Monday, March 3, 2014


Ahem (clears throat). Hi. After months of enduring technical glitches in the software I use to compile Facebook status updates, I'm back. Perhaps you thought I no longer cared about My Status Is Baddest. Maybe, you thought I ran off with the circus only to face constant humiliation by a cruel group of elephants and a baby Jaguar named Alfonzo. Alfonzo, if you're reading this (and I know you are), you should know that you are a jerk.

Anyhoo, I haven't called or written or posted in three months. You've every right to doubt my commitment to the virtual relationship we have. But, baby...(looks deep into your eyes), I love you. I've...always loved you. Forgive me. I shall prove my love with a few of the best, most hilarious Facebook Status updates from my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE this year.

____ I'm nude here. Can someone show me around? (Miguel Munoz)
____ I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name. (Mike Seriously)
____ went from being "in a relationship" to "why are the dishes piling up?" (Mustache Mann)
____ I'll look back embarrassingly on old posts and think about how stupid and childish I was 2 days ago. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Does anyone know how to get red wine stains off a baby's forehead? Asking for a friend. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I made a chicken salad today. The little bastard didn't even eat it. (Trish Gilbo)
____ I snorted a few lines of Centrum Silver and now I've got the urge to drive 25mph in the left lane with my right turn signal on all night. (Steven Nibur)
____ I'm going door to door to promote my new gym. Its called "Jehovah's Fitness". (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ I scared the hell out of my postman today by going to the door completely naked......I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived. (Trish Gilbo)
____ If I was a woman, I'd never leave the house. Unless, of course, I was finished cleaning and had permission. (Mike Seriously)
____ Sorry if my status keeps repeating as you scroll down your newsfeed. I'm still using my old cd player, and it skips. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that's remarkable" (Gary Hensley)
____ Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon? (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ BRING ME THE HEADS OF MY ENEMIES!!! Or some cupcakes...Whichever. (Gary Hensley)
____ Maybe if we all email the U.S. Constitution to each other the NSA will read it. (Bobby Januchowski)
____ My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds a nice guy. (Chris P. Bacon)
____ My ex was so obsessed with horoscopes, I finally had to leave. I guess you could say it Taurus apart. (Jack Olivar)
____ "Yeah." "Okay." "Love you too." ~ Three hour conversation with my mom. (Jack Wagon)
____ 1. Write hilarious post. 2. Laugh uncontrollably. 3. Post on MSIB. 4. Three likes. 5. Die alone. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who's really f*cking clumsy. (Mike Seriously)
____ If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I was gonna party like it was 1999 but rats got into my cassette collection :/ (Donny Norris)
____ I lost a very close friend recently. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring. (Sean Shipley)
____ What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this! (Trish Gilbo)
____ Don't get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I'll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice. (Bobby Januchowski)
____ So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won't share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is. (Steven Nibur)
____ I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available. (Gary Hensley)
____ Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted. (Victoria Beaver)
____ ''Well, Well, Well.'' -I don't know, someone counting Wells ?? (Fifi La Rue)
____ Just accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again. (Jack Wagon)
____ I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid's vomit. (Steven Nibur)
____ Apparently I'm the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention. (Ime Anass)
____ Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice. (Stacy Fournier)

Become a fan of my FACEBOOK PAGE. Become a fan. "Like" and borrow statuses often.