I'm trying a new format with my blog posts because I know how difficult it can be to search through the hundreds of status updates posted on MY FACEBOOK PAGE, desperately trying to find one that matches your current mood. I've often felt that many of you share my short attention span. Also, you are smart-asses. And brilliant. What was I saying again? I want a sandwich. Hey, where's my shoe?
Status updates about the internet and/or technology:
____ I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of Ipads I've won & the number of Ipads I own. (Gary Hensley)
____ I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1979. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ There are so many scams on the internet now...Send me $19.95 and I'll tell you how you can avoid them. (Donna Hudon)
____ What if we are all just some losers Sims character? :/ (Donny Norris)
____ Why do we get that mini heart attack feeling when we leave for work without our phones? We made it through the 80s and the 80s rocked. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks. (Cygnus X-one)
____ I told my teen to be wary of strangers and "weirdos" on the computer. She should not pay any attention to them. Leave that to mommy. (Stephanie Manera)
____ likes 0 photos on Instagram. (Danny Coleiro)
Status updates about Facebook and/or stalking:
____ I'm inappropriate on Facebook because I have to be appropriate and follow the rules in real life. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ "Hello 911?" My friend is posting a lot of statuses on Facebook and I can't keep up... yes, I'll hold." (Jack Wagon)
____ why is it that when I meet people in real life they want to Facebook friend request me too? Isn't it enough you real life know me? Stalkers. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I'm married to him it doesn't mean I have to like him, right? (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ I hate when you're caught stalking in a tree outside someone's window so you freeze like a squirrel, and they're all like "I can still see you." (Jack Wagon)
____ You can steal my statuses if you want, but, I lick each one of them. With a cows tongue that I brought with me to a strip club. (Mustache Mann)
____ "Sure, you can share whatever you'd like! I enjoy our friendship and respect your thoughts and opinions! Unless I don't agree with you...then you're an idiot." -Everyone on Facebook (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
Status updates about drinking/being drunk:
____ Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox. (Donna Hudon)
____ I don't plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I'm going to consume once I leave work. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I cry when a cop asks me to touch my nose during a sobriety test...because my uncle never gave it back. (Eric Caro)
____ I like to take a couple of shots of tequila every morning before work. It helps me be a team player. Instead of; " me, me, me", I walk around saying "WEEEEEEEEE!" (Dow Jones)
Facebook status updates about Music:
____ I haven't seen a good Johnny Cash status since I don't know when. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm pretty sure that if I'm shot through the heart and you're to blame, whether or not you give love a bad name is low on my list of priorities. (Jack Olivar)
____ Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics. (Hollywood Allan)
Completely random and just plain weird status updates:
____ When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I'll be able to fit". (Jack Olivar)
____ Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn't make a funny, cat-shaped hole. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Don't let the propeller hat fool you. I have no idea how to fly this plane. (Jack Wagon)
____ Operator: 9-1-1 please hold. Me: Ok. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec. Murderer: K. (Shabana Essack)
____ I went on a date with this guy and he took me to see a boring movie, so naturally, I fell asleep. When I woke up, he had his hand in my mouth and was trying to pull out one of my teeth!! We went out a few more times, but then he got weird. (Stacy Fournier)
Status updates about relationships / dating:
____ I know how to wink my eye in like, twelve different languages. (Jack Wagon)
____ Relationship status: BINOCULARS (Stephanie Manera)
____ I like online dating because your first couple of meetings you do from the comfort of your own couch, so you save on deodorant and shampoo and stuff. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar". (Shabana Essack)
____ My husband complains that I don't include him in enough things. That's bullshit. I just mentioned him in this status update. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I forgot how to play "hard to get" but I'm getting pretty good at "hard to get away from". (Stephanie Manera)
____ I'm so excited! I just got a date for this Sunday! It's March 31st, 2013. (Cygnus X-one)
____ Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to. (Trish Gill)
Status updates about food:
____ If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're a f***ing idiot. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ If you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free lunch. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm sorry I ate your chef hat. I thought it was a giant cupcake. (Jack Wagon)
____ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like can I have some and I’m like no f*** off what do you think this is a charity? (Shabana Essack)
____ I can't be the only one who thinks that Olive Garden would be so much more successful if it was named "The Garden of Eatin'". (Jack Olivar)
Status update that contains a pun:
____ I'll bet it's easy to tell orphans from non orphans...the difference is a parent. (Jack Olivar)
Status updates that contain wordplay:
____ I'm writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings attached. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I lived in the Middle East I would totally have a camel and name him Cameul L Jackson. (Jack Olivar)
____ "I'm always raising eyebrows." - a plastic surgeon probably (Lisa James)
____ Whenever one of my friends posts that "they have principals" I call their local police because holding school administrators is probably illegal. (Jack Olivar)
____ I just went down to McDonald's in Harlem. I don't get what all the hype is about. This shake is pretty normal. (Jack Olivar)
____ We'll we'll we'll if it isn't autocorrect. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I am never beside myself with worry because there being two of me standing side by side would only worry me more. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Notes to self: 1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem. 2. That’s stupid; don’t do that. 3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I only use curse-words for dramatic effuct. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Bondage...it's knot for everyone. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I hate it when people say "Take my word for it!" There are thousands of words in English, and I never know which one they mean. (Danny Coleiro)
Facebook status updates about Animals:
____ If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart, you can walk out with like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing. (Jack Wagon)
____ You must keep your eyes on the prize. Because the turtle who eats the grasshopper gets the worm. And like, everybody knows that. (Juliet Roxspin)
____ I think it's sad that blow fish can't lose weight even though they have a cocaine addiction. (Jack Wagon)
____ I'm guessing that the actual process of giving birth is what led to the extinction of the unicorn. (Jack Olivar)
____ I think it's pretty cool how storks are the only bird species that spent eight years in medical school to learn how to deliver a baby. (Jack Wagon)
____ I'll bet cats like the beach, because...well...giant litter box. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm pretty sure that if I was a kangaroo, I'd have like at least one potato sack race trophy on my wall. (Jack Wagon)
Status updates about having a bad day / stupid people:
____ Here walk a mile in my shoes. They're giving me huge blisters. (Lisa James)
____ Just when I manage to really convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ My background check bounced. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Nothing says "My life isn't going exactly as I planned" quite like being at WalMart at 1am. (Sean Shipley)
____ One of my favourite fantasies involves beating the $#@! out of stupid people. (Chesty La Rue)
Status updates about parenting / kids:
____ Not remembering where I set my drink down at parties must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ My wife wants me to stop referring to our kids as "those little sons of bitches". (Dave Prange)
____ My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists! (Stephanie Manera)
____ My daughter just sh*t in the toilet for the first time...which is surprising cause she's sevenf**kingteen. (Jack Wagon)
____ My 14 year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek god, Herpes, today. I guess I should cross Harvard off his list of potential schools. (Jack Olivar)
Status update about my FAN PAGE:
____ Nurse: What is MY STATUS IS BADDEST?
Me: It's a place where we can post statuses for people to steal and hopefully make it to the blog website.
Nurse: ......
Me: ......
Nurse: So it is like a cult?
Me: (waits for a minute)...yes...(Eric Caro)
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
FUNNY BIRTHDAY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES
In an effort to better organize my website, I'm compiling status updates by subject. Whether it's your birthday or a Facebook friend's birthday, you can count on my FACEBOOK FANS and myself to help you avoid the obvious "Happy Birthday" wall post, which is almost worse than writing nothing at all. These have been collected over the course of several years. You may see a status update you have seen before. If this angers you, please send an email to my assistant at idonthaveanassistantyouidiot@yahoo.com. Thank you!
____ hates it when I'm trying to Facebook stalk someone and I realize I have to scroll through 100 lame birthday wishes before I can get to their good stuff again. (MSIB)
____ I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet. (Donny Norris)
____ Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday. (Mike Foster)
____ Thanks for all the birthday wishes, and screw everyone that forgot. (John E. Shalberg)
____ hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Thanks for the birthday wishes from everyone who noticed my name today in the upper right corner of their Facebook page. (Sherry Dyson)
____ My mom loves to remind me of that birthday where I ran around in my diaper throwing cake at people. ITS BEEN A WHOLE YEAR MOM, LET'S MOVE ON. (Gerti Kola)
____ Liking all the "Happy Birthdays" on your friend's wall at 2 am is the best way to say "Screw you, birthday boy." (Rory O'Donnell)
____ People who clap at the end of movies also join in singing "Happy Birthday" at a restaurant for a stranger. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Yeah..yeah...okay, I get it. Years ago, your son shot right out of your vagina. Alright, calm down. Happy Birthday to him. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Lazy Rule #12: when you don't want to type a "Happy Birthday" wish on someone's Facebook wall, just "like" the top greeting on the page and move on. (Sarah Mode)
____ I feel like a ninja when I wish people a Happy Birthday on Facebook at 12:01am. (Laurie Hicks)
____ The ridiculous situation when you discover that 31 of your Facebook friends share the same birthday and you only actually know 1 of them but there are three others that you converse with regularly and you don't feel like spending the time it will take to wish them all well so you decide to just pick the 4 out that you are the closest too but then you think, "OMG, what if the others notice and it hurts their feelings?!!", but then you think, "Hmmmm, isn't it kind of arrogant of you to think they would even notice?", then you begin to question your own character and opt to just type Happy B-day on all of their walls and spend the rest of your day searching your soul. (Donny Norris)
____ At kids birthday parties I like to play a game with my best friend called "Go to the bathroom and snort cocaine."(Chesty La Rue)
____ The day after my birthday I changed my birth-date to the next day to test a theory. Yup, nobody cared then either. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Facebook has made it completely impossible to complain that you were unaware of your friend's birthday. (MSIB)
Do you have a Facebook Status update about birthdays and you'd like to receive a virtual pat on the back? Post it on my FAN PAGE.
____ hates it when I'm trying to Facebook stalk someone and I realize I have to scroll through 100 lame birthday wishes before I can get to their good stuff again. (MSIB)
____ I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet. (Donny Norris)
____ Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday. (Mike Foster)
____ Thanks for all the birthday wishes, and screw everyone that forgot. (John E. Shalberg)
____ hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Thanks for the birthday wishes from everyone who noticed my name today in the upper right corner of their Facebook page. (Sherry Dyson)
____ My mom loves to remind me of that birthday where I ran around in my diaper throwing cake at people. ITS BEEN A WHOLE YEAR MOM, LET'S MOVE ON. (Gerti Kola)
____ Liking all the "Happy Birthdays" on your friend's wall at 2 am is the best way to say "Screw you, birthday boy." (Rory O'Donnell)
____ People who clap at the end of movies also join in singing "Happy Birthday" at a restaurant for a stranger. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Yeah..yeah...okay, I get it. Years ago, your son shot right out of your vagina. Alright, calm down. Happy Birthday to him. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Lazy Rule #12: when you don't want to type a "Happy Birthday" wish on someone's Facebook wall, just "like" the top greeting on the page and move on. (Sarah Mode)
____ I feel like a ninja when I wish people a Happy Birthday on Facebook at 12:01am. (Laurie Hicks)
____ The ridiculous situation when you discover that 31 of your Facebook friends share the same birthday and you only actually know 1 of them but there are three others that you converse with regularly and you don't feel like spending the time it will take to wish them all well so you decide to just pick the 4 out that you are the closest too but then you think, "OMG, what if the others notice and it hurts their feelings?!!", but then you think, "Hmmmm, isn't it kind of arrogant of you to think they would even notice?", then you begin to question your own character and opt to just type Happy B-day on all of their walls and spend the rest of your day searching your soul. (Donny Norris)
____ At kids birthday parties I like to play a game with my best friend called "Go to the bathroom and snort cocaine."(Chesty La Rue)
____ The day after my birthday I changed my birth-date to the next day to test a theory. Yup, nobody cared then either. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Facebook has made it completely impossible to complain that you were unaware of your friend's birthday. (MSIB)
Do you have a Facebook Status update about birthdays and you'd like to receive a virtual pat on the back? Post it on my FAN PAGE.
Monday, March 4, 2013
LOOKING FOR THE BEST FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES? THEY'RE ON THIS WEBSITE. ALL OVER IT.
Yes, I'm behind on posting new status updates from my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE, which happens to be the best status update source on Facebook*!
*based on a recent study of Facebook pages, conducted by me.
I still haven't made it through the thousands of status updates posted last month, but here are the first 66 I liked, in no particular order:
____ "Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I'll hold." (Jack Wagon)
____ First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat! You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Okay, who wants brownies? (Matt Procella)
____ From now on when I accept a friend request I'll just write on their wall: You belong to me now. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Where do we cash out these "Likes"? I need gas money, and by gas money I mean booze. (Jack Wagon)
____ Your roses are starting to wilt, the helium has seeped from your balloon, your candy is gone, you gained 3 pounds while you slept, you are left holding a Hallmark card that is identical to thousands and not special at all.... HAPPY POST VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE! (Donny Norris)
____ I'm a very modest person, mostly because I'm awesome. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s. (Donna Hudon)
____ If I were a zebra I'd be pretty pissed they didn't name me tiger horse. (Jack Olivar)
____ Did the Jetsons ever explain why there weren't any black people in the future? (Leilani Christine)
____ Don't piss me off. I will "you! (Lisa James)
____ Say what you will about Lance Armstrong...but I think he's amazing! When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike. (Shabana Essack)
____ I'm writing a funny new status about herpes, I hope you all get it. (Jack Olivar)
____ So there I was making funny faces in the bathroom mirror and I suddenly realized my ol' lady was right...I ain't never gonna grow up. (Beau Diggity)
____ I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now." (Sean Shipley)
____ I ate a cracker today...forgot to post it on Instagram. *throws self down a flight of steps* (Jack Wagon)
____ Normally I can't dance to save my life, but as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson (Hollywood Allan)
____ I just spilled 5 drops of gas, that's like $10.00 worth! (Lisa James)
____ Well, I guess now we have to change the expression to "who resigned and made you Pope?" (Dave Prange)
____ Just saved a whole lot of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and fleeing the scene. (Aaron Nunnery)
____ My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'd like to thank the bars for being there for me. (Lisa James)
____ MY STATUS IS BADDEST is like that little hole in the wall that has the best steak and you don't want everybody to know about it. (Mustache Mann via Donny Norris)
____ MY STATUS IS BADDEST, will you be my Valentine? Don't make me get the van. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ So... I met this girl on Monday, took her for a drink on Tuesday, we were making love by Wednesday and I don't know the lyrics after that, sorry! :( (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I hate taking the bus to work, especially when I'm late. I can never find a place to park it. (Hollywood Allan)
____ My safe word is "Let's make a baby". (Chesty La Rue)
____ This gorgeous blonde, wearing nothing but an orange top hat, came up to me today riding on a panda, and accused me of taking hallucinogenic drugs. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sometimes you've got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?" (Eric Caro)
____ Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Apparently shrugging your shoulders is not the correct response to "OMG!, WHERE'S MY BABY?!!!" (Donny Norris)
____ Having a Facebook page reminds me a lot of high school...I make all the guys laugh then they go out with all the pretty girls. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Just saw there's an exercise called Burpee's. Finally, something I will be good at! I can definitely burp and pee at the same time. (Lisa James)
____ If I was an astronaut,I'd probably spend all my time trying to figure out how to get the Sun to cook that giant onion ring around Saturn. (Jack Wagon)
____ I don't know who's in charge of putting the little "tear here" signs on bags of Planters Peanuts but they need to fire his ass. (Donny Norris)
____ Just unknowingly picked up a cat turd off the floor with my bare hand, in case anyone was wondering how my night's going. (Lisa James)
____ It's been lovely but I have to scream now. (Chesty La Rue)
____ This procrastination feels like I'll be rushing to get shit done later. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON'T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS! (Donny Norris)
____ According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away." (Danny Coleiro)
____ Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that's your problem right there....you should have never tried that. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just deleted my "Weather Network" app because, Facebook... (Eric Caro)
____ If you think you can charm me into bed with your smooth talking and your rugged good looks and expensive Champagne, then you Sir, are in for the night of your life. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Today makes the 42nd year in a row that I haven't wore a shirt with an alligator logo on it. (Jack Wagon)
____ When my self-delusion and your vivid imagination combine, this status is f***ing hilarious. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I was just told I was not only creepy, but Christopher Walken creepy! This is a compliment, right? (Beau Diggity)
____ Old creepers at the bar should come with a Benny Hill theme. (Lisa James)
____ The number of words in your Starbucks coffee order is equal to the number of times I wanna kick the back of your head while standing in line. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ This gas smells like I'm sniffing gas. (Juliet Roxspin)
____ Keep scrolling, I got nothing. (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I always think of something sad when peeling onions so that I kill two birds with one stone. (Gathoni Anne)
____ No one wants to see any pictures of the flowers you receive today. (Imraan Jussab)
____ I'm so lonely, I just thanked a spider for dropping by. Before I crushed him. Because I hate surprises. TEXT ME FIRST, A$$HOLE. (Nicholas Arulnathan)
____ MSIB proverb: You can't have your status and like it too. (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ If you've never walked around your house looking for your phone only to realize it was in your hand, you are obviously not me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Leaving aside the obvious risk of infection, wearing your heart on your sleeve puts an unnecessary strain on your arterial system. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Busy planning my next big move. Do I lay on couch, or chill in the recliner? I've only got one shot at this, so I gotta make it count. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I hate it when people I don't like say "It just can't be done", and I have to spend the rest of my life desperately trying to prove them wrong. Anyway, I'm off to buy a hammer, a nail, some jello, and a ceiling. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I'm motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas. (Donna Hudon)
____ I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter. (Jack Olivar)
____ They say the lack of preservatives leaves Capri Sun susceptible to fermentation. I have started stocking them up in my desk! (Lisa James)
____ Nicki Minaj telling contestants they're bad singers on American Idol is like Michael Jordan telling people they're bad at baseball. (Eric Caro)
____ I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and diarrhea to strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on. You had your chance! (Stephanie Manera)
____ Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka. (Dave Murawski)
____ Did I already do my deja vu joke? (Les Chinyanga)
The next 65 Facebook status updates are HERE. You are here. Thank you.
*based on a recent study of Facebook pages, conducted by me.
I still haven't made it through the thousands of status updates posted last month, but here are the first 66 I liked, in no particular order:
____ "Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I'll hold." (Jack Wagon)
____ First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat! You ever own a hamster? I did. Died. Watch me do a cartwheel! Okay, who wants brownies? (Matt Procella)
____ From now on when I accept a friend request I'll just write on their wall: You belong to me now. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Where do we cash out these "Likes"? I need gas money, and by gas money I mean booze. (Jack Wagon)
____ Your roses are starting to wilt, the helium has seeped from your balloon, your candy is gone, you gained 3 pounds while you slept, you are left holding a Hallmark card that is identical to thousands and not special at all.... HAPPY POST VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE! (Donny Norris)
____ I'm a very modest person, mostly because I'm awesome. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s. (Donna Hudon)
____ If I were a zebra I'd be pretty pissed they didn't name me tiger horse. (Jack Olivar)
____ Did the Jetsons ever explain why there weren't any black people in the future? (Leilani Christine)
____ Don't piss me off. I will "you! (Lisa James)
____ Say what you will about Lance Armstrong...but I think he's amazing! When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike. (Shabana Essack)
____ I'm writing a funny new status about herpes, I hope you all get it. (Jack Olivar)
____ So there I was making funny faces in the bathroom mirror and I suddenly realized my ol' lady was right...I ain't never gonna grow up. (Beau Diggity)
____ I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now." (Sean Shipley)
____ I ate a cracker today...forgot to post it on Instagram. *throws self down a flight of steps* (Jack Wagon)
____ Normally I can't dance to save my life, but as soon as I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson (Hollywood Allan)
____ I just spilled 5 drops of gas, that's like $10.00 worth! (Lisa James)
____ Well, I guess now we have to change the expression to "who resigned and made you Pope?" (Dave Prange)
____ Just saved a whole lot of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and fleeing the scene. (Aaron Nunnery)
____ My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'd like to thank the bars for being there for me. (Lisa James)
____ MY STATUS IS BADDEST is like that little hole in the wall that has the best steak and you don't want everybody to know about it. (Mustache Mann via Donny Norris)
____ MY STATUS IS BADDEST, will you be my Valentine? Don't make me get the van. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ So... I met this girl on Monday, took her for a drink on Tuesday, we were making love by Wednesday and I don't know the lyrics after that, sorry! :( (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ I hate taking the bus to work, especially when I'm late. I can never find a place to park it. (Hollywood Allan)
____ My safe word is "Let's make a baby". (Chesty La Rue)
____ This gorgeous blonde, wearing nothing but an orange top hat, came up to me today riding on a panda, and accused me of taking hallucinogenic drugs. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sometimes you've got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?" (Eric Caro)
____ Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Having a Facebook page reminds me a lot of high school...I make all the guys laugh then they go out with all the pretty girls. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Just saw there's an exercise called Burpee's. Finally, something I will be good at! I can definitely burp and pee at the same time. (Lisa James)
____ If I was an astronaut,I'd probably spend all my time trying to figure out how to get the Sun to cook that giant onion ring around Saturn. (Jack Wagon)
____ I don't know who's in charge of putting the little "tear here" signs on bags of Planters Peanuts but they need to fire his ass. (Donny Norris)
____ Just unknowingly picked up a cat turd off the floor with my bare hand, in case anyone was wondering how my night's going. (Lisa James)
____ It's been lovely but I have to scream now. (Chesty La Rue)
____ This procrastination feels like I'll be rushing to get shit done later. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON'T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS! (Donny Norris)
____ According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away." (Danny Coleiro)
____ Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that's your problem right there....you should have never tried that. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just deleted my "Weather Network" app because, Facebook... (Eric Caro)
____ If you think you can charm me into bed with your smooth talking and your rugged good looks and expensive Champagne, then you Sir, are in for the night of your life. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Today makes the 42nd year in a row that I haven't wore a shirt with an alligator logo on it. (Jack Wagon)
____ When my self-delusion and your vivid imagination combine, this status is f***ing hilarious. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I was just told I was not only creepy, but Christopher Walken creepy! This is a compliment, right? (Beau Diggity)
____ Old creepers at the bar should come with a Benny Hill theme. (Lisa James)
____ The number of words in your Starbucks coffee order is equal to the number of times I wanna kick the back of your head while standing in line. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ This gas smells like I'm sniffing gas. (Juliet Roxspin)
____ Keep scrolling, I got nothing. (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I always think of something sad when peeling onions so that I kill two birds with one stone. (Gathoni Anne)
____ No one wants to see any pictures of the flowers you receive today. (Imraan Jussab)
____ I'm so lonely, I just thanked a spider for dropping by. Before I crushed him. Because I hate surprises. TEXT ME FIRST, A$$HOLE. (Nicholas Arulnathan)
____ MSIB proverb: You can't have your status and like it too. (Aubrey Otieno Otieno)
____ If you've never walked around your house looking for your phone only to realize it was in your hand, you are obviously not me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Leaving aside the obvious risk of infection, wearing your heart on your sleeve puts an unnecessary strain on your arterial system. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Busy planning my next big move. Do I lay on couch, or chill in the recliner? I've only got one shot at this, so I gotta make it count. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I hate it when people I don't like say "It just can't be done", and I have to spend the rest of my life desperately trying to prove them wrong. Anyway, I'm off to buy a hammer, a nail, some jello, and a ceiling. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I'm motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas. (Donna Hudon)
____ I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter. (Jack Olivar)
____ They say the lack of preservatives leaves Capri Sun susceptible to fermentation. I have started stocking them up in my desk! (Lisa James)
____ Nicki Minaj telling contestants they're bad singers on American Idol is like Michael Jordan telling people they're bad at baseball. (Eric Caro)
____ I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and diarrhea to strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on. You had your chance! (Stephanie Manera)
____ Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka. (Dave Murawski)
____ Did I already do my deja vu joke? (Les Chinyanga)
The next 65 Facebook status updates are HERE. You are here. Thank you.
MY READERS POST THE MOST SARCASTIC FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ON THE INTERNET. SO, SO SARCASTIC...
In an effort to catch up with the thousands upon thousands of hilarious Facebook status updates my FACEBOOK FANS have posted in 2013, I'm posting a ton of new stuff this week! Here are some more from February:
____ Turns out that in real life, whistling innocently while avoiding eye contact and slowly moving away from the scene of the crime is actually a dead giveaway. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce. (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Whenever I'm at work and someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME." (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ Ok, F**k you, fitted sheet! I don't care what that lady in the youtube video says, it's impossible to fold you! I don't care if you look like s**t in the linen closet! Die, fitted sheet, DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!! (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ You can get away with farting in front of a baby...they have no idea what's going on. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Can't get warm today, left the flask at home. (Lisa James)
____ My lack of strength is my greatest weakness. (Dave Prange)
____ My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I am breathing wrong. (Cygnus X-one)
____ Is "you look like someone that enjoys good food" a compliment, or was I just called fat? (Donna Hudon)
____ I am going to write my wife a love poem and hand pick a bouquet for her because I am a hopeless romantic and cheap. (Donny Norris)
____ Not everyone gets the standard "How are you feeling?" prompt on Facebook. Nope. A few of my friends keep getting "What do you wanna bitch about THIS time?" or "There are dreadful things happening all over the world today. Discuss." At least that's my theory. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I dip my fist in sugar before I punch my enemies in the face. Sweet, Sweet Revenge. (Lisa James)
____ ♪♫ Everybody cut, everybody cut, everybody cut Footloose ♫♪ ~ Me, if I were a surgeon amputating a gangrenous foot. (Jack Olivar)
____ I opened a Facebook page for my blow-up doll but the excitement was short lived. Someone poked her. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I found an awesome way to make time go by really fast at the office! I call it sleeping. (Beau Diggity)
____ I put the dumb in wisdom....wait....that's not right. (Jack Olivar)
____ I always carry a banana in my pocket because I think it would be pretty cool if some gorgeous girl ever came up to me, winked, and said suggestively, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?", and then I could reveal the banana with a flourish and say "It's a banana in my pocket" and then she'd walk away disappointed and I'll never get laid and I haven't really thought this through and I hate bananas anyway. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'll never join an online dating service. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way, through alcohol & poor judgement. (Dewald Jordaan)
____ That moment when you realize it's the other person in the room whose breath smells like shit and not yours. That. (Toni Daniels)
____ Roman Numerals...what are they good IV? (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held. (Elsie Daniels Broadnax)
____ I only post status updates when I have something else I definitely should be doing. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Now that the Post Office has stopped Saturday mail service, I guess I'll have to send off my ransom notes earlier in the week. (Eric Caro)
____ Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad. (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ I'm 42 years old and can drink a beer in my new couch cushion fort if I want to, Mom! (Jack Wagon)
____ Can I just get a relationship status that says I'm awesome and attract a lot of shit? (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just knew that she would calm down and give into my charm after that 30 minute chase throughout an alley. (King Julien)
____ Here's to the Superbowl! A day where fat, middle-aged, balding men sit on their couches scarfing beer and hoagies, screaming at 20 year old athletes that they're doing it wrong. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Backwards written is this realise to you take it did long how? But not this bit. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sorry I'm late, my car turned into a giraffe and I've never driven a giraffe before. (Shabana Essack)
____ I predict that World War 3 is going to be a Facebook fight. (Marené Gouws)
____ The only thing better than a guy with chocolate is just the chocolate. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven. (Hollywood Allan)
____ In 1989, someone told every woman named Barb that their hair looked good and they've been doing it the same ever since... (Chesty La Rue)
____ Just lit a cigarette off the stove...in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills. (Jack Wagon)
____ WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE WHO HAS VIEWED YOUR PROFILE! Donny Norris' profile has been viewed by: 325 men, 409 women, 8 ATF agents, The FBI, 18 cats, A psychiatrist and YOU! (Donny Norris)
____ If any illiterates are reading this, you're probably not. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee. (Cygnus X-one)
____ There's probably no cause for alarm, but if any of you happen to know how to stop the timer on a home-made nuclear bomb, a really quick reply would be great. Thanks. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I've had just about enough of everything today. Except alcohol, of course. I definitely need more of that. (Jack Olivar)
____ Did my Friday morning exercises: 50 jumping for joy jacks and 15 heel clicks. (Lisa James)
____ How to cuss a kid out: "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!" (Donna Hudon)
____ I went to the cinema last night. I had to buy 6 tickets because there was this stupid bitch that kept tearing them up. (Chesty La Rue)
____ My doctor misdiagnosed me with OCD. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind as soon as I get the magazines organized in the waiting room. (Toni Sinclaire)
____ "I just died in your arms" sounds much more romantic than "You're holding a dead body." (Richard Earle Crown)
____ The worst thing about being single is having to make your own sandwiches. (Lisa James)
____ Opening up a piece of candy and shoving it in my mouth really fast before my kids can even see it is one out of the many hidden talents I posses. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Relax, we're all crazy. It's not a competition. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I'd look out the window for that. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Just once I'd like to see a judge take a verdict slip from the jury, look at it, turn and say:"Are you f#*kin kidding me?!?!" (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say: "What the Hell are you doing?" (Donnie Ray Howell)
____ Use yes and no once. 1) Are you Stupid?: “_____.” 2) Are you lying?: “_____.” (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ I get so nervous when someone compliments me. I don't know what to say. Someone: You are looking awesome today. Me: Happy Birthday. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Billie jean is probably my favorite song about a guy getting out of child support. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ If you ever bend over in front of your man and he DOESN'T smack you on the ass, somethings amiss. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I still giggle when the ketchup farts. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ Allow me to introduce my selves. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Off course Bruce Willis is gonna keep playing the same movie roles.You know what they say about old habits... (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ If you have a bladder infection you know Urine trouble. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Oh you have morals? You must be new here. (Donna Hudon)
____ I'm sure whatever you have to say can wait till you're smarter. (Donnie Ray Howel)
____ Turns out that in real life, whistling innocently while avoiding eye contact and slowly moving away from the scene of the crime is actually a dead giveaway. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce. (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Whenever I'm at work and someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME." (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ Ok, F**k you, fitted sheet! I don't care what that lady in the youtube video says, it's impossible to fold you! I don't care if you look like s**t in the linen closet! Die, fitted sheet, DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!! (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ You can get away with farting in front of a baby...they have no idea what's going on. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Can't get warm today, left the flask at home. (Lisa James)
____ My lack of strength is my greatest weakness. (Dave Prange)
____ My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I am breathing wrong. (Cygnus X-one)
____ Is "you look like someone that enjoys good food" a compliment, or was I just called fat? (Donna Hudon)
____ I am going to write my wife a love poem and hand pick a bouquet for her because I am a hopeless romantic and cheap. (Donny Norris)
____ Not everyone gets the standard "How are you feeling?" prompt on Facebook. Nope. A few of my friends keep getting "What do you wanna bitch about THIS time?" or "There are dreadful things happening all over the world today. Discuss." At least that's my theory. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I dip my fist in sugar before I punch my enemies in the face. Sweet, Sweet Revenge. (Lisa James)
____ ♪♫ Everybody cut, everybody cut, everybody cut Footloose ♫♪ ~ Me, if I were a surgeon amputating a gangrenous foot. (Jack Olivar)
____ I opened a Facebook page for my blow-up doll but the excitement was short lived. Someone poked her. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I found an awesome way to make time go by really fast at the office! I call it sleeping. (Beau Diggity)
____ I put the dumb in wisdom....wait....that's not right. (Jack Olivar)
____ I always carry a banana in my pocket because I think it would be pretty cool if some gorgeous girl ever came up to me, winked, and said suggestively, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?", and then I could reveal the banana with a flourish and say "It's a banana in my pocket" and then she'd walk away disappointed and I'll never get laid and I haven't really thought this through and I hate bananas anyway. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'll never join an online dating service. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way, through alcohol & poor judgement. (Dewald Jordaan)
____ That moment when you realize it's the other person in the room whose breath smells like shit and not yours. That. (Toni Daniels)
____ Roman Numerals...what are they good IV? (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held. (Elsie Daniels Broadnax)
____ I only post status updates when I have something else I definitely should be doing. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Now that the Post Office has stopped Saturday mail service, I guess I'll have to send off my ransom notes earlier in the week. (Eric Caro)
____ Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad. (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ I'm 42 years old and can drink a beer in my new couch cushion fort if I want to, Mom! (Jack Wagon)
____ Can I just get a relationship status that says I'm awesome and attract a lot of shit? (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just knew that she would calm down and give into my charm after that 30 minute chase throughout an alley. (King Julien)
____ Here's to the Superbowl! A day where fat, middle-aged, balding men sit on their couches scarfing beer and hoagies, screaming at 20 year old athletes that they're doing it wrong. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Backwards written is this realise to you take it did long how? But not this bit. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sorry I'm late, my car turned into a giraffe and I've never driven a giraffe before. (Shabana Essack)
____ I predict that World War 3 is going to be a Facebook fight. (Marené Gouws)
____ The only thing better than a guy with chocolate is just the chocolate. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven. (Hollywood Allan)
____ In 1989, someone told every woman named Barb that their hair looked good and they've been doing it the same ever since... (Chesty La Rue)
____ Just lit a cigarette off the stove...in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills. (Jack Wagon)
____ WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE WHO HAS VIEWED YOUR PROFILE! Donny Norris' profile has been viewed by: 325 men, 409 women, 8 ATF agents, The FBI, 18 cats, A psychiatrist and YOU! (Donny Norris)
____ If any illiterates are reading this, you're probably not. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee. (Cygnus X-one)
____ There's probably no cause for alarm, but if any of you happen to know how to stop the timer on a home-made nuclear bomb, a really quick reply would be great. Thanks. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I've had just about enough of everything today. Except alcohol, of course. I definitely need more of that. (Jack Olivar)
____ Did my Friday morning exercises: 50 jumping for joy jacks and 15 heel clicks. (Lisa James)
____ How to cuss a kid out: "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!" (Donna Hudon)
____ I went to the cinema last night. I had to buy 6 tickets because there was this stupid bitch that kept tearing them up. (Chesty La Rue)
____ My doctor misdiagnosed me with OCD. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind as soon as I get the magazines organized in the waiting room. (Toni Sinclaire)
____ "I just died in your arms" sounds much more romantic than "You're holding a dead body." (Richard Earle Crown)
____ The worst thing about being single is having to make your own sandwiches. (Lisa James)
____ Opening up a piece of candy and shoving it in my mouth really fast before my kids can even see it is one out of the many hidden talents I posses. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Relax, we're all crazy. It's not a competition. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I'd look out the window for that. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Just once I'd like to see a judge take a verdict slip from the jury, look at it, turn and say:"Are you f#*kin kidding me?!?!" (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say: "What the Hell are you doing?" (Donnie Ray Howell)
____ Use yes and no once. 1) Are you Stupid?: “_____.” 2) Are you lying?: “_____.” (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ I get so nervous when someone compliments me. I don't know what to say. Someone: You are looking awesome today. Me: Happy Birthday. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Billie jean is probably my favorite song about a guy getting out of child support. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ If you ever bend over in front of your man and he DOESN'T smack you on the ass, somethings amiss. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I still giggle when the ketchup farts. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ Allow me to introduce my selves. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Off course Bruce Willis is gonna keep playing the same movie roles.You know what they say about old habits... (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ If you have a bladder infection you know Urine trouble. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Oh you have morals? You must be new here. (Donna Hudon)
____ I'm sure whatever you have to say can wait till you're smarter. (Donnie Ray Howel)
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