____ My ideal job would be giving bitchy retorts to a 16-year-old girl to say to the high school mean girls through a hidden earpiece. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I offered a bum a ride this morning but she refused to get in the trunk. You just can't help some people. (Donny Norris)
____ I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway. (William Hale)
____ That awkward moment where every single awkward moment joke has been done before. (Mike Seriously)
____ Three women walk into a bar. "Congratulations," says the barman. "You've subverted a male-dominated joke format." (Jason Mykl Snyman)
____ If I don't answer my phone the first time obviously you should call immediately 5 more times like a goddamn psycho. (Matt Storm)
____ My English teacher said I would never amount to anything, but I have over 600 friends on Facebook, so what does she no. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it. (Joey Guy)
____ I started to think I had a drinking problem. :( But then I found two beers hidden in the back of the fridge! "Problem" solved! (Mustache Mann)
____ They rarely mean it when they tell you that they would rather die first. (Donny Norris)
____ It isn’t that I’m not a people person. It’s just that I’m not a stupid people person. (Donna Hudon)
____ Sometimes I listen to shitty music on purpose because I know at some point I'll be in someone else's car and I wanna be prepared. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ America is in the way of Mexico and Canada collaborating on maple tacos. (Mike Seriously)
____ Apparently some people don't have sarcastic, deranged, perverted thoughts that spew out their mouths before they can stop them. Weirdos. (Sara N Carlson)
____ I spent a long time at my husband's grave today. He doesn't know, he thinks I'm digging a fish pond... (Elanie Beckett)
____ "The Black Eyed Peas" were simply known as "The Peas" until Chuck Norris heard their music. (Enem Paul)
____ A vegan, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The vegan pretty much just blabs on & on about how he's a vegan for the next hour. The end. (Mike Seriously)
____ I measure my fitness level by whether or not my bath towel still fits around me. (Mike Foster)
____ If I had a nickel for every time someone said "I could just choke you" I'd have enough money to pay someone to choke me. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Drink drank drunk :) (Lisa James)
____ The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put dishes in it. (Donna Hudon)
____ Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting. (Adam Apple)
____ One day, the fridge will have it's revenge on me by opening the door to my room every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes & walking away. (Christopher Kutzler)
____ I am only cynical because life is shit. (Allan Hollywood)
____ I saw a jug of 2% milk. I’d actually prefer the whole thing be milk. (Stephen Hawthorne)
____ My superpower is watching five hours of TV I'm not interested in because I can't reach the remote. (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I think we've pretty much covered what to do if life gives us lemons. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick...two women trying to kill each other over shoes. (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but I think walking on the Moon is an amazing achievement. They can never take that away from him. (Sonny Valdez)
____ We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee. (Liz Barrand)
____ I constantly tell people to listen to what I say, but they don't listen. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My new party trick: I swallow 2 pieces of string. An hour later, they come out of my butt, tied together. I shit you knot!(Schone Meyer)
____ A kid at my nephew's birthday party pooped his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option at work today. (Rod West)
____ Common American mistakes: 1. Using they're instead of their. 2. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. 3. Letting Randy Masters into MSIB. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Breakfast today is ground puppies and kittens and the tears of small children. I hate mornings. (Rakeem Neil Peebles)
____ "I really should stop eating fast food and start working out." - Something I might say later, after I finish this cheeseburger. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ Remember Lorena Bobbitt? That sure was a cockamaimie story. (Arthur Mabry)
____ Grammar makes a difference: "I punched my grandma in the face" or "I punched, my grandma, in t,he face". I don't know what I'm doing (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ The next time I hear a baby laughing just because everyone else is, I'm gonna call him out on it. Dumb baby. (William Hale)
____ The only thing absolute in life is vodka. (Amanda Mitchell)
____ I love all of my Facebook friends, except for #132 - you sir, are an a-hole! (S.r. Furst)
____ I bet you thought this status was going to be a lot better than it actually turned out to be. (Jacob L. Grant)
*Contains potty language and disturbing stuff.
