____ The first rule of condescending club is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you. (Jack Olivar)
____ Me: Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see. I got a fever of a hundred and three...
911 Operator: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?
Me: Maybe
911 Operator: Sir...please stop (Jack Olivar)
____ I woke up late. - obamas fault. I stubbed my toe - obamas fault. I hit a squirrel - obamas fault. I have indigestion - obamas fault. I hate you - obamas fault. (Lisa James)
____ Had a good workout at the gym today. 50 reps on the bench press. Working my way up to actually putting weights on the bar. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ ...so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down... (Sharon Anastasia Beaverhousen)
____ Marriage is basically just 99% replying to each other with... "I don't care, what do you want for dinner?" (Jack Wagon)
____ Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you're in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work. (John Geiger)
____ My wife: “What’s Facebook like?” Me: “It’s amazing.” Her: “OK, I’ll join.” Me: “Oh look, Facebook just shut down forever. That’s too bad.” (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Wow.. I didn't know spandex could hold that much. (Toni Daniels)
____ America was not shut down properly. Would you like to restart America in safe mode? (Recommended) (Kara Felice)
____ I would never take a bullet for anyone, because taking something that's not yours is called stealing and stealing is just plain wrong. (Gary Hensley)
____ Personally I think that every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about." ...(Shauna Richards)
____ Bread is so lazy. All it does is loaf around. I'll leave now. (Stacy Fournier)
____ If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those. (Gary Hensley)
____ Call me crazy, but I don't think I really need to be in this mental institution. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure & called an ambulance. (Billy Guy)
____ Every time this status gets a 'Like' a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ No, Ignorance isn't bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid. (Lisa Brooks)
____ If you love her...let her go...*Grandma wanders into traffic* (Eric Caro)
____ Government shut down my ass, I never even noticed they were open. (Captain Jerk)
____ If I learned anything from my children, it's that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it. (Stacy Fournier)
____ No stupid people were harmed in the making of this status, I came up with this shite all by myself. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Marriage. When dating goes too far. (Olivia May)
____ I'm going to have to delete some relatives on account of their serious ass comments on my amazingly hilarious ass statuses. #buzzkill (Nawknee Kuuipo K)
____ "Hey man, got any pot?" - homeless plants (Lisa Brooks)
____ My friends are always saying how funny and awesome they think I am. Mostly because they are imaginary and I tell them what to think. (Stacy Fournier)
____ My great grandma raised 12 kids and had dinner on the table every night...I just went braless into Wendy's and got a frosty for dinner. (Long, Wide, and Thick)
____ How do you people get your ducks in a row? Mine aren't responding to verbal threats OR threatening gestures. (Lisa Brooks)
____ Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ "IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE." "Sir this is a Cheese grater." "WHERE'S YOUR MANAGER?!" (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: Sir, have you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age. (Rick Montgomery)
____ I got angry, threw my Nokia phone at a wall and watched as it smashed into a million pieces. The phone's fine though. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It's a lot easier to see what's coming when you're only driving at eleven miles an hour. (Harry Norbert)
____ Facebook: where 20-year stand-up comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis on MSIB. (James McCauley)
____ My wife wanted a puppy .I didn't want a puppy . So we compromised and got a puppy. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ I hate it when people try to be funny...is probably what everybody thinks after they read my posts. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I was super lazy today. It's like regular lazy but I wore a cape. (Chris P. Bacon)
____ If you watch Scarface backwards, it's about a man who gives up cocaine and crime and becomes a dishwasher to earn enough money so that he can achieve his dream of moving to Cuba. (Gary Hensley)
____ I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the Old West architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone... (John Geiger)
____ MSIB: We all deserve to have someone in our lives that sees us at our worst and yet somehow still approves. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Save your little napkin, bartender. I don't plan on having this drink long enough to set it down. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ I don't like being out of my comfort zone (aka: my bed). (Stacy Fournier)
____ Coworker: I don't even know what's wrong with me. *sighs*
Me: Oo Oooo, pick me, pick me! I know! *raises hand with answer* (Christopher Kutzler)
____ Sometimes I feel like my life is a foreign movie with no subtitles. I just keep nodding, smiling and thinking WTF. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I'm on this great new diet where I tell everyone about it and then it doesn't work. (Sean Shipley)
____ They can probably ditch the "Insane" part, as it's pretty much implied in the concept of a posse made entirely of clowns. (Gary Hensley)
____ Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping. (Chesty La Rue)
____ It's only October 3rd and I've already beaten the shit out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances. (Gary Hensley)
____ Try to live in the present. The moment you read that is no longer happening. This one is. Oops. That one's gone too. You suck at this. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours. (Olivia May)
____ You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I'm making a real puking pumpkin this year. I have saved up all my puke for a month! (Lisa James)
____ Hell hath no fury like a woman for no particular reason. (Donna Hudon)
____ Cop : Sir , have you been drinking ?
Me : *slowly unbuttons shirt to reveal underlying superman t-shirt* Its me. *winks*
Cop: please get out of the car. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ oooohhh, the handles on the mattress are to MOVE it!! I have been totally misusing them this whole time! (Lori Anne)
____ Here's a tip for you: When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again. This way, if they ever leave you, they'll get withdrawal symptoms, think it's love, and come back. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I'd welcome all you government employees to MSIB but we all know you guys have been here the whole time. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I love u. I hate u. I love u. I hate u. I love u. I hate u. Oh, don't mind me. I'm just being a woman. (Lisa Brooks)
____ Can't stand girls who try to sneeze all cute and dainty. It's a sneeze, not a mating call. Just emit it in a violent explosion like the rest of us do. (Stacy Fournier)
____ Quitting smoking cold turkey was easy for me. Quitting smoking tobacco on the other hand, was quite a challenge. (Olivia May)
____ Trust me dude, I’m just as excited as you are when I take my bra off. (Victoria Beaver)
____ Deep thought and deep sleep can look a lot alike. At least, that's what I tell my boss. (Stacy Fournier)
____ They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Crap You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it. (Billy Guy)
____ Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I'll finish this later. (Dina Malinchalk Sadler)
____ You say, "potato", I say, "whiskey". (Chris P. Bacon)
____ You know, when chemists die, we barium. (Les Chinyanga)
____ If you ever tell me to "turn that frown upside down" I will probably punch you in the windpipe, smile, and thank you for changing my mood. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ If you go for a jog and you don't post it on Facebook, have you really jogged? (Stacy Fournier)
____ Dont trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers. (Les Chinyanga)
____ Cop : have you been drinking sir ?
Me : one medium double quarter pounder meal please.
Cop : please come out of the car.
Me : sprite (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ “Pets must be on a leash.” “No smoking.” “No alligators allowed.” I’m starting to think these rules were written just to target me and my smoking alligator. (Rick Montgomery)
____ It's truly amazing that taxi drivers spend their whole lives in a car, but never discover air conditioning. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done. (Gary Hensley)
____ You're only as old as you feel ... so today I'm like 98. (Olivia May)
____ I’m posing nude for an art class tomorrow...Nobody asked me to.I think they’re making ceramic bowls, or something. (John Geiger)
____ I wouldn't say I have a case of the Mondays...a keg would be more like it. (Rick Montgomery)
____ No, I'm not a terrible driver, I'm just a really good stunt woman. (Lisa Brooks)
____ Name Brands really are better. For instance, I found out that a "Tide Pen" works much better on a stain, then a regular pen. (John Geiger)
____ So texting while driving is now illegal, but I can still update my Facebook status, right? Asking for a friend. (Stacy Fournier)
____ Some thing's are better left unsaid, until you know...Beer. (Ime Anass)
____ I'm so Irish I drink water and piss Whiskey. (Tyler Talbot)
____ I could never live on the moon. I'm pretty sure it's always night time there. And I'm scared of the dark/space-sky. (Eric Caro)
____ When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music." When I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave the hardware store". (Mark Hung)
____ *wife stares at me* *I stare at her* *she frowns* *I smile* "You didn't notice my new-" "NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES." "Dress." (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ According to WebMD my penis has an elbow. (Jack Wagon)
____ Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. (Hollywood Allan)
____ You're not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone. (Randy Masters)
____ Justin Bieber vomited on stage twice during a concert. That settles it! She's pregnant. (Randy Masters)
____ Gaining weight while you owe me money is a BIG sign of disrespect. (Siphiwe Khumalo)
____ I'm at my most productive when I'm naked. And not at work. And asleep. I don't understand the question. (Victoria Beaver)
____ Psstt...I’m starting my plan to grow an Amish beard today. Sorry, guys – you can’t have all the fun. (Shauna Richards)
____ I just spent my "Halloween Candy" money on a couple of cases of Samuel Adams Oktoberfest beer. I hope the trick or treaters are happy with the Sweet'N Low packets and Bounce Fabric Softener sheets that they are getting this year. (Jack Thomas Jr.)
____ I don't like strange kids knocking on my door at night or the thought of spending tons of money on candy. This Halloween I'm wrapping my home in the crime scene tape I stole from the police station. (Captain Jerk)
____ Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja (Gary Hensley)
____ A sign seen at a drug rehab facility: "PLEASE KEEP OFF THE GRASS." (Steven Nibur)
____ *Playing game for first time* "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *2 minutes later* Me: "How the f*&$ do you play this sh*t?" (Olivia May)
____ Is it a crime to hand out chocolate covered scotch bonnet peppers for Halloween? (Beau Diggity)
____ Scientists still can't decide if insane people own multiple cats or if owning multiple cats makes people insane. (Sean Shipley)
____ One night stands are like elevator rides: We're only together for a certain purpose, for a very short time. Let's not ruin it by talking. (Donna Hudon)
____ Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths. (Sammy Coleman)
____ My daughter brought her new boyfriend home tonight. He was quiet but polite. Not once did he ask me why...I was holding an axe. (Harry Norbert)
____ I like when you like my status. Like if I could like your like that liked my status I would like it. Like you know I what I mean ? ¤LMS¤ (Brandon Elliott James)
____ My friend was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF. (John Geiger)
____ This "normal" that you speak of...it doesn't sound fun at all. (Ben Iz Bshop)
____ Last night I watched a movie about Stockholm Syndrome. At first I hated it, but halfway through I never wanted it to end. (Rick Montgomery)
____ I don't know if there is any weirder feeling than getting your socks wet in the toilet. (Viktor Marackov)
____ Don't be alarmed by the giant fart sound echoing across America. It's just the government shutting down. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ WORD OF THE DAY: "OBAMA" As in: I bought a 12 pack of beer and drank it OBAMA self. (Carla Albright)
____ If you leave beer in my fridge, that sh*t is no longer yours. (Siphiwe Khumalo)
____ I like to listen to sad music when I’m sad to make me double sad. (Imraan Jussab)
____ Miss MSIB : Okay ,one last thing before I feature you on my blog. Lets check your Google search history.
Me : I'll show myself out... (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
