I DIDN'T FACEBOOK YOU. VODKA FACEBOOKED YOU. MORE STATUS UPDATES ABOUT DRINKING / BEING DRUNK:

ARE YOU TOO DRUNK TO COME UP WITH A FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE? MY BLOG AND FACEBOOK FAN PAGE HAVE PROVIDED WITTY, ALCOHOL-RELATED STATUS UPDATES SINCE 2009. HERE ARE SOME OF THEM:

____ Part of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk." (Jay'Arr Zone'Dee Stewart)
____ On Saturday mornings my kitchen counter looks like a beer memorial. (Lisa James)
____ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit on a boat all day drinking beer and holding a fishing pole. (Sarah Burns)
____ In college, I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking. (Chris Hallman)
____ If drinking destroys your memory…what does drinking do? (Kristie Jackson Schibbelhute)
____ If you're drunk enough, everything can be a piñata. (Mike Seriously)
____ I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is? (Rhoda Noland)
____ Still crazy after all these beers. (Lisa James)
____ Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's called the Heineken Maneuver. (Jason Diederich)
____ I miss you like my hand misses holding a beer. (Sharon Petracek)
____ I may be drunk but that doesn't give you the right to take advantage of me...said myself to myself. (Jason Diederich)
____ Remember, if you get too drunk to drive tonight, drink until you pass out where you are. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Just saw some statistics about the way that people walk when drunk. They were staggering! (Hollywood Allan)
____ Can't we just cut out the middleman and start watering orange trees with vodka?
(Jack Olivar)

DRUNK FACEBOOK

____ never plans on saying dumb things but then alcohol happens. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ This may be the best beer ever! But I'll drink the other 11 just to make sure. (Mike Seriously)
____ Alcohol doesn't make me an angry person, people do. (Nawnee Kuuipo K)
____ I don't know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur. (Richard Earle Crown)
____ I've been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...(Hugh Jorgan)
____ Officer, you sure ask a lot of questions for someone that doesn't even know me. (Mustache Mann)
____ I did nothing all day long. I deserve a drink. (Stephanie Manera)

If you liked these, please consider becoming a FAN ON FACEBOOK. If you hate laughing and funny things, then it's probably not your thing. However, I DID say please, and that's really rare these days. Do you really want to hurt me?

FUNNY AND WITTY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT FACEBOOK:

Not surprisingly, one of the most popular subjects discussed on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE is Facebook. We like to poke fun at Facebook, our friends on Facebook, the subjects currently being discussed on Facebook and so much more. Then, I sort the best ones by the amount of likes they receive. Here are a few of my favorite all-time status udpates about FACEBOOK. Thanks to everyone who has shared these over the years and continue to make the page the most original status update source around.

____ If you don't have Facebook...what do you do with your drunken rants and pics of food that nobody wants to read or see? (Mustache Mann)
____ A few short years ago, I had no idea what to do with all the unflattering pictures I took of myself in the bathroom. Not anymore! Thanks, Facebook! (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends. (Gail Pemberton)
____ If you have over 600 friends, you should NOT have to take a picture of yourself. (Mike Foster)
____ I wear a trench coat so that when people unfriend me I can just grab my boombox and stand outside their window with it over my head until they agree to take me back. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I often refrain from using the word 'f*ckwit' on Facebook because I'm worried it might automatically tag a million or so people. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook. (Nikki Sholar)
____ Some guy stole my status last night, re-worded it, and got more likes than I did. It was a friendly competition in the beginning. Now he's dead. Who wants to go ice skating with me? (Juliet Rockspin)
____ The stupid Facebook Timeline is completely ruining the whole "Drink Till You Forget" concept. Now I have a drinking problem AND get to remember everything. (Wendy Lee Norried-Herrera)
____ Just reached 241 Facebook friends. IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, DAD?!?! (Jacob Grant)

____ When filling out a resume, is "Facebook friends" capitalized? (Justin John Bernard)
____ I like having an ex-boyfriend...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning. (Carrie Danley)
____ I am so tired of not being able to swear in my statuses since my family got Facebook. So f*ck it. Sorry grandma. (Chris Hallman)
____ Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you gets out of a DUI. (Sharon Petracek)
____ I'm at a red light and this is all I have time to post. (Donny Norris)
____ If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't know what to do with all these pictures of my lunch I had lying around. (William Hale)
____ Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew* (Mustache Mann)
____ when I die, they will look at my Facebook statuses and realize that my life was not wasted. (Eric West)
____ Wow, some people will do anything for a "like" on Facebook. Anyways, if you agree like my status. (Jason Rossi)
____ I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we'd post pictures of us doing it on Facebook. (Kylie Toyne)
____ I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. (Chris Batchelor)
____ Who needs the movies? Everything is right here on Facebook...Explicit Language, Sex, Drama, Suspense, Conspiracy to commit murder...Oh hold up that's in my house...Oh well it's on Facebook too. (LaDonna MsCarol Reed)
____ I find it shocking that none of my High School classmates that made my life miserable for four years and sent me a friend request on FB, have bothered to post on my wall today! I'm starting to think we may not actually be friends. (Rae Broman)
____ Roses are red ; Facebook is blue. 0 mutual friends; Who the hell are you? (Enem Paul)
____ I put my Facebook status as "I kissed a girl" and then I liked it. (Daivys Burgos)
____ whenever a Facebook friend shares bad news, I try to cheer them up by hitting the "like" button and commenting "lmao"! (Brad Smith)
____ I don't even know 75% of the people I'm friends with on Facebook. Why, then, do I get so upset when I see that my friend count has gone down by one? (Jacob L. Grant)

TAX DAY IS MONDAY, APRIL 15TH. HERE ARE A FEW FUNNY STATUS UPDATES REGARDING TAXES...BECAUSE IF WE DIDN'T LAUGH, WE'D PROBABLY CRY:

Ahh, it's almost TAX DAY, Americans (April 15th). I've gone through my past blog posts to find the funniest status updates about this hideous time of year in which we fill out forms we know nothing about and hope to get money and stuff back from the government. Enjoy!

____ is looking for friends with tax benefits. (Lisa James)
____ would have gotten a lot more back on my taxes if I could claim co-dependents. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I got BOMBED tonight and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I've ever played (Justin Sayson)
____ Oxymoron of the day: Tax Return (Cory Nation)
____ DID MY TAXES AND GOT SOMETHING BACK! The tax preparer turned his head and I made off with a stapler and 3 pens. (Donny Norris)
____ gets euphoric when I get my tax refund until I realize it was my money to begin with. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Just did my taxes, guess what? I owe the government 1 kidney, my first born child and 3 million dollars. I hate these new tax laws. (Gwen Masterson)

____ has been declared "legally dead" for tax purposes. (Scott Brady)
____ Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. (Dave Fletcher)
____ I got my tax refund yesterday. Now, I'm just trying to decide which vending machine to spend it at. (Sheree D. Mastern)
____ Can I add the voices in my head as dependents on my taxes? (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Hey folks, don't forget to pay your taxes this year so the government can give it to people that don't feel like working.
(Jeff Raynor)
____ "When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us." –Jimmy Kimmel
____ I take a bite of all my kids desserts to teach them early that life isn't fair and someone is always taxing your piece of the pie. (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ H&R Block said I won't get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children. (Gerti Kola)
____ It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ "A dollar saved is a quarter earned." -Oscar Levant
____ "Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." -Herman Wouk

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with new status updates daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

FACEBOOK STATUS UDPATES ABOUT EXERCISE / WORKING OUT:

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT EXERCISE / WORKING OUT:
____ I was going to start jogging today, but then I remembered that I own a car. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ There is always that one person at the gym who thinks they're in the Olympics. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ So proud of myself. Even though I didn't make it to the gym earlier today, I got my ass up off the couch and changed the channel. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Workout Journal Day #5: Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me. (Dianne Carman Petty)
____ My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to. (Stacy Fournier)
____ Never thought I would be one of those people who got up early to hit the gym every day. I was right. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ It takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile. Therefore, frowning is the superior exercise. (Donny Norris)

____ One of my fitness goals is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without any help. (Stephanie Manera)
____ My aerobics instructor told me to follow along in class the same way I would when I'm working out to an exercise video at home. So I stopped for a snack break after 10 minutes and then I just left. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy. Oh, that’s a mirror! I need to go to the gym. (Crystal Lee Wolfe)
____ Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That's why i think of jogging every morning. (Enem Paul)
____ Just saw theres an exercise called Burpee's. Finally something I will be good at. I can definitely burp and pee at the same time. (Lisa James)
____ just did a shot of wheatgrass* and now I'm off to the gym**!(*=bourbon, **=pub) (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)

I'm going through thousands of status updates and categorizing them as they should have been from the beginning. I've been blogging about Facebook status updates since 2009.  I will post a lot in the next few weeks. Thanks to everyone who reads and shares status updates from this blog or my FACEBOOK PAGE. You complete me!