Saturday, March 30, 2013


I'm trying a new format with my blog posts because I know how difficult it can be to search through the hundreds of status updates posted on MY FACEBOOK PAGE, desperately trying to find one that matches your current mood. I've often felt that many of you share my short attention span. Also, you are smart-asses. And brilliant. What was I saying again? I want a sandwich. Hey, where's my shoe?

Status updates about the internet and/or technology:
____ I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of Ipads I've won & the number of Ipads I own. (Gary Hensley)
____ I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1979. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ There are so many scams on the internet now...Send me $19.95 and I'll tell you how you can avoid them. (Donna Hudon)
____ What if we are all just some losers Sims character? :/ (Donny Norris)
____ Why do we get that mini heart attack feeling when we leave for work without our phones? We made it through the 80s and the 80s rocked. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks. (Cygnus X-one)
____ I told my teen to be wary of strangers and "weirdos" on the computer. She should not pay any attention to them. Leave that to mommy. (Stephanie Manera)
____ likes 0 photos on Instagram. (Danny Coleiro)

Status updates about Facebook and/or stalking:
____ I'm inappropriate on Facebook because I have to be appropriate and follow the rules in real life. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ "Hello 911?" My friend is posting a lot of statuses on Facebook and I can't keep up... yes, I'll hold." (Jack Wagon)
____ why is it that when I meet people in real life they want to Facebook friend request me too? Isn't it enough you real life know me? Stalkers. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I'm married to him it doesn't mean I have to like him, right? (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ I hate when you're caught stalking in a tree outside someone's window so you freeze like a squirrel, and they're all like "I can still see you." (Jack Wagon)
____ You can steal my statuses if you want, but, I lick each one of them. With a cows tongue that I brought with me to a strip club. (Mustache Mann)
____ "Sure, you can share whatever you'd like! I enjoy our friendship and respect your thoughts and opinions! Unless I don't agree with you...then you're an idiot." -Everyone on Facebook (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)

Status updates about drinking/being drunk:
____ Whiskey and Ambien. When you absolutely, positively, have to wake up naked on your neighbors lawn holding a mailbox. (Donna Hudon)
____ I don't plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I'm going to consume once I leave work. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know. (Stephanie Manera)
____ I cry when a cop asks me to touch my nose during a sobriety test...because my uncle never gave it back. (Eric Caro)
____ I like to take a couple of shots of tequila every morning before work. It helps me be a team player. Instead of; " me, me, me", I walk around saying "WEEEEEEEEE!" (Dow Jones)

Facebook status updates about Music:
____ I haven't seen a good Johnny Cash status since I don't know when. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm pretty sure that if I'm shot through the heart and you're to blame, whether or not you give love a bad name is low on my list of priorities. (Jack Olivar)
____ Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics. (Hollywood Allan)

Completely random and just plain weird status updates:
____ When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I'll be able to fit". (Jack Olivar)
____ Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn't make a funny, cat-shaped hole. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Don't let the propeller hat fool you. I have no idea how to fly this plane. (Jack Wagon)
____ Operator: 9-1-1 please hold. Me: Ok. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec. Murderer: K. (Shabana Essack)
____ I went on a date with this guy and he took me to see a boring movie, so naturally, I fell asleep. When I woke up, he had his hand in my mouth and was trying to pull out one of my teeth!! We went out a few more times, but then he got weird. (Stacy Fournier)

Status updates about relationships / dating:
____ I know how to wink my eye in like, twelve different languages. (Jack Wagon)
____ Relationship status: BINOCULARS (Stephanie Manera)
____ I like online dating because your first couple of meetings you do from the comfort of your own couch, so you save on deodorant and shampoo and stuff.  (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar". (Shabana Essack)
____ My husband complains that I don't include him in enough things. That's bullshit. I just mentioned him in this status update. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I forgot how to play "hard to get" but I'm getting pretty good at "hard to get away from". (Stephanie Manera)
____ I'm so excited! I just got a date for this Sunday! It's March 31st, 2013. (Cygnus X-one)
____ Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to. (Trish Gill)

Status updates about food:
____ If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're a f***ing idiot. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ If you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free lunch. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm sorry I ate your chef hat. I thought it was a giant cupcake. (Jack Wagon)
____ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like can I have some and I’m like no f*** off what do you think this is a charity? (Shabana Essack)
____ I can't be the only one who thinks that Olive Garden would be so much more successful if it was named "The Garden of Eatin'". (Jack Olivar)

Status update that contains a pun:
____ I'll bet it's easy to tell orphans from non orphans...the difference is a parent. (Jack Olivar)

Status updates that contain wordplay:
____ I'm writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings attached. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I lived in the Middle East I would totally have a camel and name him Cameul L Jackson. (Jack Olivar)
____ "I'm always raising eyebrows." - a plastic surgeon probably (Lisa James)
____ Whenever one of my friends posts that "they have principals" I call their local police because holding school administrators is probably illegal. (Jack Olivar)
____ I just went down to McDonald's in Harlem. I don't get what all the hype is about. This shake is pretty normal. (Jack Olivar)
____ We'll we'll we'll if it isn't autocorrect. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I am never beside myself with worry because there being two of me standing side by side would only worry me more. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Notes to self: 1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem. 2. That’s stupid; don’t do that. 3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I only use curse-words for dramatic effuct. (Danny Coleiro)
____'s knot for everyone. (Chesty La Rue)
____ I hate it when people say "Take my word for it!" There are thousands of words in English, and I never know which one they mean. (Danny Coleiro)

Facebook status updates about Animals:
____ If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart, you can walk out with like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing. (Jack Wagon)
____ You must keep your eyes on the prize. Because the turtle who eats the grasshopper gets the worm. And like, everybody knows that. (Juliet Roxspin)
____ I think it's sad that blow fish can't lose weight even though they have a cocaine addiction. (Jack Wagon)
____ I'm guessing that the actual process of giving birth is what led to the extinction of the unicorn. (Jack Olivar)
____ I think it's pretty cool how storks are the only bird species that spent eight years in medical school to learn how to deliver a baby. (Jack Wagon)
____ I'll bet cats like the beach, because...well...giant litter box. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm pretty sure that if I was a kangaroo, I'd have like at least one potato sack race trophy on my wall. (Jack Wagon)

Status updates about having a bad day / stupid people:
____ Here walk a mile in my shoes. They're giving me huge blisters. (Lisa James)
____ Just when I manage to really convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ My background check bounced. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Nothing says "My life isn't going exactly as I planned" quite like being at WalMart at 1am. (Sean Shipley)
____ One of my favourite fantasies involves beating the $#@! out of stupid people. (Chesty La Rue)

Status updates about parenting / kids:
____ Not remembering where I set my drink down at parties must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall. (Michael D Ramsey)
____ My wife wants me to stop referring to our kids as "those little sons of bitches". (Dave Prange)
____ My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists! (Stephanie Manera)
____ My daughter just sh*t in the toilet for the first time...which is surprising cause she's sevenf**kingteen. (Jack Wagon)
____ My 14 year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek god, Herpes, today. I guess I should cross Harvard off his list of potential schools. (Jack Olivar)

Status update about my FAN PAGE:
____ Nurse: What is MY STATUS IS BADDEST?
Me: It's a place where we can post statuses for people to steal and hopefully make it to the blog website.
Nurse: ......
Me: ......
Nurse: So it is like a cult?
Me: (waits for a minute)...yes...(Eric Caro)