____ The expiration date on this bottle of vodka is one hour from now. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I think alarm clocks would be more effective if they woke us with motivational phrases like, "OMG, a SNAKE!" or, "THERE ARE ONLY 2 PIECES OF BACON LEFT!" (Donny Norris)
____ If you can't stand the heat, you don't have to get out of the kitchen. Turn the thermostat down. It's probably too high. Be rational people. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "Cool, I love candles. That pie shell looks deelish too. Hey, what's with the knife, dude? Wait, Stop. Oh God, Please Stop!" – Pumpkins (William Hale)
____ Sometimes I wish my friends on Facebook were real. (Lisa James)
____ Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I'm now the proud owner of a giant circus tent. (Jack Wagon)
____ I saw a spider in my bathtub, so I got a piece of tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down. (Jean F. Badenhorst)
____ I think I'm drunk. I'm sitting on this DJ's turntable, and the room's not spinning. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "That awkward moment when you try to pee on something, but you have no pee left." -my dog. (Tom William)
____ That awkward moment between your wedding and your divorce. (Matt Storm)
____ Sat down and asked for a bowl of Lobster Bisque. They told me, "we don't serve that here". So then I asked for the Vichyssoise. Again, they told me, "we don't serve that here". And they call themselves a SOUP KITCHEN?! (Mustache Mann)
____ Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do. (Tom William)
____ I was irritated when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it (Mike Seriously)
____ A jealous coworker asked me today what it feels like to have my own parking spot. My answer: Like a closer walk to hell. (Donny Norris)
____ I know a nap isn't a Klondike bar, but there are a lot of things I would do for one. (Stacy Jane)
____ If you love someone, tell them. Shout it from the rooftops. And then hurl yourself off the building to avoid the pain of it ending badly. (Steven Nibur)
____ I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I haven't been to this page for almost a year now, give or take, but only because I was working full-time on this hilarious status update. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This hot dog water ramen noodle tea...tastes like I'm broke as f*ck :( (Jack Wagon)
____ I had my first taste of sobriety today and I actually liked it! What a clever name for a beer. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm not nearly as funny as you think I'm not. (Mike Seriously)
____ The most polite way to tell someone you think they look bad is to ask if they are sick. (Clay A. Nash)
____ If I were my boss, I'd never leave my coffee cup unattended. (Donny Norris)
____ English is not my native language and I already know that “I’ll try to be there” means “I’m not coming” (Adam Apple)
____ While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement. (Donna Hudon)
____ If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink. (Enem Paul)
____ I was just told I'm someones BFF. Being the idiot I am, I had to google it. Backup-file Format is a euphemism for something hot right? (Kylie Toyne)
____ Nothing says SCREW YOU like a restaurant giving you one napkin with your takeout order (Enrico Hartzenberg)
____ If there are two things I've learned, it's math. (Adam Apple)
____ The most exciting thing about the fall is going to be watching Ashton Kutcher on 2 & 1/2 men, because I'm lying. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I’m in much better shape than my 2-month-old nephew. He can barely hold his head up. Pathetic. (William Hale)
____ The only thing I love more than cake is cakes. (Tiffany Mobley)
____ Save the planet. Become a dead person. (Jacob L. Grant)
____ There is a vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. (Jason Lee Mount)
____ You know you're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you used to get from a rollercoaster - (Sara Lavoie)
____ I was pulled kicking and screaming, bloody and naked from my home and thrust into a the arms of strangers who put me on display like an animal in a zoo, LET's CELEBRATE! ~ Birthdays (Donny Norris)
____ Today I’ll be opening my British seafood gay bar called “Fish ‘N Chaps.” Inbox me for franchise opportunities. (William Hale)
____ The guy who invented the time machine has died. RIP Charley Jacobs. 1974 – 1746. (Pritchard Van Chogs)
____ you know what's funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it. (Adam Apple)
____ And for my next trick, I will walk down the street and turn into a bar. (Ralph Pleczkowski Jr.)
____ Drunk me and sober me are the SAME person! We just laugh at my statuses for different reasons. (Mustache Mann)
____ I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they're going to be talking. (Leslie Hagen Wuest)
____ I wasn't planning on having a beer. The pretzels made me do it. (Lisa James)
____ Soooo, since actually I'm not the last man on earth, was that a yes? (Donny Norris)
____ The awkward moment when someone says “hi“ and you say “good“. (Enem Paul)
____ Facebook is smart enough to track your browsing history, memorize your search records, and suggest ads catered to your interests, but when you defriend your ex after changing your status from "in a relationship" to "single," Facebook still tries to suggest her as an "Add Friend" because you have two friends in common. I can't decide if this makes Facebook ballsy, stupid, or masochistic. (Jacob L. Grant)
____ How does a couple weather one of them saying "Let's take ballroom dancing"? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was "Very Strong." (Leslie Hagen Wuest)
____ Just pulled a chest hair out while buttoning my shirt...43 years down the drain. :( (Donny Norris)
____ I'm pretty sure Nickelback is right, if I was a rock star I reckon I would have a drug dealer on speed dial. (Fifi La Rue)
____ When people get on Twitter or Facebook and announce that their internet is down, how the hell are they doing that? (Arthur Mabry)
____ "Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you're left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth shattering nuts, which if you are desperate enough to eat leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper wrappers." (Sara Lavoie)
____ My alarm clock just gave me the "you're throwing your life away" look. (Aaron Aber)
____ The early bird gets the worm, but I'd rather sleep in and I don't like worms. (Jason Lee Mount)
____ I don't allow other users to check me into places cause they just might check me into the State Mental Hospital. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Where was I? No, I mean yesterday: where was I? Because I'm guessing these feathers came from somewhere. (Gail Pemberton)
____ I canceled my Ancestry.com account as soon as I discovered I have a Great-Great-Great-Great Grandmother named Dorcus. (Beau Diggity)
____ I just won an all inclusive trip to the liquor store sponsored by my boss' stolen credit card! (Eric Jacques)
____ Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty. (Jack Thomas Jr.)
____ Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there's a wine sampling booth that day? (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I make the other half of the Oreo watch. (Ralph Pleczkowski Jr.)
____ *takes 50 selfies* *deletes 49* *stares at that one selfie till it turns ugly* *deletes that too*. (Pritchard Van Chogs)
____ If Jiminy Cricket was here with me he would be so disappointed. (Tyler Kattrein)
____ No thanks, marriage. If I want to never get laid, I'll just start wearing crocs. (Ralph Pleczkowski Jr.)
Sidenote: Karanbir Singh Tinna, I thoroughly enjoyed your post from today. However, when I copied and pasted it on my personal page I lost 30 friends. I still love you. :( Love, MSIB
