The BEST Facebook Status updates from August 28th, 2011-2014:

My FACEBOOK FAN PAGE has been the best place to find unique Facebook status updates for four years now!* I've found the most-liked status updates from this date, 8/28, starting in 2011:

____ The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that. (Mike Seriously)
____ In case anyone was wondering how hot it is outside, I just saw a couple of Hobbits running by my house carrying a ring. (Gary Hensley)
____ Is bikini season almost over yet? I'm freaking starving. (Olivia May)
____ I bought a new thesaurus today. It's nothing to write house about. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Don't you hate when you do someone a favor and they get all angry?! I will never spit shine another persons glasses ever again... (Miguel Munoz)
____ "Hey! I have nothing to do! Please everyone come talk to me and give me more work!" - The impression I apparently give off whenever I am completely overwhelmed at the office. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop? (Rajat Behl)
____ Automatic flush sensors look an awful lot like hidden cameras. (S.r. Furst)
____ I once dated a girl with a parrot. That thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though. (Enrico Hartzenberg)
____ I suffer from narcolepsssssssssssssssssssss (Danny Coleiro)
____ I kinda hope there's an escalator to heaven and not a stairway. I am kinda lazy and would hate to miss out. (Jack Olivar)
____ My doctor asked me if I drank alcohol. I said no. We laughed... (Angel May West)
____ It's not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom. (Donna Hudon)
____ A cop pulled me over for weaving. I guess there's a law against making baskets while driving? (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm gonna call that ninja move "Upper Leg Cramp, Crying Father."  (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I found a library book I never returned from 2009. Luckily, I have no attachments and can hit the road. Start fresh somewhere new. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ My friend wanted to meet someone the old fashioned way, so I offered sheep and land to a man she didn't know if he agreed to take care of her. (Coleen Sayers Bartay)
____ It's time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops. (Karl Tate)
____ Hey. Guys. Hey. Guys guys guys. Are we, like, 1000% sure there's no caffeine in Red Bull? (Les Chinyanga)
____ "Oh Sh*t!!!!" - Flies (Lisa James)
____ If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life. (Matt Storm)
____ Pepsi...for when they run out of Coke. (Fifi La Rue)
____ Some ugly person just called me shallow. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ I don’t think my boss appreciated me jiggling my butt in her face this morning. But, in my defense she told me to “get twerk”. (Wi N Ter)

____ You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home. (Joey Guy)
____ Could you Trojan® imagine if we Absolut® got free product McDonald's® just by Budweiser® mentioning them? I mean Nike® really!? Taco Bell® (Jack Wagon)
____ Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out. (Sean Shipley)
____ "Oh come on kid, stop playing with that goddamn crank" ~ Jerk in the Box (Jack Olivar)
____ I hate when I'm in my underpants making a sandwich and the manager at subway walks up and says you're fired. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ I'm sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I'm extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip. (Karen Burroughs)
____ BAM! I am officially green now! Well, sort of...I finally figured out how to steal electricity from my neighbors. (Beau Diggity)
____ Age sure changes your perspective. Lots of things I used to hate when I was younger, I love now... Like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings...stuff like that. (Dave Prange)
____ Show me on the back of your mini van window...where your life went wrong. (Jack Wagon)
____ I hate when pple tries to corrects peeeple on ghrammer on somethin as informal as facebk! (Clinton CWalka Walker)
____ "You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook. (Sheena Childress)
____ The FAA has now banned tweezers. Personally I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane. (Karen Burroughs)
____ The strangest thing happened at work today. A co-worker who walks around the office saying "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys. (Sue Miklaucich)
____ "Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol. (Tyler Kattrein)
____ "I want to use my brain... just not that much." -Those folks who do the People© Magazine crossword puzzle (Steven Nibur)
____ Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital? (Leslie Hagen Wuest)
____ "This is where I sh*t." - Sean Connery showing people chairs in his house (Tom William)
____ I don't consider it a typo as much as I consider it a new way to spell a word. (Amanda Williams McSweeney)
____ Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : "In other news, Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless bitch. Details at 11". (Shabana Essack)
____ To be frank, I find the excess use of profanity used here rather unsettling and more than a bit shocking. Luckily, I'm not Frank. He's a f***ing tosspot. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "Objection! That's "allegedly" killed the cat, your honor" ~ Curiosity's lawyer (Jack Olivar)
____ I know my ABC's A. She's always right B. I'm always wrong C. I will get some if I follow A and B. (Mustache Mann)
____ Nooo,  I didn't say you WERE stupid.  I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it. (Mustache Mann)
____ Sometimes I like to go to Costco, pull up a milk crate next to the food sample lady, whip out my Easy Bake Oven and say... "Game on bitch!" (Jack Wagon)
____ My dentist told me to come back in a week for my new crown. I was super excited about it too until I showed up at his office and realized he was talking about a porcelain tooth. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I'll bet volcanoes erupting are just the earth throwing up after a bad night of drinking. (Jack Olivar)
____ “Go out there and get your ass kicked by Steven Seagal” - Script for everyone else in a Steven Seagal movie, probably. (Gary Hensley)
____ I'm not gonna lie: Every time I stop at a red light, I hope that those Chinese guys from "Better Off Dead" pull up beside me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Child has asked for a mood ring at least a million times today. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. Damn it, I need a mood ring. (Donna Hudon)
____ Sometimes I like to watch TAPS and imagine I'm investigating the paranormal and that I don't owe Visa $8,000 for a Ghostbusters Proton Pack. (Jack Wagon)

*According to a recent survey, conducted by me.

Will you BECOME A FAN on Facebook today...or will you be a jerk? The choice is yours.

65 WITTY, SARCASTIC AND FUNNY STATUS UPDATES FROM AUGUST 25th (2011-2014):

Yesterday, I published THIS LIST highlighting a few of the best Facebook Status updates written on MY FAN PAGE on any August 24th during 2011-2014. Today, I highlight those from August 25th, in no particular order. It was tough to narrow it down to just 65 (see side note at the end of my post). These are excellent. Excited to see what tomorrow brings!

____ The expiration date on this bottle of vodka is one hour from now. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I think alarm clocks would be more effective if they woke us with motivational phrases like, "OMG, a SNAKE!" or, "THERE ARE ONLY 2 PIECES OF BACON LEFT!" (Donny Norris)
____ If you can't stand the heat, you don't have to get out of the kitchen. Turn the thermostat down. It's probably too high. Be rational people. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "Cool, I love candles. That pie shell looks deelish too. Hey, what's with the knife, dude? Wait, Stop. Oh God, Please Stop!" – Pumpkins (William Hale)
____ Sometimes I wish my friends on Facebook were real. (Lisa James)
____ Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I'm now the proud owner of a giant circus tent. (Jack Wagon)
____ I saw a spider in my bathtub, so I got a piece of tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down. (Jean F. Badenhorst)
____ I think I'm drunk. I'm sitting on this DJ's turntable, and the room's not spinning. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "That awkward moment when you try to pee on something, but you have no pee left." -my dog. (Tom William)
____ That awkward moment between your wedding and your divorce. (Matt Storm)
____ Sat down and asked for a bowl of Lobster Bisque. They told me, "we don't serve that here". So then I asked for the Vichyssoise. Again, they told me, "we don't serve that here". And they call themselves a SOUP KITCHEN?! (Mustache Mann)
____ Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do. (Tom William)
____ I was irritated when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it (Mike Seriously)
____ A jealous coworker asked me today what it feels like to have my own parking spot. My answer: Like a closer walk to hell. (Donny Norris)
____ I know a nap isn't a Klondike bar, but there are a lot of things I would do for one. (Stacy Jane)
____ If you love someone, tell them. Shout it from the rooftops. And then hurl yourself off the building to avoid the pain of it ending badly. (Steven Nibur)
____ I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I haven't been to this page for almost a year now, give or take, but only because I was working full-time on this hilarious status update. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This hot dog water ramen noodle tea...tastes like I'm broke as f*ck :( (Jack Wagon)
____ I had my first taste of sobriety today and I actually liked it! What a clever name for a beer. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm not nearly as funny as you think I'm not. (Mike Seriously)
____ The most polite way to tell someone you think they look bad is to ask if they are sick. (Clay A. Nash)
____ If I were my boss, I'd never leave my coffee cup unattended. (Donny Norris)
____ English is not my native language and I already know that “I’ll try to be there” means “I’m not coming” (Adam Apple)
____ While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement. (Donna Hudon)
____ If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink. (Enem Paul)
____ I was just told I'm someones BFF. Being the idiot I am, I had to google it. Backup-file Format is a euphemism for something hot right? (Kylie Toyne)
____ Nothing says SCREW YOU like a restaurant giving you one napkin with your takeout order (Enrico Hartzenberg)
____ If there are two things I've learned, it's math. (Adam Apple)
____ The most exciting thing about the fall is going to be watching Ashton Kutcher on 2 & 1/2 men, because I'm lying. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I’m in much better shape than my 2-month-old nephew. He can barely hold his head up. Pathetic. (William Hale)
____ The only thing I love more than cake is cakes. (Tiffany Mobley)
____ Save the planet. Become a dead person. (Jacob L. Grant)
____ There is a vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. (Jason Lee Mount)
____ You know you're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you used to get from a rollercoaster - (Sara Lavoie)
____ I was pulled kicking and screaming, bloody and naked from my home and thrust into a the arms of strangers who put me on display like an animal in a zoo, LET's CELEBRATE! ~ Birthdays (Donny Norris)
____ Today I’ll be opening my British seafood gay bar called “Fish ‘N Chaps.” Inbox me for franchise opportunities. (William Hale)
____ The guy who invented the time machine has died. RIP Charley Jacobs. 1974 – 1746. (Pritchard Van Chogs)
____ you know what's funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it. (Adam Apple)
____ And for my next trick, I will walk down the street and turn into a bar. (Ralph Pleczkowski Jr.)
____ Drunk me and sober me are the SAME person! We just laugh at my statuses for different reasons. (Mustache Mann)
____ I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they're going to be talking. (Leslie Hagen Wuest)
____ I wasn't planning on having a beer. The pretzels made me do it. (Lisa James)
____ Soooo, since actually I'm not the last man on earth, was that a yes? (Donny Norris)
____ The awkward moment when someone says “hi“ and you say “good“. (Enem Paul)
____ Facebook is smart enough to track your browsing history, memorize your search records, and suggest ads catered to your interests, but when you defriend your ex after changing your status from "in a relationship" to "single," Facebook still tries to suggest her as an "Add Friend" because you have two friends in common. I can't decide if this makes Facebook ballsy, stupid, or masochistic. (Jacob L. Grant)
____ How does a couple weather one of them saying "Let's take ballroom dancing"? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was "Very Strong." (Leslie Hagen Wuest)
____ Just pulled a chest hair out while buttoning my shirt...43 years down the drain. :( (Donny Norris)
____ I'm pretty sure Nickelback is right, if I was a rock star I reckon I would have a drug dealer on speed dial. (Fifi La Rue)
____ When people get on Twitter or Facebook and announce that their internet is down, how the hell are they doing that? (Arthur Mabry)
____ "Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you're left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth shattering nuts, which if you are desperate enough to eat leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper wrappers." (Sara Lavoie)
____ My alarm clock just gave me the "you're throwing your life away" look. (Aaron Aber)
____ The early bird gets the worm, but I'd rather sleep in and I don't like worms. (Jason Lee Mount)
____ I don't allow other users to check me into places cause they just might check me into the State Mental Hospital. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Where was I? No, I mean yesterday: where was I? Because I'm guessing these feathers came from somewhere. (Gail Pemberton)
____ I canceled my Ancestry.com account as soon as I discovered I have a Great-Great-Great-Great Grandmother named Dorcus. (Beau Diggity)
____ I just won an all inclusive trip to the liquor store sponsored by my boss' stolen credit card! (Eric Jacques)
____ Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty. (Jack Thomas Jr.)
____ Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there's a wine sampling booth that day? (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I make the other half of the Oreo watch. (Ralph Pleczkowski Jr.)
____ *takes 50 selfies* *deletes 49* *stares at that one selfie till it turns ugly* *deletes that too*. (Pritchard Van Chogs)
____ If Jiminy Cricket was here with me he would be so disappointed. (Tyler Kattrein)
____ No thanks, marriage. If I want to never get laid, I'll just start wearing crocs. (Ralph Pleczkowski Jr.)

Sidenote: Karanbir Singh Tinna, I thoroughly enjoyed your post from today. However, when I copied and pasted it on my personal page I lost 30 friends. I still love you. :(  Love, MSIB

HILARIOUS FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES FROM THE MSIB VAULT, AUGUST 24th (2011-2014)

On this day in history, August 24th, my readers posted a few hundred Facebook Status updates, hoping to see a "like" or two. It worked. I found the most-liked statuses from August 24th, 2011-2014. They are in no particular order. Enjoy!*

____ My ideal job would be giving bitchy retorts to a 16-year-old girl to say to the high school mean girls through a hidden earpiece. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I offered a bum a ride this morning but she refused to get in the trunk. You just can't help some people. (Donny Norris)
____ I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway. (William Hale)
____ That awkward moment where every single awkward moment joke has been done before. (Mike Seriously)
____ Three women walk into a bar. "Congratulations," says the barman. "You've subverted a male-dominated joke format." (Jason Mykl Snyman)
____ If I don't answer my phone the first time obviously you should call immediately 5 more times like a goddamn psycho. (Matt Storm)
____ My English teacher said I would never amount to anything, but I have over 600 friends on Facebook, so what does she no. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it. (Joey Guy)
____ I started to think I had a drinking problem. :( But then I found two beers hidden in the back of the fridge! "Problem" solved! (Mustache Mann)
____ They rarely mean it when they tell you that they would rather die first. (Donny Norris)
____ It isn’t that I’m not a people person. It’s just that I’m not a stupid people person. (Donna Hudon)
____ Sometimes I listen to shitty music on purpose because I know at some point I'll be in someone else's car and I wanna be prepared. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ America is in the way of Mexico and Canada collaborating on maple tacos. (Mike Seriously)
____ Apparently some people don't have sarcastic, deranged, perverted thoughts that spew out their mouths before they can stop them. Weirdos. (Sara N Carlson)
____ I spent a long time at my husband's grave today. He doesn't know, he thinks I'm digging a fish pond... (Elanie Beckett)
____ "The Black Eyed Peas" were simply known as "The Peas" until Chuck Norris heard their music. (Enem Paul)
____ A vegan, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The vegan pretty much just blabs on & on about how he's a vegan for the next hour. The end. (Mike Seriously)
____ I measure my fitness level by whether or not my bath towel still fits around me. (Mike Foster)
____ If I had a nickel for every time someone said "I could just choke you" I'd have enough money to pay someone to choke me. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Drink drank drunk :) (Lisa James)
____ The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put dishes in it. (Donna Hudon)
____ Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting. (Adam Apple)
____ One day, the fridge will have it's revenge on me by opening the door to my room every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes & walking away. (Christopher Kutzler)
____ I am only cynical because life is shit. (Allan Hollywood)
____ I saw a jug of 2% milk. I’d actually prefer the whole thing be milk. (Stephen Hawthorne)
____ My superpower is watching five hours of TV I'm not interested in because I can't reach the remote. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I think we've pretty much covered what to do if life gives us lemons. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick...two women trying to kill each other over shoes. (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but I think walking on the Moon is an amazing achievement. They can never take that away from him. (Sonny Valdez)
____ We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee. (Liz Barrand)
____ I constantly tell people to listen to what I say, but they don't listen. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My new party trick: I swallow 2 pieces of string. An hour later, they come out of my butt, tied together. I shit you knot!(Schone Meyer)
____ A kid at my nephew's birthday party pooped his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option at work today. (Rod West)
____ Common American mistakes: 1. Using they're instead of their. 2. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. 3. Letting Randy Masters into MSIB. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Breakfast today is ground puppies and kittens and the tears of small children. I hate mornings. (Rakeem Neil Peebles)
____ "I really should stop eating fast food and start working out." - Something I might say later, after I finish this cheeseburger. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ Remember Lorena Bobbitt? That sure was a cockamaimie story. (Arthur Mabry)
____ Grammar makes a difference: "I punched my grandma in the face" or "I punched, my grandma, in t,he face". I don't know what I'm doing (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ The next time I hear a baby laughing just because everyone else is, I'm gonna call him out on it. Dumb baby. (William Hale)
____ The only thing absolute in life is vodka. (Amanda Mitchell)
____ I love all of my Facebook friends, except for #132 - you sir, are an a-hole! (S.r. Furst)
____ I bet you thought this status was going to be a lot better than it actually turned out to be. (Jacob L. Grant)

*Contains potty language and disturbing stuff.

A FEW OF OUR FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, JUST FOR YOU...

Below I've picked just a handful of the witty status updates posted on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE during the last 4 years. NONE of them have been posted on my website before.

____ Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be the longest & most delicious form of suicide I have ever heard of. (Mike Seriously)
____ Posting a status update before responding to someone's text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are. (Sean Shipley)
____ I don't have any Amish Facebook friends. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Roses are red, My mustache is black, I have a big van, Now get in the back. (Mustache Mann)
____ So...Jiffy Lube wasn't what I thought it was. That was embarrassing. (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ How the hell did the dead bugs get INSIDE the light bulb? (Lisa James)
____ Everybody is a ballerina when they stub their toe. (Donny Norris)
____ I just Googled "what do women REALLY want?" My computer crashed. (Allan Hollywood)
____ I have mad anger-management skills. (Jack Olivar)
____ If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot. (Matt Procella)

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES ABOUT LIFE / SUCCESS / FAILURE:

You want more Facebook Status updates about life? I'll bet you do! I'd like a train that goes around my house like Ricky Schroder had in Silver Spoons, but has that happened yet? Nooooo. Still, I don't give up. I continue to seek wisdom from wise people. For example:

____ By the time you say "I don't want to make things weird", you already have. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ My life has become a constant journey of trying to be left the hell alone. (Mike Seriously)
____ The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says. (Shabana Essack)
____ Just got a stain on my shirt but it's ok because life is meaningless. (Adam Apple)
____ The best things in life are free. Stealing is awesome. (Stacy Fournier)
____ If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life. (Matt Procella)
____ I'm happy, you guys. Life is good. [takes meds] (Richard Earle Crown)
____ Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so. (Egg Head)
____ Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I'm driving. (Lisa James)
____ You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers. (Liz Barrand)
____ Never use the towels in my bathroom to dry your face...trust me. (Toni Daniels)
____ If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar. (Mustache Mann)
____ One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… ah, f*ck it. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Life is too short to write a edit a status with grammar error! Comment on it with asterisk. People "like" you (Albie Edd)
____ Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake stuff. (Tom Guntorius)
____ If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats. (Mike Seriously)
____ If you're "just sayin", then just shut the hell up. (Chesty La Rue)
____ Sometimes I like to do amazing nice things for crappy, ungrateful people, because it pisses them off. (Jack Wagon)
____ Life's short. Drink fast. (Lisa James)

____ I've been preparing for the zombie apocalypse my whole life by ordering my steaks rare and being completely dead inside. (Jennifer Warren)
____ Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza. (Matt Procella)
____ Life is all about knowing how long to wait before liking someone's new status so they don't find out that you're stalking them. (Gerti Kola)
____ Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. (Mike Seriously)
____ Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan. (Toni Daniels)
____ Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Life can be unpredictable. Sometimes I don't even know where my next notification is coming from. (GoldRobo Dancer Guy)
____ If you're unhappy about the way things are going in your life, do something about it. Or, open a Facebook account and tell us all about it. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It's fun". (Billy Guy)
____ Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash. (Jack Wagon)
____ The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life. (Sean Shipley)
____ I always wonder what things went horribly wrong in someone's life that led them to buy a hotdog at 7-11. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ Life is like a case of beer...don't ask me how, but I really like beer so it must be. (Mustache Mann)
____ I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven't the slightest idea as to where my life is headed" (Gary Hensley)
____ If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees. Or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything. (Rob Bowen)

HILARIOUS NEW FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, 3/4/14:

Ahem (clears throat). Hi. After months of enduring technical glitches in the software I use to compile Facebook status updates, I'm back. Perhaps you thought I no longer cared about My Status Is Baddest. Maybe, you thought I ran off with the circus only to face constant humiliation by a cruel group of elephants and a baby Jaguar named Alfonzo. Alfonzo, if you're reading this (and I know you are), you should know that you are a jerk.

Anyhoo, I haven't called or written or posted in three months. You've every right to doubt my commitment to the virtual relationship we have. But, baby...(looks deep into your eyes), I love you. I've...always loved you. Forgive me. I shall prove my love with a few of the best, most hilarious Facebook Status updates from my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE this year.

____ I'm nude here. Can someone show me around? (Miguel Munoz)
____ I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name. (Mike Seriously)
____ went from being "in a relationship" to "why are the dishes piling up?" (Mustache Mann)
____ I'll look back embarrassingly on old posts and think about how stupid and childish I was 2 days ago. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Does anyone know how to get red wine stains off a baby's forehead? Asking for a friend. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I made a chicken salad today. The little bastard didn't even eat it. (Trish Gilbo)
____ I snorted a few lines of Centrum Silver and now I've got the urge to drive 25mph in the left lane with my right turn signal on all night. (Steven Nibur)
____ I'm going door to door to promote my new gym. Its called "Jehovah's Fitness". (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ I scared the hell out of my postman today by going to the door completely naked......I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived. (Trish Gilbo)
____ If I was a woman, I'd never leave the house. Unless, of course, I was finished cleaning and had permission. (Mike Seriously)
____ Sorry if my status keeps repeating as you scroll down your newsfeed. I'm still using my old cd player, and it skips. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that's remarkable" (Gary Hensley)
____ Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon? (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ BRING ME THE HEADS OF MY ENEMIES!!! Or some cupcakes...Whichever. (Gary Hensley)
____ Maybe if we all email the U.S. Constitution to each other the NSA will read it. (Bobby Januchowski)
____ My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds a nice guy. (Chris P. Bacon)
____ My ex was so obsessed with horoscopes, I finally had to leave. I guess you could say it Taurus apart. (Jack Olivar)
____ "Yeah." "Okay." "Love you too." ~ Three hour conversation with my mom. (Jack Wagon)
____ 1. Write hilarious post. 2. Laugh uncontrollably. 3. Post on MSIB. 4. Three likes. 5. Die alone. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who's really f*cking clumsy. (Mike Seriously)
____ If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I was gonna party like it was 1999 but rats got into my cassette collection :/ (Donny Norris)
____ I lost a very close friend recently. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring. (Sean Shipley)
____ What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this! (Trish Gilbo)
____ Don't get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I'll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice. (Bobby Januchowski)
____ So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won't share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is. (Steven Nibur)
____ I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available. (Gary Hensley)
____ Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted. (Victoria Beaver)
____ ''Well, Well, Well.'' -I don't know, someone counting Wells ?? (Fifi La Rue)
____ Just accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again. (Jack Wagon)
____ I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid's vomit. (Steven Nibur)
____ Apparently I'm the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention. (Ime Anass)
____ Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice. (Stacy Fournier)

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