Monday, March 4, 2013


In an effort to catch up with the thousands upon thousands of hilarious Facebook status updates my FACEBOOK FANS have posted in 2013, I'm posting a ton of new stuff this week! Here are some more from February:

____ Turns out that in real life, whistling innocently while avoiding eye contact and slowly moving away from the scene of the crime is actually a dead giveaway. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce. (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Whenever I'm at work and someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME." (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ Ok, F**k you, fitted sheet! I don't care what that lady in the youtube video says, it's impossible to fold you! I don't care if you look like s**t in the linen closet! Die, fitted sheet, DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!! (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ You can get away with farting in front of a baby...they have no idea what's going on. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Can't get warm today, left the flask at home. (Lisa James)
____ My lack of strength is my greatest weakness. (Dave Prange)
____ My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I am breathing wrong. (Cygnus X-one)
____ Is "you look like someone that enjoys good food" a compliment, or was I just called fat? (Donna Hudon)
____ I am going to write my wife a love poem and hand pick a bouquet for her because I am a hopeless romantic and cheap. (Donny Norris)
____ Not everyone gets the standard "How are you feeling?" prompt on Facebook. Nope. A few of my friends keep getting "What do you wanna bitch about THIS time?" or "There are dreadful things happening all over the world today. Discuss." At least that's my theory. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I dip my fist in sugar before I punch my enemies in the face. Sweet, Sweet Revenge. (Lisa James)
____ ♪♫ Everybody cut, everybody cut, everybody cut Footloose ♫♪ ~ Me, if I were a surgeon amputating a gangrenous foot. (Jack Olivar)
____ I opened a Facebook page for my blow-up doll but the excitement was short lived. Someone poked her. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I found an awesome way to make time go by really fast at the office! I call it sleeping. (Beau Diggity)
____ I put the dumb in wisdom....wait....that's not right. (Jack Olivar)
____ I always carry a banana in my pocket because I think it would be pretty cool if some gorgeous girl ever came up to me, winked, and said suggestively, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?", and then I could reveal the banana with a flourish and say "It's a banana in my pocket" and then she'd walk away disappointed and I'll never get laid and I haven't really thought this through and I hate bananas anyway. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'll never join an online dating service. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way, through alcohol & poor judgement. (Dewald Jordaan)
____ That moment when you realize it's the other person in the room whose breath smells like shit and not yours. That. (Toni Daniels)
____ Roman Numerals...what are they good IV? (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held. (Elsie Daniels Broadnax)
____ I only post status updates when I have something else I definitely should be doing. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Now that the Post Office has stopped Saturday mail service, I guess I'll have to send off my ransom notes earlier in the week. (Eric Caro)
____ Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad. (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ I'm 42 years old and can drink a beer in my new couch cushion fort if I want to, Mom! (Jack Wagon)
____ Can I just get a relationship status that says I'm awesome and attract a lot of shit? (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just knew that she would calm down and give into my charm after that 30 minute chase throughout an alley. (King Julien)
____ Here's to the Superbowl! A day where fat, middle-aged, balding men sit on their couches scarfing beer and hoagies, screaming at 20 year old athletes that they're doing it wrong. (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Backwards written is this realise to you take it did long how? But not this bit. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Sorry I'm late, my car turned into a giraffe and I've never driven a giraffe before. (Shabana Essack)
____ I predict that World War 3 is going to be a Facebook fight. (Marené Gouws)
____ The only thing better than a guy with chocolate is just the chocolate. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven. (Hollywood Allan)
____ In 1989, someone told every woman named Barb that their hair looked good and they've been doing it the same ever since... (Chesty La Rue)
____ Just lit a cigarette off the case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills. (Jack Wagon)
____ WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE WHO HAS VIEWED YOUR PROFILE! Donny Norris' profile has been viewed by: 325 men, 409 women, 8 ATF agents, The FBI, 18 cats, A psychiatrist and YOU! (Donny Norris)
____ If any illiterates are reading this, you're probably not. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee. (Cygnus X-one)
____ There's probably no cause for alarm, but if any of you happen to know how to stop the timer on a home-made nuclear bomb, a really quick reply would be great. Thanks. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I've had just about enough of everything today. Except alcohol, of course. I definitely need more of that. (Jack Olivar)
____ Did my Friday morning exercises: 50 jumping for joy jacks and 15 heel clicks. (Lisa James)
____ How to cuss a kid out: "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!" (Donna Hudon)
____ I went to the cinema last night. I had to buy 6 tickets because there was this stupid bitch that kept tearing them up. (Chesty La Rue)
____ My doctor misdiagnosed me with OCD. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind as soon as I get the magazines organized in the waiting room. (Toni Sinclaire)
____ "I just died in your arms" sounds much more romantic than "You're holding a dead body." (Richard Earle Crown)
____ The worst thing about being single is having to make your own sandwiches. (Lisa James)
____ Opening up a piece of candy and shoving it in my mouth really fast before my kids can even see it is one out of the many hidden talents I posses. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Relax, we're all crazy. It's not a competition. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I'd look out the window for that. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Just once I'd like to see a judge take a verdict slip from the jury, look at it, turn and say:"Are you f#*kin kidding me?!?!" (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say: "What the Hell are you doing?" (Donnie Ray Howell)
____ Use yes and no once. 1) Are you Stupid?: “_____.” 2) Are you lying?: “_____.” (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ I get so nervous when someone compliments me. I don't know what to say. Someone: You are looking awesome today. Me: Happy Birthday. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Billie jean is probably my favorite song about a guy getting out of child support. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ If you ever bend over in front of your man and he DOESN'T smack you on the ass, somethings amiss. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I still giggle when the ketchup farts. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ Allow me to introduce my selves. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Off course Bruce Willis is gonna keep playing the same movie roles.You know what they say about old habits... (Enrico Golden Hartzenberg)
____ If you have a bladder infection you know Urine trouble. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Oh you have morals? You must be new here. (Donna Hudon)
____ I'm sure whatever you have to say can wait till you're smarter. (Donnie Ray Howel)