chris Hallman)
____ If drinking destroys your memory…what does drinking do? (Kristie Jackson Schibbelhute)
____ If you're drunk enough, everything can be a piñata. (Mike Seriously)
____ I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is? (Rhoda Noland)
____ Still crazy after all these beers. (Lisa James)
____ Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's called the Heineken Maneuver. (Jason Diederich)
____ I miss you like my hand misses holding a beer. (Sharon Petracek)
____ I may be drunk but that doesn't give you the right to take advantage of me...said myself to myself. (Jason Diederich)
____ Remember, if you get too drunk to drive tonight, drink until you pass out where you are. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Just saw some statistics about the way that people walk when drunk. They were staggering! (Hollywood Allan)
____ Can't we just cut out the middleman and start watering orange trees with vodka?
(Jack Olivar)

DRUNK FACEBOOK

____ never plans on saying dumb things but then alcohol happens. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ This may be the best beer ever! But I'll drink the other 11 just to make sure. (Mike Seriously)
____ Alcohol doesn't make me an angry person, people do. (Nawnee Kuuipo K)
____ I don't know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ I've been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...(Hugh Jorgan)
____ Officer, you sure ask a lot of questions for someone that doesn't even know me. (Mustache Mann)
____ I did nothing all day long. I deserve a drink. (Stephanie Manera)

If you liked these, please consider becoming a FAN ON FACEBOOK. If you hate laughing and funny things, then it's probably not your thing. However, I DID say please, and that's really rare these days. Do you really want to hurt me?

FUNNY AND WITTY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT FACEBOOK:

Not surprisingly, one of the most popular subjects discussed on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE is Facebook. We like to poke fun at Facebook, our friends on Facebook, the subjects currently being discussed on Facebook and so much more. Then, I sort the best ones by the amount of likes they receive. Here are a few of my favorite all-time status udpates about FACEBOOK. Thanks to everyone who has shared these over the years and continue to make the page the most original status update source around.

____ If you don't have Facebook...what do you do with your drunken rants and pics of food that nobody wants to read or see? (Mustache Mann)
____ A few short years ago, I had no idea what to do with all the unflattering pictures I took of myself in the bathroom. Not anymore! Thanks, Facebook! (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends. (Gail Pemberton)
____ If you have over 600 friends, you should NOT have to take a picture of yourself. (Mike Foster)
____ I wear a trench coat so that when people unfriend me I can just grab my boombox and stand outside their window with it over my head until they agree to take me back. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I often refrain from using the word 'f*ckwit' on Facebook because I'm worried it might automatically tag a million or so people. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook. (Nikki Sholar)
____ Some guy stole my status last night, re-worded it, and got more likes than I did. It was a friendly competition in the beginning. Now he's dead. Who wants to go ice skating with me? (Juliet Rockspin)
____ The stupid Facebook Timeline is completely ruining the whole "Drink Till You Forget" concept. Now I have a drinking problem AND get to remember everything. (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ Just reached 241 Facebook friends. IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, DAD?!?! (Jacob Grant)

____ When filling out a resume, is "Facebook friends" capitalized? (Justin John Bernard)
____ I like having an ex-boyfriend...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning. (Carrie Danley)
____ I am so tired of not being able to swear in my statuses since my family got Facebook. So f*ck it. Sorry grandma. (Chris Hallman)
____ Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you gets out of a DUI. (Sharon Petracek)
____ I'm at a red light and this is all I have time to post. (Donny Norris)
____ If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't know what to do with all these pictures of my lunch I had lying around. (William Hale)
____ Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew* (Mustache Mann)
____ when I die, they will look at my Facebook statuses and realize that my life was not wasted. (Eric West)
____ Wow, some people will do anything for a "like" on Facebook. Anyways, if you agree like my status. (Jason Rossi)
____ I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we'd post pictures of us doing it on Facebook. (Kylie Toyne)
____ I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. (Chris Batchelor)
____ Who needs the movies? Everything is right here on Facebook...Explicit Language, Sex, Drama, Suspense, Conspiracy to commit murder...Oh hold up that's in my house...Oh well it's on Facebook too. (LaDonna MsCarol Reed)
____ I find it shocking that none of my High School classmates that made my life miserable for four years and sent me a friend request on FB, have bothered to post on my wall today! I'm starting to think we may not actually be friends. (Rae Broman)
____ Roses are red ; Facebook is blue. 0 mutual friends; Who the hell are you? (Enem Paul)
____ I put my Facebook status as "I kissed a girl" and then I liked it. (Daivys Burgos)
____ whenever a Facebook friend shares bad news, I try to cheer them up by hitting the "like" button and commenting "lmao"! (Brad Smith)
____ I don't even know 75% of the people I'm friends with on Facebook. Why, then, do I get so upset when I see that my friend count has gone down by one? (Jacob L. Grant)

TAX DAY IS MONDAY, APRIL 15TH. HERE ARE A FEW FUNNY STATUS UPDATES REGARDING TAXES...BECAUSE IF WE DIDN'T LAUGH, WE'D PROBABLY CRY:

Ahh, it's almost TAX DAY, Americans (April 15th). I've gone through my past blog posts to find the funniest status updates about this hideous time of year in which we fill out forms we know nothing about and hope to get money and stuff back from the government. Enjoy!

____ is looking for friends with tax benefits. (Lisa James)
____ would have gotten a lot more back on my taxes if I could claim co-dependents. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I got BOMBED tonight and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I've ever played (Justin Sayson)
____ Oxymoron of the day: Tax Return (Cory Nation)
____ DID MY TAXES AND GOT SOMETHING BACK! The tax preparer turned his head and I made off with a stapler and 3 pens. (Donny Norris)
____ gets euphoric when I get my tax refund until I realize it was my money to begin with. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Just did my taxes, guess what? I owe the government 1 kidney, my first born child and 3 million dollars. I hate these new tax laws. (Gwen Masterson)

____ has been declared "legally dead" for tax purposes. (Scott Brady)
____ Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. (Dave Fletcher)
____ I got my tax refund yesterday. Now, I'm just trying to decide which vending machine to spend it at. (Sheree D. Mastern)
____ Can I add the voices in my head as dependents on my taxes? (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Hey folks, don't forget to pay your taxes this year so the government can give it to people that don't feel like working.
(Jeff Raynor)
____ "When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us." –Jimmy Kimmel
____ I take a bite of all my kids desserts to teach them early that life isn't fair and someone is always taxing your piece of the pie. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ H&R Block said I won't get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children. (Gerti Kola)
____ It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ "A dollar saved is a quarter earned." -Oscar Levant
____ "Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." -Herman Wouk

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with new status updates daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

FACEBOOK STATUS UDPATES ABOUT EXERCISE / WORKING OUT:

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT EXERCISE / WORKING OUT:
____ I was going to start jogging today, but then I remembered that I own a car. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ There is always that one person at the gym who thinks they're in the Olympics. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ So proud of myself. Even though I didn't make it to the gym earlier today, I got my ass up off the couch and changed the channel. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Workout Journal Day #5: Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me. (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to. (Stacy Fournier)
____ Never thought I would be one of those people who got up early to hit the gym every day. I was right. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ It takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile. Therefore, frowning is the superior exercise. (Donny Norris)

____ One of my fitness goals is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without any help. (Stephanie Manera)
____ My aerobics instructor told me to follow along in class the same way I would when I'm working out to an exercise video at home. So I stopped for a snack break after 10 minutes and then I just left. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy. Oh, that’s a mirror! I need to go to the gym. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That's why i think of jogging every morning. (Enem Paul)
____ Just saw theres an exercise called Burpee's. Finally something I will be good at. I can definitely burp and pee at the same time. (Lisa James)
____ just did a shot of wheatgrass* and now I'm off to the gym**!(*=bourbon, **=pub) (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)

I'm going through thousands of status updates and categorizing them as they should have been from the beginning. I've been blogging about Facebook status updates since 2009.  I will post a lot in the next few weeks. Thanks to everyone who reads and shares status updates from this blog or my FACEBOOK PAGE. You complete me!

FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM MY FAN PAGE:

I'm trying a new format with my blog posts because I know how difficult it can be to search through the hundreds of status updates posted on MY FACEBOOK PAGE, desperately trying to find one that matches your current mood. I've often felt that many of you share my short attention span. Also, you are smart-asses. And brilliant. What was I saying again? I want a sandwich. Hey, where's my shoe?

Status updates about the internet and/or technology:
____ I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of Ipads I've won & the number of Ipads I own. (Gary Hensley)
____ I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1979. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ There are so many scams on the internet now...Send me $19.95 and I'll tell you how you can avoid them. (Donna Hudon)
____ What if we are all just some losers Sims character? :/ (Donny Norris)
____ Why do we get that mini heart attack feeling when we leave for work without our phones? We made it through the 80s and the 80s rocked. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks. (Cygnus X-one)
____ I told my teen to be wary of strangers and "weirdos" on the computer. She should not pay any attention to them. Leave that to mommy. (Stephanie Manera)
____ likes 0 photos on Instagram. (Danny Coleiro)

Status updates about Facebook and/or stalking:
____ I'm inappropriate on Facebook because I have to be appropriate and follow the rules in real life. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ "Hello 911?" My friend is posting a lot of statuses on Facebook and I can't keep up... yes, I'll hold." (Jack Wagon)
____ why is it that when I meet people in real life they want to Facebook friend request me too? Isn't it enough you real life know me? Stalkers. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I'm married to him it doesn't mean I have to like him, right? (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ I hate when you're caught stalking in a tree outside someone's window so you freeze like a squirrel, and they're all like "I can still see you." (Jack Wagon)
____ You can steal my statuses if you want, but, I lick each one of them. With a cows tongue that I brought with me to a strip club. (Mustache Mann)
____ "Sure, you can share whatever you'd like! I enjoy our friendship and respect your thoughts and opinions! Unless I don't agree with you...then you're an idiot." -Everyone on Facebook (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)

Status updates about drinking/being drunk:
____ Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox. (Donna Hudon)
____ I don't plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I'm going to consume once I leave work. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I cry when a cop asks me to touch my nose during a sobriety test...because my uncle never gave it back. (Eric Caro)
____ I like to take a couple of shots of tequila every morning before work. It helps me be a team player. Instead of; " me, me, me", I walk around saying "WEEEEEEEEE!" (Dow Jones)

Facebook status updates about Music:
____ I haven't seen a good Johnny Cash status since I don't know when. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm pretty sure that if I'm shot through the heart and you're to blame, whether or not you give love a bad name is low on my list of priorities. (Jack Olivar)
____ Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics. (Hollywood Allan)

Completely random and just plain weird status updates:
____ When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I'll be able to fit". (Jack Olivar)
____ Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn't make a funny, cat-shaped hole. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Don't let the propeller hat fool you. I have no idea how to fly this plane. (Jack Wagon)
____ Operator: 9-1-1 please hold. Me: Ok. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec. Murderer: K. (Shabana Essack)
____ I went on a date with this guy and he took me to see a boring movie, so naturally, I fell asleep. When I woke up, he had his hand in my mouth and was trying to pull out one of my teeth!! We went out a few more times, but then he got weird. (Stacy Fournier)

Status updates about relationships / dating:
____ I know how to wink my eye in like, twelve different languages. (Jack Wagon)
____ Relationship status: BINOCULARS (Stephanie Manera)
____ I like online dating because your first couple of meetings you do from the comfort of your own couch, so you save on deodorant and shampoo and stuff.  (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar". (Shabana Essack)
____ My husband complains that I don't include him in enough things. That's bullshit. I just mentioned him in this status update. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I forgot how to play "hard to get" but I'm getting pretty good at "hard to get away from". (Stephanie Manera)
____ I'm so excited! I just got a date for this Sunday! It's March 31st, 2013. (Cygnus X-one)
____ Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to. (Trish Gill)

Status updates about food:
____ If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're a f***ing idiot. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ If you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free lunch. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm sorry I ate your chef hat. I thought it was a giant cupcake. (Jack Wagon)
____ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like can I have some and I’m like no f*** off what do you think this is a charity? (Shabana Essack)
____ I can't be the only one who thinks that Olive Garden would be so much more successful if it was named "The Garden of Eatin'". (Jack Olivar)

Status update that contains a pun:
____ I'll bet it's easy to tell orphans from non orphans...the difference is a parent. (Jack Olivar)

Status updates that contain wordplay:
____ I'm writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings attached. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I lived in the Middle East I would totally have a camel and name him Cameul L Jackson. (Jack Olivar)
____ "I'm always raising eyebrows." - a plastic surgeon probably (Lisa James)
____ Whenever one of my friends posts that "they have principals" I call their local police because holding school administrators is probably illegal. (Jack Olivar)
____ I just went down to McDonald's in Harlem. I don't get what all the hype is about. This shake is pretty normal. (Jack Olivar)
____ We'll we'll we'll if it isn't autocorrect. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I am never beside myself with worry because there being two of me standing side by side would only worry me more. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Notes to self: 1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem. 2. That’s stupid; don’t do that. 3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I only use curse-words for dramatic effuct. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Bondage...it's knot for everyone. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I hate it when people say "Take my word for it!" There are thousands of words in English, and I never know which one they mean. (Danny Coleiro)

Facebook status updates about Animals:
____ If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart, you can walk out with like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing. (Jack Wagon)
____ You must keep your eyes on the prize. Because the turtle who eats the grasshopper gets the worm. And like, everybody knows that. (Juliet Roxspin)
____ I think it's sad that blow fish can't lose weight even though they have a cocaine addiction. (Jack Wagon)
____ I'm guessing that the actual process of giving birth is what led to the extinction of the unicorn. (Jack Olivar)
____ I think it's pretty cool how storks are the only bird species that spent eight years in medical school to learn how to deliver a baby. (Jack Wagon)
____ I'll bet cats like the beach, because...well...giant litter box. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm pretty sure that if I was a kangaroo, I'd have like at least one potato sack race trophy on my wall. (Jack Wagon)

Status updates about having a bad day / stupid people:
____ Here walk a mile in my shoes. They're giving me huge blisters. (Lisa James)
____ Just when I manage to really convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ My background check bounced. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Nothing says "My life isn't going exactly as I planned" quite like being at WalMart at 1am. (Sean Shipley)
____ One of my favourite fantasies involves beating the $#@! out of stupid people. (Chesty La Rue)

Status updates about parenting / kids:
____ Not remembering where I set my drink down at parties must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ My wife wants me to stop referring to our kids as "those little sons of bitches". (Dave Prange)
____ My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists! (Stephanie Manera)
____ My daughter just sh*t in the toilet for the first time...which is surprising cause she's sevenf**kingteen. (Jack Wagon)
____ My 14 year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek god, Herpes, today. I guess I should cross Harvard off his list of potential schools. (Jack Olivar)

Status update about my FAN PAGE:
____ Nurse: What is MY STATUS IS BADDEST?
Me: It's a place where we can post statuses for people to steal and hopefully make it to the blog website.
Nurse: ......
Me: ......
Nurse: So it is like a cult?
Me: (waits for a minute)...yes...(Eric Caro)

FUNNY BIRTHDAY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

In an effort to better organize my website, I'm compiling status updates by subject. Whether it's your birthday or a Facebook friend's birthday, you can count on my FACEBOOK FANS and myself to help you avoid the obvious "Happy Birthday" wall post, which is almost worse than writing nothing at all. These have been collected over the course of several years. You may see a status update you have seen before. If this angers you, please send an email to my assistant at idonthaveanassistantyouidiot@yahoo.com. Thank you!

____ hates it when I'm trying to Facebook stalk someone and I realize I have to scroll through 100 lame birthday wishes before I can get to their good stuff again. (MSIB)
____ I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet. (Donny Norris)
____ Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday. (Mike Foster)
____ Thanks for all the birthday wishes, and screw everyone that forgot. (John E. Shalberg)
____ hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Thanks for the birthday wishes from everyone who noticed my name today in the upper right corner of their Facebook page. (Sherry Dyson)
____ My mom loves to remind me of that birthday where I ran around in my diaper throwing cake at people. ITS BEEN A WHOLE YEAR MOM, LET'S MOVE ON. (Gerti Kola)
____ Liking all the "Happy Birthdays" on your friend's wall at 2 am is the best way to say "Screw you, birthday boy." (Rory O'Donnell)
____ People who clap at the end of movies also join in singing "Happy Birthday" at a restaurant for a stranger. (Shafique Khatri)

____ Yeah..yeah...okay, I get it. Years ago, your son shot right out of your vagina. Alright, calm down. Happy Birthday to him. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Lazy Rule #12: when you don't want to type a "Happy Birthday" wish on someone's Facebook wall, just "like" the top greeting on the page and move on. (Sarah Mode)
____ I feel like a ninja when I wish people a Happy Birthday on Facebook at 12:01am. (Laurie Hicks)
____ The ridiculous situation when you discover that 31 of your Facebook friends share the same birthday and you only actually know 1 of them but there are three others that you converse with regularly and you don't feel like spending the time it will take to wish them all well so you decide to just pick the 4 out that you are the closest too but then you think, "OMG, what if the others notice and it hurts their feelings?!!", but then you think, "Hmmmm, isn't it kind of arrogant of you to think they would even notice?", then you begin to question your own character and opt to just type Happy B-day on all of their walls and spend the rest of your day searching your soul. (Donny Norris)
____ At kids birthday parties I like to play a game with my best friend called "Go to the bathroom and snort cocaine."(Chesty La Rue)
____ The day after my birthday I changed my birth-date to the next day to test a theory. Yup, nobody cared then either. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Facebook has made it completely impossible to complain that you were unaware of your friend's birthday. (MSIB)

Do you have a Facebook Status update about birthdays and you'd like to receive a virtual pat on the back? Post it on my FAN PAGE.

LOOKING FOR THE BEST FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES? THEY'RE ON THIS WEBSITE. ALL OVER IT.

Yes, I'm behind on posting new status updates from my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE, which happens to be the best status update source on Facebook*!

*based on a recent study of Facebook pages, conducted by me.

I still haven't made it through the thousands of status updates posted last month, but here are the first 66 I liked, in no particular order:

____ "Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I'll hold." (Jack Wagon)
____ First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat! You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Okay, who wants brownies? (Matt Procella)
____ From now on when I accept a friend request I'll just write on their wall: You belong to me now. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Where do we cash out these "Likes"? I need gas money, and by gas money I mean booze. (Jack Wagon)
____ Your roses are starting to wilt, the helium has seeped from your balloon, your candy is gone, you gained 3 pounds while you slept, you are left holding a Hallmark card that is identical to thousands and not special at all.... HAPPY POST VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE! (Donny Norris)
____ I'm a very modest person, mostly because I'm awesome. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s. (Donna Hudon)
____ If I were a zebra I'd be pretty pissed they didn't name me tiger horse. (Jack Olivar)
____ Did the Jetsons ever explain why there weren't any black people in the future? (Leilani Christine)
____ Don't piss me off. I will "you! (Lisa James)
____ Say what you will about Lance Armstrong...but I think he's amazing! When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike. (Shabana Essack)
____ I'm writing a funny new status about herpes, I hope you all get it. (Jack Olivar)
____ So there I was making funny faces in the bathroom mirror and I suddenly realized my ol' lady was right...I ain't never gonna grow up. (Beau Diggity)
____ I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now." (Sean Shipley)
____ I ate a cracker today...forgot to post it on Instagram. *throws self down a flight of steps* (Jack Wagon)
____ Normally I can't dance to save my life, but as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson (Hollywood Allan)
____ I just spilled 5 drops of gas, that's like $10.00 worth! (Lisa James)
____ Well, I guess now we have to change the expression to "who resigned and made you Pope?" (Dave Prange)
____ Just saved a whole lot of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and fleeing the scene. (Aaron Nunnery)
____ My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'd like to thank the bars for being there for me. (Lisa James)
____ MY STATUS IS BADDEST is like that little hole in the wall that has the best steak and you don't want everybody to know about it. (Mustache Mann via Donny Norris)
____ MY STATUS IS BADDEST, will you be my Valentine? Don't make me get the van. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ So... I met this girl on Monday, took her for a drink on Tuesday, we were making love by Wednesday and I don't know the lyrics after that, sorry! :( (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I hate taking the bus to work, especially when I'm late. I can never find a place to park it. (Hollywood Allan)
____ My safe word is "Let's make a baby". (Chesty La Rue)
____ This gorgeous blonde, wearing nothing but an orange top hat, came up to me today riding on a panda, and accused me of taking hallucinogenic drugs. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sometimes you've got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?" (Eric Caro)
____ Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold. (Javier Spartikus Malave)

____ Apparently shrugging your shoulders is not the correct response to "OMG!, WHERE'S MY BABY?!!!" (Donny Norris)
____ Having a Facebook page reminds me a lot of high school...I make all the guys laugh then they go out with all the pretty girls. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Just saw there's an exercise called Burpee's. Finally, something I will be good at! I can definitely burp and pee at the same time. (Lisa James)
____ If I was an astronaut,I'd probably spend all my time trying to figure out how to get the Sun to cook that giant onion ring around Saturn. (Jack Wagon)
____ I don't know who's in charge of putting the little "tear here" signs on bags of Planters Peanuts but they need to fire his ass. (Donny Norris)
____ Just unknowingly picked up a cat turd off the floor with my bare hand, in case anyone was wondering how my night's going. (Lisa James)
____ It's been lovely but I have to scream now. (Chesty La Rue)
____ This procrastination feels like I'll be rushing to get shit done later. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON'T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS! (Donny Norris)
____ According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away." (Danny Coleiro)
____ Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that's your problem right there....you should have never tried that. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just deleted my "Weather Network" app because, Facebook... (Eric Caro)
____ If you think you can charm me into bed with your smooth talking and your rugged good looks and expensive Champagne, then you Sir, are in for the night of your life. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Today makes the 42nd year in a row that I haven't wore a shirt with an alligator logo on it. (Jack Wagon)
____ When my self-delusion and your vivid imagination combine, this status is f***ing hilarious. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I was just told I was not only creepy, but Christopher Walken creepy! This is a compliment, right? (Beau Diggity)
____ Old creepers at the bar should come with a Benny Hill theme. (Lisa James)
____ The number of words in your Starbucks coffee order is equal to the number of times I wanna kick the back of your head while standing in line. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ This gas smells like I'm sniffing gas. (Juliet Roxspin)
____ Keep scrolling, I got nothing. (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I always think of something sad when peeling onions so that I kill two birds with one stone. (Gathoni Anne)
____ No one wants to see any pictures of the flowers you receive today. (Imraan Jussab)
____ I'm so lonely, I just thanked a spider for dropping by. Before I crushed him. Because I hate surprises. TEXT ME FIRST, A$$HOLE. (Nicholas Arulnathan)
____ MSIB proverb: You can't have your status and like it too. (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ If you've never walked around your house looking for your phone only to realize it was in your hand, you are obviously not me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Leaving aside the obvious risk of infection, wearing your heart on your sleeve puts an unnecessary strain on your arterial system. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Busy planning my next big move. Do I lay on couch, or chill in the recliner? I've only got one shot at this, so I gotta make it count. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I hate it when people I don't like say "It just can't be done", and I have to spend the rest of my life desperately trying to prove them wrong. Anyway, I'm off to buy a hammer, a nail, some jello, and a ceiling. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I'm motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas. (Donna Hudon)
____ I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter. (Jack Olivar)
____ They say the lack of preservatives leaves Capri Sun susceptible to fermentation. I have started stocking them up in my desk! (Lisa James)
____ Nicki Minaj telling contestants they're bad singers on American Idol is like Michael Jordan telling people they're bad at baseball. (Eric Caro)
____ I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and diarrhea to strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on. You had your chance! (Stephanie Manera)
____ Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka. (Dave Murawski)
____ Did I already do my deja vu joke? (Les Chinyanga)

The next 65 Facebook status updates are HERE. You are here. Thank you.

MY READERS POST THE MOST SARCASTIC FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ON THE INTERNET. SO, SO SARCASTIC...

In an effort to catch up with the thousands upon thousands of hilarious Facebook status updates my FACEBOOK FANS have posted in 2013, I'm posting a ton of new stuff this week! Here are some more from February:

____ Turns out that in real life, whistling innocently while avoiding eye contact and slowly moving away from the scene of the crime is actually a dead giveaway. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce. (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Whenever I'm at work and someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME." (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ Ok, F**k you, fitted sheet! I don't care what that lady in the youtube video says, it's impossible to fold you! I don't care if you look like s**t in the linen closet! Die, fitted sheet, DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!! (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ You can get away with farting in front of a baby...they have no idea what's going on. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Can't get warm today, left the flask at home. (Lisa James)
____ My lack of strength is my greatest weakness. (Dave Prange)
____ My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I am breathing wrong. (Cygnus X-one)
____ Is "you look like someone that enjoys good food" a compliment, or was I just called fat? (Donna Hudon)
____ I am going to write my wife a love poem and hand pick a bouquet for her because I am a hopeless romantic and cheap. (Donny Norris)
____ Not everyone gets the standard "How are you feeling?" prompt on Facebook. Nope. A few of my friends keep getting "What do you wanna bitch about THIS time?" or "There are dreadful things happening all over the world today. Discuss." At least that's my theory. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I dip my fist in sugar before I punch my enemies in the face. Sweet, Sweet Revenge. (Lisa James)
____ ♪♫ Everybody cut, everybody cut, everybody cut Footloose ♫♪ ~ Me, if I were a surgeon amputating a gangrenous foot. (Jack Olivar)
____ I opened a Facebook page for my blow-up doll but the excitement was short lived. Someone poked her. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I found an awesome way to make time go by really fast at the office! I call it sleeping. (Beau Diggity)
____ I put the dumb in wisdom....wait....that's not right. (Jack Olivar)
____ I always carry a banana in my pocket because I think it would be pretty cool if some gorgeous girl ever came up to me, winked, and said suggestively, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?", and then I could reveal the banana with a flourish and say "It's a banana in my pocket" and then she'd walk away disappointed and I'll never get laid and I haven't really thought this through and I hate bananas anyway. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'll never join an online dating service. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way, through alcohol & poor judgement. (Dewald Jordaan)
____ That moment when you realize it's the other person in the room whose breath smells like shit and not yours. That. (Toni Daniels)
____ Roman Numerals...what are they good IV? (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held. (Elsie Daniels Broadnax)
____ I only post status updates when I have something else I definitely should be doing. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Now that the Post Office has stopped Saturday mail service, I guess I'll have to send off my ransom notes earlier in the week. (Eric Caro)
____ Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad. (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ I'm 42 years old and can drink a beer in my new couch cushion fort if I want to, Mom! (Jack Wagon)
____ Can I just get a relationship status that says I'm awesome and attract a lot of shit? (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just knew that she would calm down and give into my charm after that 30 minute chase throughout an alley. (King Julien)
____ Here's to the Superbowl! A day where fat, middle-aged, balding men sit on their couches scarfing beer and hoagies, screaming at 20 year old athletes that they're doing it wrong. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Backwards written is this realise to you take it did long how? But not this bit. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sorry I'm late, my car turned into a giraffe and I've never driven a giraffe before. (Shabana Essack)
____ I predict that World War 3 is going to be a Facebook fight. (Marené Gouws)
____ The only thing better than a guy with chocolate is just the chocolate. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven. (Hollywood Allan)
____ In 1989, someone told every woman named Barb that their hair looked good and they've been doing it the same ever since... (Chesty La Rue)
____ Just lit a cigarette off the stove...in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills. (Jack Wagon)
____ WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE WHO HAS VIEWED YOUR PROFILE! Donny Norris' profile has been viewed by: 325 men, 409 women, 8 ATF agents, The FBI, 18 cats, A psychiatrist and YOU! (Donny Norris)
____ If any illiterates are reading this, you're probably not. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee. (Cygnus X-one)
____ There's probably no cause for alarm, but if any of you happen to know how to stop the timer on a home-made nuclear bomb, a really quick reply would be great. Thanks. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I've had just about enough of everything today. Except alcohol, of course. I definitely need more of that. (Jack Olivar)
____ Did my Friday morning exercises: 50 jumping for joy jacks and 15 heel clicks. (Lisa James)
____ How to cuss a kid out: "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!" (Donna Hudon)
____ I went to the cinema last night. I had to buy 6 tickets because there was this stupid bitch that kept tearing them up. (Chesty La Rue)
____ My doctor misdiagnosed me with OCD. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind as soon as I get the magazines organized in the waiting room. (Toni Sinclaire)
____ "I just died in your arms" sounds much more romantic than "You're holding a dead body." (Richard Earle Crown)
____ The worst thing about being single is having to make your own sandwiches. (Lisa James)
____ Opening up a piece of candy and shoving it in my mouth really fast before my kids can even see it is one out of the many hidden talents I posses. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Relax, we're all crazy. It's not a competition. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I'd look out the window for that. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Just once I'd like to see a judge take a verdict slip from the jury, look at it, turn and say:"Are you f#*kin kidding me?!?!" (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say: "What the Hell are you doing?" (Donnie Ray Howell)
____ Use yes and no once. 1) Are you Stupid?: “_____.” 2) Are you lying?: “_____.” (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ I get so nervous when someone compliments me. I don't know what to say. Someone: You are looking awesome today. Me: Happy Birthday. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Billie jean is probably my favorite song about a guy getting out of child support. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ If you ever bend over in front of your man and he DOESN'T smack you on the ass, somethings amiss. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I still giggle when the ketchup farts. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ Allow me to introduce my selves. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Off course Bruce Willis is gonna keep playing the same movie roles.You know what they say about old habits... (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ If you have a bladder infection you know Urine trouble. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Oh you have morals? You must be new here. (Donna Hudon)
____ I'm sure whatever you have to say can wait till you're smarter. (Donnie Ray Howel)

Do you love inspirational Facebook status updates? Do you want to help make your Facebook friends better people? You are lost. These status updates are nothing like that.

My FACEBOOK FAN PAGE has been busy the last few days. Many of you have suggested shorter blog posts more often, but I wanted to publish this long list tonight because they are too funny not to. Thanks, everyone! :)

____ Sometimes I like to go to McDonald's and order two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. (Jack Wagon)
____ Honestly, nine times out of ten, when you say "know what I mean?", I don't. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I just managed to walk over hot coal without burning my feet. F***ed up my shoes though. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I'm not having kids until there is an extendable slapping hand that can pop out of the backseat. Safety first. (Lisa James)
____ My favorite vegetable is bacon. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I can't stand the kind of people that act like the kind of people I can't stand. (Mike Seriously)
____ They said if I don't stop talking about boobs, they'll send me to the mental institute. Lol, ins-TIT-ute. (Bate Mann)
____ Hey newbies, say goodbye to your life. MSIB has you now. (Adam Apple)
____ Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder what my life would be like if I actually had one. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I will probably literally die of sleep deprivation if Facebook ever adds a dislike button. (Connie Day)
____ I put laxatives in my bosses slim fast. She's gonna be so skinny! (Lisa James)
____ I love looking at my coworker from across the room and making the throat cutting gesture to her while no one else is looking. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ So far the only thing I've attracted with these edible undies is ants. (Susan Evon Cross)
____ Screw doing situps...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them. (Jack Olivar)
____ I like to make a comment, then "edit" what I say, to make your reply look stupid. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm probably the oldest person crying in this McDonald's ball pit. (Chesty La Rue)
____ What a shocking and upsetting day! Found a letter in the mail this morning that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $100,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Darby Street". Seriously, does no-one know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' anymore? (Danny Coleiro)
____ I just saved a bunch of money on hair gel by wearing this porcupine on my head. (Jack Wagon)
____ Everyone is calling me Mr. Paranoid. I just know it. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I just noticed that what's worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one. (Adam Apple)
____ I always keep a golf club by the side of my bed when I'm asleep. Just so if anyone breaks in, they'll know I play golf and that I'm too boring to have anything worth stealing. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Woot woot! 14 thousand of us liking this page warms my cockles! (Donna Hudon)
____ If I ask a girl out to dinner and she suggests getting coffee instead, I purposely show up 10 minutes late hoping she bought her own coffee. (Mike Seriously)
____ The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm all alone in a abandoned hospital and my flash-light isn't working properly. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Just got called a "pretty young lady" from a 95 yr old man. Guess who just brought sexy back? (Toni Daniels)
____ Sunglasses...to protect my eyes from the sun and to protect others from seeing the storm behind them. (Stephanie Manera)
____ If I was in charge of making a sign describing our penal code, the exhibitionist in me would invite the community to witness its erection. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ That scary moment when you realize your arm or leg is hanging off your bed... then quickly bring it back in so the boogie man won't get you. (Jack Wagon)
____ Last night once again proved that drunk texting is one of my hobbies, but not one of my talents. (Donna Hudon)
____ "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife. (Donny Norris)
____ I think that boa constrictors get a bad rap. They don't mean to hurt anyone they are just really really caring and who doesn't need a hug? (Jack Olivar)
____ A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my breasts. Weirdo never showed up. (Chesty La Rue)
____ If you get hit by a smooth criminal... Michael Jackson will appear and ask you if you are okay like a thousand times. (Jack Wagon)
____ I don't get why people have to lie to sound important. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to fight crime with The Avengers. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Be honest... you're a macroverbumsciolist, aren't you? (Danny Coleiro)
____ I hate having narcolepssssssssssssss (Danny Coleiro)
____ I always thought the song "I can see clearly now the rain has gone", was a tad insensitive to people who wear glasses. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Yes!! I took Happy Birthday and made it into one word, HappyBirthday so I could save it as a word and not have to type it out evryyyyyyy freaking time. I know, I am a horrible person, whatever. (Donny Norris)
____ Research shows that 68 percent of people find something "almost" dirty in every post. (Bate Mann)
____ The best thing about long fingernails is that you can store stuff like little pieces of potato chips as a snack for later. (Lisa James)
____ How is the award for the Oscars not a fuzzy green Muppet? (Jack Olivar)
____ If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time. (Ken Champaign)
____ If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I'd start thinking about you. (Chesty La Rue)

____ Hey, just so ya know, sometimes I poke ya while I am wearing socks. (Beau Diggity)
____ Hey baby, "lick" my post and I'll "like" yours. Oops, that was a typo, but I don't have time to go all the way back to the first sentence and change it to "like".
(Mustache Mann)
____ Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn't have to end at work. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I just want you to know that, of all the f***s I don't give, it's the one I don't give about you that I love the most. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Ordering coffee with a coworker who's a vegan. She looks at me, and goes, "I don't believe in sugar". I'm like, "Bitch, it exists!" (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up. (Jacque YoungMother Hubbard)
____ You see a raisin, I see a grape that escaped many potential deaths and lived to a wonderful old age. (Jack Olivar)
____ A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you "I'm drunk" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying "I'm delicious." (Donna Hudon)
____ This synesthesia tastes funny. And yellow. (Danny Coleiro)
____ There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego (Indigo Fayth Johnson)
____ Ughh...it's Tit for TAT, you fucking moron.... (Chesty La Rue)
____ I've always been a bad-ass. When I was little I melted my barbies and wore them around my neck! (Susan Evon Cross)
____ I've just realised that 547 of my 700 facebook friends are actually my own fake profiles. (Danny Coleiro)
____ What we need around here is more cowbell. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ If I was a florist I'd probably be fired quickly. First time someone asked "Where are the daisies?", I'd tell them "Look on the calendaries" (Jack Olivar)
____ Did you know that a Great White shark can completely devour a human being in under 2 minutes ?..I just timed it. (Chesty La Rue)
____ You know Facebook, you're getting a little creepy with this asking me whats happening, how I'm feeling, what I'm doing etc. Next you'll be asking me what I'm wearing. (Gail Pemberton)
____ I nibbled on her ear and she sighed and said....."GET YOUR OWN DANG CORN ON THE COB!" (Donny Norris)
____ I don't need drugs to have a good time, but I do need them to get through any family functions. (Cygnus XI)
____ My apologies, I am now just blatantly wasting your time by typing absolute drivel. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I want a GPS unit with Stephen Hawking's voice. (Eric Caro)
____ Dear Facebook friends, please refrain from updating your status with weather updates as I, like most people, own windows. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Mood swings? I have a mood amusement park, bitch! Hahaha... sob. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My one friend hates it when I correct his speech, and hates it even more when I correct his writing. Especially in his diary. (Pieter Frikkie Pretorius)
____ I have a fear of speedbumps, but I'm slowly getting over them. (Cygnus XI)
____ He said the spark between us was gone. So I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up. (Trish Gill)
____ I'm not sure why you decided to discuss your cramps and extra heavy flow while in line at McDonald's but I will now take my burger without ketchup. (Susan Evon Cross)
____ I poured liquor into my pudding so I can yell out "the proof is in the pudding!"...... Just kidding. I'm a raging alcoholic. (Mike Seriously)
____ My son brought home his new girlfriend for Sunday dinner. The verdict? Flat-chested, fat cankles, and a cottage-cheese ass. Oh, and she doesn't react well to criticism. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week! (Hollywood Allan)
____ "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously", she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Nickelback album. (Aaron Nunnery)
____ This make-up sex stuff was pretty good until she poked me in the eye with the eyeliner stick. (Howie Feltersnatch)
____ I thought that by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead we have pocket catheters and Honey Boo Boo. (Tracy Love)
____ I wonder how many days of one's life have been wasted watching Days Of Our Lives? (Just Sage)
____ Love is: sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries from McDonald's. (Necole Monique Lafayette)
____ Honey Boo Boo’s mother has a boyfriend and you’re single...Just let that sink in for a minute. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ I'm bored. I think I'll go to WalMart, find a great parking spot and sit in the truck with my reverse lights on for awhile. (Aaron Nunnery)
____ Facebook: where all your stupid questions can be answered by stupider people. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I'm studying your updates carefully. If I "like" yours, that's code for "I'll drink to that". (Edward Ng'ang'a)
____ Until you've played around with crazy, how will you recognize sanity? (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ Time to make some major changes in my life. For starters, I'll be drinking and smoking three times as much as I do now. (Danny Coleiro)
____ So apparently Lance Armstrong had a ball on Oprah's show. But I understand he got a little teste. (Mark Andrews)
____ if you begin any statement with "honestly" in your argument you're lying. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ For the record, peanut butter and pineapple juice enemas are a bad idea...So very bad... (Brandon Eaves)
____ To-do list: Practice pterodactyl screech for Monday morning meeting. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Vodka. (Susan Evon Cross)
____ Hey, doofus, know how I know you're not writing your own status? Because you spelled everything right. (Juliet Roxspin)
____ I'm not saying you are a pain in the ass but you and a festering, red boil on a buttcheek have A LOT in common. (Susan Evon Cross)

Do you like these? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK!