Tuesday, May 7, 2013


Love is expressed in many ways: A letter, a touch, a special song that says exactly what you are thinking but can't find the words to say yourself. Yes, there are many romantic ways to show love. Even on Facebook.

____ "Are you single?" "No, I'm in a committed endless discussion about where to have dinner." (Imraan Jussab)
____ The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ I think once we get past the restraining orders and the court dates and the stalking charges, we can really make this relationship work. (Gwen Masterson)
____ You call it stalking...I call it a complicated long distance relationship with lack of effort to make this thing work on your part. (Nikki Sholar)
____ You call it Russian Roulette. I call it coming home to my wife every day. (Hollywood Allan)
____ that awkward moment when you realize your husband DOES check Facebook. (Andi Rogers)
____ "In an unhealthy relationship" should definitely be a Facebook option. (Sean Shipley)
____ I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own. (Adam Apple)
____ Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd. (Sherman Dee Moose)
____ Can somebody lower their standards and fall in love with me, please? (Seb Diesel)
____ Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love. Sure, if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If you like someone, tell them. Or just stalk them on every social network and cry yourself to sleep every night. It's whatevs. (Matt Procella)
____ It's better to have loved and lost than to have me punch you in the esophagus. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Every now and then I like to reflect on marriage and think to myself, "Where would I be, if not for my husband?" Then I get all depressed and have to stop because I keep coming up with all these great answers. (Stacy Fournier)
____ You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common. I hate you too. Let's date. (Mustache Mann)

____ As I sit here in my boxers playing xbox, drinking beer, and covered in cheetos dust with a gravy stain on my shirt; I can't help but wonder, how am I still single? (Sean Shipley)
____ Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist. (Rita Filakia)
____ There ain't no mountain high enough to keep me from getting to you. Unless its an actual mountain. Then forget it. (Ember Sclafani)
____ I thought that stalking my stalker would be a good idea, but we've both been stuck up this same tree for three days now. (Danny Coleiro)
____ You had me at "what's a restraining order?" (Mustache Mann)
____ I love watching Facebook relationships flourish into beautiful bonds...then watching them burn into a miserable and horrifying crash. (Jesse A Kinkead)
____ If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes. (Cassie Tarner)
____ Never try to be someone you’re not, because then people are like, “Hey! You’re not my husband!” and then they call the police. (Rick Montgomery)
____ I always give women flowers after we've gone out for a week or two since they usually need cheering up at that point in our relationship... (See More)

Wednesday, May 1, 2013


Albert Einstein once said, "If A equals success, then the formula is A= X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." My readers have ignored Albert, thankfully, and have shared a bunch of humorous Facebook status updates about jobs. These will be particularly helpful for those of you about to graduate and enter the workforce. This is your future:

____ I wonder if I can figure out a way to get a hologram of myself to go to work tomorrow? (Beau Diggity)
____ My dream job is to be that guy at the mall who plays with those remote controlled helicopters all day. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn't have one damn ride. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Listening to customers at work has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ "Okay. Everyone here hates you and hopes you die" is, apparently, not what your boss is expecting when he exclaims "Tell me something I don't know!" (Danny Coleiro)
____ I don't have to be sitting on the "dock of the bay" to waste time, I do it perfectly fine in my office chair. (Crystal Mann)
____ If there are cameras in the elevators at work I'm in big trouble. (Toni Daniels)
____ I could never work for CSI. I would always want to run through the yellow crime tape like I just came in first place at a marathon. (Mike Seriously)
____ I love when my boss tells me I can work from home because, well, naps. (Jack Olivar)
____ Some people say I’m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we’re going to have to let you go." (Mike Seriously)
____ If falling asleep at work is wrong.....I don't wanna be caught. (Rob Parsley)
____ I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap...sell it for 1.8 million and retire. That's my plan. (Donny Norris)
____ Wrote my resume on a bar napkin. I got the job and they're sending me away on a 30 day business trip and they give you free key chains! :) (Jack Wagon)
____ I'm running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse? (Beau Diggity)
____ The only thing I'm really learning from this 401K meeting at work is that I'll probably never be able to retire. (Stacy Fournier)
____ Happy (outsourced) Labor Day! (Brandon M)
____ In 1987, my teacher made me write "I must hand my work in on time" five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway...I'm finally done. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This is ridiculous - I have so much work to do, I can barely get on Facebook. My boss is rude. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Apparently the height of my business success occurred at age 14 while playing Monopoly. (Jack Olivar)
____ I'm not a doctor but I play one on Match.com. (Mike Seriously)
____ I worked as a photographer once and shot some weddings. Sooo much blood. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ FYI wearing camouflage at your desk so no one sees you sleeping doesn't work. (Thomas Christopher)
____ At work during break, I sometimes stand by the coffee machine and wonder if a beautiful co-worker will come by and pour coffee over herself in slow-mo. That would be hot! (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ So how long does this MSIB season last? I kinda need to get back to my job and stuff. (Nathan Drake)
____ I just walked into my coworker's office out of the blue, hugged him, and said "Hey, bro. For what it's worth, I think it was bullsh*t and I'm gonna miss you!" Then I quickly walked out while he frantically shouted "What? What?!" behind me. Hahahaha (Donny Norris)
____ I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Unfortunately, at no point during my workday, does anyone ever have a reason to shout my name and then toss me a sword. (John Jordan)

Do you have a funny status updates to share about working (or not working, for that matter)? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and post it! Thanks for reading! Oh, and a special congratulations to Maria Dugo -my favorite graduate. You will go far in life, provided you don't listen to me or any of these people on my blog. Good Luck!